A/N: Welcome to the ridiculousness that is Feetlooze! If you've read Everything Snows, then you know what this is going to be like: a whole helluva lot of fun! This was actually a lot of fun to write, as were the other two parodies written by myself and my good friend Lyddia during drama club rehearsals. The story for this one: our high school actually did Footloose two years ago. Lyddia and I got small parts and weren't very happy about this. So we decided to write our own play. If you can't tell, I was Ethel and Lyddia was Lulu. The ladies definitely came out much better in our show, if I do say so myself, albeit a bit more violent. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this, our classic retelling of the timeless tale of Footloose!
A/N 2: This story contains a great deal of violence, subtle innuendos, not-so-subtle innuendos, profanity, blatant sex, and a dude in a giant cockroach costume. Faint of heart, do not continue! You should go try reading something like, oh, say, "A Life Worth Living" or my other glorious stories!.
FEETLOOZE - A Play
ACT 1
Scene: A Chicago Night Club
(People Dancing)
Ren- I'm not leaving and you can't make me!
Random Kid-poke poke Where are you going Ren?
Ethel- You're going whether you want to or not!
Ren-You can't-
Ethel- (smacks him with suitcase full of brick and drags him off stage by the ankles. His head smacks a table leg, but mom doesn't notice and/or care)
People-Where the hell is Bomont? Resume dancing BomontRen- (Ethel and Ren have magically traveled 1,000 miles in two seconds. They are now in church in the ridiculously tiny town of Bomont, Somewhere In the Central MidWest. Ren is still unconscious, bloody nosed and black eyed)
Rev- Today we got us some new people. Ethel-
Some Person- Ethel! What the hell kind of name is Ethel?
Rev- and Ren McCormack. Ren? What a crappy name! What's it short for?
Ren-drooling duuuuuuuuuuuuh…
Music starts
Lulu-Ren! Sing dammit!
Ren- duuuuuuh! Falls out of chair
Lulu and Ethel- (singing) Bomont sucks, there's too much dust. I wish I were in Chicago. This vacation's a bust, and we don't miss our dad.
Chorus- (singing) Oooo Ah, start a new life here!
Rev-Amen Baby!
Ren- (suddenly completely healed) Church is over!
(Ethel hits him with bag of bricks, but Ren is prepared and hits her with bag full of horseshoes. Church turns into a huge metal/rock fight. Dialogue continues over it.)
Rev- (while smacking his wife with a fire poker) So, Mrs. McCormack, I hear you just moved here! Who are you staying with?
Ethel- My sister and her husband!
Wes- A-yup! (falls unconscious from Lulu smacking him with a railroad tie.)
Lulu- Guess where Ren's staying! In the garage!
Vi- Great!
Eleanor-Hey, I made cookies! Lets go burn your kitchen, Lulu!
Lulu- Fan-freaking-tabulous!
Vi-Yay, cookies! hops up and down We go, Ethel!
Ethel- Aw, hell, cookies and arson. I left Chicago for this?(they all exit)
Rev- (regains consciousness from being hit with an anvil) Hey Ren, have you heard about my daughter? She's damn purty and she's the biggest whore in Bomont!
Ariel- (primping and stuffing tissue in her bra) I am not! And besides, that's not even saying much. I mean, Lulu's a whore, and Eleanor, Wendy Jo, Urleen, Rusty, hell, even mom's a whore!
Rev- Alright, you're not as much of a slut as you could be.
Ariel- Daddy, can I go have sex with my punk boyfriend whom you hate so very much?
Rev- What does your mom say?
Rusty- She said it was ok if you say it's ok, and we wanna know if you say it's ok, so is it ok?
Rev- (stunned) A-yup!
Rusty and Ariel- Sweet! Let's go!
Ren-Damn, she's hot! But I'm a prude so I'll just stay away from her until she makes the first move. dances
Scene: The Garage
"The Girl Gets Around"
Chuck- My girl's a whore and I'm proud!
Ariel- I'm a Super-Whore, and I try to do a damn good job!
Lyle and Travis- She's so slutty she makes the Vegas whores cry!
All- Yeah!
Scene: At School
Ariel- Hey, Ren. I'm hot and you can't have me.
Ren- Shh! (Runs into Willard)
Willard-Hey! I'm a country hick and you can't run into me!
Ren-Sorry man…
Willard- Ha! You're too late! Now I'm going to take you down!
Ren- Aw man… I like your hat.
Willard- Is that some kind of stupid joke?
Ren- No, where can I get one?
Willard- Now you're asking for it!
Ren- I'm mad at you now! I'm going to dance!
"I Can't Stand Still"
Ren- I have ADD, so the doctor gave me some Ritalin, but it made me sick so now I have to dance my pants off…(end of song)
Willard-Shut up, dumb ass! The principal is going to kick your ass!
Principal- (spoken rather mechanically) What. Are. You. Doing. Young. Man?
Ren- Erm… I was just dancing in the hallway, no harm done.
Principal-No. You're. Wrong. Dancing. Is. Very. Harm. Ful.
Ren- Har har! Bomont people have a great sense of humor.
Principal- Beep beep boop beep. Syntax. Error. Does. Not. Compute. (switches to principal vision- a transparent red field with cross hairs in the middle) Danger. Sighted. Must. Destroy. (his eyes turn red and lasers shoot at Ren's feet)
Ren- Shit!
Coach-(flips switch on principal) Shh… good principal… Calm down. Ok, here's the lo-down on Bomont. There ain't no dancin' any time, any place.
Student-Yeah! If you dance, you get the chair! (points to a pink chair in the corner facing the wall) (all gasp)
Rusty-Hey! No you don't! Shut up! (whacks student with biology text book)
Coach- Ok, that's enough. Get to class or you'll get the chair!
Rusty-God! What is wrong with you people?!? (she pushes Ren center and Wendy Jo and Urleen appear magically in puffs of pink smoke) (crazy happy) D'ya wanna know why there's no dancing? Huh? Do ya, do ya, do ya?
Ren-Uh, not really, I…
Urleen-Great! Here's the scoop!
Wendy Jo-(Uber dramatic) People DIED!
Ren- Really? That's awful!
Urleen- Yeah yeah. Now we sing!
"Somebody's Eyes"
(Girls walk around Ren in slutty motions. The song is basically a huge sexual innuendo. Ren, however, is too stupid to get it.)
Rusty-Bomont is full of stalkers who are also very seductive.
Urleen-(growls seductively)
Wendy Jo-Watch out or you'll get… Lynched!
Rusty-(snaps rope like a dominatrix whip)
Urleen-(puts rope around Ren's neck all sexy-like) Cuz Bomont people looove to kill each other…
Vignette Number Only OneCop-I'm going to put you in jail, punk!
Chuck- Yeah!
Principal-Syntax. Error. Wrestling. Does. Not. Compute. Detention. Tomorrow. (laser eyes completely destroys set. Set is now a smoldering pile of ash which almost falls on Ren) (Dancers in back ground tear off clothes to reveal sexy bustiers and leather boots a la Rocky Horror)
Ren-(seriously disturbed) Well, that's… interesting… Yet, frightening… (runs away, but Lulu and Ethel catch him.)
Lulu-You're a complete failure, Ren! Your mother hates you!
Ethel-Damn straight! Everyone hates you! Why can't you just die?
Ren-But, Mom…?
Ethel-Don't "but mom" me! Lulu, d'you got somethin' to say?
Lulu- Hell yes! You're a whitey-tighty dumb ass and you should just kill yourself! Right Wes?
Wes- I like ducks.
Lulu-Damn! Shut up pumpkin! No more talkin' for you! (rips kitchen sink out and hits Wes with it.)
Ethel-Lulu, let's go. The sooner this vignette is over, the sooner we get to sing!
Lulu-Ok, let's carry on the blood fest stage right! (they high five like teenage girls, and each grab one of Ren's ankles)
Ren-Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Lulu and Ethel- Shut the hell up!
Scene: The Rev's House
(The three people of Rev's family appear on a bare stage. Chuck is molesting Ariel throughout.)
Rev-This scene is kinda stupid, so…
Ariel-Chuck, stop! At least wait a few minutes!
Vi-We decided to summarize the scene in one sentence.
Ariel- Ariel: rejected, Rev: angry, Vi: sad. (all three bow and Ariel and Chuck commence making out)
Vi- For your listening pleasure here is a song I've prepared (lights go down, with a spotlight on Vi.) Maestro… (she smiles as music begins)
"Learning To Be Silent"
(Ethel and Lulu run on from opposite sides and slam into Vi from opposite directions. Lulu clotheslines her and Ethel kicks out her knees from behind. Vi falls into a pile on the floor and Ethel and Lulu shove her upstage.)
Lulu-That bitch! Trying to steal our song!
Ethel-Well, we've got it back! Maestro! (two shiny black grand pianos roll onstage with two really sexy non-descript lovers playing them. Let's pretend they're Kartik from A Great and Terrible Beauty and Jesse from the Haunted series)
Kartik- Alright loves, ready when you are! (the women rip off their frumpy 80's clothes to reveal sparkly cocktail dresses and white elbow length gloves)
Lulu- Teehee… ready Kartik! (insert name)
(music starts)
"Learning To Be Violent"
Lulu-You don't want to know about my man
I wouldn't even call him mine
That guy is so dumb
He couldn't even give you the time.
But wouldn't you know it, I've got someone new
And no one I know does the things he can do(Kisses the top of Non-descript lover #1's head "John and Yoko style", and giggles)
Ethel-I don't have a man anymore
Thank God he ran away!
But if it weren't for him I wouldn't be who I am today!
Both-Learning to
be violent!
Take control of our lives
Forget being silent!
This is what happens when you're somebody's wife!
Both-There are no excuses
That's the way to be
When you marry the wrong man
You know you've got to be free!
Violence!
Lulu and Kartik-(Tango really super awesome across the stage) (They have a rose and they pass it. A lot.)
Ethel- (singing over the dancing) We'll finalize our divorces,
And just to make sure, Violence is the key!
Learning to be violent!
Taking control of our lives!
Forget being silent!
This is what happens when you're somebody's wife!
Both-Violence! (The song ends with Ethel lying upside down, Arms spread out, with her head hanging over the piano. Jesse is standing over the piano playing furiously, and Kartik and Lulu are in a really intense dip)
Scene: The Burger Blast (a.k.a. trashy burger joint)
(A guy in a cockroach suit runs across the stage, all scared like. Betty Blast skates on after him, falls on her face, and drags herself off after the cockroach.)
Rusty-So Ariel, I hear you're a slut.
Wendy Jo-And a whore. Can't forget whore!
Urleen-And a cheap dime store hood.
Rusty-And a back street hooker in your mom's old fishnet stockings.
Wendy Jo- And a…
Ariel-Okay! I get it. But really, no one knows me. I wish I had a real man who thought about something other than sex 24-7.
Ren-(breathless) Hey girls! I work here now, like my skates? (shows off skates like a ten year old girl)
Urleen-You missed your entrance, bastard!
Wendy Jo-Thanks for ruining the show, asshole.
Urleen-(making eyes at Ren) He's really cute though, isn't he Wendy Jo?
Wendy Jo-For an asshole.
(Ren skates away
sadly)
Willard-God that Rusty is hot! I want to get in her
pants!
Ren-VIRGIN EARS!!!! (a sand bag falls from the ceiling and narrowly misses his head) So tell me about Ariel. She's real purty! (drools)
Willard- Dude, she's a total crack whore, and you know what? They're fake.
Ren- No way!
Willard- No one's a triple E naturally. And on top of that she stuffs herself to a size F.
Ren-Woah! That's extreme! Can girls do that?
Willard-In these parts, they do what they want!
Ariel-As I was saying huff, I want a non-man-whore for a boyfriend. That's all I ask.
"Holding Out For A Hero"
Ariel-Even though I'm a whore, I really want a man.
Girls-Huh?
Ariel-How come all the other guys can't see me for who I am?
Girls-A major slut?
Ariel-I am not as skanky as they make me seem… every day I search high and low,
Girls-Search high and low! Oooo!
Ariel-But I know just who I need… I need a real man!
Girls- Doo doo doo doo! Doo doo doo doo! Doo doo doo doo! Ah! Ah!
Ren-Did you just hear music somewhere?
Willard-Dude, you need to lay off the crack before 11:00.
Chuck-(frolics in throwing flower petals) Ladeeda! I've come to fetch my trampslut girlfrieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeend! Leedeedee!
Coach-Hey! No dancing in Bomont! Ya dig?
Principal-Dancing. Does. Not. Compute. Activate. Lasers.
Betty Blast-Hey! (takes a huge drag on her cigarette. For like, 10 minutes. Where did she get the lung capacity?) Y'all better get that goddamn laser principal offa mah property, er I'll kick yer asses, da lot a yew!
All-Mumble mumble rassafrasssin' galdern friggin frackin stink-a-linkin' laser principal ruinin' the evenin' !
Principal-Hey. Detention. For. All. Want. To. Push. It. Punks. ?.
(another sandbag falls from the ceiling and crushes the principal.) (he explodes in a giant orange mushroom cloud.) (Bolts fly everywhere.) (everybody wipes the soot off of their faces and does a happy jig off stage.)
Ariel-(seductively) Hey Ren. I wanna… show you something.
Scene: Great Plains of Bomont
Ren-So, what did you want to show me?
Ariel-Shut up! Lets make dirty love in that alley over there!
Ren-Ah! Virgin ears!
Ariel-Gah! You're lame. Take me home!
Ren-Erm… Okay…
Scene: The Rev's House (Again)
Eleanor-We've decided that this scene is just plain dumb.
Coach-Yeah. Probably the worst in the show.
Vi-Hey, wait! I didn't decide this.
Rev-Majority rules Vi.
Eleanor-Instead, we're going to dance a jig,
All-jig
Ariel-Hey, what's up Pops? (to Rev)
Rev-Not much slut cake. We're just dancing a gig is all.
Ariel-Sounds like fun. Mind if Ren and I join you?
Adults-gasp!
Rev-That prude from Chicago isn't allowed in our pimp crib!
Eleanor-How rude! Showing up where you're not wanted! (bangs gavel)
Ren-Alright, sorry, I'll just leave then.
Vi-(follows him outside) Hey, sweetheart, are you free tonight?
Ren-(screams like a little girl and runs away fast)
Rev-Where did that loser from Chicago go?
Ariel-But daddy! He's alright!
Rev-Ariel, he's a prude and you won't get any money from him!
Ariel-I can try…
Rev-No! I forbid it!
Ariel-Wah! (runs off stage)
"Heaven Help Me"
Rev-My daughter's a tramp, I try to tell her what to do, but she doesn't listen to me. Oh woe is me! I'm a preacher, but I wish I wasn't. God help me or I'll become a worshiper of Satan! (Exit)
Scene: The Un-written Scene (a bar)
(Billy Joel is playing "Uptown Girl" in the background)
Cowboy Bob-What a day.
Coach-Yeah, I know! It sucks! I have to spend my entire day keeping track of stupid kids and a robot principal.
Eleanor-Don't even go there buster! I've got more problems than you! I cook, clean, bake cookies, and bang a gavel for a living!
Principal-What. A. Day. I. Am. So. Under. Appreciated.
Cowboy Bob-What are you talking about? I don't even appear in this version of the play! You're in every other scene!
Principal- (Eyes turn red) What. Did. You. Say.?.
Coach- (flips a switch on the principal's back and he turns off.) Good Principal.
Kory-What are you all talking about? I don't even get a name!
Garvin-Sure, but having a name isn't all that great. How would you like to be Garvin?
Bickle-Or Bickle?
Jeter-Or Jeter?
Coach-More beer please! (Sips it and puts the glass on the principal's head.)
Eleanor-This show is just dumb!
Kory-Why don't we get a song?
Irene-Alright! Did I hear someone ask for a song? Play it Billy!
"The Song Of The Under Appreciated"
All Under Appreciated and Nameless Characters- We are so unhappy. We don't get anything. No one will remember we were even in this show. What can we do? What will happen to this terrible play? We can only sit around and wait for the final curtain. Boo hoo. The end.
Scene: Gym
Ren- (in full traction body cast)
Coach-What's wrong with you, punk?
Ren-Mmmmph! Mmmph, mmmph!
Willard-Shouldn't he have mouth holes in that cast?
Ariel-Nah!
Ren-Mmmph mmph mmmph mmmph!
Willard-What'd you say 'bout ma mama!?!?! You're gonna get it now buster! (beats the crap out of traction action Ren. The cast falls off and Ren is ok except for a bloody nose)
Coach-Hey! No littering or bleeding on my gym floor! Give me fifty Ren!
Ren-But my arm is still broken!
Coach-Alright, give me 1000! Everybody else do it too, because I'm a sadistic Nazi! Mwahahahahahahah! (goose steps offstage singing the German national anthem.)
All-Damn you Ren!
Ren- I'm so mad! I can't dance, I can't hold a job, Ariel hates me…
Ariel-Damn straight! I just want his body!
Ren-I'm so pissed, I could dance! (commences into a Tae-bo dance. Billy Blanks comes out and joins him in song)
"I'm Free/Heaven Helps the Man"
Ren-You guys are all pissed so let's get off our asses and cause a riot!
All-Yeah! (all dance)
Adults-Ooo… aw screw it. (adults exit except Rev)
Rev- This riot sucks! Y'all better stay with God or he'll smite you with lightening!
Kids-Yay riot! (all dance some more)
Principal- Dancing. Does. Not. Compute. Riot. Danger. Level. Too. High. Must. Activate. Lasers. (he lasers Ren's head and his hair bursts into flames due to too much hair spray and gel.)
Ren-Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! (Runs in circles screaming. Ariel drop kicks the principal's head into the audience and Willard shoots it with a high-powered rifle. It explodes in pretty fire works.)
Everyone-(claps)
Rusty-Willard, the way you blasted that robot-laser-principal's head, ah it just made me horny!
Willard-Aw, shucks!
Ren-Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!