She rolled on her back once more, trying to let the sleep come to her, but to no avail. She sighed and decided to risk an eye to the red digits nagging her from her nightstand. Five thirty two. At least, she had gotten one more hour than last night. She closed her eyes, abandoning her mind to the memories just like the past five months.
Lying in bed together, her head resting upon her bare chest, she looked like an angel, a sleeping angel. Her lips slightly hanging down, her eyelids fluttering with dreams, her breath equal and her beauty breathtakingly exposed. Her make- up was smeared; painting dark circles under her eyes and making her look like a raccoon, contrasting with the pale skin of her cheeks slightly glowing in the moonlit room.
She stirred in her sleep, aimlessly throwing her arm around her waist and gripping tightly. She gasped at the gesture; it was the first time she held on to her in her sleep. Usually, she'd roll over and leave her skin cold from the sudden absence of contact and wake up the next morning in the same spot, with just enough distance between them to not be quite touching. A smile tugged at her lips and she closed her eyes with contentment; this meant progress, obviously. Maybe she had her chance of holding her back in the morning, maybe she'd get to have breakfast with her today instead of the ghost of her presence as she ran about in her apartment, trying to find her clothes and rushing out the door before she could say good morning.
Maybe she was starting to need her as much as she needed her.
She embraced this tender moment, kissing the top of her chocolate hair, breathing in the sweet mix of sweat and shampoo with a shy smile, and laced her arms around her thin bod, determined to keep her close as long as she could. She drifted back to sleep shortly after, her heart beating with the rhythm of a happy love song, ignoring the menacing drum beat in the back of her mind that kept reminding her she was the only one falling in this, and she would be the one hitting the ground hard.
Groaning with discontentment, the woman sat up in her bed and rubbed the remnants of sleep off her eyes. She stretched and yawned before throwing her legs off from under the blankets and sliding them into her slippers. Walking in the kitchen, she grabbed the coffee pot and noticed the red light of her recording machine flash, announcing proudly she had a new message. Five new messages, it seemed, as the machine showed when she approached. She toyed with the idea of simply deleting them without giving them a listen, but she hit the play button without realizing it. It was only when her best friend's voice flooded her apartment she noticed. She blinked a couple times at the machine, shocked it was playing by itself, before seeing her finger on the button.
"It's been five months now, please, just call back. I miss you, everyone misses you. I know it's hard, but please, give us a chance. It's not your fault, it's nobody's fault. Just, come back. Or give me a call. Just.. tell me you're still alive."
She deleted it and knew the other messages wouldn't be very different. They were a few hours apart and she wondered how she didn't hear them, but she remembered she hadn't been home in a few days. Home, she snickered mentally, this is not my home. As soon as she heard her friend's voice on the second message, she deleted it without waiting until the end. The third one was from her mother; the fourth from her dad and the fifth one was from someone she never expected to call.
"Hey, uh, it's me, Jesse. I know it's probably really weird, but, yeah, I'm calling because I'm worried. It's been five months, and I still don't know what to do. You know, you're not the only one she abandoned. She left me too. We were best friends, for fuck's sake… And, and.. I don't know how to do this. Please, just… give me a call when you get this? Please."
Her heart raced up at his words because suddenly, she felt like he was the only one who could understand. An urge to call him and be reassured that how lost she was feeling for the past five months wasn't unreal, that she wasn't alone in this. She knew he had it bad too, but she wanted to be the only one to care, the only one to be hurt in all this. She wanted to be selfish, to be alone, but it had been five months and now he was calling and almost pleading her to call back. She sensed his need to talk about her, to talk about what happened and she hesitated because was she ready to talk about it? She knew he knew about them, but she didn't know if he knew it was her fault what happened, if he knew she had ruined it all.
She called him back.
"Hey… it's me." She croaked, her throat dry and tight with a nervous lump.
"Hey.. I didn't think you'd call back." He answered after a moment of surprise.
"I wasn't sure I was going too. How are you?" She chewed her bottom lip at how stupid that question was.
"I'm okay. Still trying to find a decent job. What about you? Still in New York?" His tone was neutral, but his voice was slightly trembling with what? Nervousness? Emotion? She couldn't tell.
"Yeah. I'm… hanging on. I'm working in a music shop, it pays the bill." She nodded, trying to convince herself that she was doing okay, but the silence at the other end of the line told her she hadn't convinced him.
"Do you plan on coming back?" He suddenly asked, and his tone was pleading, his voice broken.
"I have no idea. There are so many memories, and I'm not sure I'm ready to live with such ghosts."
"It's been five months." He said, and she nodded, because there was nothing else she could add. "I miss her." He murmured and she knew he was on the edge of crying, and so was she.
"Me too, Jesse. I don't know how to do without her."
"Chloe, please come back." He begged and she heard the plea under the shaking words.
"Okay."
They said goodbye after she promised to call Aubrey to ask if she could live with her for a couple weeks until she found something else. She sat on the floor of the kitchen, the coffee pot in her hand and the phone in the other, trying to work up the courage to call her best friend who she had ignored for the past five months.
"I can't do this. I'm sorry, Chloe, I just can't. This is not me. Nothing is me in this." Beca was shaking her head, her hands in front of her, pushing the redhead back.
"It's okay, we can take it slow. You don't have to be afraid. It's alright, I'm right here, Beca." She said in a reassuring voice, but the brunette was still backing away from her until she was at the door.
"No, no, you don't understand. This is exactly what I mean. I can't do this. I don't do relationships, Chloe. It's not for me. Trust me, you don't want me as a girlfriend. I had a goal when I came here: complete a year of college to please my parents and fly away to Los Angeles right after. My dad offered me a deal: joining in for that year and he'd pay my way to L.A. This wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to get attached. No, this is wrong, Chloe. This isn't me." She had her hand on the door and with one last look, she walked out.
"Beca, wait!" Chloe was running after a ghost because the brunette had already disappeared in the elevator.
She ran down the stairs and for sure, blocked Beca's way as she was about to come out of the lift.
"Wait. Just, hear me out. You're afraid, I get it. You were never close to anyone like this. You told me so, I understand. I know you're scared to death, but, Beca, I love you. I can't just let you walk away from me like this. You made me fall for you so hard, I don't know how to do this without you. I know you feel it too, this can't be only one sided. I know it started out as a fling, and I know it wasn't supposed to become more, but you never protested when we started to go out for dinner before our meeting, you never complained when I bought you flowers, you even started to stay for breakfast! If you didn't want this, why didn't you stop it?" She was trying her best to stay strong, but her voice was fluttering, going from high to raspy as her feelings got mixed up in her tone.
Beca stared at her for a long moment before looking away. Her bottom lip trembled with unspoken words that Chloe would never get to hear, and she smiled shyly when the brunette opened her mouth, thinking she was going to tell her she made a terrible mistake, that she wasn't really leaving her. Her features disintegrated quickly when the words that got out of her lips were venomous and nothing like she expected.
"I didn't fall for you, Chloe. Not at all. It was convenient what we had, I told you from the start it couldn't be anything more because I'd only hurt you. You can't blame me for this now, because I warned you. You thought you could save me from myself, but truth is, I don't need saving. I don't want to be saved. I like my walls. I like the way I live, I like to be alone. Sure, you got under my skin, but it's only because you're so hot. Nothing more, Chloe. Now let go. You'll find someone who can love you back, because I can't. I'm not made for this kind of things."
Beca pushed past the redhead who was left panting from the way her ribcage had caved in, the way her heart was beating so unevenly, frantically searching for a normal pulse as her mind scrambled for words to respond to that. Instinctively, she grabbed onto the girl's wrist and made her spin around.
"Look at me. Beca. Look me in the eyes. Tell me you never loved me. Tell me in my face you don't love me. I want you to say it." She growled, her electrifying gaze boring into Beca's steel blue eyes.
The brunette opened her mouth to say those three little words that would finish Chloe, she knew they would hurt her more than any other words she could've told her. The redhead saw the doubt in her eyes, the shadow of guilt passing by, darkening her glistening eyes. She couldn't say it, and Chloe knew it. She let go of her hand and smiled sadly.
"We could've been everything, Beca. You pushed me away. You're the one running away. I'll be here when you come around." She whispered before turning her back and walking away.
She didn't see the single tear rolling down Beca's cheek as she watched the woman she was in love with put the final stone in the walls surrounding her heart. The walls she had so willingly let her crash through, the walls she thought she could live without, but it was just so scary to let someone else in, simply too much for her mended heart. She didn't mean to fall in love with her, and although she wished she could stay, she wasn't ready to give up the dream she had nourished for so many years because her heart had decided Chloe was not a danger to love.
She dialed the number she knew by heart even after all this time and her voice flooded through the receiver. She clasped a hand over her mouth when she felt a scream built up in her throat, like she had just been punched in the stomach.
"Hi, I'm not here, or I just don't want to answer the phone. Probably the second option, but you know what to do. Maybe I'll call back, I don't know. Leave a message if you feel lucky."
She threw the phone across the room because how dare she sound so sarcastic and proud after all this time, how dare she make her heart flutter like this when she had trampled it without mercy? Chloe bit on her fist to muffle the scream sneaking its way up her larynx, burning the back of her throat as it came out with rage. She tilted her head back, hitting her skull on the cupboard and the sting shocked her; could she still feel pain? She hit her head a couple times, until the pain had spread all the way to her temples and she had another headache.
She called Aubrey two hours later, wrapped in a cocoon of blankets and a hot coffee in her hand.
"Hey, Bree." She murmured with a raspy voice from all the tears that had fallen, reddening her nose and circling her eyes with carmine rims.
"Chloe? Chloe, is that you?" Her best friend sounded alarmed more than pleased, and she wasn't surprised: it had been five months she had last given her a sign of life.
"Yeah. I'm coming back… can I stay with you for a moment?" she was almost begging, although she knew Aubrey wouldn't mind at all.
"Yes, yes of course, sweetie. When are you coming back?" She pressed, unable to suppress the worry in her voice.
"I'm taking the next flight. Today, probably." She said, frowning because she wasn't sure she had enough money for that.
"Good, good. If you need money, or anything, you tell me and I'll make sure you're okay. Okay?" Aubrey knew, of course she knew, she was Aubrey.
"Yeah, okay… I don't know if I have enough for a ticket back, I'd have to check." She admitted sheepishly.
"Alright, I'm going online to check the flights, I'll buy a one way ticket?" She asked, fear suddenly creeping in her tone.
"One way… I guess, yeah." Chloe wasn't sure what would happen once she was back in Atlanta, but she knew her best friend was desperate to take care of her and frankly, she needed a break of trying to do that on her own too.
"What.. what made you decide to come back?" She tentatively asked after a moment.
"Jesse called. I need to talk to him, because not talking about her is even worse." She answered almost immediately, and she wondered where all that honesty was coming from after lying for five months to everyone around her (I'm fine, yeah, thanks. No, sorry, can't go out tonight, I'm busy. Oh, that's awesome, yeah, of course I'm great!).
She had gotten so used to putting on this jolly mask that it was like second nature. She knew that coming back to Atlanta was going to disintegrate her perfectly still and fake happy face, but she felt like it was about time she stopped pretending to be okay. Jesse's call had been a wakeup call, the one she had secretly wanted to happen for the past five months. She didn't know how to put a stop to this downward spiral of self-pity. She convinced herself she was doing this for Jesse, because the man sounded so desperate for some support, but really, Chloe knew she was looking for a reason that wasn't selfish. She had been so selfish since Beca had walked away, doing the exact same thing the brunette had done to her; pushing everyone away and running as far as she could manage without completely loosing herself.
She nearly cancelled her flight at the last second, but she closed her eyes and got in the taxi waiting for her downstairs with her luggage safely packed in the trunk.
She hoped for a call, or an email, for days and days, but nothing came. It took two weeks before they were informed, and she collapsed on the kitchen floor, the receiver hanging loose, hitting the wall repeatedly as Jesse called her name. Aubrey ran in when the scream of raw pain echoed the thin walls of their apartment and immediately put the receiver to her ear.
"Hello?" She urged, her eyes strained on Chloe's shaking body.
"Aubrey? It's Jesse. Is Chloe alright? I, I didn't know who else to call, and, and I just got the news and, and…" His voice trailed off, the sound breaking in his throat, choking on his breath as he struggled to hold back the tears.
"What happened, what did you tell her?" Aubrey growled, although she knew the only thing that could send Chloe into such a state concerned one person and one only.
"She's dead. She was shot two weeks ago. A robbery that ended badly, that's what they told me." He whispered, and Aubrey had to replay twice his words in her head before it sunk in.
"I gotta go, Jesse… thanks for calling." She said quickly before hanging up.
Aubrey threw her arms around Chloe's shoulders, pulling her forcefully in her arms, holding tightly even though the redhead was fighting it. She wanted to scream, she wanted to rip open her chest, to dig in and tear out her beating heart. What used was it to her now if Beca was dead? What could she do with an alive heart if it wasn't beating for her anymore? The girl had finally managed to break her to the point where nothing could repair the damages.
"If only I hadn't walked away. If only I had held on tighter. If only I had been with her!" She cried in Aubrey's arms, hiccupping violently as tears spilled out of her clenched eyes, her jaw trembling with overwhelming emotions.
"It's not your fault. It is not your fault, Chloe. It's nobody's fault but hers." She angrily said, and she regretted it the moment the words escaped her lips.
"She was scared to death, Aubrey! She didn't mean to die, how can you say this?!" Chloe shrieked, prying herself away from her best friend's embrace.
"Chloe, I'm sorry, Chloe, please, come back!" But it was too late, the redhead slammed the front door with her bag over her shoulder, and she didn't come back.
Chloe closed her eyes and dried the tears rolling down her cheeks when the driver told her they were at the airport. She paid him and sniffed before thanking him. Taking out her luggage, Chloe inhaled a deep breath. Here we go, you can do this, she repeated to herself as she registered her luggage and waited for her flight to be called.
Aubrey was waiting in Atlanta with a smile wide as could be and tears in her eyes. Chloe rushed to her and they clashed together like a puzzle that was missing this one piece; their bodies molding to one another in perfect harmony, burying their faces in the other's neck, tears of relief staining their cheeks when they pulled apart.
"I'm sorry." Chloe hushed and Aubrey pulled her back in a tight hug; all was forgiven.
"Let's go home, now, okay?" The blonde said and she nodded.
"I have to call Jesse." Chloe suddenly said, stopping in her tracks as they were about to exit the airport.
"I already called him, he's waiting at the apartment." She said in a weird tone, and Chloe knew something was up.
Suddenly, she didn't really want to be here, she wanted to be back in New York, to be comfortably numb in her daily and boring routine, she wanted to be that closed up version of herself, she wanted to be that person who reminded her so much of Beca. Chloe wanted to be just like Beca, because when she acted so protectively of herself, she felt the brunette was still alive, somewhere, like she was perpetuating her life in a twisted way. She liked the morbidity of living like a ghost of her past, it made her feel like she hadn't completely lost the girl, but she knew it had to stop somehow.
"What's up?" She cautiously asked once they were on their way back to the apartment; she didn't trust herself enough to ask when she could still go back.
"He got a letter. Well, two. One for him and… one for you." Aubrey eyed her best friend carefully when they came to a red light.
"Oh."
They remained silent until they arrived at the apartment, and the blonde was worried sick for her friend, who was unusually calm ever since she broke the news to her.
"Chloe, you don't have to do this right now. You just came back. Give yourself some time…" Aubrey started, but the redhead cut her off, holding up one hand when she saw Jesse sitting in the living room, nervously fidgeting with a sealed envelope.
"Jesse." She said in a confident voice, although her hands were slightly shaking as she approached him.
"Chloe." He jumped on his feet like the sofa was suddenly burning him and they stood there awkwardly for a long moment before he spoke again. "It's good to see you."
"Yeah, it's good to see you too." She smiled sadly, fighting off the tears stinging her eyes.
Aubrey disappeared in the kitchen and occupied her worried brain with making coffee for everyone as she heard the bodies shift in the living room. Jesse cautiously laced his arms around Chloe's waist and she buried her face in his neck, her shoulders slumping with relief. It felt so good to be held by someone who knew, someone who understood how it felt; they both missed a big part of their beings because of her. A hole dug in their chest that could never be filled back because she had taken it away and now she could never give it back.
"I have something for you, from her." He handed the envelope to her once they were sat side by side, and she looked at it for a long moment. "She sent me one too. If you want, I can read mine first. I haven't opened it yet. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I didn't want to send it to you. I… I needed to do this with you because you're the only one who understands."
She closed her eyes and concentrated on evening her breathing because she could feel the panic attack sneaking its way into her stomach, twisting her guts and making the bile rise as her head grew dizzy. A few deep breaths and she was feeling okay again. She extended her hand, but she didn't reach for the letter; she squeezed Jesse's hand tightly and thanked him silently. Then, she took the envelope with a sigh.
"We can do this, right?" He asked, and he sounded so much like a frightened kid that Chloe smiled despite herself; how does a grown man like him, who was so goofy and optimistic, became such a wreck? Would he ever be the same again? Of course not, just like you won't neither.
"Yes, Jesse, we can." She answered, and her voice was way more confident than she felt, but it worked and he nodded before opening the letter.
She did the same and her eyes fell on the handwritten words, full of angrily scraped ones, the pen forcing its ink on the sheet, leaving deep indentations on the mistreated paper.
"Dear Chloe,
Can I say that? Can I call you dear? I don't know. I know, though, that I hurt you. A lot. And I want to start by saying sorry, because I was a huge asshole. I never meant to hurt you, as confusing as that may be. I'm not good at feelings, but you already know that. You probably hate me right now, or you've moved on, but I couldn't really disappear from your life without letting you know this.
I do.
I love you.
It might be cruel of me to say those three little words now that I'm gone, but I can't leave for L.A. without telling you. I'm post-sending this letter, so you'll get it five months after my departure. It's probably selfish beyond possible of me to do this, but it's just the way I work. Me first. I tried putting you first, but I got so scared that I was going to forget about me, and I can't do that, Chloe.
I can't be the girl who gives her heart away like candy on Halloween because if I do that and one day you drop it, or you get tired of me, then I'll be the girl with the broken heart again. I'll be the girl who didn't see it coming, and I swore to not be destroyed by love like everyone else. I promised to myself I'd always put my survival first, and you came in and crashed all of my beliefs, and that was okay for a while. But it got serious;, I started to stop worrying about what could happen if you broke up with me, and that's bad. That's just plain bad, because that's how everyone ends up on the floor.
I hope you can understand that, one day. And maybe, if you're okay with this, we could try again someday. When I'm not afraid anymore, when I have consumed my dream, when I'm a grown up, because right now, I'm this shitty girl who can't love back the most perfect girl in the world, and it kills me. Maybe you'll find someone better than me. I hope you do, and I hope you have that perfect life you imagined for us. You deserve someone who's not constantly afraid of being hurt, you deserve someone who can give it all to you.
My heart feels broken, but it's okay because I'm the one who broke. I know I broke yours in the process, but you're strong. Much stronger than me, and I know you can take it. At least that's what I hope.
This letter is just to let you know that you can move on, don't wait for me. Please. Because I don't know if I'll ever be ready, and I don't want such a perfect heart like yours to stay unloved. I want the best for you, and I know it's not me, even though you think I am. I'm really touched you do, because no one has ever loved me the way you did, and I never loved anybody the way I love you.
I just can't do this, not right now and maybe not ever. It's too much.
I'm sorry, and I hope you'll be able to look back and know that what we had was true, it was raw and pure love, and it was like the best drug ever, but just like any drug, the higher you go, the deeper you sink after, and that was too terrifying for me. I'm a coward, and an asshole, I know, and you can hate me, but don't hate what we had, please.
Forever yours,
Beca."
She was so angry at Beca, and she wasn't sure exactly why. Because yes, that letter was painfully selfish, or because she understood her motives now but just couldn't tell her she did. She was unreasonably mad at her for being dead, because she would've loved to barge into her loft in L.A. and punch some sense into her face. She wanted her to be alive for just a minute so she could tell her she was forgiven for walking away, so she could tell her they could try again any time because Chloe wasn't going anywhere. She should've followed her, she should've made her see that she wasn't going to hurt her, she should've proven to her that she could love her without fear. She should have.
"I hate her so much." She heard herself say in a growling voice, and Jesse nodded.
"I can't believe she did this." He agreed, shaking his head.
"She said she loved me." Chloe whispered, all of her anger suddenly fading away as she let that sink in.
"She said I was the best best friend in the world. She apologized." He said right after, and they were both talking but in a parallel way more than a conversation.
"I miss her." Chloe squeaked after a few moments of silence.
"Me too." Jesse replied, and he pulled her in his arms gently.
"I'm sorry I couldn't hold her back." She murmured in a tiny voice and Jesse stiffened.
"No. it's not your fault, Chloe. Don't say that. She came to see me before she left. I told her that if this is what she needed, then she should go. She thanked me and she told me to take care of you. I failed at my best friend job. I didn't protect her and I didn't protect you." He croaked and his voice broke into tears he had held back for so long.
Chloe snaked her arms around his waist and held him tight for what felt like forever; he was really the only one who understood the guilt and the pain. She held on him as the sobs raked through her body. Aubrey came back in the living room with a platter filled with three cups of coffee and snacks. Chloe looked at the platter and a giggle escaped her clenched throat. She looked at her best friend in shock, wondering where that came from, but another bubble of laugh rose and popped out of her open mouth.
"What?" Aubrey asked suspiciously, going over the platter and trying to see what was funny.
"Nothing. I just… remembered something. Beca always made herself a coffee, but she never drank it." Chloe said in a bizarre mix of sadness and amusement.
"She hated coffee, but she insisted on having a cup before she started to work on a new mix." Jesse added with a small grin, and he chuckled lightly.
"But she'd always have a sip of mine whenever I had one and scrunch up her nose in the cutest way possible." Chloe's voice broke at the end of her sentence and Jesse squeezed her shoulders with a smile.
"She never took off her boots before slumping down my bed, and never apologized for putting dirt everywhere." He shook his head in disbelief, but the smirk couldn't be hid anymore.
"After two months of seeing each other, she started to cling to me in her sleep but would always deny it the next morning, although she was still tangled in me." She said in a more confident voice, remembering the first time she had done this and smiling more brightly.
Aubrey nodded and listened as they continued enunciated all the little things Beca did or said that made her the Beca they all loved so much although she couldn't give back.
"If only she had known just how much she meant to us, maybe she would've stayed…" Jesse trailed off and Chloe nodded.
"But it's too late now." She added a few seconds later, and he nodded too.
They sipped at their coffees, silently recalling all their Beca memories, and for once, they weren't sad or broken. They were happy they had had all these moments with her.
Maybe life would get better even if she wasn't here anymore, they all thought in unison.
A/N : I am so terribly sorry for this! I don't even know where it came from, I just opened Word today and wrote whatever was on my mind. So yeah, tell me what you thougt of it anyway! Please? Don't hate me, there's a new chapter of Summer Fades to Fall coming up (I posted it on Tumblr and forgot to post it here!) Also, a thousand apologies for the long ass hiatus, I'm back in the saddle now, and hopefully will be updating at a quicker pace :)