They never cared about you.
I tell myself every night.
What you did was right. All you were to them was someone to pin blame on when they had dates and what not. You were nothing to them.
'Was I truly just dead weight? A person for whom the blame would land? '
Yes.
I tell myself. 'Voldemort is a gracious master.'
Better than James? 'Cause that was what he was. He was your master. Not your friend. You were his slave.
I shake my head trying to clear the voices from my head. 'All those damn visits to Azkaban. Yes, I went to see Sirius one a month for 12 years. He thought I had forgotten about him. Never.'
Naturally. How could you forget one of the people who made your life a living hell?
' It wasn't exactly hell. For a while it was Heaven on Earth. I had friends. Real honest-to-God-friends.'
But now you know better.
'So what If I do?' I finally learned to see the real Marauders.'
Didn't like what you saw, did you?
' James was a prat. A funny prat...and smart. But a prat. He cared for no one but himself and his precious Lily flower.'
Ah. But he's not the only one who cared for Lily, is he?
I hang my head. 'I didn't want her to die. Just him.'
But he did die, didn't he? At your own hands.
I try desperately to redeem myself in my eyes. 'Not precisely at my own hands'
But it was your fault they died. Not Sirius's. Not Remus's. Not their one-year old son, Harry. But you've murdered him too. In your heart.
'But I didn't fire the killing curse! Master did.'
Only technically. You fired it in your heart. You murdered James. YOU murdered Lily. YOU murdered the one woman you ever loved! You're a monster. You are a rat. You will always be a rat. This is why your animal form was that of a smelly, tattered rat. It was your destiny. Everything about you screamed "TRAITOR!"
I sob into my hands, wishing I could go back. Go back and change my destiny. Die fighting with the only people who ever accepted me. Die, without James's and Lily's blood on my hands.
Voldemort enters. All thoughts cease.