This is the first installment of a series of crack drabbles. You'll see both normal guy girl and some yaoi guy guy. The ratings will vary like crazy as will the humor content of the story.

There will be an assortment of pairings, all of them very strange/uncommon/cracky.

Please enjoy my drabbles.

Pairing- HidanNaru

To give a brief summary- Hidan is sent to capture kyuubi, but unfortunately is an idiot. He doesn't even realize it when Naruto is right under his own nose. Will he figure it out? If so will Naruto escape? Just read and see XD

Rating-M for language

Warnings-Language, slight gore

Humor

(…)

"Fucking Leader…Fucking kyuubi. Just 'cause Itachi is too much of a faggy prick to be able to catch him the responsibilities fall on me…And most of all…STUPID MOTHER FUCKING KAKUZU WHO FUCKING LEFT ME OUT HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS IN PURSUIT OF SOME CHUMP CHANGE!!" Hidan screamed at the top of his lungs. He smashed his foot against a tree not at all caring about his large toe breaking in the process.

He glanced around him. Konoha…Unknown territory, just where he wanted to be abandoned. "How the hell am I suppose to sneak into the village anyway? Akatsuki robe and all," he grumbled.

"Oh Keisuke, this is a wonderful spot!" a girl swooned. "I'm glad you like it Shuuko," a boy responded.

"Wrong place and time for a date," Hidan said to himself. At least the problem of how to disguise himself was answered. Free clothes for the taking.

(…)

"What's a guy have to do to get some food in this place? Seriously!" Hidan demanded, shifting around uncomfortably on a stool in front of a small ramen shop inside the confounds of Konoha.

He was wearing the clothes oddly similar to ones that had previously been seen on a boy named Keisuke. Hidan had been debating wearing the clothes much like the ones a girl named Shuuko had been wearing, but had decided against that. One, because they were too small, two, because that was fucking gay.

"Ahhh, Ayame, I've been through Hell and back during training today! I need at least five bowls of ramen to make up for this," a blond boy whined, collapsing in the seat next to Hidan.

Hidan made a noise of irritation at the boy. He better not expect to be served first, because Hidan had been sitting there for a whole two minutes and wasn't about to let some loser who couldn't deal with training come in and make him wait even longer for his damned noodles. Which reminded him, where were his damned noodles?

The boy turned his blue eyes upwards to Hidan and frowned slightly. "Who are you?" he asked "I don't think I've ever seen you before…"

"Well no duh, dipshit. The village is so ridiculously big, it's not like it'd be odd to not know everyone in it, seriously," Hidan snorted.

The boy looked shocked. Hidan quickly corrected himself. "Uh…I mean, yeah. I normally eat on the other side of town."

"Oh…" the boy said looking at Hidan suspiciously. "Who are you?"

"I'm Hidan," he responded, the thought that using his own name was not the best of ideas didn't even cross his mind.

"Uzumaki Naruto," the boy offered.

"Awesome" Hidan said reaching his hand out. Naruto reached up to shake it before Hidan's hand went right passed him and grabbed a bowl of ramen from Ayame. Naruto frowned and let his hand drop. Well that was embarrassing.

"Are you a ninja?" Naruto asked "You shink anywasn ash awshome lookin' ash meh coun't beh?" Hidan asked through a mouthful of ramen.

Naruto gave him a funny look, he'd never met anyone who had even worse table manners then he had….This was great!!

"So where is your headband?" Naruto asked?

Hidan began choking on the ramen. "My..? Oh, yeah…That. I uh, left it at home," the man said lamely.

Crap, there is no way anyone is dumb enough to buy that lame excuse. I'll be found out before I even get a chance to see kyuubi. Hidan thought, his purple eyes watching the exit nervously. He was ready to make a break for it.

"Oh, that makes sense," the blond nodded.

Hidan's mouth practically dropped to the floor. "You believe that?" he asked.

"Should I not?" asked Naruto

"No, no. It's true, all true, seriously."

Hidan stood up and walked out of the ramen shop, conveniently as Ayame was dealing with another customer, conveniently forgetting to pay for his meal.

Naruto noticed this and called out to him. "Hey! Hidan! You forgot to pay!" "Motherfucking little shithead of a…" Hidan muttered. "Oh yeah? Well gee, thank God you reminded me." If it weren't for the fact that he was trying to blend in, Hidan would have just sacrificed them all then and there. But alas, that was the problem with trying to not draw attention to yourself.

He made a mental note to stab the boy with his scythe after finding kyuubi.

"So where are you heading to now?" Naruto asked hopping up and following Hidan. He was bored and Hidan seemed entertaining enough to kill some time with.

The man glared down at the boy. He was every bit as annoying as Tobi. Another Tobi…Hidan hadn't even though that was possible. He had certainly prayed that God never made another of that kind. Obviously his prayers had been ignored. He really needed to make some more sacrifices if he was expecting to get any answered.

More sacrifices, hey…He knew just the candidate for that. "Just for a walk in the woods. Wanna come with?" he asked Naruto, inwardly patting himself on the back for his sheer brilliance.

"Sure!" Naruto chirped happily.

"Excellent, you have no idea what you're in for…"

"What?"

"Oh shit, did I just say that out loud? Nothing, I said nothing."

"Okay…?"

(…)

"I'm not really sure where we are. You do know the way back don't you Hidan-san?" Naruto asked.

Hidan snorted. "You're an idiot. You don't get it do you? There is no back for you."

"You don't want me to go back…? Why? Oh I get it! This is Tsunade's idea! She wants you to take me on a mission right?" Naruto asked

"Yes that's right I'm going to- Wait…What? What the fuck?" Hidan took a few steps back, hoping stupidity wasn't contagious.

"That isn't it?" Naruto asked. "What else could you possibly mean?"

"I'm gonna fucking kill you," Hidan practically screamed.

"WHAT?! I see! It's because that damned fox is inside me and you're an assassin."

"Yeah! Exactly! You're kyuubi and I'm a…YOU'RE KYUUBI?!"

Naruto blinked. That hadn't been his reason?

"Well damn! My job just got easier," Hidan said smugly. "You're coming back with me fox boy."

"NO!" Naruto growled.

"It wasn't a choice. Now to…to…fuck," Hidan's eye twitched as he realized he had left all of his belongings, including his scythe back at the little clearing he had been waiting for Kakuzu in.

Naruto narrowed his eyes getting ready for an attack.

"Yeah…uh, I can't do this right now. Maybe if we fight in another clearing?" Hidan asked hopefully.

Naruto continued to glare.

"Didn't think so," Hidan grumbled. Well hell…How hard can it be to defeat this kid?

(…)

Apparently a lot harder than Hidan had originally thought.

No matter how much blood I draw I can't knock him out, his wounds just keep healing Hidan thought, glancing around for a rock he could chuck at the boy's head or something. It's kinda like me…Obviously I'm much better, but still- Oh shit! Better dodge.

He slid around and grabbed the kyuubi vessel by the back of his neck. Pinning him to a tree. For safety measures he pressed his own body against him just to make sure the boy couldn't move.

A trickle of blood dripped down the boy's cheek. Bingo thought Hidan dipping his head down to lick off the blood.

Naruto jerked back "First you try to kill me, then you fight me, now this?!"

"This…? What? Oh! Oh…Oh hell no!" Hidan said jerking his head back. "What do you think? No! Unlike the rest of Akatsuki, I'm not a queer, seriously." Hidan wasn't sure what the point of defending his sexuality to a boy he was about to knock senseless and then drag back for Leader to do who the hell knows what to was, but he didn't like the implication.

"You're not…? I wasn't saying that," Naruto narrowed his eyes "It's obvious you're like that creepy exam proctor from a few years back. Sick blood fetish."

Hidan glared down at him. "Yeah well…I'm not gay! Just saying, in case you thought that me getting defensive about it meant that I am…Cause I'm not."

"Right…" Naruto muttered.

Hidan spun the boy around so he was facing him. Pinning his wrist above his head. "I'm not," he hissed.

"…You don't call this gay?" Naruto asked slightly confused sounding.

"No gay would be something more like.." Hidan started to lean forward. "Wait!! I'm not showing you what that would be!!" He screamed jerking backwards, and letting go of the blond boy in the process.

Naruto took this chance to do what Hidan hadn't, that is, grab a rock and bashing the other on the head with it.

"F-fuck," Hidan hissed as he fell to the ground.

(…)

"Hidan you idiot…get up," an annoying familiar voice said. "Thanks to you, we had to turn back and didn't even get a chance to catch kyuubi. Who smashed your head open with a rock anyway? Finally pissed off a horde of villagers enough so they tried to do you in? Do you know how much money I lost because of you?"

"Shut up Kakuzu," Hidan muttered rolling over on his side. "I don't wanna talk about it."

"You sound like a spoiled child," Kakuzu remarked.

Hidan chose to ignore him. He was pissed. At the boy who had inflicted far above a needed amount of pain on his head. Pissed that he had accidentally let the boy get free. And pissed that that boy still probably thought he was gay. He wasn't gay damnit!!

Leader better damn well keep him on the kyuubi case, he had a thing or two to tell that punk. And he wouldn't be so careless next time.