Title: Almost Careless
Pairing: McGee/Ziva
Rating: T
Genre: Het
Cat: Angst, Episode Tag, Romance
Spoilers: Tag to 10x20 Chasing Ghosts
Warnings: None.
Summary: Right and wrong seem relative terms when it comes to matters of the heart.
Author's Note: Took me long enough, but I finally finished this. Not really sure of the reaction it will receive, but it felt like the right thing to write.
"When are we going to tell Tony?"
"Soon enough. Not yet, though."
"Ziva, he's been acting like he's about 30 seconds from bugging your apartment."
"Well, it's a good thing we aren't there, then, isn't it?"
"Ziva. . ."
"No, I know. We will tell him. Eventually. Now I just need someone who will not question my every move, is that so much to ask?"
"Of course not. But . . . we shouldn't be doing it this way. I care about you, Ziva, and. . ."
"And? You are afraid I am using you, yes? You think I am still vulnerable and my emotions are not to be trusted, that I will simply lose control and do something I should not, am I right?"
"Well, you tell me. Look at us. You asked me to do something illegal to help you, and I did, and I would do it all over again, because it's for you. I would do it for anyone on the team. But Ziva, look at us right now and tell me what this is."
Ziva rolled over to face the wall, turning away from McGee, though she could feel the heat of his body behind her. He was right to ask. And he deserved an answer. But she wasn't sure she could even give him that right now.
"If you do not want to be here. . ."
"No, Ziva, I told you already, I'm in this with you as long as you want me here."
"I want you here. I . . . need you here. And not just for the computers."
"I know. I'm here, Ziva."
"Can you. . .?"
He didn't respond with words, but wrapped an arm around her, pulling her back to rest against his chest, their skin warm against each other. He pressed a kiss to her bare shoulder, as she captured his hand with hers and brought it to rest on her stomach.
They both knew this wasn't right, that illegally trailing Bodnar was one thing, but sleeping together afterward was something else altogether, but nothing had been the same since Ziva's father had been killed. Ziva had thrown all logic out the window and gave in to her baser instincts, reverting back to years of acting defensively and sheltering her true self. Everything she'd been doing with McGee had been her idea, especially the sex, and part of her felt bad for it, knowing he'd go along with whatever she suggested, because he did care about her, but she really wasn't using him.
"I'm. . ."
"Hey, no. You don't have anything to apologize for. We're very different people, Ziva, and I don't know if I'll ever fully understand you, but that's okay. Don't feel guilty. I'm not doing anything I don't want to do."
"But you feel guilty yourself."
"I don't like keeping secrets, that's all. And I know you don't, either."
"But it is what is necessary, McGee."
"I know. And . . . I know that once you tell Tony, this will be over, and . . . I've accepted that."
Ziva flipped over to face him so quickly McGee was worried she'd hurt herself. He looked at her with wide eyes at the action, but his expression softened at the look on her face. Hurt.
"Is that really what you think?"
"I don't know what to think, Ziva. Nothing makes sense anymore."
"I turned to you for a reason, Tim. It may not seem like it makes sense to you, but it does to me. You all mean so much to me, and I trust you all, but I need you all for different reasons."
"So I'm your go-to computer guy and occasional sex partner?"
Ziva looked away, and he sighed. He shouldn't have said that.
"Sorry, that was rude. I just . . . I trust you, Ziva, but so much of my life, I've just been that guy that people turn to when they need something and then. . ."
"You have a right. And I am glad you said something. You let people walk over you far too often. You are worth more than that. And with everything that has happened, I have realized I need to stop waiting, because life will not wait for me."
"You think Gibbs will see it that way?"
"It does not matter to me. People are more important than rules. And if he sees my behavior as reckless, if the Director finds that I am a liability to the team, then so be it. I would rather have a family, and you all are all I have left."
Again, McGee found himself without words, and he wrapped his arms around Ziva, pulling her against him. If that was what she wanted, he couldn't really deny her. And he didn't want to, either. But as he held her and they eventually fell asleep, they both found themselves wondering what was next, and what was right.
THE END