LORD OF THE RINGS, ABRIDGED VERSION
EXT. MORDOR - DAY
It is a sunny day at the Black Gate, the entrance to Mordor. A UPS delivery truck DRIVES up to the Black Gate. A DELIVERYMAN exits the truck, walks up to the gate and KNOCKS on it.
An ORC opens the gate.
.
DELIVERYMAN
Package for Sauron of Mordor. Sign here.
.
Deliveryman hands Orc a pad to sign. Orc signs the pad, hands it back, and Deliveryman gives him a small package.
.
DELIVERYMAN
Have a nice day.
.
Deliveryman walks back to truck. Orc CLOSES gate.
Cut to INT. MORDOR CASTLE
In a dark, gothic office (complete with giant spiderwebs and a pool of molten lava), the eye of SAURON is at a desk, WHISTLING and reading a newspaper. Orc enters with the package.
.
ORC
(matter-of-factly)
Package from UPS.
.
Sauron turns from his desk to speak with Orc.
.
SAURON
Oh, yeah? What's in it?
.
ORC
(looking at package label)
Says it's Bieber CDs.
.
SAURON
(surprised and irritated)
Justin Bieber CDs? Who the hell would send me Justin Bieber CDs?!
.
ORC
(looking at package label)
Mmmm, says it's from your grandma.
.
SAURON
(exasperated)
Oh, for Melkor's sake —
.
ORC
Is it your birthday or something?
.
SAURON
No, not for another three months.
.
ORC
Then why's she sending you Bieber CDs?
.
SAURON
(sighs)
I don't know. She means well, she just doesn't know what I'm into anymore. She thinks I'm still a kid struggling to build his own music collection.
.
ORC
Seriously, who buys CDs anymore?
.
SAURON
I know, right? I mean, even if it was something good, I wouldn't get a hard copy.
.
ORC
Unless the album art was cool.
.
SAURON
But even then, I'd just buy the vinyl.
.
ORC
I know! You've got a great vinyl collection! Why not send you an LP?
.
SAURON
And that's the thing, see? She grew up with vinyl LPs, but she doesn't appreciate it. She doesn't get how the analog recordings are so much richer than digital.
.
ORC
(shaking his head)
It's a shame. And, I mean, Bieber?
.
SAURON
I know, she doesn't have a clue. She just goes with whatever's on "Entertainment Tonight". She thinks she's connecting with me, but she's really just demonstrating how much we've grown apart.
.
ORC
Yeah.
.
SAURON
I mean, I'm a grown man, now. I own my own home, I'm gradually reconquering Middle Earth — meanwhile, she's stuck on being a grandma. She hasn't learned how to change.
.
ORC
Tragic.
.
SAURON
Yeah, I know, it's really sad.
(sighs)
Still, she is my grandma, I guess I can't blame her.
.
ORC
Yeah, I guess —
(pauses, then holds up package)
So, what you want me to do with this?
.
SAURON
Ah, just chuck it in the lava.
.
Sauron turns to continue reading the paper.
.
ORC
Roger that.
.
Orc tosses the package into the molten lava. It SPLASHES, submerges, and disappears. Sauron suddenly begins to glow and VIBRATE violently. He quickly turns to look at the molten lava. Orc watches, puzzled.
.
SAURON
(desperate)
No! Wait!
.
Cut to INT. BILBO'S HOME
FRODO, SAM, PIPPIN, MERRY, and GANDALF are in the living room of a hobbit home in the Shire. Through the window, they all watch the spire of Sauron in the distance as it crumbles, teeters, and then EXPLODES.
Sam turns to look at the computer on the desk. He CLICKS on the mouse.
.
SAM
Yep, that was it. Website says it was just delivered.
.
MERRY
Thank God, we've seen the last of that pompous, vinyl-loving, pink-eyed weirdo! He bought up all the "Yes" albums!
.
FRODO
(turning to Gandalf, disgusted)
And to think you were going to make us fight orcs and trolls and giant spiders and wraiths!
.
PIPPIN
(to Gandalf, disgusted)
And have us talk to dwarves and walk lots of places!
(points at Gandalf)
You sadistic old man!
.
Gandalf shrugs his shoulders sheepishly.
Suddenly, BILBO enters the living room. He is disheveled and wild-eyed. Everybody turns to look at him.
.
BILBO
(frantic)
Where are my Justin Bieber CDs?! We must haves them! Where is the precious?!
.
GANDALF
See, I think he just has an addictive personality. He was the same way when we took Angry Birds off his phone!
.
End scene.