Disclaimer: Anything Teen Titan related does not belong to me, sadly. If it did, season five would have panned out a bit differently, I should think ; )
Nature's Law
Robin came after her. That was her downfall.
If Robin hadn't chased her down as she fled the library, Raven would have gone straight to Slade and never would have looked back. She knows this like she knows silence and shadows, like she knows the words of a prophecy that foretells her doom. It's intimate, this knowledge of her betrayal, and double-sided like a trick coin: she betrays them if she leaves, betrays them if she stays. But if she leaves, at least she won't have to watch them die.
But Robin wouldn't let her leave.
Robin made her pause, made her think, made her realize where she needs to stand in the battle that is to come. They are her friends, and her friends are all she has, besides a legacy of darkness, so what choice is there really? Raven never really belonged anywhere the way she does by the sides of her friends, by Robin. They should fly together.
Robin doesn't know where she was leaving to, and he certainly doesn't know that he stopped her, because she left all the same, though she didn't go nearly as far as she might have. Robin doesn't understand defeat, almost doesn't believe in it, and would never forgive her martyrdom.
But he understands other things about her.
What aren't you telling me? He had asked, and Raven had been struck wide-eyed and dumb at his reckless concern, at the way he knew her enough to say me rather than we, because of course she would never tell the others. There are secrets kept only between the two of them, dark things that no one else could possibly understand. And Raven can even admit that his concern feels good, that she enjoys the way it prickles at her defenses, yet leaves her soothed just the same.
But she has drawn lines for a reason, to protect her friends, and now Robin is trying to read between them. Simply put, the boy has no sense of self-preservation.
He is drawn to her, she feels this, and in the same way she is drawn to him. Raven knows how they are drawn to each other, and why: their mind-meld only made it more obvious. It is not coincidence that each is always unconsciously aware of where the other is, not coincidence that Raven knows every move he makes in battle, every step, every flick of wrist as he wields his Bo staff.
Raven doesn't think Robin knows it yet, though perhaps he is starting to understand.
After all, he did come after her.
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"All right!" Beast Boy crows, shifting from eagle to boy in a flurry of feathers. "I believe that's a new record!"
"Not for long," Cyborg assures him, crouching down on the starting line of their training course.
"Ready…GO!" Robin calls out, punching the start button.
Cyborg is off like a rocket, and Raven raises one arm to shade her eyes against the glare of the midday sun as she watches him go. The corners of her lips are quirked in a slight smile at their smugness, her face for once free of shadows cast by her hooded cloak. The day is warm, and she shed the garment long ago to ward off the heat.
"What are you smirking about?"
The voice is low, and near, and perhaps Raven would have been surprised if the speaker were anyone but Robin.
"Only the crutch of overconfidence," she says, matching his tone.
"You don't think Cyborg will beat Beast Boy's score?" Robin asks.
She slants her eyes toward him, just a bit. "Oh, I don't know about that. It's whether he'll learn anything from it that I wonder about."
Robin tilts his head to one side, considering. "Competition can be good, you know, even within a team."
Raven says nothing, her eyes on Starfire as the other girl approaches.
"Friends, it is your turn now, is it not?" Starfire asks, smiling.
Raven wonders, more out of curiosity than anything, why Starfire asks questions she already knows the answer to. Raven has always believed the other girl is less naïve than she lets on, and surely by now she would have caught on to the general pattern of things. Raven and Robin always go last. They have the most experience, the most to teach, and they have found it's best to let the others show off a bit before they start to get serious about things.
"You first this time, or me?" asks Robin.
"You," Raven says immediately.
He smirks, and leans into her. "Feel like watching today, hmm?"
Robin is smug, but Raven can't find it in herself to deny him that, particularly when he is right. Starfire is watching them with something uncertain in her eyes, and Raven shifts away from him.
"Just get on with the show, Boy Wonder."
He turns away, suddenly all business. "Right. Hey, Star- wanna give me a boost?"
Starfire claps her hands together in delight. "Certainly, friend Robin!"
Raven knows she shouldn't watch so closely as Starfire clasps his hands in her own, shouldn't look to Robin's face for any trace of emotion as the girl's fingers tighten around his.
She does anyway, and wonders when she started watching Robin the same way Starfire does.
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There are things that you want, and there are things that you need: sometimes, Raven can hardly tell the difference. Raven doesn't lie to herself, so there is no use pretending that she doesn't want the one thing she can't possibly have.
But no, she thinks, hovering Indian-style above her favourite spot in front of the bay window, that's not it.
Because it isn't that she can't have him, it's that she won't.
Giving up on her meditation, Raven lets herself float gracefully to the ground, feet alighting on the smooth tile floor. Opening her eyes, she presses her forehead against the cool glass of the windowpane, and stares out across the water.
She could have him. It would be easy, even, because she knows how he feels about her. He feels about her the same way that he feels about Starfire, but darker, more intensely, because Raven is difficult to get close to, harder to get.
She doesn't think Robin is aware of what he's doing, not really. He's not playing either of them purposely, but Robin is impulsive, Robin wants things. And as satisfying as it would be for both of them to just give into it, she knows that she at least cannot.
No good can come of it- not for her, not for Robin, not for Starfire. She doesn't want to lose any friends: she has few enough as it is. Not to mention that she's bringing about the end of the world, which is some pretty bad karma right there, and Raven absolutely refuses to drag Robin- or Starfire- down with her.
Ah. A wave of warmth washes over her, soothing and sensual. Speak of the devil…
"Hello, Robin."Raven doesn't turn around, andRobin doesn't seem surprised that she felt his presence.
"Caught me," he says, hands held up in surrender as he comes to stand beside her at the window. "Enjoying the view?"
"Mmm," she murmurs noncommittally, overly aware of the fact that their arms are just barely touching. He probably did that on purpose, she thinks, only a bit resentful. She leans away, and hopes that he doesn't notice.
If he does, he doesn't show it. "The others want to go out for pizza tonight. Is that okay with you?"
Raven shrugs. "Sure."
She glances at him out of the corner of one eye, wondering if he sought her out just to ask that, and desperately hopes so. But he doesn't leave, only nods once and turns back to the window.
They are quiet then, and it isn't one of their normal, comfortable silences. There's something there, and they both sense it, charging the space between them. Raven holds her breath, waiting for one of them to break the quiet.
Robin finally does, turning to face her almost hesitantly. "Look, if there's anything you need to talk about, anything at all, you know I'm here for you, right?" He places a gloved hand on her shoulder.
Raven breathes out, almost a sigh. "Of course."
"Good," he says softly. "Good," he repeats, taking a step closer to her, and just like that Raven is holding her breath again. "It's just…after what happened with Slade, and you telling us about the prophecy…I just worry about you, Raven."
The hand that has been resting on her shoulder slides around to cup the back of her neck, tentatively at first, then more confidently when she doesn't pull away. The truth is, Raven couldn't move, even if she wanted to, though she is surprised that she isn't shaking from the force of the emotions his touch has ignited within her.
This is a mistake, she thinks as his fingers brush up along her neck, leaving a trail of tingling skin in their wake. But, oh, it feels so good.
Robin's hand caresses up over her chin and runs gently across her cheek, the pads of his fingers tracing the bones of her face to rest just beneath her eye. He pauses then, holding his hand still, and stares into her eyes, searching for a reaction.
Raven is so, so scared that she'll give something away, and uses every ounce of her will to keep her emotions in check. Something must have slipped past her defenses though, something he must have been looking for, because Robin's hand moves again, slipping into her hair. He leans in, lips just brushing her ear.
"I don't want to lose you," Robin whispers.
Raven shuts her eyes. She can't tell him that he won't.
Then, suddenly, Robin jerks away, and Raven's eyes snap open at the sound of Beast Boy's voice as he saunters into the common room, blissfully unaware of what he has interrupted.
"Hey, you guys!" he says, and Raven thinks that she has never been so glad to hear his voice.
"Uh, hi, Beast Boy," Robin says, and Raven notes that he is unable to keep the guilt from his voice. He is lucky that their friend seems to be oblivious to it.
"Cyborg and I are trying to organize a game of Stankball- you in?" Beast Boy asks. "We could use a referee, Raven."
"Okay," she tells him, grateful for the chance to escape being alone with Robin any longer.
Beast Boy looks surprised at her decision. "Great!" he says happily, and Raven follows him toward the door.
Robin tries to catch her eye as she walks past him, but Raven ignores him, already chastising herself for not leaving sooner. She can't afford to make mistakes like this, especially when she is making them consciously. She can't have him.
The last thing she wants is another Azarath. She is responsible for too many deaths already, and his will not be another.
Robin's life is not hers to throw away.
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"Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos!"
Black magic gathers in her palm, and Raven releases it toward her enemy. Cinderblock roars in pain and is thrown off balance just enough to allow Cyborg to land a stunning blow to the villain's chest.
Raven's grin of triumph, however, quickly leaves her face when Cinderblock lifts his massive form off the ground, unhurt and angrier than ever.
"Can't this guy take a hint?" Cyborg asks, dodging one of Cinderblock's massive fists.
"Doubtful," Raven mutters, watching from the corner of her eye as Robin and Beast Boy circle around behind Cinderblock to lay a sneak attack. Starfire, for her part, is distracting the creature with a rain of green bolts.
Raven begins to fly higher, meaning to get out of their way and to prepare her own attack, but something snags at the bottom of her cloak.
"Raven!" Beast Boy shouts, his warning giving away his and Robin's position.
Raven's fingers fly to the clasp of her cloak, trying to get it undone before she is pulled down, but it is too late. Before she knows what hit her, Cinderblock has slammed her against the warehouse wall, pinning her there with concrete fingers that clench tightly around her ribs.
Cursing cloaks, distractions, and the fact that her friends can't make any real attacks for fear of hitting her now, Raven struggles in Cinderblock's grasp. Her mind is working fast, searching for a solution. She isn't quick on her feet like Robin or Beast Boy, and she isn't as strong as Cyborg or Starfire, but Raven is calm, and intelligent, and she still has a few tricks up her sleeves: she is not worried that she won't be able to get out of this.
But someone else is.
Robin attacks unthinkingly, striking at Cinderblock from the front and in plain view. His Bo staff splits in two when he brings it down on the villain's arm, but it fulfills its purpose and Raven shoots up out of Cinderblock's loosened grip. Robin, however, is still very much in harm's way, and he takes a blow to the side of the head, which sends him skidding across the floor. Only Starfire's quick shots save him from being trampled by the infuriated concrete giant.
Robin isn't moving, and Raven flies quickly to his side. The others, she knows, can take care of Cinderblock just fine now that he is lacking her as a shield.
"Robin! Robin, wake up!" Raven says, though she can't really tell if his eyes are open or not through his mask.
Robin lets out a groan, and sits up, bringing one hand up to rub at his temple. "Raven," he says, catching sight of her. "You're all right."
"Of course I'm all right," she says, resorting to exasperation rather than acknowledge the fact she was half-scared out of her mind for him. "I'm not the one who decided to take on Cinderblock single-handedly without so much as a parting glance to strategy! You're an idiot, you realize," she tells him, just for good measure, but even she can hear the relief in her voice.
"Told you," he murmurs so that only she can hear. "I don't want to lose you."
Raven's heartbeat is like bird-wings in her chest, and she has to turn away so that he doesn't see her smile.
x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
After the battle with Cinderblock, Raven decides that it's time to put some distance between herself and Robin.
Things are getting way out of hand, getting dangerous. It is no good for them to be thinking about each other when there are villains to be conquered and innocent lives to be saved. And Raven understands the trap that is depending on someone, because once there was a man named Malchior, a man who was not a man at all, but a beast, a betrayer.
Malchior had been deceptive and cruel, this is true, but he also taught her the value of self-reliance. He showed her how easy it is for trust to be misplaced, and Raven has learned her lesson well.
Not that she thinks Robin will betray her, at least not intentionally. If he did betray her, it would be by trying to stop her from betraying them. Her logic is a bit convoluted, yes, but Raven can see the sense in it.
Or it is a good enough excuse, anyway, sneers a voice inside her mind. Courage, perhaps, bitter at her neglect. Raven pretends not to have heard.
There is a knock at her door, andshe freezes, trying not to make a sound so as not to give herself away.
"Raven!" comes a voice that she did not expect. "I know you're in there! Robin sent me up to get you. We're going over the plans for the next mission."
"I'll be down in a moment, Beast Boy," Raven calls back through the door, and listens as his footsteps retreat back down the hall.
A rueful little smile has snuck its way to her lips. Robin always did know how to negotiate around her stubbornness. But if he thinks his cleverness will eventually get them alone together again then he has grossly overestimated himself…or worse, underestimated her.
It's for him that she will stay away, really. He feels these things deeper than she does,but detachment, while painful, will be worth it in the long run. It is useless to get attached now, when the world could end tomorrow.
He won't see it right away, but that's all right: Raven will hide so that Robin doesn't have to.
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He finds her anyway.
He finds her in, of all places, the elevator.
"Ah," he says, looking the part of a predator who has finally cornered its prey. "I've been trying to get you alone all week."
"I know," she says, glad for the hood of her cloak that masks her expression, if only just. She wishes for a mask so that she can hide her eyes, like he does. Eyes don't lie, which is likely that main reason he keeps his hidden, protection of his identity reduced to a secondary concern.
But even with the mask, he still manages to look confused. "You do? Then why are you avoiding me? Is something wrong? Is it…Trigon?" The predatory look is gone, and now he is all worry.
Raven is quick to reassure him. "No, it's not anything like that." She reaches out to push the button for their floor. "Not yet, anyway."
Azarath, Guilt whispers inside her, and Raven is quick to smother it. Not yet.
"Then…what, Raven?" Robin's brow furrows in concern. "Is this about the other day?"
"No."
Robin's lips tighten, and Raven knows that his eyes are narrowed beneath his mask.
"Are we just going to pretend there is…" he gestures between them, "nothing?"
Ravendrops her eyes from hisas she lies. "I don't know what you're talking about, Robin."
His emotions are changing so fast that Raven can hardly keep up with them. They flicker from confusion to hurt to anger, and when the elevator finally stops, she hurries to escape the barrage on her senses.
He doesn't let her go. Instead, one of Robin's hands shoots out to hit the door close button, while the other catches her around the waist, fingers firm on the small of her back.
"Would you like me to explain it to you then?"
His breath was warm on her cheek, and Raven can't help but think that if she turned her head just so….
The inevitability of it all scares her, like it is another prophecy coming true. His lips are sweet as sin, when they meet hers halfway, and Raven finds it easy to slip into the kiss as his passion pulls her under.
It is their first kiss, but Raven can feel the finality in it, in the space between their lips once they've parted, and she wonders if Robin can feel it to. He must sense something in her gaze, because he grips her forearm as they stand breathless before each other.
"Nothing blew up," he says, half-smiling in reassurance, but Raven can feel what he really means is: This is okay, see? This is right.
That he thinks that surprises her, because never has she used the word right to describe this thing between them. Raven finds that she likes it.
Her hands reach up to caress his face, feeling, memorizing. She wonders if his eyes are closed, and her fingers drift unconsciously toward the hem of his mask. Raven catches herself when she feels the course material and she hesitates, but Robin's hands are steady on her hips and he lifts his head just slightly in ascent.
See me, he seems to say, but does not speak, as if afraid to break the spell.
Raven's fingers hover there, and she wants- oh, does she want - but she can't bring herself to do it because once she does there will be no more running from this. She can't find him when she knows that she will lose him again so soon.
Robin frowns as she lifts her hands from his face, and she takes advantage of the distraction his frustration affords to reach past him and slap the button that will open the door.
The elevator clings open and this time he doesn't try to stop her.
Raven doesn't look back as she walks away, but she can feel his eyes on her all the way down the hall.
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For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction: this is what Raven knows about nature, about life. So, she is not at all surprised when Starfire seeks her out.
Starfire does not corner her, like Robin did, but simply comes quietly to hover at Raven's side while she is meditating. Immediately, Raven is wary.
Starfire waits until Raven has pulled herself back into consciousness before speaking. "Hello, friend Raven."
"Hello, Starfire," Raven replies in a tone that says get to the point. A twist of Starfire's pretty mouth lets Raven know that the message has been understood.
"I wish to speak to you," Starfire begins, hands folded serenely in her lap as she floats cross-legged in the air, "about friend Robin."
Raven raises one brow, feigning curiosity.
"I like him…very much," Starfire says, her voice tinted for the first time with apprehension.
"I know," Raven tells her, and she can't help but think that for once, she and Starfire feel the same about something.
And with that thought comes guilt, too, because she knows that what they both want she already has within her grasp. Robin is attracted to Starfire, yes, but he is attracted to her the way a shadow is drawn to light. The two can never be one: they blot each other out. Ah, but the contrast of dark on dark is never difficult to understand, and that is why she can never truly be jealous of Starfire, but only pity the girl who loves someone who cannot love her back the same way.
Robin has a dark side. Starfire would accept it, she knows, but the other girl could never love it like Raven does, never admire the darkness that reveals his humanity, and the courage that he shows in facing it.
And where Raven has no other home, not anymore, Starfire does and Starfire will leave. She'll have to, eventually, when she gets homesick and begins to feel the weight of her responsibility to her people. Raven knows that Starfire has seen their future, and she knows that the alien girl was not in it.
But Raven also knows that just because she could have something, doesn't mean that she should. Proof of this is right before her.
Starfire looks down at her hands, then back up at Raven. "Do you think that he likes me very much, as well?"
Raven likes Starfire, she respects Starfire, and her friend does not deserve to be lied to. But like anything else, friendship has its limits.
"Sure, Starfire," Raven tells her.
Starfire must catch the doubt in her voice, though, because a strange looks crosses her face, like sorrow mixed with anger mixed with something else Raven can't quite find a word for, but knows because she has felt it, too.
"There may be something between us," Starfire says earnestly. "And if there is, you would not mind, would you, friend Raven?"
And Raven finally turns to look at the other girl, studying her face carefully. She knows, Raven thinks, and realizes that she must answer carefully, that this is a test and that Starfire is watching her closely to see if she passes.
"Of course not," Raven finally says.
And when Starfire nods once and flies away, Raven if left wondering if either of them believed it.
x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
This time, Raven is the one that seeks Robin out.
It has been a few days since her confrontation with Starfire, and a few more since her brief tryst with Robin in the elevator, and Raven can no longer bear the distance between her emotions and reality.
Her surrender is largely due to her fatigue. It takes energy to block her friends' emotions, and Raven has little to spare since Slade's minions have been especially unmerciful in their frequent attacks lately. It is a sign of the final battle that is to come, and the Titans are all left anxious and exhausted by it.
So, in desperation, Raven seeks Robin out, hoping to relieve at least some of the tension that is battering her senses.
She hesitates before the door to his room, second-guessing her decision to confront him when she is already so emotionally spent, but knocks just the same. Robin looks surprised to see her when he answers, but the surprise is quickly veiled by something like skepticism, and he gestures for her to step inside.
She does, the door sliding shut behind her, and turns to face him.
"Well," Robin says, "to what do I owe the pleasure?"
Inside, Raven winces at his tone, which is tired and more than slightly sarcastic. Robin likes to face things head on, so her actions must be frustrating to him, but Raven has always preferred avoidance. After all, she has been cultivated from birth to avoid thinking about what she is- it was the only way to survive, really.
"We need to talk," she begins, careful to keep her tone dry. "Obviously."
"I was under the impression that there was nothing to talk about," Robin tells her, arms crossed over his chest. "At least according to you."
Across the room, a few books topple from their shelf and there is a crack that can only be the windowpane. Raven forces herself to calm.
Despite the noise, Robin doesn't take his eyes off of her. "Something bothering you?" he asks mildly, though the smirk is evident in his voice.
Raven narrows her eyes at him. "Do you want to hear what I have to say, or should I just go now and spare myself the snide commentary?"
Robin sighs. "No, don't go. I'm sorry." He runs a hand through his hair in obvious frustration. "You're just so…"
"I know," Raven says, sparing him from trying to find the right adjective. "And I'm sorry, too. But you have to understand: this can't happen."
"'This' meaning…"
"Don't pretend to be stupid," Raven snaps. "This meaning us."
Robin stares at her. "All right. Fine."
Even though it's what she needs to hear, Raven's chest tightens, because it isn't what she wants to hear. For some reason, she thought he would fight for her. Which is stupid. Why should he when she is difficult, and avoidant, and scared out of her mind that every choice she makes is the wrong one? She wouldn't even fight for her.
"Okay," Raven says, ignoring the way it comes out short and clipped like she is upset. "Fine." She turns to go.
"Aren't you even going to tell me why?"
And that makes her pause, again. She never expected him to ask why, though perhaps she should have because Robin likes to know things. Raven hates the way that she is relieved that he still wants to know things about her.
She searches for the easiest excuse, because she knows he won't accept the real reason. "Starfire…" she begins.
Robin shakes his head. "This isn't about Starfire. It's just about us, Raven."
Raven bites her lip: So much for the easiest excuse. She turns to face him once more.
"You know what I am. You saw it. I'm a gateway, a gateway for destruction, for death."
"No." His voice his firm. "You're a person, Raven. A friend."
And now she is angry, because he should understand. The glass in the window cracks again, as close to shattering as she is.
"You think I want to watch you die?" Raven asks. "You think it's fair to make me…feel about you, when I know I'm going to destroy you?"
"You're not going to destroy anyone!" Robin tells her, sounding angry now himself. "Stop talking like that, Raven. Stop even thinking it."
Raven lets out a frustrated breath, allowing her anger seep out with the air. "It's too hard, Robin." She tries to sound impassive, but her voice breaks on his name, betraying her.
Robin catches her slip, and his voice softens. "It doesn't have to be."
Raven stubbornly bites back her reply, and Robin sighs. He takes a step closer to her. "You know how I feel about you. I know you do. But I don't know how you feel about me." He sounds almost sad. "You have to tell me what you want."
Raven can't speak, torn between what she should say and what she wants to.
Robin is looking at her, considering. "Do you want me to leave you alone?"
That is a question she can answer. "No."
"Then what do you want?" He is pushing her dangerously close to her limits, and she knows that he is well aware of it.
Raven often wishes she were someone else, but never has she wished harder than she is wishing now. If she were someone else, she could take what she wants, what she is being offered. Someone else could answer his question with all the right words, but Raven can only answer with silence.
And yet, Robin is accepting of her silence here, just as he is accepting of everything else about her. Robin is the only one that sees past her strangeness, her otherness, to the person that is underneath. He is the only one who knows when she wants to be stopped from walking away, and when to let her go.
And right now he's not letting her go. Instead, he ups the ante, because even if he cannot physically stop her, he can certainly make it harder for her to leave.
And Raven does want to leave, especially when his hands leave her shoulders and reach around to the back of his head where the strings that hold his mask are tied.
"Maybe you think that we're on unequal footing," Robin says. "Maybe you feel too exposed." Raven shakes her head at him, but he continues, fingers working the knot as she stands frozen before him.
"So let me even the playing field," Robin says. "You showed me your secret. It's only fair that I show you mine."
"Don't," Raven says, but before she can stop him he has pulled the mask free.
Blue meets violet and the mask flutters forgotten to the ground.
Raven backs away hastily, but it is too late. She cannot un-see what she has seen. "You shouldn't have done that," she whispers. "I don't deserve it."
"You don't deserve a lot of things that have happened to you, Raven, but this is not one of them."
And Raven shakes her head again in denial, but there are no words for this, and she can only stare wide-eyed as he approaches her. Raven thinks that he might kiss her, but all Robin does is place his hands gently on her shoulders, leaning down to meet her eyes with his unmasked ones.
"This is right," he says softly, but firmly. "We're right."
Raven bites her lip to stop the whimper that rises from her throat because it is everything she wants to hear, and nothing like it at all.
He must sense her turmoil because he soothes a hand down her back, but continues all the same, his blue eyes steady in their belief. "I know it, you know it, and one day you'll be ready for it."
Robin leans forward to press a kiss into her temple, his warm breath stirring her hair and sending a pulse of heat length-wise down her body. Raven shuts her eyes.
"And when you are, I'll be waiting."
A/N: I have an idea for a sequel to this that has a much happier (and hopefully less clichéd) ending. Anyone interested? R+R, please.