"Hey, Mal, I got a wave- I'm gonna bounce it down to you, okay?" Without waiting for an answer, Wash flicked the appropriate switches and sat back in the pilot's chair. Of course the wave would be displayed onscreen in the bridge too, but that wasn't his fault, was it?
"Captain?" Simon asked, from what looked vaguely like the cockpit of Inara's shuttle. Wash gulped; those bruises and the bloody nose looked very, very wrong on the doctor's face. "We've had a bit of trouble here. I know that this is far ahead of schedule, but could you come pick us up?"
"Where's Inara and River?" Mal snapped, dropping the wrench he was holding and checking his gun.
"They're resting. They were both on the edge of shock, so I gave them smoothers. Unfortunately I didn't think it wise to use one on myself, because I sure as hell need one." Simon wiped his nose on his forearm and blinked in surprise at the bloody streak left behind. "It was our old friends- you know, the... bad guys. The ones that called me a duck, on Ariel. The ones that hurt River."
"Keep talking, son, tell me what happened and we'll be there before you know it. Wash, you hear that? Fire her up, we're going to go get them." Mal pulled a chair closer to the screen. The only way to treat shock long-distance was to keep someone focused... not that there actually was a way to treat shock long-distance.
Wash flicked off the screen and engaged the intercom instead. "Hey Kaylee, fire her up! Inara has had a small problem and we're going to pick her up early. And if possible, we're going to run hot the whole way- think the engine can stand for it?"
"Um... yeah, I think so, Capt'n hasn't asked for any crazy, suicidal maneuvers lately and everything's in good shape." Kaylee's slightly tinny voice came over the speaker. "What's happened to Inara? Are Simon and River okay?"
"We'll see when we get there." Wash muttered, and turned Serenity to the new bearing.
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"Did I tell you about the hamster? I was damn proud of that little girl, you know." Simon said. Mal rolled his eyes. He'd heard about the hamster at least three times in the last ten minutes. "Anyway, the guys with the blue surgical gloves- can't imagine why they were wearing them all the time- they had this tool thingy. It..." he waved his hands vaguely, "telescoped. Grew. And hummed, a lot. Hurt, too. It killed most of Inara's guards. I think it must've been some sort of weird ultrasonic to break, dissolve, or tear up blood vessels. The guards died 'cause they bled out, 'specially into their brain, I think. It was messy." Simon frowned with professional distaste. "They broke into the shuttle- River was screaming, and Inara was trying to calm her down a bit- and I hit the one holding the thingy. The other one hit me back- dunno exactly what he did, but I couldn't move. Then 'nara- Did I tell you about the hamster?"
"Yes, you told me about the hamster. Can you tell me what else happened?" Mal gritted his teeth. He couldn't really blame the doc, but his rambling was very hard to put up with.
"Oh, good, it was a good story. Where was I? Right, 'nara hit the guy over the head with a big stick, and then she did something so I could move again. Then they hit her and dragged her and River away- River was still screaming a lot, not that I blame her- and tried to use the telescope-ish thing on me. That's probably why my nose is bleeding." He wiped his nose again, and stared blankly at the blood on his arm.
"Simon." Mal said. "Keep telling me what happened, son." Hopefully, the kid wouldn't be deranged after all this, but Mal wasn't putting on any bets.
"What happened? Um... I bit the telescopy thing, it was all I could think of to do, and that broke it. The blue-hand guys didn't like that much, I could tell, and they hit me again. I tried to hit them back, but I couldn't see real well and they were too fast. 'nara had a gun- it was pretty. But she couldn't hit the blue-hands, either, so River took the gun from her and shot them both a lot. That didn't kill them either, but it hurt them, so I took a sword that was hanging on the wall and stabbed them through the heart, then chopped off their heads. Then they were dead. Like vampires." Simon grinned proudly, looking exactly like a little boy who'd won a fight at school and not like someone who'd just violently hacked two men apart.
"The 'ficials came and did the 'ficial thing, demanding to know what had happened and all that. I told 'em the blue-hands were crazy people who'd tried to hurt 'nara, and that they had to pay us a lot more or we'd set the Companion Guild on them for 'reckless and negligent conduct leading to the endangerment of the Companion's life and limb' 'cause they hadn't set enough guards and let the crazy people through- statute thirty-six, paragraph four of the Guild law." Simon positively giggled. "After that they were falling all over themselves to give us money, supplies, and whatever we wanted. I had to make them stop giving us stuff and go away."
"Good boy," Mal said in approval. "I always knew you had a decent criminal mind, deep down inside."
"I do?" Simon asked, obviously surprised. "Is that good?"
Wash interrupted with the announcement, "Okay, we're here. We'll dock as soon as port authority gives us clearance... which they're in an awful hurry to do. And they have an official apology for allowing any harm to the Companion Inara Serra and have offered to compensate us for any trouble they've caused?" He blinked. "Did I miss something?"
"Our good doctor has quite rightly informed the miserable vermin of this backberth little rock that according to statute thirty-six, paragraph four of Companion Guild law, they are in for a world of hurt if we decide to inform the Guild of what took place here." Mal casually informed Wash. "I'm sure they'll be willing to... compensate us properly."
"Uh..." Simon said. "I think I've a concussion. Or close enough to count. I don't feel good at all." He had gone slightly green and his eyes were obviously unfocused. "I need med'cal 'tention. Shock and trauma. Lotta trauma."
"We'll make sure that you get patched up properly, kid. Just hang on- We'll send the port authority in ahead, so they can help too, okay?" Mal reassured him.
"I shut the door... locked." Simon muttered. "Can't go to sleep... keep talking. Hydrogen, helium, lithium... No, too regular and easy 'cept the ones that go 'uuu'. Penicillin, Amoxycillin, um... can't remember." He looked worse by the second. There was a pounding at the door; Simon stared blankly in that direction for a second.
"Do you think you can go open the door, Simon?" Mal asked urgently. Simon transferred his blank gaze to the screen, but didn't appear to see it at all. "Come on, kid, I don't know if they can rebreak the door in time."
"Door?" Simon slumped onto the control panel. "Oh, yeah, go get the door." He made a pathetic flopping motion and nearly fell out of the pilot's chair. "Too tired. Come back later, 'kay?"
"Simon!" Mal bellowed, startling even himself. "Pull yourself together! What's the treatment for lead poisoning?"
"Um..." Simon thought for a second. "Don't get shot?"
The door to the shuttle opened as Simon shut his eyes.
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"Well, son, you gave me quite a scare."
"Dad?" Simon muttered. "What happened?" He attempted to sit up and found he couldn't move- there was something holding him down. And sobbing.
"I think maybe you need a minute or two to wake up." The voice, which didn't actually sound all that much like his father, was a lot less friendly and amused than it had been a second ago.
"Wake up- good idea." He muttered. "Why can't I move?"
"I'd imagine it's 'cause your dear sister is sitting on you." The voice was back to sounding happy again- following the mood would probably give Simon a headache. Not that he didn't already have one.
"And crying? Did I get shot again?" But had he ever gotten shot before?
"Not- not quite shot, no." The voice had a complex mix of emotions and undertones that he wanted to sort out, but wouldn't have been capable of at his best. This was certainly not his best.
"Did I fall out of the window again?" Simon asked. Someone snickered loudly nearby, and was smacked for their trouble.
"Can you open your eyes?" River- River!- asked, right next to his ear.
"River! Are you alright?" The jolt of adrenalin the realization brought- River had been in danger again, couldn't the bloody feds leave them alone for a week?- was quickly followed by another as he remembered the men who had been wearing the blue surgical gloves.
"Those men- the feds-" He heaved himself and River up to a half-sitting position (she had the catlike ability to be much heavier than she should, especially when lying on top of people) and finally managed to pry his eyes open, though the light was painfully bright. He squinted into the infirmary. "What's the situation?"
"Relax, doc, the feds are dead and buried and we've been handsomely paid for killing them. Especially you- I figured you ought to get the lion's share, since you were the worst hurt and this was all your idea anyway. And you're the one that killed 'em." Mal answered. There was some grumbling in the background, which another smack promptly quelled.
"What's my prognosis?" Simon asked, shifting River (who was clinging to him like a limpet, but no longer crying) so her weight wasn't resting on his numb legs. "I'm pretty sure I had a concussion or something similar caused by that ultrasonic device the feds had and exacerbated when they punched me."
"Aw, he's fine, he's using all those big words again." Jayne was smacked again by Zoe. "Ow!"
"Prognosis?" Mal half-asked, half-stated. "Well, the other docs said that you'd be fine, so long as you were coherent when you woke up and stayed in bed for a week or so. You're coherent, aren't you?"
"Marginally." He sighed. "Is everyone else alright? Inara?"
"Just a bruise." She assured him, patting his arm. "Thank you- I don't know what would have happened if you had left River with me."
"No problem... where's Kaylee?" He sat up straighter and looked around hopefully as the rest of the crew exchanged looks over his head.
"I chased her off to the engine room- I don't pay her to stand around and stare at stupid people." Mal said, attempting and failing to be casual.
"No, that's just another of the myriad job benefits provided by working for you- River, would you mind carrying a message for me? If the captain chased Kaylee off, she'll probably want to know I'm okay."
River giggled and climbed off of Simon, pausing only to scold Jayne, "Leave my big brother alone or I'll kill you!" before scurrying away down the passage.
Simon frowned after her for a minute, but then shook his head- slowly and gingerly- and looked at Mal again. "This was all my idea? I'm afraid I don't understand."
Mal grinned. "Well, doc, didn't I always tell you you had a proper criminal mind? You- while concussed or something and having just hacked apart two very scary feds- coolly made up something about Companion's Guild law that said the government of the backwater little planet had to pay us off or we'd make sure the Guild would never allow any Companions to set foot there again, and would possibly take the complaint to the Alliance to have military sanctions imposed. That had two very handy effects- one, they bribed us and two, they won't report this to the Alliance unless the Alliance asks first. You sold it to 'em- maybe we ought to make sure you're concussed whenever we need a plan or an actor?"
"I'd really very much prefer that you didn't. Concussions are uncomfortable." Simon muttered, and began washing his face with the soap, water, and towel laid out on the bedside table. Mal opened his mouth to say something snarky back, but Zoe poked him, hard, and began herding everyone out of the infirmary as Kaylee ran down the passage with River meandering behind her.
"Bye-bye, hands-of-blue!" She giggled. "Brother won fair and square- checkmate!" She danced a few steps and waved happily at the crew who were standing by and looking slightly nervous. "Brother's a hero!"
"Why don't we leave your brother and Kaylee alone for a while... I'm sure they have a lot to talk about." Inara commented, putting a hand on River's shoulder to steer her gently away.
"Not talk. Hug and kiss and..." River blinked innocently at the infirmary door, which Kaylee had firmly closed behind her. "Sex isn't out of the bed like doctor's orders. Kaylee's happy; Simon can't keep running. Also still out of it a little. Lowered inhibitions."
She grinned and danced away, leaving the crew faintly uncomfortable (with the exception of Jayne, who just looked disappointed that he wasn't getting any).
"And on that note, I'm sure you all have things to do, so go do 'em." Mal ordered. The crew dispersed and Mal settled into a chair in the lounge to wait. He'd have to make sure the kid was still okay after Kaylee was done with him.