Descent into Madness
I was six when I started at the academy. I was hopeful, hopeful at the prospect of friendship. I had been so alone. Sure I had my family. They were always there, but they didn't care about me. They just cared about my talent. They saw me as nothing more than something to bring them honor. At the academy, I thought, I would meet people my age that would see me for who I was. That turned out to be a fantasy. No one saw me. They saw the boy that every Uchiha was talking about. No one talked to me. They were all too intimidated. That intimidation soon turned to hatred as I easily surpassed them all. I only spent one year in the academy but that year was the longest in my life.
I used to try to sit with the other students at lunch but it was futile. I would sit down at a table and within five seconds everyone had moved to another table. They didn't even try to hide the reason they left. Every time I was asked to give an answer in class or demonstrate a technique it was there, the cold stare. Sure the teachers praised me but that just made it worse. The hatred in there eyes was unbearable. No one could see my pain. I grew to enjoy one upping my peers. It was fun to see them get frustrated. They weren't even close to my intelligence or skill and I knew it. It felt good to hurt their pride. They hurt me so why shouldn't I reciprocate, but in the long run I just made it worse for myself. I was tired of trying to make friends so I pushed them away with everything I had. It was easier if I felt I had control over the matter.
I never did find a friend that year like I had originally hoped. I was the only one from my class to graduate, but that was no surprise to anyone. I had become a genin and was put on a team with two others nearly twice my age. I didn't even hope for a friendship to come out of this arrangement. There was no way a twelve year old would befriend me especially when I was more skilled. I was right but now looking back on things I could have tried a little harder myself. It didn't much mater though because genin was only a transient state. I ascended through the ranks at a blinding speed.
Somewhere along the lines I did gain something that others would call a friendship, Uchiha Shisui. He was the one person that I felt comfortable in the slightest to be around. I wanted to be his friend, but it never happened. Friendship was just not in the cards. My skill and personality sculpted in large by my experiences made it almost impossible to "make friends" with anyone. My nature is to push people away. I wanted to be his friend but I didn't know how. I ended up making a mess of things. One day it was too much I was depressed and furious and it had gone on too long. I killed him. Just like that and it was done. I killed Uchiha Shisui. I hated him for not excepting me even though subconsciously I knew it was my fault. When I killed him something inside me changed. I'd killed many people before. Why should he be any different, but he was. I loved him. I loved that he had shown me care. I loved that he had seen me as me, and I hated him for not giving me more, for not befriending me. He was much different.
I became colder than ever. Instead of the pain lessening after I killed him it increased 10 fold, no 100 fold, I can't tell. It was too much. I suppressed all feeling. What good was it anyway? All it had ever given me was pain.
The police came to accuse me of Uchiha Shisui's murder. With the evidence they had it would be hard to think otherwise. What was I thinking? I got carried away in anger and forgot to think clearly.
I killed them. Every last Uchiha. I hated them for what they had done to me. I killed them all, all but my little brother Sasuke. I left him just to have someone to watch suffer. I had seen what it was like to kill a "friend" It had an empty feeling. If there was someone alive to hold the pain and suffering I could be free of it. It worked. As well as one could expect I suppose.
What now, the Akatsuki? I just do it for something to occupy my time and give me some mild enjoyment. I don't know if anything can help me now. I'm reflecting though and maybe that's the start. Do I want to change? I don't know. For now this is me.