A/N: So I've been thinking for a really long time that if Loki and Alucard knew each other, they would be good friends, and it would be either the most awesome or the most terrifying thing ever. Possibly both. But anyway, I've written two drabbles based on this headcanon. If I write more, I will update this, but for now, consider it complete.

"So tell me…" Jane inched the plate covered in a suspicious green and black substance away with her fork. Then she looked at her fiancee and their host. "How did you two become friends again?"

Their host was a tall man in a black suit jacket with a red button up shirt underneath. Round black sunglasses covered his eyes from view, but at times they were transparent, and Jane could catch blood red hues staring wildly in all directions. Worse yet was the man's toothy grin that never faded. She had heard about vampires having long fangs for biting necks with, but this guy had taken that to a logical extreme. Every one of his teeth looked razor sharp, like they could rip through metal.

Perhaps the most disconcerting thing about the man was simply the atmosphere that surrounded him. When she'd first met Loki, she had found him intimidating like a vicious predator. This man was a thousand times worse. Every time he looked her way, it was like a huge target had been drawn on her forehead. She could have already died and gone to hell for all she knew. It didn't help that the shadows on the wall literally moved on their own and occasionally grew eyes and teeth. Loki could tell her all he wanted that it was just a parlor trick and his friend wouldn't really hurt her. He said a lot of things that were untrue, so why the hell should she start believing him now just because she was going to marry him? What difference did that make?

"It's a very interesting story," said the vampire, his ever present grin growing wider. His mouth was wide enough to devour her whole head in one bite.

"You tell it far better than I do, old friend," said Loki. He was unperturbed when one of the shadows took the form of a hellish dog and snapped it's jaw at his fingers. He threw it a scrap of meat and went on with his meal.

"But shall I remind you who is the storyteller among us?" Alucard asked.

Loki turned up his nose, but there was a playfulness to the gesture that made it lose its potency.

"That is a secret that remains in this room." He dabbed the napkin over his mouth when he finished eating, and then vanished his empty plate to make room for dessert.

"Ms. Foster."

Jane jumped at having been addressed. It was the first time Alucard had spoken to her since they first arrived, and Loki introduced them. She'd gotten a good look at his long, snake like tongue as he'd lowered his face to kiss her hand, and that was the kind of image that stayed with you and forever tainted your view of everything and everyone involved.

"Uh… yes?"

Alucard brought his gloved hands together.

"You haven't even touched your meal. Are you unsatisfied with it?"

Jane glanced at the plate again. Whatever was on it appeared to be moving.

"Um… no. I mean, I'm not unsatisfied, but I had a big breakfast, so…"

His chuckle was low and visceral and sent unpleasant waves through Jane's body.

"You have no need to fear me, Ms. Foster. I would never dream of harming to my dear friend's lady, and may I just say, I am pleased to find that this vagabond has finally been tied down. You must be quite the extraordinary woman to have tamed not only a god, but a god of Mischief. I am very impressed indeed. Now tell me, are you a virgin?"

Jane squeaked at the question. They'd been doing fine up until that point. She was even beginning to like listening to him. If there was any quality Alucard possessed that didn't make her fear for her life, it was the deep, sensual quality of his voice. Except for when he asked a question like that.

The burden of answering, in the end, fell to Loki. Jane felt him stiffen beside her, could make out the darkness of his aura even the overwhelming force of Alucard's, and that was saying something. Loki placed his hand on top of hers, an act that felt to Jane as claiming as if he'd pulled her onto the table and mounted her right there.

"I'm sorry to say that you cannot expect to include my wife-to-be among your ranks, my friend. The two of us have had our way with each other many times since our courtship began. I would like for such an arrangement to continue, and to not see my Jane devest of her higher brain functions. She has a truly excellent mind after all."

Alucard closed his mouth, which was only slightly the relief Jane had hoped it would be (or perhaps she's too busy glaring at Loki, red in the face). He raised a hand to placate Loki.

"Just a joke, my friend. I wouldn't dream of taking her from you."

The visit ended after a time, and Alucard saw the two of them off into the streets of London before melting into the shadows and taking off, like he had never been there at all. Cool, fresh air and wide open spaces welcomed Jane like an old friend. She vowed never to leave it behind again.

"Seriously, how did you meet that guy?" she asked him while they stood by the curb, awaiting a cab.

"It's a long and detailed story, but the short version is that I met him several hundred years ago following a rather embarrassing incident involving a mortal man's wife. It had led to his enslavement to the family of a scientist. Van Helsing I believe he was called. At the time, I'd gotten bored with Asgard, so I came to live on Midgard for a while under an assumed identity. We got to talking after he deduced my true nature, and I agreed to write an account of his life with a revised ending. He was just so humiliated to be rendered a simple servant when he had once been a king. Death was preferable in his point of view, though sufficed to say, he has changed his mind over the years. As a matter of fact, I think he's very happy with his Master today. Regardless, I wrote his fictionalized biography and had it published under my pseudonym. I had no idea it would become a worldwide phenomenon copied by countless other vampire based stories over the years. Who would have thought?"

Loki shrugged like it was no big deal, ignoring the way Jane gaped at him like a fish before a lure.

"Wait… are you trying to tell me that he was…"

She couldn't say it, but Loki's smirk was answer enough on it's own.

"And you were…"

Again, the smirk.

Jane leaned against a lamp post, quite suddenly dead on her feet.

"Next you're gonna tell me you were roommates once with Wolfman," she mumbled.

"Oh, Lawrence? Yes, he's a remarkable fellow. Wonderful dancer."

A/N: For the record, Loki's just kidding about how they met.

Probably.