It was the most innovative business idea that could ever be fathomed.
Paul Swanson had confronted one of life's most troubling conflicts: How can I stay clean while creating music? And that was all it took. This was the creative spark that started it all.
It was a bathhouse. The band room had become the largest bathing area in the city followed by the smaller, more intimate soak stations in each practice room. But there was something that the public didn't know about this bathhouse. Something that happens under the cover of night, and that is where our story begins.
"But mom!" Kendall Chihiro cried, "I don't want to go to Florida this summer! I want to stay here!" Karen quieted her down by shoving her head into the dirt and assured her that she would make new friends.
"You can hang out with Wanice829760 while we're there. You will be fine."
Before departing, the Chihiros had to make a quick stop at Chanhassen High School to pick up some hand sanitizer Kendall had left in the theatre. Upon arriving, the glorious and enticing scent of BBQ filled their noses.
"I wonder if the staff is holding a cookout!" Exclaimed Karen. "Let's go check it out!" So they made their way down to the stadium—Kendall clinging to her mother's leg in fear. It was starting to get dark.
When they arrived, it appeared to be an abandoned feast. Colonel Bogey playing softly from a nearby boombox, being manned by Zach Boyum provided a lethargic and generally terrible atmosphere. They located the food—catering from Dickey's Barbecue pit—and began to dig in.
Kendall searched for the vegetarian options. Nothing. She noted to write a strongly worded letter to Dickey.
"Please, Mother, Father, let's get out of here." She was frightened. Something was not right. Suddenly, it was dark. She felt a presence beside her. "MOM!" Kendall screamed, like little orphan Annie. Turning around what she saw was not her parents.
Instead, two massive suspended cymbals were at the table.
In shock, she ran frantically toward the school, squealing in terror. Suddenly, a hand pulled her into a nearby bush.
It was a young boy around Kendall's age. "Listen to me, Kendall."
"How do you know me?" She screamed.
"I've known you since you were very small." The boy said strangely.
"You know my name not my story." Kendall proceeded to blog about this.
The boy looked very serious. "Listen to me. You are not safe here. Follow these instructions. You are to come with me into the bathhouse-but to keep you hidden will be difficult. In order to cross the bridge, you must keep breathing at all times. In-sip-sip, out-push-push. 5-15-5. You may stretch while doing this. Kapeesh?" Kendall nodded. The boy took her hand and started calmly across the bridge. Only just now did it occur to her that there was not a bridge into the school before. She repeated the pattern over and over again. In her head she imagined two old men in matching shirts in front of her, their stomachs peeking out at her at every stretch. In-sip-sip, out-push-push. Then, there were creatures. Everywhere. Each was a human/instrument hybrid, unlike anything she had seen before. Caught up in the awe of her surroundings, she forgot about the instructions she was given just minutes earlier. In-push-push, out-sip-sip! Instantly all of the spirits noticed her. "A human!"
Their marching formation fell apart. Surely Swanson had not given them enough sugar cubes. The once perfectly unified rendition of Soul Finger was now cacophony.
"Here comes the flop over!" The boy yelled and they quickly escaped, disappearing into the shadows. Once they had found cover, Kendall was a terrified wreck.
"Who are you?" She finally said
"My name is Band. Kendall, listen. You must do as I say if you want to save your parents. Go ask for a job from Swearingen, the boiler man. Follow the back hall down to the boiler room to find him, No matter what he says, you must get a job, or else Swanson will turn you into a suspended cymbal just like your parents. I have to go now. Good luck, Kendall."
He vanished. Kendall was overwhelmed. Could she handel this?
There was no choice. The halls were filled with spirits searching for her. Quietly, she snuck into the hallway by the bathhouse's bakery, "Paul's Pastries", carefully avoiding the staff. She looked at their menu on her way. Suspended Cymbal Roll, Timpani Roll… she was hungry. Finally, she entered the boiler room on the lowest floor. An extremely skinny man was on the job. This is so steampunk, she thought, while approaching the man.
"I NEED A JOB MR. BOILER MAN PLEASE!" She exclaimed in a piercingly irritating voice.
"Oh please, Mr. Boiler Man is my father. You can call me Al."
Swearingen, being the kind individual he is, said, "Paul will give you a job. NATALIE!"
A woman entered through a small door.
"Yes?"
"Take this girl to Swanson."
"Sure. Lets go."
Kendall followed obediently behind the woman, who took her back inside the bathhouse. None of the spirits seemed to acknowledge her human stench. Perhaps it was the overpowering radish stew for lunch. They did not speak on the way to the elevator.
"Natalie?" A voice emerged from behind them.
"Oh, hello Pat." She responded, shoving Kendall behind her back.
"Are you hiding something?" He sniffed her. "Human! Here comes the flop over! Tell me what you know!"
Next thing she knew, Kendall was smashed in the elevator with a large, smelly creature that was humming Colonel Bogey.
"What's that song called?" She asked.
"Colonel Bogey."
"More like Colonel Butthole." Kendall mumbled. With his large, radishy body smashed in her face, it was hard to be optimistic. However, she took the time to note that he looked great in that hat he was wearing.
Kendall reached her floor quickly. The room seemed empty and void.
Out of nowhere, she was seized by the power of music and was dragged through winding corridors, then dropped on her face in a small room. She stood and looked around. There was literally shit everywhere. Instinctively, she began to clean up—starting with the trombone in the middle of the room. All of a sudden, Kendall was slammed against the wall, held b y the booming power of some rad bass.
"DON'T TOUCH MY SON'S TROMBONE!" a beast hollered from the darkness.
The sound ended and she fell to the ground. "Who… was that? Are you Swanson? I need a job please!" she begged, sounding small.
The man emerged from the shadows. He towered over her menacingly. He had to be careful, for his nose was so long. Like the spirits, he was part instrument too. A large, misshapen clarinet protruded where his nose would be and a reedy sound could be heard every time he took a breath.
However, Paul Swanson was not careful and was so close that the bell of his nose fit over Kendall's head. When he spoke, it rattled her bones.
Three bouncing bearded heads appeared and danced around her.
All of a sudden, a large foot came protruding from the instrument storage room, along with explosive wailing.
"Oh, baby Walker! What's wrong?" Mr. Swanson comforted the foot, kissing the big toe. Then, there was a leg. And torso! And head! And also two arms too.
"This is my son, Walker." The baby was the size of twelve bass drums.
"Listen please." He clapped twice. All was silent except for the three bearded heads that kept hopping around Kendall. The other two quieted down while the blonde head kept playing sacksaphone even though there was no physically possible way that a head could play an instrument, yet the noise emitted from his mouth.
"Fine. You can have a job. Why did I decide to run a bathhouse and become a music teacher I don't like either of those things. I don't know why I call you four and Natalie the Jazz All Stars, you suck."
He paused a minute to take a sip of Diet Coke. He knew he was forgetting someone, but was unable to figure out who the 6th member of the Jazz All Stars was.
"Your first task as my student aide is as follows: move the marimba from the band room to the theatre, take the piccolo snare and the good tambourine to my office, then find the cuica I don't know where it went. Also there is spirit named Raisa who keeps asking me about a samba whistle can you tell her to leave me alone. I'm a little embarrassed but can you make some copies of this picture of me I'm going to start modeling and I need them for my portfolio." As Kendall looked at him, she was certain he could make it on America's Next Top Model. He had a delightful figure and fantastic blood pressure. "Natalie can help you here's the keys." Kendall was confused by his grammar and strange dialect. Was he from Bemidji?
She farted. Paul behind her was shocked and said, "You don't fart when you have company over."
Ignoring this, Kendall left to begin her work.
As they were moving the drum set into the band room, literally the opposite of what Paul wanted, there was a slamming on the side door leading outside.
"Don't answer that" Paul snapped from his office.
Ignoring this again, Kendall went to open the door armed with a cactus.
It was a spirit unlike the others. He was not an instrument at all. He had the color scheme of Baron Von Goolo. "Who are you?" she said, holding her cactus defensively. All he said was three first names so Kendall decided to not call him anything. This made No Name uncomfortable and shy. He did not speak again.
"I'll leave the door open for you if you want to come inside." Kendall offered.
Natalie entered dramatically. "We've got a big one!" She screamed. "You're going to need energy for this one, have some Greek yogurt. I used be into Yoplait, but now everything's about Greek." Natalie said a silent prayer for Bella Swan.
From the hall someone bellowed, "I'm an ogre!"
Natalie immediately said, "He's a stink spirit. He will need our best herbal formula! Here are the tags, go down to the big bath and start filling it!"
Kendall felt important for the first time in her life. A single tear fell down her cheek and into her yogurt. Just the right amount of salt.
The bouncing head with a trailing beard trailing behind it interjected, "You need your salts!"
Kendall ran down to the main bath area with vigor. "Gotta go fast!"
The biggest bath was in the orchestra room, since the orchestra moved to Red Wing, Minnesota. When she arrived, she could not believe her eyes. The largest and most terrifying spirit was idly sitting in a chair reading the latest edition of The Storm Siren.
"Why don't they sing SHREK in DISNEY OPERA?" He was outraged.
Ignoring this, Kendall filled the bath with like twenty tags of their best herbal formula. A spirit rushed into the room screaming "OH NO! THAT'S OUR BEST HERBAL FORMULA!" Kendall glanced at the spirit thinking that it must be Raisa and ignored her.
Shrek, still outraged over the lack of Shrek, dipped his little toe into the tub. "THAT REALLY IS YOUR BEST HERBAL FORMULA!" He exclaimed, willfully falling into the tub. "Clean each of my layers thoroughly!"
Kendall asked if he was interested in some jazz for his bathing experience. "NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of a burden!" A nearby group of male cats purred sadly and retreated into the ensemble room.
Shrek seemed very tense. Was he okay? Kendall looked closer, and noticed something sticking out of his shoulder. "Natalie! Come here!"
"I'm coming!"
"Phrasing!"
She approached the bath. "What's wrong?"
"I think there's something stuck in his shoulder!" Kendall looked closer. It was a baton! The handel was protruding from the back of his neck, and Shrek wailed in agony each time he moved. "We need to get it out! Here comes the flop over!" She screamed over the crashing sound of the overflowing bath.
Suddenly Swanson descended from the top floor and hovered above Kendall. "Shhhhhhhhhh… Listen please" He gained the attention of the entire bathhouse. "Kendall. You must treat this customer well. This all depends on you." This was her ultimate test.
Grabbing a nearby bass, she removed the strings and tied a knot around the base of the baton.
"PULL!"
The entire staff of scholars joined in the attempt to remove the baton. The spirit known as Raisa did not help. She was still looking for the samba whistle.
After several heaves, they successfully yanked it out. But it was not just a baton. Instruments began piling out of Shrek's body, pouring out into the bathhouse. Thankfully, Kendall found the cuica.
The Radish Spirit lifted his arms joyously and signaled the start of the Kirkpatrick FanFare. Raisa loudly played the samba whistle she found inside Shrek. It was a celebration for all. Danny boy was even there.
Paul's phone rang. Ignoring this, he proceeded to leave because we can't remember what Yubaba does after this.
Everyone went to bed.
Meanwhile, Raisa who—in her excitement of finding the samba whistle—wandered the halls. She dropped it, and frantically spun around looking for it. On the fourth spin she saw No Name and stopped in her tracks. "Hey you can't be down here!" She said in a voice that resembled a whiney frog.
Afraid of her, No Name held out the hand holding the samba whistle. When Raisa got closer, No Name swallowed her whole. With Raisa's confidence now a part of him he could effectively terrorize the rest of the bathhouse.
Meanwhile, Kendall woke up later than everyone else. In the distance she could hear Soul Finger. Looking out the window she thought about her parents. She wondered many things. She wondered if her parents were happier being cymbals, if they had no cares in the world other than being rolled on once in awhile. If she had become a cymbal, would she be a finger cymbal? As she was pondering this, a flying creature flashed before her eyes. What was it?! It came back, and only then did she notice it was a flying hammerhead shark. Flying sharps followed him, cutting away at his shark body. Kendall, in order the advance the plot, knew this was Band.
She stopped by Paul's Pastries. She worried about Band, who helped her get into the bathhouse. Maybe she should thank him with the gift of delicious percussive pastries.
A mass of spirits knocked her over. She mourned the loss of the suspended cymbal roll meant for Band.
Natalie appeared and lifted her up, "There's a spirit handing out samba whistles!" She said, bringing her to the edge of a parade in the hall.
At the front was No Name. Once he saw Kendall he rushed forward. The once perfectly unified rendition of Soul Finger was now cacophony. In his hands he held a hundred samba whistles, some of them falling on the ground. Spirits reached for the whistles, eager to have one for themselves. Kendall was upset about Band. She turned away from No Name and the parade.
No Name realized Kendall did not want anything to do with his whistles. Angered by her refusal, he began eating the spirits in a fit of rage.
Kendall did not see the Band she was looking for at all. Where could he be?
The quickest way out of the parade was through Paul Swanson's office.
It was bigger than she could have imagined, where there was once a trombone and a pile of shit there was now straws everywhere. All of a sudden she heard footsteps coming down the hallway. No! It was Paul! While Jesus Wept, she leapt into the pile of straws where a baby slept. Peeking from her hiding spot, she noticed Band, in his hammerhead body hanging from the wahl by one of his protruding eyeballs. Ignoring Band, Paul Swanson noticed Kendall amidst the straws. "Can I use my computer any time today"
"No"
"Ok."
Walker, the massive baby, began to scream. "Ohhh, baby! Did I wake you?" Paul comforted him. "Here, let me give you a kiss!" He leaned down into the pile of straws and planted a big sloppy one right on his forehead. "Back to sleep now!" Somehow forgetting that Kendall was in the room, Paul Swanson left. Kendall began to emerge. However, she could not! Walker's large hand wrapped around her tiny wrist and held her in place. "I'm in a really big hurry! Can you please let me go?"
"Stay here and play jazz with me!" He pleaded desperately. "If you leave I'll cry, and big daddy will hear you and he'll come in here and kill you!"
Kendall reached up and grabbed a nearby bell set from Swanson's desk and played a F dim maj 7 chord. Walker covered his ears and shrieked in agony! "My ears! My precious eardrums!"
She ran out of the office and saw Band lying on the floor bleeding out through each lesion of his shark body. Only then did she notice the three bearded bouncing heads nudging his body closer and closer to the orchestra pit! He would surely fall to his death!
At that moment, Walker stomped into the theater, which they were now in. "I'm not afraid of dissonance anymore. Play all the Bartók you want. If you don't read this chart with me I'll cry!"
Then, one of the sharps that had been attacking Band flew out from behind Kendall. It had been hiding on her shirt! It began to transform... Into Paul Swanson!
"What a big baby! You're a bit of a porker aren't you?" With the flick of a finger, Walker was transformed into a back scratcher/ shoe horn. The bouncing heads stacked on top of one another and morphed into the body of Walker, the giant baby.
Kendall knew there was something wrong about Paul Swanson. "Who are you" She asked hesitantly.
"I am Swaul Paunson, Paul Swanson's twin brother. Thank you for leading me to this thief. He stole my solid gold metronome! It's magic, never loses time and I want it back!"
Band arose from his unconscious state and slashed Swaul's spirit in half. "Ooh, a paper cut!" He disappeared. Band and Kendall both slipped and fell into the orchestra pit. They fell at ludicrous speeds, smashing through microphone cables, music stands and layers of auxiliary percussion all the way into the boiler room below, right on top of Swearingen.
"Band! What's wrong with you!"
"It appears he is bleeding from the inside." Swearingen answered.
"Here! Eat this! I found it Shrek's colon!" It was a nasty looking thing, might have been a kidney stone, she really didn't know. She shoved it down his throat. He thrashed around, whipping his shark body in all directions. Something ejected from his mouth.
Kendall took a closer look. It was the gold metronome!
Band transformed back into his normal form. He was unconscious. "I have to bring this metronome back to Swaul Paunson! Can you tell me where he lives?" She asked Swearingen, all knowing creature.
"The train stop you want is called Harlem. That's where Swaul lives. Take the A train, Kendall."
Natalie barged into the boiler room."Swanson is furious. The bathhouse is a disaster! No Name is swallowing everyone! And YOU let him inside!"
Kendall knew this was something she must handel. She made her way upstairs to the orchestra room, where she found Swanson. He shoved her inside.
"Here's the girl!"
No Name did not look the same. He was large and bulgy, much like the Radish Spirit, but with less grace and finesse. He spoke for the first time, but it was Raisa's voice. "What would you like, Kendall? I'm not giving my samba whistles to anyone else!"
"I wish to leave, sir."
"YOU ARE TEARING ME APART KENDALL! TAKE MY SAMBA WHISTLES! TAKE THEM!"
Kendall took the remaining half of the rock she found in Shrek's colon and held it out to him. "I was saving this for my parents, but I think you should have it." She tossed it into his mouth.
Immediately, he began vomiting everywhere! "What have you done to me?!" He yelled, and pounced in her direction. Kendall quickly darted out of the orchestra room and down the hall towards the doors. No Name scrambled after her, puking up all the spirits he had swallowed earlier. "Now that's an esophagus!" One survivor commented.
Meanwhile, Band was still unconscious in the boiler room with Swearingen.
No Name was so sick that the chase slowed to a walk, and Kendall could easily escape. She made her way outside to the back swamp behind the bathhouse, where Natalie waited atop a small raft. "Kendall! Hurry up!" She hollered.
They started across the water. Kendall looked back and noticed No Name in his original form, watching them from the bathhouse. "Hey! Over here!"
No Name fell into the water and swam to them. On the way, he spit out Raisa, who was the only one left in his digestive system. Natalie dropped Kendall off at the train station and left. In no time, the A train arrived, powering through the swamp.
"We'd like to go to Harlem, please." Kendall said to the conductor, giving him the tickets from Swearingen. He quickly punched the tickets and got back to his orchestra. As they boarded, No Name and Kendall looked around. There were a few passengers, mostly biology students going on nature walks. They took their seats, back scratcher/ shoe horn in hand, and let the jazz take them away.
Back at the boiler room, Band woke up, feeling better than ever. "Swearingen, what happened? Where is Kendall?"
"True love, Band. She went to return the gold metronome for you."
Meanwhile, Swanson was still furious. Sitting by the fire in his office in his favorite robe and slippers, he yelled at Raisa (who had found her way back from the swamp) "This is all Kendall's fault! No Name has done more damage to the bathhouse than we can pay for even with all these samba whistles. She must be punished!" Walker, the big baby, feasted in the corner.
Suddenly he heard a knock on his door.
"Come in."
It was Band. Swanson had thought he was dead! "What do you want?!" He hollered.
"You still haven't noticed that something very important to you has been replaced."
Swanson looked around. His samba whistles? No, they were still samba whistles. His clarinet? No, it was still attached to his face. Could it be his cats? Surely not, they had not yet made an appearance in this story. Only then did he consider Walker, eating loudly in the corner. He took his baton from his shoulder and with one flick, the giant baby morphed back into the three bearded bouncing heads, who escaped because they probably had to get to a gig or something.
"MY BABY!" He cried. Then, his samba whistles turned into a pile of straws in front of his eyes! "NO! NO!"
Raisa was pissed. Like you can't even imagine. Where was she going to find another before the concert?
"SWEETY! SWEETY PIE! COME OUT!" Swanson was searching desperately everywhere for his son. He whipped around to see Band. "YOU."
Fire began pouring from his mouth and the bell of his clarinet nose, and his award winning beard grew and enveloped Band inside of it. "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY BABY?" His eyes looked like timpanis.
Ignoring this, Band responded, "He's with your brother."
"Swaul?" The fire calmed and his beard retracted.
"You can only have your son back if you turn Kendall's parents back into humans, and release them into the human world."
"Fine. But only if I can give Kendall one final audition. If she fails, she is mine."
Meanwhile, the A train was just arriving in Harlem. Kendall and No Name walked down the streets, avoiding the Italian Mafia. They found their way to a house on the outskirts of the city, and in order to advance the plot, they knew it was Swaul's home. The door opened itself.
"Come inside." A friendly voice invited.
They entered. She recognized the music that was playing from when Band was giving her breathing instructions before going on the bridge.
"Sit down. Would you like a Capri Sun?" Swaul offered.
Ignoring this, Kendall ran up to Swaul. "Excuse me, Band stole this from you and I wanted to return it for him." She held out the gold metronome.
"Do you have any idea what this is?"
"No?" Kendall didn't really use metronomes, and it showed in her rhythmic inaccuracy.
Swaul sat down at the table with Kendall and No Name, getting some good use out of the back scratcher. "I don't get along with my brother, he is so tacky." He said. "Sorry he turned your parents into suspended cymbals. You will have to help them and Band on your own. Use what you remember about them. Also, call me pop pop from now on."
Ignoring this, Kendall still called him Swaul. She was crying now. "What if Band is dead and I didn't save him!"
As she said this, there was a knock on the door. "Can you get that? I would but I can't get up" Swaul asked.
Kendall went to answer the door. It was Band! In his beautiful, unscathed hammerhead shark form! She ran to him, hugging each protruding eye.
"Looks like its time for you to go." Swaul handed Kendall the back scratcher. "No Name, can you stay here with me? I could use a student aide." No Name nodded.
"Ok, goodbye Swaul! Thanks for everything!" She mounted Band, and they flew into the skies of Harlem.
As they were flying, Kendall had a vision. Suddenly, everything came back to her. She knew how she had met Band before, and how he had known her since she was small.
"Band, I think I know how to help you. Once when I was little, I dropped a nice wall clock my grandma had given me and I knew it would break when it hit the floor. But something caught it and it fell gracefully to the ground. I think that was you who caught it! And I think your real name is... Alex Wahl!"
Band's shark body disintegrated and scattered into the Harlem sky. He was in his human form.
They fell, hand in hand.
"You did it Kendall! I remember! I was a spirit of time!"
"A time spirit?"
"My name is Alex Wahl!" They flew together joyously back to the bathhouse. A moment so beautiful, you could almost hear Dylan Loomis playing Amazing Grace in the distance.
"There they are!" Screamed Natalie, and all the spirits rejoiced at their return as they descended from the air to the foot of the bridge.
The back scratcher transformed back into the giant baby, Walker. "PAPA!"
"My baby!" Cried Swanson.
"Don't forget your promise." Alex Wahl reminded him. "You must return Kendall and her parents to the human world."
But Swanson did not forget the final audition. "Come here, Kendall." Everyone watched as she approached him. There was a flock of suspended cymbals behind him.
"Listen please. Kendall, in order to leave, you must tell me which one of these cymbals is your parents."
She looked over them carefully. There were all identical. Zildjian A 14" Classic Orchestral Selection Suspended Cymbals. But somehow, she knew. "None of them!"
"Is that your final answer?" Paul Swanson asked. Kendall nodded.
Her contract exploded into thin air, and with that all the spirits cheered.
"Let's go!" Alex Wahl grabbed her hand.
"Goodbye everyone! I'll miss you!" She bid farewell to all of her spirit friends, especially the Radish Spirit. They ran together past the abandoned BBQ to the edge of the parking lot.
"I can't go any further, Kendall. I will see you again sometime, I promise. I will tell Swanson I cannot be his student aide anymore."
"You promise we will see eachother again?"
"I guess."
They parted, and Kendall started across the parking lot, where her parents were waiting.
"Kendall!" Karen yelled. "Where did you run off to? We've been looking forever! Let's go!"
She hugged her mother's leg and they walked back to the car. As they drove off onto Lyman Blvd, Kendall looked back at the school. She would never forget the day she was Wahl'd away.
"I know it might be scary to move to Florida." Her father comforted her.
Kendall took her eyes off of Chanhassen High School.
"I think I can handel it."