Somewhere I Have Never Traveled
based on the poem "somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond" by ee cummings
Death was to be whimsical that day.
The war between the Dark Lord and his followers, and Harry Potter and his friends was in full effect. Countless casualties occurred as each day passed; today would be no different. Dumbledore had mentioned in the Order of the Phoenix meeting two nights prior that Voldemort planned to send his Death Eaters in a full frontal attack on Hogwarts. Each member of the Order was in charge of a certain area of the school; there would be various school staff members and students that would be subsequent followers of these members. The only member who had not been assigned an area was Severus Snape, who was to remain free of a role unless so called upon. His double agent status provided too much danger for him to be like any other Order member.
It had been forty eight long hours since that meeting.
Severus Snape was now alone in his dungeon corridor, sitting at his desk and staring blankly off into space. The Dark Mark on his left forearm seared with a raging fire that burned into the very depths of his soul; he knew that as the burning grew more significant, his date with death grew ever closer. A weight was building up inside of him, festering in his chest, in his heart; he needed closure. It was in dire need of release, and oh, he knew what would be just the cause of his release. But Snape was far too arrogant and prideful to ever subject himself to that release.
So he sat.
And he waited.
Snape was all too aware of the passing of time; he began to count the seconds in his head, and eventually came to the conclusion that three hours had passed and it was now somewhere in the seven hour. He rose from behind his desk and silently made his way to his bedroom.
She was there.
It took everything in his power not to break down.
Instead, he simply huffed at her and cast an Incendio spell on the fireplace. He felt her eyes follow his every step as he began to aimlessly clean up his potion materials; any excuse to not have to look into her eyes, her beautiful, brown eyes that could look into the very depths of his soul and see the pain, the pain of knowing he would die… but even worse, knowing that he would no longer be there to protect her.
"You didn't think I would come."
He froze while putting away his vials. Her eyes were burning holes into his back, and her voice was filled with such powerful emotion, that he could almost feel the tears dripping from her words. He regained his composure and placed the vials in his storage unit, then mustered up enough courage to face her. To no avail, there she was, sitting on his bed, in her Gryffindor colored robes, her incorrigible hair strewn across her tear streaked face.
He didn't know what to do; so he did all he could do, and stood there, silent.
She sniffed and wiped her cheeks. "I'm right; you didn't think I would come, and I know you wouldn't come to me." She flipped her hair out of her face, but that was to no avail, for it fell right back into its original place. "You, Professor Severus Snape, are being a coward. You are more than willing to give up your life to help save the Wizarding world… more than willing to stand in the face of the Dark Lord… but you are not willing to say goodbye to the woman who loves you more than anything in this world…"
She stood. He had always hated and loved that about her – her undeniable courage, the courage to take action when others wouldn't. She was an insufferable twit who would stop at nothing to achieve what she wanted. This was just one of the few instances where Snape wished she would not be so persistent with her desires, and just get the fuck out of his office. He could not face her; he could not let her see him break down –
– But it was too late. She was already standing in front of him, her brown eyes enveloping him and swallowing him whole. She did not touch him, but stood there so firmly and boldly that he was almost drawn to reach out and hold her.
"…Why are you so afraid to show me you love me?"
That hit home. Snape drew in breath and groaned. He could take this no longer. "Miss Granger," he managed to say with a sneer, "I am not afraid. In fact, I can easily say that I have shown you in many past circumstances how I feel about you. But I did have quite a lot of business to attend to tonight – "
"That, excuse my language… is bullshit. You have been sitting in your office for the past few hours, doing nothing but staring off into space. I know you better than that."
Damn.
Hermione put her hands on her hips. "You know what? I honestly believed that you would be better than this. When I first began as your teaching assistant, I never thought I would fall in love with you. And when I did, I was afraid that you would be nothing more than the greasy git who taught me for the past several years. But over time, you won over my heart & showed me a deeper side to you. And as the war began to take place, I thought you and I would at least spend these last few moments – precious moments – together, but no, you've been avoiding me… and I will tell this to you now, Severus… that hurt." She paused to sniff, and then continued. "I don't know why you're doing it; why you're so afraid of me. But if you didn't want me to be around, you could have just…"
He would not let her finish that sentence.
Snape closed the gap between them and kissed her, fiercely, passionately. Every pain he felt, every ounce of love he felt for her went into that kiss. He grasped her hair tightly and pressed her against the wall, allowing the contours of their bodies to meet. Hermione gasped, not expectant of such an emotionally charged kiss; but she welcomed it, and parted her lips slightly to allow him entry. They kissed until their lips became swollen, and when they finally separated, Snape looked down at her with tear swollen eyes and a full heart.
"Miss Granger," he managed to gasp out, "I have been avoiding you because I cannot stand the thought of saying goodbye."
She slumped in his arms.
Snape quickly picked her up and carried her to the bed, placing her down gently. Tears streamed down her face as she watched Snape climb on top of her, straddling her ever so gently. As he slid off her robe, throwing it to the floor, and kissed her face gently, he continued. "For the past few nights, I have been sitting alone in my office, alone in my bedroom, with two commanding thoughts; the final battle, and you." He gently nuzzled her neck with his nose as he began to unbutton her shirt. "I am not a man who is experienced in the field of love – you are the only love I have ever known. And now, fate is staring me down in the face, and I am awaiting death… and Miss Granger, I don't know… know how to let go."
He looked down at her now naked body, illuminated by the fire. Tears continued to roll down her cheeks, down her chin, onto her collarbone. She quivered as she reached out to stroke his face. "But why?" she was sobbing by now. "Why do you think you need to let go?" Hermione pulled Snape's face down to kiss her, and he too, was naked in a moment's time. The kiss was broken long enough for her to whisper softly in his ear, "Don't let it go… just… let us be."
And they kissed.
Snape made love to her that night, sweetly and slowly. Every aching minute that passed was spent with the two of them intertwined with each other, embellished in a mixture of sweat, tears, and passion. They both knew that this moment was fleeting, and in a mere few hours they would be in the final battle, face-to-face with death. But at that moment, they were at peace, and Severus Snape found his heart's closure; to spend his last few hours with the one woman, the one person who could release his heart's pain. He did not walk away from this moment; he simply let it be.