Title: Remembrance
Fandom: O.C.
Genre: Angst/drama/family
Rating: PGish
Summary: Ryan receives a package and encounters unexpected feelings.
Words: 2,400
"Look," Seth said as he entered the kitchen and cut off whatever conversation his parent's were having. His news was more important. "I know you guys have had a lot to deal with lately, what with the almost imprisonment of Grandpa and the newly discovered sister, but at least one of you needs to do the parenting thing." They stared at him and he added, "Now. Tonight."
"Seth, what on earth are you talking about?" asked Kirsten, clearly trying to ignore the insult to her skills as a mother.
"Have either of you talked to Ryan, today? I'm gonna go ahead and guess 'no'. Wanna know why? Because he's been silent, completely silent since yesterday afternoon. What happened yesterday afternoon, you ask? Well, a package was delivered for him. What was in the package? I have no idea, because he locked himself in the pool house and has built up impressive defenses against knocking. Oh, and he turned off his phone, so no talky that way either."
"Why didn't you tell us this earlier?" Sandy demanded. "I have a key for the pool house, Seth. Something could be really wrong."
"Gee, you think, father dearest?" Seth spat sarcastically. "You two have been absentee parents for long enough. Don't interrupt," he told them as they both started to open their mouths. "Think about the past few months. How much time have you spent with either of us? How many days or weeks has it been since you had a conversation with Ryan? Between work and the new family drama, your old family - being me and Ryan - has been ignored. Now, I can usually cram in enough words that you'll hear one or two a day, but our quiet little Atwood isn't so pushy. Now, I have a feeling I know some of what is wrong with him, but it should really be a parental discussion. So, one or both of you, go. Be parents."
Seth was irritated and disappointed in his parents. He knew that as parents go, they were pretty good most of the time. They tried to be understanding and helpful, but usually knew that kids needed space to deal with some problems on their own. Recently, they had been so wrapped up in other things that they didn't know what was going on in Seth's life, and obviously didn't realize that Ryan was bothered by something. It was the sort of thing that they would have picked up on a year ago.
"Sandy, he's right," Kirsten said with a disgusted look on her face. "I can't remember the last time I had a real talk with Ryan. He hasn't seemed to need anything lately, and I just... basically forgot about him. How awful is that?"
"Shh," Sandy said as he hugged his wife. "We both haven't paid attention like we should. Damn, we know what he's like. Ryan wouldn't just come to us if something was bothering him. Let's go find out and see if we can help."
With the key in his pocket, which he hoped he wouldn't need, Sandy followed Kirsten outside. The door to the pool house was open, but Ryan wasn't inside. Fearing the boy had run away, Sandy called out for him.
"Over here," Ryan replied faintly.
The parents walked around the pool house to find Ryan sitting on rocks at the top of the rise over the beach. Instead of staring out at the ocean, his concentration was on the box in front of him. A trail of smoke was visible and gave away the fact that he was having a cigarette. Sandy glanced at Kirsten and saw that although she noticed the smoke as well, she was not going to say anything when there were more important things obviously going on with her son.
Sandy and Kirsten sat down on either side of Ryan. He had closed the box once they came near enough to see inside. They gave Ryan a few moments to speak first.
"Sorry about the cigarette," he said quietly, but continued to smoke. "I just needed to... needed some help settling my nerves."
"Can we help get you settled?" asked Sandy.
Ryan smiled for a second and nodded, looking out over the ocean. He snubbed the unsmoked portion under the heel of his boot and said, "Those kind of make me nauseous now, anyway."
"Good," Kirsten said as she rubbed a small circle on Ryan's shoulder blade. "Not that I want you sick, but you know how I feel about you smoking."
"Yeah."
"So, you want to tell us what's had you holed up in the pool house for the past day? Or what's in the box? Or why you needed a cigarette?" Sandy asked. Getting straight to the point was usually best with Ryan, otherwise he would take any opportunity to avoid serious conversations.
Ryan swallowed and looked to be thinking hard for a few minutes. Finally, he closed his eyes and nodded, seemingly to himself. He opened the box and let his foster parents look inside.
Sandy heard Kirsten gasp and reach into the box, while his heart beat faster. Out came a tiny outfit, fit for a newborn with turtles and other sea creatures printed on the soft fabric. Still in the box, Sandy could see matching socks and hat.
"Oh, Ryan," Kirsten whispered and put her arms around him. He squeezed his eyes tight at the contact, and held on to one of Kirsten's arms.
They were all quiet for several minutes, Sandy having to contain his many questions. Finally, Ryan let go of Kirsten's arm and she sat up, keeping one arm around his waist. Sandy added his arm around Ryan's shoulders.
"Some friends of ours that used to live in Chino sent it," Ryan began quietly. "They moved away a few years ago, but we met up with them this summer. I guess... I guess we forgot to tell them."
Sandy looked again at the box and saw that it had Ryan's address in Chino printed in large letters with a forwarding sticker over most of the words. He couldn't imagine what Ryan was feeling at the moment, and he felt guilty for essentially glossing over the death of the baby when Ryan returned home. He didn't know how to approach the subject, when he himself felt such a mixture of relief and guilt over the loss. He and Kirsten had been through some tough times, but they had never lost a child. The fact that Ryan's hadn't been born yet didn't make it less of a loss. The possibility of the baby not being Ryan's biological child didn't matter, because he had cared for it the same in all the ways that mattered.
"Today was the due date," Ryan finished softly and carefully refolded everything and returned it to the box.
"Honey, I'm so sorry," Kirsten said, matching his soft tone.
After a few more minutes of silence, Sandy offered, "If there's anything we can do, anything you need... We love you."
Ryan nodded, "Yeah. I just, I don't really know what I need," he confided. "I don't know what to do with this."
"Do you want to keep it?" Kirsten asked gently, no judgment implied.
"I don't know," he whispered then swallowed roughly. "What would I do with it?"
"Whatever you want. You could keep it for future children, or maybe as a memento of this one."
Ryan nodded, but didn't verbalize what he had decided, if anything. He was smoothing the corners of the box, making it perfect.
"I didn't know how to be a dad. Didn't really know how to be what Theresa needed, either. I was scared, more scared than I'd ever been, but I didn't want this. I-I'm glad to be home with you guys, but I didn't want this," he repeated.
Sandy squeezed the arm around the kid's shoulders. "I know, son. No one wanted this. Even as much as Kirsten and I wanted you home, we never would have wanted this. I'm sorry for what you lost. I'm also sorry for not talking to you about it before now."
Ryan shrugged, "I didn't exactly want to talk about it." He shivered and closed his eyes again. "I thought I could just forget about it. I didn't expect..." he trailed off.
"Didn't expect to be sent a box full of reminders?" asked Sandy.
Ryan nodded and added, "I was thinking about it anyway. I knew the date was coming up."
After several more minutes of silence, Kirsten said, "Let's go inside. We can watch movies and have a little slumber party in the living room. Everyone together for the night."
Sandy thought that was probably the last thing that Ryan would want right now. He was surprised when Ryan managed a weak smile and nodded in agreement.
"That sounds good. Can, ah, can you send Seth out first?"
Sandy smiled and said, "Sure, and we'll get started on the popcorn and hot chocolate."
They walked Ryan as far as the pool house doors then continued on to the kitchen. Unsurprisingly, Seth was not-so-stealthily watching from the kitchen table. Sandy decided to cut of any questions before they could start.
"Ryan wants to see you."
"Hey, bro, the 'rents said you wanted to see me," Seth greeted as he entered the pool house without knocking. He saw Ryan standing by the shelves with an empty basket in one hand and a box in the other. He seemed to be considering something very carefully.
"Hey," Ryan said as he walked over to sit on the bed with the two items. "I wanted to apologize for locking you out and all that."
"No prob," Seth assured him. Then added, "But you mind telling me why you were on ultra-silent mode?"
Ryan stared at the floor between his feet for almost a full minute, and Seth was having a terrible time trying to give him time to work things out in his head.
"Some friends from Chino didn't know about the... that we lost the baby. They sent a gift. The due date would have been today. It just kind of..."
"Freaked you out?" Seth offered.
Ryan smiled halfheartedly, "Yeah."
Seth rubbed his hands together, not sure what he could say to Ryan. He was uneasy with serious subjects, but he knew he had to try for his brother. "I know you probably don't think so, since I really wanted you home and everything, but I was - am really sorry about what happened with the baby and Theresa leaving and everything. I didn't want you to go, didn't understand, but I wanted us to work something out. Anyway, I guess that doesn't really matter, now. Are you ok?"
Ryan shrugged and kept his head down. "I'm not sure. I thought I was. It's just weird, you know? I mean, I was supposed to have a son or daughter, today."
Seth sucked in a breath and blew it out. He had never really thought about the baby that way. He hadn't given it much thought at all, except that it was the reason Theresa took away his brother. Ryan's lack of communication made it easy to forget about what might have been, and that Ryan might have been upset about it. What Seth saw as dodging a responsibility bullet was more than he could really comprehend.
"Do you want to do something?" Seth asked, already in planning mode for a subdued event.
Ryan finally looked at him to give him a confused look. "What, like a funeral or something?"
Seth bobbed his head from side to side and bit his lip. "More like a memorial. Something to mark the passing and give you closure."
"Closure? How much TV have you been watching?" Ryan tried to joke, but he was clearly thinking about Seth's idea.
"I'll have you know that a large portion of my education came from TV, and it isn't all bad," Seth said haughtily. He became serious again and said, "But really, we could do something small with mom and dad. We could bring some flowers and candles down to the beach... or something else?"
Ryan nodded slowly, "That's sounds ok. Do I have to say something?"
Instead of an obvious joke that Seth could have made, he remained serious and shook his head. "Nah, man, this is for you. If you want to talk, talk. If you don't, then don't. We'll have a moment of silence or something."
Ryan gave him a small smile and shook his head, "You, silent?"
"Anything for you, man," Seth said with a smile, but he was completely serious. He felt that he had shirked his brotherly duties by not asking if Ryan was ok with what had happened in Chino, and he didn't want to mess up again. Whatever Ryan needed, Seth was prepared to give.
Ryan swallowed with effort and turned away from Seth for a few moments before turning back. "You want to ask your mom and dad if they want to come? I, ah, I could use a few minutes."
"Sure. I'll get everything together. Come on in whenever you're ready."
It felt weird to be saying goodbye to someone he had never met, but meant so much to him. Ryan was so grateful to all of the Cohens for their support. He knew Theresa's mom and other relatives would be there for her, but that didn't stop him from worrying about his long time friend. She had stopped taking his calls or answering his letters shortly after he returned to Newport. He knew that it was the best thing for her, even if it hurt more than he could hope to describe. She needed a fresh start, not constant reminders of their loss, and he would give her that. If she ever contacted him again, he would jump at the chance to just talk to her again, but he would leave it up to her.
As he watched the single floating candle meander over the still water, Ryan let go of the child he never knew as much as possible. He thought of the future and possible children he could support when he had a good job and a stable relationship.
He looked over at the three people surrounding him and smiled, "Thank you."
They made their way back to the house, and Seth lightened the mood by expounding on the merits of several different movies. Ryan wasn't paying close enough attention to know which movies he was talking about, but he savored the feeling of family around him as they all settled around the living room with popcorn and hot chocolate.