Disclaimer: I do not own the Marvel Cinematic Universe, but I approve of their decision to add a non-comics character to Thor, because she has done the sometimes thankless job of providing comic relief and has brightened all of our lives. To Darcy!
It was a weird day.
Jane woke her at 3 AM, barely coherent (it wasn't just that Darcy was half asleep when she started talking, either). Something about the Avengers and Marauders and Argentina, otherworldly portal technology, and needing to study it. Darcy sat up and pushed her glasses on as Jane rustled around the hotel room, taking apart bits of (probably very important) machines, cobbling something new together.
After realizing her phone was on silent, Darcy checked all her messages and quickly got the story: Thor and the rest of his team were assembling against something not of this world, and he knew that Jane would want to study how it had shown up there. He wasn't sure about the safety of an on-site investigation yet, "perhaps after the battle," and he wanted she and Jane to go to New York to wait for them to come back. There was a Stark jet waiting for them. Now.
As Darcy threw everything haphazardly into bags, making sure to get all the little pieces of things Jane had taken apart into boxes (sorting through to see which boxes they actually belonged to later was going to be hell), she learned that the device that Jane was piecing together would scan for changes in the Avengers' bodies. Jane babbled about comparing the data to previous normal data and extrapolating something something whatever whatever. Honestly, Darcy stopped listening.
Jane passed out on the plane, and Darcy stared out the window after finishing the best french toast she'd ever eaten in her life, thinking about the last time (the first time) she had met the Avengers.
It was hard being in a room full of that much pretty. It was difficult being around Thor alone, and that was with the knowledge that he was a) an alien and b) Jane's. Stark was hilarious and gorgeous, despite being too old for her (but not too old for her to have a little 'hot for teacher' crush on him); Banner was sweet, kind, and gentle; Romanov was sly and smoky; Barton was straightforward and sarcastic; and Rogers? Whoo. Darcy always thought she preferred a bad boy, but his wholesome boy-next-door grin made her heart flutter.
Darcy planned to help Jane get her stuff into a free lab in the tower and then, if she wasn't needed, to pass out in a guest bedroom somewhere until the fight was over and they could go study the battleground.
Jane shook her awake when they landed. Darcy had no idea why she insisted on giving her important information the second her eyes opened, because it took about five minutes before Darcy understood that Jane wanted her there when the Avengers returned. Not there 'in the lab' there, there 'on the roof of the tower when they stepped off the quinjet' there.
It was cold on top of Manhattan. Darcy wished she'd put on a pair of jeans, because although the leggings she wore were fairly warm, her skirt kept flipping up without warning, and she did NOT want to be doing a Marilyn Monroe impression in front of the Avengers.
She clutched the device that Jane said she would need to use to investigate any wounds the team had received. Thor stepped off the plane first.
"Fear not; I am unhurt," he informed her, then grasped both of her shoulders and delivered one scratchy warrior kiss to her right cheek, followed by another to her left.
That was weird, but Thor was sometimes, so she could work with it. "Nice to see you too, big guy," she told him. "Jane's waiting downstairs. She wants you there—"
"Right after the debrief," he interrupted. "I will be there."
Next came Natasha and Bruce.
"I've got some cuts, but I think it was mostly from when I..." he nodded at Natasha sheepishly. "Came back." Darcy pointed the thing at him anyway and pushed the button Jane had told her to push. Some lights flashed, but nothing else happened.
"Okay, I guess we're good..." she told him.
"I think I may have pulled a muscle," Natasha reported, shifting uncomfortably, "but not one of those jerks got a hit in on me."
"You should think about some pre-fight stretching next time," Bruce advised.
Darcy gave Natasha the same button-pushy scan thing, and if anything, less happened. "I think we're done," she said.
"Thanks, Sweetheart," Natasha said, then leaned in and kissed her cheek.
Darcy was still feeling a bit weirded out when Bruce, with a blush, leaned in and kissed the other one. Then they both walked past her into the tower.
"What...?" she wondered aloud, drawing out the vowel.
Then Tony Stark was in front of her, having just stepped out of his suit. "I'll send this thing straight down to Foster's lab," he told Darcy, and snapped his fingers. The Iron Man exoskeleton began marching into the building. "I didn't take any hits, but thank you so very much for your help and concern."
And then he slipped one arm around her waist, wound another one behind her neck and up into her hair, dipped her, and gave her the most thorough kiss of her life.
Darcy was sure she was going to fall off the side of the building as he set her upright and swaggered inside.
Before she could fully recover, Clint was in front of her, bow and quiver still strapped to his back. He indicated the side of his left leg and said, "their sniper grazed me, the bastard."
Still reeling, Darcy nodded and pushed the button in his direction.
"Thanks," he said, as the device beeped.
Darcy shook the vestiges of the StarkSmooch™ away as best as she could. "No problem," she answered.
Clint Barton took her hand and pecked her on the lips before he, too, walked away as though he kissed everyone who assessed his battle damage.
What.
What was happening.
Then Captain America was in front of her. He set his shield down at his feet and held his arms out wide. For a moment, Darcy thought that he was going to hug her, but then she saw the slashed fabric of his uniform. And the blood.
She forgot all the previous weirdness of her day and did her job. When she pushed the button, the device went nuts, beeping and lights in various places flashing red and green and blue (that was a new one).
Seeing the concerned look on her face, he told her, "It wasn't that bad. I'm pretty much healed up already, but it wasn't the greatest feeling in the world getting a broadaxe to the chest."
Before Darcy could reply, her phone started rapping the same song Jane could never figure out how to change on hers. She answered and sussed out the gist of the instructions the excited astrophysicist was giving.
"You can't debrief right now; I have to take you straight downstairs to Jane," she told the star-spangled superhero.
"Oh, uh… okay," he said.
He looked nervous.
Darcy put her phone away. "Let's go."
He nodded, but as she turned to go inside, he stopped her with a hand on her shoulder. "Hang on," he said. "I have to kiss you first."
Darcy raised an eyebrow. What was with everyone? "Maybe later, okay? Jane said, 'now.'"
Steve looked uncomfortable. "All right," he agreed.
Once Darcy was sure she had the right floor, she took two rights and a left, then stood back and watched as Jane fussed over the Captain. He was right, his wound had already healed, but Jane had all sorts of questions how badly he had been hit and about the weapon itself and what kind of creature had been wielding it.
Through it all, his gaze kept darting back to Darcy. He seemed uneasy, especially when Jane made him take off his shirt.
"Anything else out of the ordinary?" Jane asked the Captain, who shook his head.
"I can think of something," Darcy volunteered. "They kissed me. All of them." She hooked a thumb at the superhero in the room. "Except this one."
"What?" Jane was dumbfounded for a moment, then hit a nearby keyboard to begin sifting through data. "Everyone? Even Thor?"
Darcy nodded. "His was like a kiss from my big Norse uncle, and the rest were pretty tame, except…" she cleared her throat. "Tony."
"But I don't have anything here that should indicate…" Jane trailed off and turned a confused face from Darcy to Steve.
"Is it okay if I go debrief?" Steve asked. Darcy noticed that Jane's gaze was lingering on him. His face and neck were completely red.
"Uh, sure," Jane replied, turning to the Iron Man suit looming in the corner. "Send the others down as soon as you're done."
"Sure," he said, and departed.
"Definitely one of my weirder days," Darcy confessed to Jane as she watched him go. "But, hey, I just kissed the Avengers. I'm not complaining."
They were twenty minutes from the tower when Stark turned, rubbed his hands together, and announced, "I'm going to give Lewis the kiss of her life when we get back."
"What?" Steve was confused. "But…?"
"Oh, you wouldn't know, would you?" Tony continued, turning to press some buttons near the yoke. "I guess it started when the war ended."
"What did?" Thor asked.
"Earth tradition," Tony explained. "Well, American, really, I guess. When we return home victorious from battle, we kiss the civilians."
Steve was skeptical. "I don't think that's—"
"Cap, you've been on ice. Come on, haven't you seen the pictures of Navy ships coming into port? Tons of kissing going on there."
Still frowning, Steve shook his head. "Aren't those their families?"
Tony shrugged. "I suppose they could be, but the point is they're civilians, and it's tradition. Everybody does it."
"And Doctor Foster's assistant…" Steve began.
"Darcy," Thor supplied.
"Will be expecting it, yes," Tony finished.
Steve sighed and addressed a very familiar look of doubt to the rest of the team. Natasha was murmuring to Bruce, still calming him, and Clint was refolding his bow for probably the eighth time. If Steve saw one smirk, Tony's story would be shattered. But no one said anything. Natasha tossed an expressionless glance toward the cocky pilot, and Steve was sure that Tony was grinning behind him.
"Seriously, it's a thing," Tony assured him.
"Doctor Banner?" Steve said, turning to the one person on the quinjet who he thought he could count on to give him the truth.
The physicist looked up at him. "I…" he began slowly. "I can't say I've ever… experienced it myself, but I'm not military, and until recently, I hadn't been in very many battles."
The sound of Clint's bow snapping shut drew Steve's attention to the sniper. "It's totally a thing, Cap."
Steve still felt that this was one of those 'prank the naïve kid from Brooklyn' things, so he glared at Tony.
"Hey, we'll prove it to you!" Stark insisted. "You can be the last one off the boat, okay?"
"Excellent!" Thor exclaimed. "I am pleased to be able to take part in this Midgardian victory ritual."
Steve sighed, still unconvinced. It wouldn't have made a difference whether they were pulling one over on him if it had been anyone else, but it was her.
Darcy.
The beautiful, blue eyed, sassy girl who had come along with Thor and Jane to the party Tony and thrown for him the second he was capable of standing after falling out of a crashing helicarrier into the Potomac.
He had danced with her that night, and so had Thor, and Tony, and Bruce. But Thor had Jane, and Tony had Pepper, and he was pretty sure Bruce had Natasha.
But it was his first dance. She hadn't cared that he didn't know any fancy steps. They had just shuffled around to something slow and laughed about how unnecessarily swanky the party was. She had said, "I'd rather just have a pizza and a few beers. Stark should get some pool tables up here; seriously." And he had agreed.
When he heard that she was going to be waiting for them when they arrived, he was nervous. It was the same kind of nervousness he had felt after pulling the pin out of the flagpole at Camp Lehigh and hopping into the back of the jeep where Peggy was waiting.
Steve had just come to the conclusion that he probably had a crush on Doctor Foster's pretty assistant when Tony started making stuff up.
But then he watched every single one of his teammates as they left the plane.
He hung back as Thor manfully kissed her face.
He was skeptical as Natasha and Bruce brushed their lips against her cheeks.
He was embarrassed for everyone as Tony swept her off her feet.
And he was starting to buy it as Clint leaned in and pressed a chaste kiss to her lips.
It was his turn, and he made his decision. He was Captain America: he saluted the flag, he sang the national anthem, he recited the pledge of allegiance. He would kiss the girl. He didn't want to disappoint her.
"You must believe me, Jane," Thor implored. "If I had known that Stark was simply deceiving the Captain, I would never—"
"It's okay," Jane assured him. "It's not like you stuck your tongue down her throat!"
"And even if you had," Darcy interjected from atop a nearby table, "It's not like she could be mad at you for that. Crafty morals and their deceptions." Jane grinned at her from behind a monitor.
"Steve was quite annoyed when he returned, but Natasha pointed out that the only ones who had actually lied to him were Tony and Clint. Doctor Banner and myself were truly unaware, and she had not tried to convince him of anything."
"But she didn't set him straight," Jane pointed out.
"That is how the Captain replied as well," Thor said.
"Maybe I should go find him," Darcy suggested. "That'd be something interesting to add to my twitter bio: 'Bad dancer. Clueless intern. Avenger kisser.'" Jane laughed.
There was a knock on the door frame. Darcy turned and saw Steve standing there. He cleared his throat.
"Could I… can I speak to you for a moment?"
Darcy raised both eyebrows at Jane and hopped off the table. "Sure," she said, and followed him out of the lab.
He led them down a couple of hallways before he found his voice. "I want to apologize to you for everyone… everyone's behavior today. They shouldn't've—"
"It's okay," Darcy interrupted, as they reached a small break room in the southwest corner of the building. She looked out one of the floor-to-ceiling windows. "Thor already told us."
"I know, but he wasn't the reason that Tony—"
"Yeah, he said you had a crush on me. It's cool."
"It's not," Steve insisted, stepping between her and the view. "They shouldn't have pulled a prank like that. You didn't know about it, and they shouldn't have kissed you without your permission."
Darcy frowned "It's not like it was unpleasant; they're the Avengers. Planet's sexiest heroes."
Steve looked flustered. "But they still should have—"
"What, you've never been unexpectedly kissed by somebody hot but still been okay with it?" Darcy asked.
A small nostalgic smile crossed his face, which was her answer. "The attractiveness of the person shouldn't matter," he said finally. "Consent is important."
"Okay, I don't disagree with you," Darcy replied. "But are we going to ignore the whole 'you have a crush on me' thing? Because if you don't wanna talk about it, Jane could probably use my help in the lab."
Steve sighed and his smile reappeared.
Darcy mirrored the smile and crossed her arms. "Out with it, Rogers, are you gonna ask me out, or not?"
Jane was almost finished compiling all the data for Banner to look over while she went with Thor to study the site of the battle. She was confident that they could determine where and when the day's enemies had arrived on earth.
Darcy wandered back into the lab.
Jane looked up. "You get a date?" she asked.
Darcy nodded mutely. Jane paused in front the computer and scrutinized Darcy more closely.
"Did he kiss you?" she gasped.
The silly smile that made its way across Darcy's face was the only answer Jane got.
Jane wasn't normally one to gossip, but this, she had to know. "On a scale of one to Tony, how good was it?"
Darcy grinned. "Tony who?"
Author's Note (March 4th, 2016): Here, have a fic! You can read all my behind the scenes rambling at my blog iwillwriteyourfic DOT blogspot DOT com SLASH 2016 SLASH 03 SLASH tradition DOT html
I also have a tumblr (catrinasl) and I implore you to recommend me some blogs.