The Maltese Platypus
Written by:
Sylvester Tennant
Dylan Carbonell
Andrew Mantynen
Caption: Italy-1936
[We see a Venice like city in the early evening. On one of the canals, a gondola floats along. Inside are Candace and Jeremy, along with Stacy, who is propelling the boat.]
[Candace is caught up in the romantic setting and slides in closer to Jeremy. Taking notice, he starts to place his arm around her shoulder. They look to each other and start to smile, when...]
Stacy: (singing) Oh, hot pepperoni! Lots of salami! Topped with mozzarella!
[The atmosphere ruined, Candace turns around and looks to Stacy.]
Candace: (annoyed) Stacy.
Stacy: What, I'm hungry. Besides, remember why we're here. We've got to pick up your brothers and see if they've found out anything on the Maltese Platypus.
Candace: Yeah...
[The gondola is stopped outside a building, where Phineas and Ferb are seen running out of. They reach the gondola.]
Candace: What happened?
Phineas: Well...
[The building there just ran out of suddenly erupts in flames. Candace shoots an accusing glare at her brothers.]
Candace: What did you do?!
Phineas: We had nothing to do with it.
[It's then two chefs, who are charred but not seriously injured, rush out of the building. The taller of the two starts yelling at the other, who flinches at every word. The taller guy then grabs several eggs and threatens the other guy with them.]
[Back with our heroes, Candace looks guilty after her accusation of her brothers.]
Candace: I'm sorry, boys.
[The taller guy then flings the egg, only to have the shorter guy duck. The eggs fly and they splatter in Candace's face. She groans in disgust.]
Phineas: Candace, you've got egg on your face.
Ferb: Both figuratively and literally.
Candace: Yes, I'm well aware of that.
[Jeremy hands her a towel and she cleans off her face.]
Phineas: Like I was saying, the lead was a dead-end. There's no information on the Maltese Platypus.
Jeremy: Maybe Jenny and Isabella have had better luck. We'd better go find them.
[Phineas and Ferb hop into the gondola and they depart. Unbeknownst to them, they are being watched by Doofenshmirtz and Norm, disguised as a stereotypical Italian organ grinder and monkey, respectively. They start to follow when a crowd gathers, asking for a performance, and they don't let up, blocking Doofenshmirtz and Norm in.]
Doofenshmirtz: Look, it's Mussolini!
[The crowd gasps gleefully and look around, only to be disappointed. When they turn back, they find Doofenshmirtz and Norm have disappeared.]
[Everyone arrives to where Isabella and Jenny are waiting.]
Isabella: Whatcha doin'?
Phineas: Having zero luck. How about you two?
Isabella: The Maltese Platypus wasn't there.
Jeremy: It looks like Vanessa's information was dead wrong.
Jenny: Not quite, we were able to extract information from our "host".
Candace: How'd you do that?
Jenny: Well, he just needed some persuasion.
[Flashback-Jenny has Irving in a Full Nelson hold and Isabella waves a lavender colored handkerchief in front of him.]
Irving: I'll talk, I'll talk! Just take it away! Please!
[Back in the present, Jenny continues.]
Jenny: It was traded off to an art dealer in Paris, France.
Candace: Paris, there's an A.L.S.I. office in Paris. (looks to Jeremy) Which is the most romantic city in the world.
Phineas: Okay, we'll meet up with Django, contact Vanessa, and set out for Paris. Anything else?
[Stacy's stomach then growls loudly, drawing everyone's attention. She sheepishly giggles.]
[At an airport, the plane is readied to depart. Django checks everything. Stacy is shown eating a slice of pizza. Phineas and Ferb are at a pay phone.]
[Back in the Tri-State Area, Vanessa is seated in a study as her phone rings. She answers it.]
Vanessa: Hello?
Phineas: Yes, Vanessa, this is Phineas Flynn.
Vanessa: Mr. Flynn,what did you find out?
Phineas: Well, the bad news is the Maltese Platypus isn't here in Italy, but the good news is that we've got a solid lead that places it in Paris, France.
Vanessa: Well, that is a relief. It's better than nothing.
Phineas: Progress. There's no stopping it.
Vanessa: And another thing, it's good that you called, as I have to warn you. Dr. Doofenshmirtz may be trailing you to get his hands on the Maltese Platypus.
Phineas: Doofenshmirtz...
Ferb: I told you he'd be back if there was a sequel.
Phineas: We appreciate the warning. We'll keep our eyes peeled. (hangs up phone)
[Cut to a map. A green dotted line shows the path the group takes from Italy to France.]
[Paris-At a Moulin Rouge type dance hall, Phineas, Ferb, and Isabella are seated at a table and wait.]
Phineas: Candace said there's an A.L.S.I. Office here and she made the call, but still no sign of our contacts. And we don't even know who to look out for.
Voice: Hello, friends.
[Phineas and Ferb look to see who it is. Their eyes then narrow.]
Phineas: Thaddeus and Thor.
[Thaddeus and Thor then join them.]
Thaddeus: Your sister sink any research ships lately?
[Thaddeus and Thor then chuckle.]
Phineas: Have you appeared on the front page of newspapers from all over the world lately?
[Ferb holds up the newspaper that features everyone after the retrieval of the Golden Disc. Thaddeus and Thor groans in frustration.]
[Just then, Norm, disguised as a waiter, walks by and sets a plate on the table.]
Norm: Here are your croissants, monsieur. Bon apatite.
Phineas: Thank you. (leans to Ferb and Isabella) Boy, he really looks familiar.
[Several tables away, Doofenshmirtz watches, peeking from behind a menu as Norm stands next to him.]
Doofenshmirtz: Oh sure, this would've the perfect day to use that food related threat.
Norm: Sir?
Doofenshmirtz: You remember, when we at that place Nadir-Mughal, on the India-Nepal border. I did the whole "I hope you've enjoyed today's special, my friends, for there's no tomorrow for you", but they hadn't even gotten their food, so it was a waste.
[As he continues, he is spotted by Jeremy. He turns and waves to Django, who nods and runs towards the back.]
[Back at the table, Thaddeus hands over several documents to Phineas. Phineas and Ferb then look them over.]
Thaddeus: That should give everything you need to know. I must say, you're lucky, Mandy's having us go to Egypt to look for treasure. I mean, Egypt, that's so overdone.
Phineas: I don't know, you might find your own mummy.
Thaddeus: Eh, whatever.
[Thaddeus and Thor then stand up and exit. Seeing this and focusing on the documents in Phineas' hands as he then hands them to Isabella, Doofenshmirtz starts to stand, when suddenly the lights go out.]
[Lights on the stage illuminate. Three legs then stick out from behind the curtain. The first has on a white shoe and red stocking. The second has on a black shoe and a light blue stocking. The third has on a pink shoe and yellow stocking. Music then starts playing as the legs go back behind the curtain, which then starts to raise.]
[Three dancers are then seen on stage, their backs facing the audience. They turn around, revealing that they're Candace with Stacy and Jenny standing on either side of her. Candace's can-can outfit is colored two shades of red, Stacy's is colored two shades of blue, and Jenny's is colored yellow and orange. Each of them also wear long, finger-less gloves and feathers matching their outfits.]
[Candace bumps her rear-end with Stacy's.]
Stacy: Whoo!
[Candace then bumps her rear-end with Jenny's.]
Jenny: Whoo!
[The music really kicks in and the girls lift their skirts and peform a kickline. As the girls perform, Jeremy pays special close attention to Candace.]
[The girls bend over and throw their skirts over their backs, presenting their rear-ends to the audience. Seeing this, Jeremy's face goes beet red. The girls look back to the audience and wink, with Candace directing flirtation at Jeremy.]
[As they continue, the girls execute flips, spins, cartwheels, and throwing each other into the air. As the music winds down, they do one last kickline and drop to their knees at the end.]
Candace, Stacy, and Jenny: Whoo!
[Loud cheers and calls for an encore comes from the crowd, but the girls freeze, as they have no other performance.]
Jenny: Well, what are we gonna do now?
Stacy: Wait, I got an idea.
[Stacy flashes a sly wink, and Candace knows right away what she has in mind.]
Candace: (whispers) On no, we are not doing that!
Stacy: Pwetty Pwease Candy!
[Stacy makes puppy dog eyes at Candace.]
Candace: Ugh, fine!
Stacy: Yay!
[We then cut to a cannon that has been rolled onto the stage, with Candace and Jenny standing on each side. Stacy pokes her head out of the cannon to speak to the audience.]
Stacy: Good evening ladies and gentlemen! This evening, I am about to perform a feat of lunatic daring. I will be shot out of this cannon, swing from that chandelier, grab onto that rope, fall towards that chair, and land safely, in the lap of that middle aged gentleman. (points to Doofenshmirtz.)
Doofenshmirtz: WHAT?!
Stacy: Oh, I can assure you, you will be in no danger.
Doofenshmirtz: You're right, I'll be in Madagascar!
Stacy: For his own safety, I took the liberty of chaining him to his chair.
[Doofenshmirtz looks down and sees the chains.]
Doofenshmirtz: WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN ?! HELP! SOMEBODY HELP ME! NORM!
[Out comes Norm, carrying a large tray.]
Norm: Ratatouille for table twelve. (he walks right by Doofenshmirtz)
Candace (Whispers to Stacy): You idiot! Do you realize that this can kill any human being?
Stacy: Yeah, but cartoon characters can't die. Now just raise the ca...
[Before Stacy gets any chance to finish her sentence, she's immediately blasted out of the cannon. Doofenshmirtz ducks as she flies over his head. Stacy then goes crashing through several walls, leaving a Stacy-shaped hole in each one. Finally, she crashes through a painting, and the outline of herself leaves in it, is in the exact same pose as the figure on the painting. Candace then looks and sees that Jenny has lit the fuse a bit too soon. Candace narrows her eyes at Jenny.]
Jenny: What? You didn't give me a signal.
[Candace and Jenny rush all the way to the last room Stacy crashed into. Stacy peeks out of the her-shaped hole she made in the painting, and her friends reach in and help her out. Stacy is now horribly dirty, black-eyed, and has images of can-can dancers circling around her head.]
Candace: Stacy, are you alright?
Stacy (dizzy): That was fun. Let's do that again. (Passes out)
[Back in the main hall, Doofenshmirtz finally wriggles out of the chains.]
Doofenshmirtz: Enough of this! Norm, grab the girl!
[Norm strikes, kidnapping Isabella.]
Isabella: No! Put me down!
Phineas: Isabella!
Doofenshmirtz: If you want to save your friend, just try and catch us!
[Doofenshmirtz and Norm rush out. By this time, Stacy has fully recovered from the stunt and her clothes are restored. The girls see Phineas running out.]
Candace: What's happened? Hey, Django, what's happened?
Django: They've kidnapped Isabella!
[The girls heft their skirts and hurry after Jeremy and Django.]
[Outside, Phineas looks about.]
Isabella: Phineas! Help me!
[Phineas looks to see Isabella waving out the window of a truck before getting pulled back in. The truck speeds off. Ferb then rolls up, riding on a motorcycle. Phineas jumps into the sidecar, and the two pursue the truck.]
[As they drive off, Candace, Stacy, and Jenny emerge in time to see them depart. A honking horn gets their attention, and they then see a car.]
Jeremy: Get in!
[The girls pile in, but find that rather than Jeremy, Django is in the driver's seat.]
Candace: Jenny, why is your kid brother driving?
[Before any answer can be given, Django speeds off, following Phineas and Ferb.]
[Doofenshmirtz drives through the city, passing by various landmarks. He looks and points out the window.]
Doofenshmirtz: Look, the Arc de Full Retreat.
Norm: Don't you mean Arc de Triomphe?
Doofenshmirtz: Just wait a few years, you'll see.
[Everyone continues speeding through the city streets. The French Fireside Girls, Brigitte, Josette, and Collette stand on a corner and suddenly the truck veers in their direction, followed by Phineas and Ferb and the others.]
Girls: AAAAAAAAA!
[Everyone completely drive by the girls, not evening close to hitting them.]
Girls: AAA-(singing) Aloutte, gentille, Aloutte, Aloutte, je te plumerai...
[Doofenshmirtz turns the corner and sees a man selling bread.]
Doofenshmirtz: Well, I still haven't had dinner...
[He reaches out and snatches a loaf, leaving the angry vendor yelling in French. Just then Phineas and Ferb shoot by, with Ferb tossing some money to him. The vendor then counts the money. Just as Django, Candace, Stacy, and Jenny, and Jeremy drive by, the vendor tosses them some money back.]
Vendor: Your friend's change!
[Back in the truck, Doofenshmirtz looks over the loaf he stole.]
Doofenshmirtz: Why do they give you such a long loaf of bread, but only give you a bag that covers just half of it?
Isabella: I know why. If you let me hold it for a second, I'll explain.
[Doofenshmirtz passes it to Isabella.]
Isabella: You see, it all has to do with...
[Just then, she jabs Doofenshmirtz in the eye.]
Doofenshmirtz: Yahh! Why would you do that?
[Seeing a chance, Isabella leaps up and crawls out the window, hanging on to the side.]
Doofenshmirtz: Oh sure, jab me in the eye and make a break for it. Talk about impolite.
[Norm then sticks his head in from the back of the truck.]
Norm: This wouldn't have happened if you had let me ride in the front seat.
Doofenshmirt: Not now, Norm...
[Phineas and Ferb close in on the truck and see Isabella.]
Phineas: She's out! Now if we could just reach her.
Ferb: Look under your seat.
[Phineas looks, and after rummaging about, finds Ferb's crossbow and a plunger with a length of rope tied to it.]
Phineas: Perfect.
[He fires, the plunger streaking and sticking to Isabella. The truck turns one direction, and Ferb steers in the opposite one. Isabella is pulled off and goes flying. Phineas stands and catches her.]
[Phineas, Ferb, and Isabella pull off to a side street and park. They are quickly joined by Django, Candace, Stacy, and Jenny, and Jeremy.]
Candace: Everyone okay?
Phineas: Yeah, we're good, but we have to hurry and get to the nearest port.
Jeremy: What for?
Phineas: We're gonna need a boat.
[At a port, a boat is prepped, with everybody loading supplies and equipment. As they work, Phineas is on the phone again.]
[Back in the Tri-State Area, Vanessa answers her phone.]
Vanessa: Hello?
Phineas: It's me.
Vanessa: Mr. Flynn, good news, I hope?
Phineas: More or less. Doofenshmirtz was on our trail, but we've lost him. And we've uncovered the location of the Maltese Platypus.
Vanessa: Excellent. Where?
Phineas: Inside a sunken cargo ship at the bottom of the ocean.
Vanessa: Pardon me?
Phineas: Yes, it was on board a ship that sank off the coast of England a couple of months ago. We're getting ready to salvage it.
Vanessa: Off the coast of England, you say? That just might be perfect, as I was planning a trip to there.
Phineas: That is excellent news. If we find it, we can meet up in London.
[Django stops the boat. Phineas checks the charts and peers over the side.]
Phineas: The crate will be marked A57BG22. Can you remember that, Candace?
[Candace steps out from below deck, wearing a diving suit. She grabs her helmet as Jenny readies the air pump.]
Candace: A57BG22. Got it.
Jenny: Candace, are you sure about this? You remember what happened the last time you...
Candace: Don't worry, Jenny, after what happened last time, I learned my lesson.
Stacy: Yeah, especially after you had soaking wet underwear.
Jenny: We all did.
Candace: I thought we agreed never to speak of that again.
[Candace dons her helmet, adjusting the valves, and Jenny switches on the air pump. Candace steps onto the ladder and goes down into the water.]
[Candace soon reaches the bottom and goes searching, when she comes across a sunken research ship, laying on its side.]
Candace: Hey, this ship looks awfully familiar.
[She takes a closer look and notices the silhouette of herself punched through the hull of the research ship.]
Candace: Ugh, how many times is that memory gonna come back and haunt me?
Stacy: (over radio) Candace? Everything all right?
Candace: Yeah, no problem.
[Candace searches along until she locates the sunken cargo ship and carefully moves along its deck.]
Candace: I found it. I'm going in.
Stacy: Okay, just be careful. Make sure your air hose doesn't get caught on anything.
[Candace drops inside and slowly walks down the corridor leading to the cargo hold. Once she arrives, she sees numerous crates and cases. She starts searching, checking each one. She eventually finds a small crate and sees the numbers on it match.]
Candace: I found it!
Stacy: (over radio) You did? Great! Just get back to the surface and our job will be almost finished.
[Candace hoisted up the case.]
Candace: Okay, see you in...
[Before she can finish her sentence, a giant shape smashes through the ship, tearing it apart and sending Candace tumbling.]
Stacy: (over radio) Candace? Candace, what happened?
[Candace gets her bearings and spots the crate.]
Candace: I'm being attacked by a shark!
Stacy: (over radio) What?!
[Candace sees the apparent shark circle around. She then sees an operator seated behind one of the eyes.]
Candace: Wait, it's a submarine! A shark submarine!
[Back on deck]
Phineas: A shark submarine? You know, if Candace wasn't in peril right now, that would sound like a cool idea.
[Candace then sees whose operating it.]
Candace: It's Doofenshmirtz!
[Candace trudges as fast as she can, grabs the crate, and then ducks behind rocks to hide as the shark sub goes past her. The shark sub circles back around.]
Candace: Come on, think, Candace, think.
[She places her hand on her helmet and then an idea comes to her.]
Candace: Stacy, have Jenny take the airflow as high as it'll go.
Stacy: (over radio) What? Why?
Candace: I've got an idea. Just get ready to pull me in when I reach the surface.
[Back on deck, Stacy waves to Jenny.]
Stacy: You hear that?
[Jenny nods and operates the pump's controls, taking the airflow to maximum.]
[Back underwear, Doofenshmirtz spots Candace's air hose and directs his sub in her direction. Candace sees him coming and shuts a valve on her helmet and this traps excess air inside her suit, causing it to inflate. She begins to float up and rises out of the way of the shark sub. Doofenshmirtz misses her and the shark sub collides with a rocky outcrop.]
[Candace reaches the surface, bobbing like a cork.]
Isabella: (spots Candace) There she is!
[Jenny switches off the pump, then pulls on the hose, reeling Candace in. When she is close enough, Jenny and Jeremy help her up onto the deck, standing her up. Jeremy then opens the valve, deflating Candace's suit.]
[Phineas then takes the crate and sets it down.]
Phineas: The moment of truth.
[Everyone leans in as the crate is opened. Inside is the Maltese Platypus, still in its pristine condition. Everyone stares in awe as Phineas holds it up.]
Django: Look at it. I know art, and that is really something.
Phineas: We've got what we came for, now let's get to London.
[Everyone scrambles to disembark and Jeremy starts to help Candace out of her diving suit.]
[As the ship steams forward, the dorsal fin of the shark sub appears and follows.]
[Django pilots the boat as the group nears their destination. Jeremy sleeps, resting against the wall. Candace sleeps next to him, her head resting on his shoulder. Jenny sees a chance a little mischief. She finds a discarded cookie bag, blows it up, and smacks it to make a loud bang. Candace and Jeremy spring awake.]
Jenny: Good morning, we'll be arriving shortly.
[London, at night, our heroes stand about amidst the foggy night air. All are alert as they wait for Vanessa.]
Stacy: Any sign of her yet?
Jeremy: Nothing. Are you sure we're at the right place?
Phineas: This is the address Vanessa gave us. It's funny, there's something familiar about it.
Voice: Good evening,everyone.
[Every looks and Vanessa is seen, wearing an outfit like Carmen San Diego. She strolls up.]
Vanessa: Do you have it?
[Phineas steps forward and presents the Maltese Platypus, which Vanessa takes.]
Vanessa: My, it's even more beautiful in person. Wouldn't you say so?
[Just then, Doofenshmirtz steps out.]
Doofenshmirtz: Yes, yes it is.
[Our heroes are shocked.]
Candace: Doofenshmirtz! How'd he even find us?
Vanessa: Easy, I kept my father informed of everything.
Isabella: Wait, did you say, "father"?
Vanessa: Oh, I never told you. My full name is Vanessa...Doofenshmirtz.
[Our heroes gasp.]
Vanessa: After you thwarted my father's attempt to take the Golden Disc, we decided to embark to find another treasure. I "hired" you to do the grunt work, and all the while, my father would be waiting in the wings, ready to pounce and take it once you found it.
[Our heroes look despondent, Ferb especially. Vanessa flashes a wicked grin before turning her attention to the statuette.]
Vanessa: Ooh, this is look just lovely next to the Holy Grail of Maldonia.
[Hearing this, Candace grits her teeth and her eyes go bloodshot.]
Candace: THAT WAS YOU?!
[Candace lunges, but is held back by Jeremy.]
Vanessa: Try as you might, there's nothing you or anyone else can do.
[Just then, Doofenshmirtz and Vanessa are grabbed from behind and the sound of handcuffs clicking is heard.]
Voice: Think again, young lady.
[Doofenshmirtz and Vanessa suddenly find themselves being grabbed, with the Maltese Platypus taken from them before they are handcuffed.]
[Everyone then sees an Inspector and Constable are the ones making the arrest.]
Doofenshmirtz: How did this happen?
[The fog lifts enough to reveal everyone is standing right outside Scotland Yard.]
Doofenshmirtz: Curse you, inopportune weather conditions!
Phineas: So that's why the address sounded familiar.
Vanessa: Dad, you chose the front of Scotland Yard as the place we'd carry out our crime?
Inspector: Yes sir, these are the ones in cahoots with that metal fellow stirring up trouble at Big Ben. You're in big trouble, you two.
[Doofenshmirtz and his daughter are led away, and the Constable hands the Maltese Platypus to Phineas.]
Constable: Here, I believe this is yours.
[Phineas takes the Maltese Platypus back. Vanessa and her father are taken inside and disappear.]
[The next morning, our heroes sit at a park. Django holds the statuette, as Phineas does what he can to comfort Ferb.]
Phineas: Sorry about Vanessa, Ferb.
Ferb: I know, she was a femme fatale. I knew that from the moment I first saw her.
Jenny: Well, what now?
Django: I guess we can give this to the museum.
Phineas: And that's what we'll do. But first, we are in London, so how about some R&R?
[Everyone agrees.]
[We then end on a montage of everyone enjoying trekking around London, visiting the various landmarks, before ending on them posing for a photo outside of Scotland Yard, with Doofenshmirtz, Vanessa, and Norm staring out of barred prison windows.]