Disclaimer: I do not own Two And A Half Men and The Big Bang Theory. Two And A Half Men belongs to Chuck Lorre and Lee Aronsohn. The Big Bang Theory belongs to Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady. No infringement of copyright is intended, and no profit will be earned here.
Author's Note: I wish both shows would have collided for one crossover, so I thought about this crossover in my head for days and took the opportunity of doing a crossover fanfic with both shows. This takes place with Season 3 of The Big Bang Theory (meaning Penny & Leonard are both single nor married), lining up with Season 7 of Two And A Half Men.
The doorbell rings; Alan walks from the kitchen to the living room door to open it. Its Judith and Jake at the door, as Judith is dropping Jake off after picking him up from school.
"Oh hey Judith! Hey Jake!" Alan said.
"Hello Alan," Judith replied. "Our son has something to say to you."
"I got a D on my math test today," Jake said.
"Today was the third math test he has taken in class for the school year. If he doesn't improve on his test taking, he'll" fail and won't move on to the next grade," Judith explained.
"Hey the teacher told me getting a D is a good grade," Jake said.
"Getting a D is unacceptable," a frustrated Judith explains. "Receiving an E and F grade is one thing, but a D shows the lack of effort when having a hard time with the test taking and not turning in or finishing assignments."
"Well I believe I've improved by getting a D instead of another F like I did on the last test," Jake replied.
Alan is looking at the both of them go at it with a blank look on his face.
"Alan I have tried everything. I've tried studying with him, but nothing is working so I was thinking of getting him a tutor," Judith said.
"Lame," Jake replied.
"Jake, just go ahead and walk to your room so me and your mother can talk privately," Alan said.
"Fine." Jake then walks inside going to his room.
"So you're thinking of getting a tutor?" Alan asked.
"Actually, I was suggesting you look for a tutor, especially since his next test is two weeks from now," Judith said.
"Me, why not Herb?" Alan wondered with a confused look on his face.
"What part of I've tried studying with our son, but nothing is working did you not understand?" Judith said. Besides, I still see you as my whipping mule despite us no longer married.
"At least I don't have to pay alimony now since that is poor Herb's job," Alan happily said. Also, there is one good thing about not being married to you anymore."
"What's that?" Judith asked.
"At least I don't have to deal with a shallow, selfish, bitch like you." Alan slams the door on Judith and walks back to the kitchen. Charlie is at the kitchen table drinking a glass of the Macallan scotch.
"Hey, who was at the door?" Charlie asked.
"My bitch of a ex-wife," Alan replied.
"Of course it was, well... both her and mom are straight up bitches," Charlie said.
"Well, I may get my ass kicked the next time she sees me, or I may get a call first thing in the morning where she cusses me the hell out," Alan said.
"What makes you say that?" Charlie asked.
"I told Judith the only good thing about not being married to her anymore, is that I no longer have to deal with a shallow, selfish, bitch like her, and then slammed the door on my ex-wife."
"Really. Didn't know you had it in you, up top my brother!" Charlie proud of Alan. Alan awkwardly gives Charlie an high five.
"Its a good thing I slammed the door when I did, otherwise I had a feeling Judith was going to kick me in the crotch. In fact, I'm surprised she didn't ring the doorbell again so I would open the door and she would let me have it," Alan said.
"Who cares?" The point is you showed her who's boss and you need to do it more often," Charlie replied.
"That's true," Alan agreeing with his brother. "Well I need to find a math tutor for Jake."
"Chowder head sucking in math?" Charlie guessed.
"He got a D on his third math test today," Alan said.
"I'm pretty sure a D is a good grade," Charlie replied.
"How?" Alan wondered. Yes getting an E or F grade is far worse, but a D grade doesn't stand for showing improvement, it stands for "danger" of failing the class."
"Or the D could stand for "delightfully" trying," Charlie looking on the bright side of it.
Alan stares at Charlie with a dull look on his face due to what Charlie just said to him.
Later that night, Alan is just getting off his cell phone since he found a math tutor for Jake.
"Okay I will see you tomorrow at 11:00 in the morning... alright goodbye," Alan hangs up his cell phone.
"Who were you talking to?" Charlie wondered.
"I finally found a math tutor for Jake. He's coming to the house tomorrow morning to help my son be prepared for the next math test in the next two weeks," Alan explained.
"I don't get it," Charlie not understanding. "You slammed the door on your ex-wife, now you're back to being a wuss?"
"Seriously Charlie," Alan said.
"I'm sorry I meant whipping mule," Charlie replied.
Alan angrily stares at Charlie. "Look Judith tried to help Jake, but it didn't work so I had to be the one to find a tutor pronto," he explained.
"So who's the tutor?" Charlie wondered.
"His name is Sheldon Cooper. He's a theoretical physicist, who I found online at his website for tutoring," Alan said.
"The Sheldon Cooper Tutoring Math Experience," Charlie reading the title at the web site from the computer.
"Yep," Alan replied. "By the way, I also have a date tomorrow night."
"With mom?" Charlie being sarcastic with a smirk on his face.
Alan then chuckles. "Boy I would love to smack you across the face right about now," he said. "I have a date with a woman named Penny."
"Where did you find her?" Charlie asked. "On Twitter? Facebook?"
"Meet All the ", Alan said.
"I'm guessing the website is for the loners who constantly masturbates and can't afford hookers for sexual pleasure."
Alan pauses for a second while looking at Charlie and says,"Sounds about right."
Jake is walking into the living room; heading to the kitchen to get a snack.
"Hey Jake! I got some good news," Alan said.
"You got me some ice cream?" Jake guessed.
"No," Alan said.
"You got me a car?"
"No"
"You're handing over the keys to me to your car?"
"Let me finish," Alan said when angrily irritated. "I found a math tutor to help you pass your next math test. He is stopping by the house tomorrow at 11:00 a.m.
"Have you lost your mind?" Jake asked.
"What's the problem?" Alan wondered.
"I don't want to spend my Saturday being tutored. I want to watch cartoons, sleep in as long as I want to, eat a bowl of cereal, or bacon, eggs, and toast for breakfast," Jake said.
"Buddy, you do realize you won't move on to the next grade if you don't pass the next math test," Alan explained.
"Dad, I had a long day dealing with the grade I got on the test, I don't have time for you to be a smart ass right now," Jake then walks away, going into the kitchen.
The next morning, the doorbell rings; Alan walks from the kitchen to the living room to open the door.
"Greetings. I'm Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper, theoretical physicist, also the math tutor and founder of "The Sheldon Cooper Tutoring Math Experience."
"I'm Dr. Alan Jerome Harper, Jake's father and it is nice to meet you," both Alan and Sheldon exchange handshakes.
"You're a doctor too? You're also a physicist?" Sheldon asked.
"I'm actually a chiropractor," Alan said.
"So you just go around claiming you're a hot shot don't you?" Just throwing out the "I'm a doctor" title in the air, possibly waving it like you just don't care I see," Sheldon said.
"Anyways, come on in," Alan insisted.
"Thank you," Sheldon said.
"Jake, you math tutor is here!" Alan calling Jake.
Jake walks into the living room to meet Sheldon.
"Jake, this Dr. Sheldon Cooper, your math tutor," Alan introducing Jake to Sheldon.
"Oh sweet you're a doctor?"Jake asked. "You think you can tell me something about this zit on my butt? Its been there for a week now.
"NO! NO! NO!" yelled Alan, stopping Jake from showing Sheldon the zit on his butt.
"Jake he's not that kind of doctor, I am so sorry about that," Alan apologizing.
"No worries," Sheldon said. Now what does your son need help with? Multiplication, Subtraction? Addition? Algebra?
"Algebra, but why would you mention addition, multiplication, and subtraction?" Alan wondered. My son is sixteen, not six.
"Well some kids are not very bright like light bulbs so that is the reason," Sheldon said.
"Okay well I will leave you two alone. By the way, makes sure Jake doesn't look at the answers in the back of the book. I recall the time of falling for it when I thought he figured out algebra," Alan said.
"We'll" do," Sheldon replied.
"You know it was funny as hell dad," Jake says when smiling.
"No it wasn't," Alan quickly replied when walking back to his room with his back turned.
It was already noon and Jake was still having a hard time with algebra.
"Well Jake, I see you have not made any progress with algebra. Do you have any questions?" Sheldon asked.
Jake then raised his hand. "What time is it?" he asked.
"Its 12 o'clock why?" Sheldon asked.
"Oh sweet its lunchtime," Jake said with excitement.
"Excuse me, you will not be taken a lunch break since you still have problems understanding algebra," Sheldon said.
"But lunchtime is my favorite subject, it helps me to get some brain food."
"I don't know who on earth told you lunchtime is a subject, but clearly its not," Sheldon said.
"Its not?" Jake is shocked. Well all the schools all over the world need to make it a subject, stat."
"You know instead of getting some brain food, how about getting some brain cells for that big headed empty head of yours you scarecrow," Sheldon said.
"What does this have to do with The Wizard of Oz?" Jake asked looking confused.
Sheldon stares at Jake for a few seconds without saying a word . "Okay go have lunch," he said. "I want you to be back in the living room by 12:30."
Jake is going to the kitchen and Alan is walking into the living room.
"Hey!" Alan said. "So how is tutoring going with my son?" he asked.
"Horrible. Dr. Harper please don't take this the wrong way, but did your son bump his head a lot when growing up?" Sheldon asked.
"Twice actually. I dropped him once as a baby and so did his grandmother, my ex-wife's mother not mine," Alan explained.
"That explains the missing brain cells," Sheldon replied. "Was she high or drunk at the time when she dropped her grandson?" he asked.
" No doubt since she's an alcohol and drug addict," Alan said. Had my mother dropped Jake, it would just be her being a careless bitch."
"Well I can assure you that Jake will get the hang of algebra. If the process still hasn't improved, I may take the liberty of throwing him and myself off the deck of the patio out there," Sheldon said. "Unless you want to do the honors I mean after all, you did bring him into the world."
Alan is terrified." No need for that," he said.
Back at Sheldon and Leonard's apartment, Leonard is having Chinese food for dinner with Howard and Raj. Penny enters the apartment.
"Hey guys!" Penny said. The men were speechless when staring at Penny, as she is beautifully dressed in a red bandage dress, wearing earrings, and her hair in a messy bun.
"Wow! You look beautiful," Leonard complimenting Penny.
"Beautiful, more like yummy yummy, get into my tummy!," Howard said while approaching Penny. Penny is angry, as she puts her hand to Howard's forehead, preventing him from getting close to her.