Killian knew exactly what he should do. He should go tell Emma that Neal was alive, according to Pan at least, and secretly hope that they would still have a chance. Tell her that Henry's father, her old love (hopefully), was alive. Maybe. Or Pan was just playing with them, but Killian knew he never lied. So, he could tell her all of that. Put another person on their list to rescue.
Or he could keep quiet. Leave their romance to grow into something that would hopefully overpower her last love. Get her to love him as much as he loved her. But Killian knew that the second Emma learned that Neal was alive, she would hesitate to go back to him. So if she didn't know until later, then his chance would improve. But he knew that Pan would tell her that he had known, for all that time, and had never told her. She would absolutely despise him. There would be no way to salvage any of whatever they might have. Had.
He knew exactly what he should do, what the good Killian would do. Killian had good form, a good moral compass. But that didn't mean he always followed it. Good form took a long time to even consider when you were making a decision, forget following it every day. It was human nature to do wrong things, act greedy, be selfish. But Killian had had 300 hundred years to be greedy and selfish. Time to 'hero-up', as some might put it. But bad instincts usually overpowered good form.
Killian was fighting an internal, cruel battle unlike anything he had ever dealt with before. To be good and tell Emma the truth, or be the pirate everyone thought he was and be selfish and find love in Emma. He wanted oh-so-badly to just forget about Neal being alive and just be happy with what had just happened. But he also wanted to be a good man. A good man would tell her and forget about himself. He wanted nothing more than to have never even have been told Neal was alive. But he was told, and there was nothing he could do about it. So, he had to tell her. Right?
But if he told her, Emma would be confused. Her heart would be confused, maybe. She would also be in a state of emotional wreckage, because of the fact they just had a kiss. Because, if things went as he hoped they would, she would (hopefully) love him and finding out Neal was alive... He couldn't do that to her. Those were his reasons and he was sticking to it. So, technically, if he was going to be a good guy, shouldn't he not tell her?
Killian knew that he was looking for some form of validation to get him to not tell her. Anything. But nothing was important enough. He couldn't lie to her. There was no way to put a good enough spin on it to give him any reason to not tell her, besides the fact that he didn't want to. And in his heart, he just couldn't make up a reason not to tell her. So, he knew what he had to do.
Killain Jones had good form, once upon a time. He was trying to get it back again. And he good, too, if he tried hard enough. But now? Now he just couldn't give enough energy into being good. Not for the first time, but the first time where it really, truly mattered to him. He may have good form, or something near it, but he had bad instincts. Instincts that made him want to do bad things. Like not telling Emma that, oh yeah, the father of your son that we're looking for? He's alive, according to Pan. Should we trust him? Well, he's never lied before...
He could just imagine her eyes lightening with hope, and the two kissing when they found him again. How his stomach revolted to that though. But if that happened... Then Emma would be happy, wouldn't she? And just as much as he loved her, he wanted her to be happy. If he loved her and she wasn't happy, he would be in despair. And if she didn't love him and was happy, well, he was a bit more into the endless black hole of despair. But, she would be happy. And that had to count for something?
So, who cared if they just shared a kiss that turned every nerve in his body into lightning? If it was like nothing he had ever felt before. Everything inside of him was on fire, in a frenzy, but he had never felt better. The world spun around him, at a whirlwind speed, yet he felt perfectly steady. Emma was a lifeline in a stormy sea. He didn't just want her, no, he needed her. She was his rock. But, if she didn't need him, if she didn't love him, was happy with someone else, there was nothing he could do about that.
Except maybe delay the possibility of it happening. He bit his lip, frustrated. Killian wished he could turn back time, not for the first time in his life. Turn it back all the way to when they met, perhaps. But he couldn't. This was now. This is what he had to deal with. And the decision that could ruin his second chance at true love: To tell, or not to tell? It was that simple. But it was a full-out battle inside of him, driving him to the point of insanity.
And not just any battle, it was the original battle. Between being good and being evil. Everyone knew what they were supposed to do, but how many actually followed it? From what he had gathered from everyone's extensive talk of the other world, not many people were kind and just. So, why did he have to be? Did it really matter if he was evil in a world of it?
Yes. Yes, it did matter. Because it mattered to Emma what kind of person he was. And he could be good. He had been. So, why was it so hard to even work up the courage to speak them to himself? Neal is alive. They left such a bitter taste on his tongue, the sense of regret burning deep with himself. It was like being punched in the gut, over and over and over again. He could barely breathe.
So, he had tested out the waters with telling her parents. That had been hard enough. The words caught in his throat like barbs, leaving him to force them out. Their reactions had been similar to Killian's own, except that represented the two sides of him. David was happy enough to go and get Neal, and not tell Emma. Or maybe just not even go. And then their was Snow, who wanted to tell her.
Lucky for him, she was the one who got to do the deed. He didn't have to choke and practically die on the words as his heart tore itself to shreds. Killian had never imagined that he would be able to love again. So, to say the least, his heart tore easily and painfully as he watched Emma react to the news.
For just a moment, he could see the hesitation in her eyes, the regret, the disappointment, all the evil feelings she was trying to hide ever-so desperately. Then Killian saw that flicker of hope within her. And that's when he died inside. Killian Jones just crumbled like a sand sculpture, shattered like glass, but still, he appeared whole. And that is the worst kind of broken to be.
So, in the end, it didn't matter what Killian was. Because even as he had confessed his deepest, darkest secret, bared his soul, showed his broken heart, it was all in vain. Because she said she had never stopped loving Neal. And it was the truth because he had been freed. The things he would've done for her to say that she loved him. But he would never hear it.
Killian had almost had all hope die within him as Emma and Neal had embraced. No one would meet his eyes, although David and Snow had their own problems. He couldn't blame them for avoiding looking at him. But even as he confessed, no one could look at him. He could feel their shame in the air, but it didn't make them do anything. Killian just stood there, like an idiot, as he poured his heart. A lovesick idiot that had no chance, a person doomed to never love anyone. Never have a successful relationship, to always be the heartbroken one, when he chose to love.
He had walked out of there, praying that it was all just a dream, that once they left he would wake up. Something would happen that would make his situation not true. Yet, his nightmare hadn't stopped. His hopes were dashed and the sudden realization left him reeling. So, he decided something. That he would leave them and just die. He had moved on from Milah, he had no desire for revenge, his only desire was Emma. There would be no point in living to a ripe old age of 400 or something if he had nothing to live for. No one to live for.
But then, just as he was about to leave them, go to Pan and ask him to just kill him, or jump off a cliff or something, he overheard Neal and Emma talking. About Emma's hesitation. And then he got hope. It sparked up inside of him and just kept growing until it was something dangerous. He had a chance. Killian could win her over. All he had to do was fight for her. And he would never, ever stop fighting for her.
And that, he supposed, is what good form was. Fighting for what was right, for what you love. So, even though he could be accused of being a villain, of having bad instincts, no one could say that he had bad form. He fought for what he loved and would get whatever he deserved. Killian Jones would fight to the end of his life for Emma. And if he died trying, then so be it. Because he wouldn't want to live without having love. Not again. He couldn't do it, not again. There would be no point in living if he lost his love. Killian had lost so many, so much. It would take this lost to put him over the edge.
This would be the end of him. Unless he got Emma. So now, he just had to fight with good form and ignore his instincts. Because nothing, nothing, more important to him then finding him happily ever after. Something he knew he would find in Emma. Everything would be worth it in the end, whatever the end was.
Killian Jones would have good, true form. Eventually. And then he would win Emma. He just had to ignore his instincts and do as she would want him to. Because he loved Emma. There was nothing he wouldn't do for her.
An idea that demanded attention. Tell me if you guys liked it or not and how you felt about the past 2 episodes of OUAT. I hope that all my fellow Captain-Swaners aren't crying in corners, rocking back in forth... :)
Review!