Miss You
Hello there
The Angel from my nightmare
I was his angel, his everything. He told me so before, so many times, and I never grew tired of it. His deep voice, his hand on the small of my back firmly holding me in place against him, his long, messy hair that fell into his face, it's all gone now. He's gone, tumbled through the veil, who would have thought...the great Sirius Black, taken from us all by a veil.
He doesn't seem to want to go away. Everywhere I go I'm reminded of him. His side of the bed remains untouched. I remember that day, I woke up late, nearly 10, to his scratchy kiss. He hadn't shaved yet, just the way I liked it. I loved the feel of his course, dark stubble against my face. I reached up, feeling his damp hair and attempting to pull him closer, but he pulled back. I opened my eyes as he kissed my nose.
"Get up sleepyhead...or else..." His tone was playful, a scary subject when using it to refer to one of the Marauders.
"I'm up, I'm up already!" I stretched and climbed off the bed, walking towards the bathroom. He swatted at my ass as I walked by and I blew him a kiss.
I walked into the bathroom and turned on the water, stepping under it and letting it soak into my body. I washed leisurely, stepped out of the shower, and wrapped a towel around myself before walking back into the bedroom. He was back in bed, reading a book, and smirking.
The shadow in the background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
I pounced on him, and he didn't struggle against my lightweight on top of him. He simply looked up and with a smile on his face he took my face in his hands and kissed me gently, lovingly.
"Have I told you how beautiful you are today?" His gaze was soft, his smile complacent.
"Not yet, but it's still early." I kissed him again and he rolled on top of me, reaching in between the ends of the towel to knead my breast. We kissed for more than an hour, gentle, meaningful kisses of a couple in love.
We finally parted, and with a last nibble on his bottom lip I jumped off the bed and pulled on a pair of panties before he was behind me, wrapping his arms around me and nuzzling my ear. I grabbed a tank top and pulled it over my head.
"You forgot to make the bed." He murmured and pulled me back towards the disheveled mess that was the result of last night and this morning's romps. I went to my side of the bed and threw the blanket and the pillows off before taking the ends of the sheets in my hands and cracking it upward. I saw his face under the sheet, coming towards mine as he pulled me under the floating canopy and on top of him, his hands lightly at my waist. I kissed him lightly and crawled back out from under the sheet.
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
The sheets were cracked into the air again, and he blew me a kiss as it floated downwards onto the bed. He pulled the blankets up, folding it down diagonally like he always did. He caught me staring at him and smirked. I batted my eyelashes at him jokingly, but he walked over to me, picked me up, and laid me down on top of the newly made bed. Chaste kisses became carnal, and our clothes disappeared as easily as our goal of making the bed had.
And we'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends
We lay there, tangled in sheets, sweat, and each other. As my eyes flutter open, I snuck a glance at the clock. 3 P.M. and we hadn't even made the bed yet. This was a first. I fidgeted in his grasp, rolling over and nibbling on his neck. He groaned, "Yes?"
"We still need to make the bed..." I brushed the hair out of his eyes and got up, yanking the sheets away from him, and taking the opportunity to gaze at his naked body. He rolled over onto his back.
"You like?" Another smirk...and I nodded. Why would I have stayed so long if I hadn't? He took one of the sheets from me and wrapped it around himself, walking over to the dresser and lifting a small black box out of it. He went down on one knee and with one word, he asked me to marry him.
"Please?"
"Promise me one thing..."
"What?"
"You'll never leave me." I looked into his dark eyes and that one look said it all. He kissed me with a love that's indescribable.
"I promise."
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (Miss you, miss you)
We made the bed again, his corner still folded down diagonally while mine disappeared under the pillows. I twisted the ring on my finger and looked at the man who had given it to me. What wasn't to love? He might be growing older but he still had his boyish grins, his strong arms, his faithfulness...his undying love. There was no better man for me.
He shot me his infamous grin, his dark eyes twinkling and I smiled and walked into our kitchenette to make pasta for dinner. He always said my homemade sauce was his favorite, just the right meat to sauce ratio, and then we'd laugh.
I set the table, a different colored napkin for both of us, and a single rose in a small vase in the center.
"What's the occasion, love?"
"I love you."
"Well that works."
He kissed me and pulled out my chair and told me to sit down, he would serve dinner. He was acting the gentleman, but I knew something was up. Then he brought in the spaghetti and ran back to the kitchen, coming back with a bottle of champagne we'd been saving for that special occasion. I shook my head at him, grinning and looking down. He poured me a glass.
"A toast! To us."
"To us."
Where are you? And I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
Where are you Sirius? You can't be gone. You said you'd never leave me. You promised.
I won't sleep in there anymore. I wake up on the futon, and on the way into the bathroom I see your bed and wonder if you had shown up in the night, only to be called away early that morning, but the thin layer of dust on the comforter makes me miss you more.
Harry would have been all right, I know he would have. You didn't need to be there. You didn't need to leave me. You had just raved over my sauce when the owl got there, some was still smudged on the side of your mouth as you kissed me and apparated away from me forever.
Forever. We were going to be together forever. Who's going to be there for me when I can't sleep? Or when I can't reach the top shelf? You said I'd never need a stool as long as I had you.
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
You always teased me about how short I was, my head barely at your shoulders. When I asked you to get something down for me you would always ask what I would do without you. And now I know.
My heart's broken. It's something not even superglue or kittens or presents can fix. You might as well have taken it with you, because that's where my heart is. It's gone, just like you.
Remus was the one that told me, and I told him to shut up. I looked all over his face for some signs of a joke, and then I hit him hard, over and over again, crying and telling him to say he was joking. He just stood there and held me as best he could. I knew he was wishing the same thing.
It only got worse.
And as I started I counted
Webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
"Damn him. Damn him to hell and back again. It wasn't supposed to be this way. It wasn't your time to go Padfoot!!! We needed you here. We still need you here. We don't need an empty coffin. We don't need a coffin. WE NEED YOU!" Remus started yelling at the sleek, glossy coffin. "What am I supposed to do without you Padfoot? We were the only ones left, the last of the Marauders. I hope you're happy! I hope you're just fucking peachy wherever you are! I remember the first promise of the Marauders...we wouldn't leave each other! How could you Padfoot? How could you??" His fist was a pale white, his lips a grim line across his face, his eyes full of tears and anger as he walked away from the podium, back down to his seat next to mine.
I stood up and walked to the podium to say the four words that had been running through my head.
"I miss you, Sirius."
Like indecision to call you and hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight?
The crying was the least bearable. Nearly everything in the apartment screamed of memories of you, your clothes, the bed, the dying rose left on the table. It all caused my eyes to water. I don't think I had ever cried so much in my life. Just as I had settled down from one bout, another would come up and I would crumple back into my chair and cry some more. I'd fall asleep crying, only to dream of you. Sometimes it felt like you were really there, your arms holding me and keeping me safe.
Then I'd wake up, and you would be gone, the warmth and safety only imagined. I hated those dreams. They gave me false hope for your return only to be crushed when I saw the still-made bed. I slept more, my dreams blending into reality. It was hard to determine if you were really there or not, sometimes you even talked to Remus when he stopped by to talk. He was so happy you were back.
It never lasted. Eventually I would have to stop dreaming, and I would have to give you up. You weren't coming back. But then I would have another dream and again I would have false hopes.
Then I did what I had to do. I bought a stool. Made by Black Industries, no less. The irony of it made me smile, something I hadn't done in a while.
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (Miss you, miss you)
You'll never leave me, will you? No matter what I do you're all around me in your own small way, and I think those dreams weren't entirely my own. Don't waste your time on me, Sirius. You're already the voice inside my head.
I miss you.