A very short little piece.
Something in the way you moved had always captivated me, with an effortless grace you weaved your spell and ensnared me. From the very first time I saw you, all those years ago, I know you was going to cause trouble. Cause trouble with my well-built wall, my well-guarded emotions. I couldn't explain it, I still can't, the way you invaded my thoughts.
Suddenly, there you were, filling my solitary life with laughter once again. I can still hear it, you laughter, if I sit still for long enough, carried on some ill-fated wind. Ill fated because I knew it wouldn't last, as much as I wanted it to, as much as I wanted my painful memories to become less painful.
You breezed in, weaved your spell, and left without saying goodbye. That was the hardest par, not the leaving, but the lack of any decent goodbye, although, if I am honest with myself, there is no decent way to say goodbye. It is a strange word, goodbye, because it is hardly ever good. Most goodbyes are long, drawn out and painful, for the person that is being left behind. Some small vindictive part of me hoped you were finding it painful too.
After you left, the laughter once again went out of my life, and once again the wall went up, never to come down, or so I thought.
Years later, you breezed back into my life, with your eyes that had hardened over the years, the eyes that didn't quite hold the softness they had held before, but a promise of it lay behind them, and your mouth which curled into a knowing smile whenever I was around. I was almost glad when you said that there was going to be no 'outside the office', almost, because I didn't think I could bare the consequences. But there had been 'outside the office', the shift had happened gradually, like everyone knew it would, except us, and I found myself falling in love with you. Falling in love with the way you moved, in the way you would scowl at me when I was being deliberately abrasive, trying to push you away.
Eventually, the walls crumbled again and I found myself in your arms, being loved by you. I wondered why I had tried to resist it, you, but I couldn't come up with a decent reason. So I no longer tried, I gave myself to you the best that I could. I no longer believe that it's a fault, or a failing to love some one completely. Some times you just have to let go of your mistakes, misplace them, somewhere you wont find them.
I don't always find the right things to say, you know that, but you also know what I mean. You are so like me, in some ways, trying so hard to keep up the appearance that you built around you, but sometimes you have to stop lying, admit that you are not alright. When you do that, when you shut up and listen to what is going on around you, you will see that I am here, and nothing will take me away.
It's not always plain sailing, but that's what makes life interesting. Without sadness there can be no happiness, without pain there can be no pleasure, and we have both had our fair share of sadness and pain.
There is something in the way you move, Jen, something that captivates me, and only now am I willing to let myself be captivated by you, willing to give up the fight. Because however obtuse I can be, I have enough sense to recognize a good thing when I see it, and you Jen, are the best thing.
V!
xox