One: Obituaries

Tony DiNozzo exited the elevator, backpack slung lazily over his shoulder, and walked to his desk, only to find Special Agent McGee laughing at his computer screen.

"What's so funny, McGiggle?" Tony asked, flinging his backpack down and digging in his drawer for deodorant. It was seven a.m. on a Monday morning, and, as usual, Tony had stumbled out of his apartment, still slightly hung over from Saturday night, without brushing his teeth, applying deodorant, or even combing his hair. And, as usual, his first task that Monday morning was to make himself look-and feel, for that matter-somewhat professional.

"Oh, this obituary," McGee replied, chuckling a little. "You've got to read this, Tony, I'll send you a link."

"You do not think it is wrong to laugh at someone's obituary?" Agent Ziva David asked from her desk, just across from Tony's.

McGee looked up at her, took in her raised eyebrows and stern look, and said, "Well…sort of. I mean, I'm not laughing because he's dead…it's…Tony, help me!"

"No, no, I, too, want to hear what could possibly be so funny about a poor dead man's obituary, McGee," said Tony, smirking at him.

McGee gazed flatly at him, then started clicking on his mouse and typing on his keyboard. "Well, I was looking up the Chevy of the Gods-"

"The Chevy of the Gods?" Tony said. "Is that something in your online game, McElfLord?

"No, Tony," McGee said irritably, "it's a nickname for the new Chevy truck. It supposedly has incredible gas mileage and a pretty sweet stereo system, among other things. Anyway, I was looking that up, and I came across the obituary for a man from Virginia whose family wrote that he had "gone to wash God's Chevy"."

"'Gone to wash God's Chevy?'" Tony said again, grinning. "Let me guess, was he wearing a cowboy hat in his picture?"

McGee nodded, and, smiling, said, "On a tractor."

"Link me!" Tony said, swiping his deodorant quickly under his arms and throwing it back into the drawer, buttoning his shirt. His Monday morning had just gotten much, much better.

"I still think that it is sick to laugh at a man's obituary," Ziva said, typing away on her keyboard.

"Oh, lighten up, David," Tony said, opening the e-mail from McGee. "I want people to laugh at my obituary. I've written my own, you want to hear the first sentence?"

"Not really," Ziva said.

"It says," Tony said, ignoring her, "'Anthony DiNozzo, Jr., passed to the other side to give the angels a little taste of his own personal heaven.'"

Ziva looked at him for a moment, then said, "That is disgusting, Tony."

"Are you kidding me?" Tony said, clicking on the link. "It's brilliant. People will remember what a funny, sexy guy I was."

Ziva rolled her eyes, then went back to her work.

Tony, still grinning away, was scanning the man's obituary when another name caught his eye. Forgetting about the obituary he had been reading, his eyes moved up to the familiar name.

Rosemary Burmont.

"Rosemary Burmont!" Tony said loudly. "She's dead?"

"Yeah, I saw that," said McGee. "Did you know her?"

But Tony was already reading the obituary.

Rosemary Marcie Burmont, age 40, passed away last Thursday evening due to injuries she sustained in a car accident hours before.

Tony then lightly skimmed over the rest of the obituary, not really paying attention until one of the last sentences caught his eye.

Survivors include her mother, Rose Burmont, a brother, and a daughter, Marcella Burmont of South Valley High School.

"Tony. Tony!"

"What?" Tony looked up to see Ziva glaring at him.

"McGee asked you if you knew Rosemary Burmont," Ziva said, looking annoyed.

"Yeah, I heard that," Tony said, glaring right back at her. Turning to McGee, he said, "Yes, Timmy. I did, in fact, know Rosemary Burmont. We had some college classes together."

"She's pretty," McGee said, pulling her obituary up on his screen. "You date her?"

Tony grinned. "Depends on what you mean by 'date.'"

Ziva, giving Tony a knowing look, said, "So, you slept with her, but you were not exclusively in a relationship with her, is that what you mean?"

"Bulls-eye," Tony said. "But we didn't even do it because we were that attracted to each other. We were drunk."

"Wow, a man-horse and a drunkard. I am realizing that you are quite the catch, Tony."

McGee looked at Ziva. "…Man-horse?"

Ziva looked back and forth between Tony and McGee. "Yes, a man-horse. You know, a promiscuous man. Is that not what it is called?" She cocked her head to the side.

"Man-ho, Ziva," Tony said. "Not horse. Ho."

"Why would a promiscuous man be insulted with the name of a gardening tool?" Ziva asked.

"Not hoe!" Tony said. "Ho. H-O. It's short for…never mind, it isn't important."

"So you slept with Rosemary?" McGee asked, putting Tony back on topic.

"Yep," Tony said. "We were both at a bar just a few blocks off campus-it was a fun little dive, called Lucille's or Loretta's or something. Anyway, we'd seen each other before, and she'd had a little too much schnapps, and of course, I'd been there for hours by the time she got there, I was loaded, and we snuck back to the dorms and-"

"-lived happily ever after, right, DiNozzo?" Gibbs interrupted, coming around the corner and heading to his desk. When he saw a wide-eyed Tony staring at him, he repeated, "Right?"

"Right, boss," Tony said. "Happily ever after!"

"Well, gear up," Gibbs said, taking his gun out of his top drawer. "Dead Marine in the dumpster behind McDonald's, slashed wrists and ankles."

The three agents started gathering up their stuff, and Ziva and McGee were soon following Gibbs to the elevator. Only Tony remained at the desk, trying to frantically to make his hair look like he hadn't spent the weekend at a wild bar.

"Coming, DiNozzo?" Gibbs said from the elevator door, not even looking back.

"On your six, boss," Tony said, running over to stand behind Gibbs. The four of them stood, idly chatting, waiting for the elevator to come up.

When the doors opened, the team was greeted by the sight of Jerry, a security guard for the building, holding the arm of a disheveled-looking teenager, her eyes whipping around frantically. The two stepped out of the elevator, and the team started to step in.

Just as Tony was walking in, the security guard yelled, "Wait!"

Tony turned, smiling tightly. "What can I do for you?"

"Agent DiNozzo, I'm sorry to bother you, but this girl's been downstairs for an hour looking for you."

Barely glancing at the girl, DiNozzo asked the guard, "Well, who is she?"

"Says her name's Marcella Burmont. She says she's your daughter."

If this were actually an NCIS episode, this is where the camera would freeze on Tony's face and the shot would go black-and-white! Whoo! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed, and please R and R! Thank youuu!