A phone. I would never think it would make a man so happy. A man staying in cell for what has felt like my entire life. I was always technology impared you can say. I never had an iPod or a cellphone. I had a tv, car, and landline phone. I thought I was big shit. Every minute another thing came out the distracted the people from living lives and looking out at the sunlight.
As much as I lothed it the sun would be one of the greatest things I would ever see. The padded cell and straight jacket became the normal after being in the place for over 20 years. Someone got out. I dont know who how or what but one day people came to my door demanding me to come and surender. Maybe it was what I , The Psychodoughboys, Meat, all of them telling me what to do. And as I know think about it they might of been me along. Looney Bin makes you think things that make you uncomfertable.
I wondered alot about people. Like Squee was he still alive. Was he happy and less scared. Has he relized there was more to life then people and being scared.
On the phone subject. Cell phone. 1 call. Prerecorded message. There were still somethings that were unanswered.
The warden came in took me to another padded cell with only a table and a phone.
"1 hour," he said as he un-did the straight jacket so I could move. My arms free still as noodley as ever but free. Unlike anybody else.
I grabbed the phone and dialled the number of any sort of operator.
"Hello," A mans voice said. I pressed the play button the message.
"Operator number please. Devi D."
Operator number please,
It's been so many years
"Hold please," Said the voice. I wonder if she even remembers me maybe she's dead. Went into a coma of anxious, death awating fear. All because of me.
Will she remember my old voice
While I fight the tears
"Hello," an old voice replied torn and withered with age and fear.
The message continued with it's recorded pain. "Hello Devi it's me Johnny C. This is a recorded meaage so just listen."
Hello, hello there is this Martha?
This is old Tom Frost
"Don't worry about the long distance the facility has it paid." It wasn't till after I heard it again where I relized saying facility was stupid I was surprised that she was listening to it at all.
I am calling long distance
But don't worry about the cost
"God how long has it been Devi 30 years. And I..." I could here myself choke back tears so could she too I bet. "So Devi I just need you to listen please?"
Cause it's been 40 years or more now
Martha please recall
"I would love to meet up somewhere just to see your face again," I didn't want to mention I was in the house. Where men are made into steel machines and boys are scared men. "I would love to talk again."
Meet me out for coffee
And we'll talk about it all
"Just remember all the great times we had. Remember the bookstore. The first time I saw you. You weren't like the rest, one of the maggots of socity that walked blindly in and out of reality. You were there to see past the block and saw the light that shined through the window. And the best part you never laughed at me."
Those were days of roses
Poetry and prose and Martha
"At first I thought you didn't even notice I was there. I went and looked for a new note book for my Die-ary and when I found the one with the skull on it you said it looked cool. It made me feel like you thought I was cool that there was something about me that seperated me from the rest. The dumb asses and blind ones."
All I had was you
And all you had was me
"I would come in almost every day after that. Even if you weren't there. You essence your smell was there. Your soul was forever apart of mine and you were there."
There were no tomarows
We packed away our sorrows
"And we would talk, about anything and everything. I wasn't the only one with words of wisdom. Your comments on the city and the people in it at work were always happy and friendly and when we were alone you true feeling would show. The hidden drape came off and you said what was in the mind of this beautiful woman."
And we saved them for a rainy day
"I'm older now, and so are you. How has age treated you. You must have that same beauty you always have heven't you."
I feel so much older now,
Your much older too,
"Are you married, kids maybe? I would love too see them. I just want you to be happy. I dont think i'm the jealouse type. I'm not. Well yes husband kids wonderful."
How's your husband,
Hows your kids,
"I got married too. Wonderful girl. Well I was married then she left. But I think it was for the best. She wasn't for me but anyway."
You know that I got married too,
"I'm glad your happy. Hopefully he makes you feel secure and safe. Or she depending on which road you went. I know over the years you've been scared because of me. I just hope that you feel safe."
Lucky that you found someone,
To make you feel secure
"We were both so young. Silly. So imature. I was just young. Now over the years I've really changed over the years. I've seen things that I havent enjoyed. I've seen things that I loved. Years of heart renching reality and death. We live we die, people always say. But what about the experiance in the inside. Why do we ignore the little things? I've relized that know with old age."
'Cause we were all so youg and foolish
Now we are mature
"I know you probally dont want to hear this or you wont believe it but I killed for you. Sorta. People would come in the store and yell at you and find ways to eat at your heart and soul. So I took them away hoping the problems you felt in your heart would go away."
Those were days of roses
Poetry and prose and Martha
"I know you probally hate me. Put please here my pleas. You know I would never get down on my knees and beg. But I just wish that I could go back and time and not try to and imortalize the moment."
All I had was you and all you had was me
"Oh I would understand if you hated me. I just wish you wouldn't. I just wish I had the knollage then that I have now. You were the only one who cared about me intill I messed everything up. I would just wish that just ahh."
And there were no tomorrows
We packed away our sorrows
"I just wanted to tell you that I really miss you."
And we saved them for a rainy day
"I was just so impulsive. All I wanted was to keep you with me forever. Keeping in with me in my house. I just wished that I could shrink you and keep you in my pocket."
I was always so impulsive
I guess that I still am
"I just thought that I could change the world. I could rid the world of the shit faced ass holes who seemed to rule this Earth. I just wanted to keep the world safe for you and Squee. By the way could you get some sort of contact with Squee I would love to see him again."
And all that really mattered then
Is that I was a man
"I guess we weren't ment to be you know. Like maybe God had some divised plan to keep us apart. And if that is whats to happen let it be. I would at the least want to stay friends. But thats on your part."
I guess that our being together
Was never meant to be
"I- you just make me so happy. I've never been to happy intill I was around you. You made this feeling in my stomach that was painful yet pleasureful. Your just speech-less. I usually have something to say for everything. But with you i'm blind. Devi, I just want you to know that I still care about your well being."
And Martha, Martha,
I love you can't you see?
"Do you remember our first date. Well of course you do. The whole killing wasn't my idea. It was the Doughboy's idea. Oh yeah you dont know them. I was just so happy so filled with life. More life then any dying last words could."
And those were days of roses
Poetry and prose and Martha
"I regret doing this to you. Making you scared to come out of your house. To see life and live. You didn't. I scared you so that you would stay in your whole little world. Your world filled with shit and fear. And it was a fear of me. You dont know how much that has taken a tole on my sanity. Not that I had any sanity to begin with."
And all I had was you
And all you had was me
"You were just beautiful. Your light purple hair. So soft to the touch. Your pale soft skin. You had your own smell. A smell of lilac and fabric softner. Your voice was like butter aganst a hot slate. Melted in the sound of life. Drowned out all the shit that lived in these god forsaken parts of life."
There were no tomorrows
We packed away our sorrows
"I regret alot of things. Not doing this not doing that. One of the things that I really regret is that I didn't kiss you. I didn't feel your sweet caresse of your lips on mine. You breath so sweet filled with the tase of you essence your soul. A part of you could always be apart of me."
And we saved them for a rainy day
"I think my favorite time we had together was our time looking down at the city. Laying on the car. It looked odd. Beautiful in a way. I could always imagine I was king of the word filled with blind rejects. The people who make fun of us and we can do whatever we want with them. And the best thing about all of that is that you were my queen. we ruled the little of the world we had left. And I always knew that we would have this memory forever."
And I remember quiet evenings
Trembling close to you
The recording was done and I sat there wating for a responce. Nothing. 1 minute later nothing. I was worried. I looked at the phone. Call ended 3 minutes ago. She hung up call ended. But I knew that my message was 7 minutes long. She listened and then hung up. She must of been scared. God I missed her. I laid my head against the padded cell.
"Worthless," I said quietly to whoever would listen.
A man entered the room with a doctor.
"Are you ready Johnny,"
"Nny," I muttered as they carried me away into my room filled with the dark memories of my past and the lonely time of my present and the hopeless tragedy of my future.