Disclaimer : I love carrots! (and no, I do not own GA)
Dedication : Alexxis T. Swan [HAPPY BIRTHDAY T! I was going to post the other prompt you gave me (the one you gave me ages ago) but I still haven't finished it yet. I'm a fail, I know. But I hope this is okay? It's crack though, so beware.]
Genre: Humor/Crack
Rating: T
Word Count: 3616
Warning : OOC-ness galore
Atrocious Acronyms
Part 1 : B.I.T.C.H
B.I.T.C.H – Basic Institute for Teaching Children about Hags
You have been invited to attend an extremely prestigious orientation for the welfare of our society by none other than the great Natsume Hyuuga himself. He will enlighten you about the hazards and complications when dealing with those of the opposite gender (most commonly known as hags). Please come to the Ballroom (in the High school building) on Friday, the 18th of March at 3pm. Do bring your invites as this is an invite only occasion. No gate-crashing will be tolerated. Also, anybody with double X chromosomes are not allowed to enter the hall under any circumstances. Please refrain from showing this to them. We do not want to cause any havoc and Mr. Hyuuga does not want a large audience. Since you've received this invite, you're one of the fortunate students of the Alice Academy.
Mr. Hyuuga and I hope to see you there.
Ruka Nogi
Chairman of B.I.T.C.H
P.S This is a white tie occasion.
Mikan stared at the piece of paper in her hand, absolutely dumbstruck. When she had entered Natsume's room, she hadn't expected to find this lying on the foot of his bed. Curious to what it was, she had picked it up and had begun reading it. Her eyes had nearly popped out of their sockets when she read the acronym. B.I.T.C.H? What the hell was wrong with these boys? She always knew Natsume was weird, but Ruka as well?
Figures. No wonder Natsume had seemed so busy lately!
Mikan checked her watch and lo and behold, today was the 18th of March! There was still an hour before the 'orientation' and Natsume was nowhere to be seen. Mikan grinned slyly to herself as she stuffed the invite inside her pocket.
Oh, she knew what she was going to do today...
~(*)~
Mikan repressed a sigh as the security guard standing in front of the Ballroom eyed her with suspicion evident in his eyes.
"I'm Takumi Takami, look," Mikan finally said as she thrust the invitation in the guard's hand, "I've even got an invite."
The security man looked at her again, trying to scrutinize her. The boy seemed normal, he thought. Like the rest of the boys, he was also wearing a white tie. But..why the hell was he so short?
"You're short." He guffawed.
Mikan scowled at him. "And you're annoying. Now are you going to let me in or not?"
The guard pondered for a while. "Mr. Hyuuga might no—"
Mikan snorted at that. Mr. Hyuuga? Oh please. Natsume was ...just Natsume. She couldn't imagine any sane person calling him Mr. Hyuuga.That seemed so..formal and so un-Nastume like.
"—t approve of someone as short as you to enter—"
"Is there a problem here?"
Mikan turned around to spot Ruka clad in a suit with a white tie around his neck. In his right hand he carried a folder and in his left, he carried a briefcase. If she hadn't known what he was actually doing and where he was actually going, Mikan would've thought that he was going to some very important conference. But she knew better than that, dearest Ruka Nogi was going to a B.I.T.C.H meeting.
Ha.
How feminine.
The guard started sputtering when he noticed Ruka. "Uhh...this..this fellow.."
"I have an invitation." Mikan said gruffly, trying very hard to imitate Natsume's annoyingly deep voice. She had to be extra careful around Ruka. With one wrong move, she could be kicked out of the place and she wouldn't want that to happen. Not when she hadn't even attended the meeting.
Ruka furrowed his eyebrow. "Then I don't see what the problem is. He can come in."
Muttering apologies to both Mikan and Ruka, the guard pushed the doors open and let the two inside the Ballroom.
Mikan's jaw nearly dropped when she eyed the place. Normally, on occasions such as the Winter Ball or the Halloween Ball, the ballroom was decorated according to the theme. For the winter ball it was decorated with tiny snowflakes dangling across the ceiling and the wallpapers were all a pretty shade of light blue. For the Halloween Ball, jack-o-lanterns were made to dangle from the ceiling and the walls were normally orange and black, emphasising the Halloween Spirit. Other than that, the ballroom was just painted an ivory colour and no snowflakes nor any jack-o-lanterns could be seen. Just a big chandelier dangling right from the centre. But today, instead of snowflakes or jack-o-lanterns, there was a head there instead.
Yes. There was a head dangling from the ceiling.
And from what Mikan could tell, it was definitely a girl's head.
This is scarier than the Halloween decorations!
Mikan repressed a shudder as she gazed up at the thing, it looked so real!
She could feel Ruka's gaze on her. "That was Koko's idea." He informed her with a wry smile. "It's not real of course, just plastic."
Mikan nodded her head. "Wel— " Mikan started in her voice then coughed, remembering her act, "It's looks jolly good!"
Jolly good?
She resisted the urge to groan.
Ruka's lips twitched. "Are you a transfer student? I haven't seen you around here before and you're wearing a hat."
Mikan nodded her head enthusiastically, "That's absolutely correct! I'm part Welsh, you see."
Ruka frowned slightly and his eyes narrowed a fraction. "You don't look Welsh."
"Oh," Mikan swiftly dismissed, "I just lived there. The place is bloody fantastic! Japan is pretty swell too but if you want to have a jolly good time, London is the place to go."
"But I thought you were from Wales."
Mikan inwardly groaned. Damn Ruka! Why did he always pay attention during Geography class?
"Well enough with the chitter chatter! I want a good seat for the orientation!"
That seemed to divert the topic from Wales and London. "Oh right," Ruka pointed to the dozens of chairs in the centre of the room, "Just go grab a chair in front of the podium. The session will be starting soon." And with a small wave, he headed off in another direction.
Mikan took the opportunity to glance around the room. They had changed the wallpaper, she noted. It was a deep red with random black lines here and there. There were about thirty boys or so, all of different ages from five to seventeen. Some were already sitting on the chairs, others were talking animatedly by the coffee stall and a few were eagerly waiting in line for a muffin (Mikan couldn't believe they had food at a B.I.T.C.H meeting, it seemed so bizarre) In front of the chairs, there was a medium sized stage with a projector screen behind it. She wondered why they needed a projector but then shrugged.
She'd find out soon enough.
Mikan thought she had gone bonkers but she could've sworn she heard a trumpet blow just then. She widened her eyes when she saw that all the boys had started scrambling towards the seats, leaving their precious muffins behind.
Maybe she hadn't imagined it...
So following the status quo, Mikan shuffled towards the seats as well and sat in the front row next to a boy about the age of 5. The little boy had grey hair that was spiked up in all ways possible and he was wearing a tie!
"You look so cute!" Mikan gushed out and then immediately felt like smacking herself. She was a boy for now. She couldn't call little kids cute. Gah.
The little boy looked up at her and Mikan widened her eyes. What was dear little Youichi doing here? Surely he couldn't be interested in all this nonsense.
"You talk like a girl." Youichi frowned, "Are you a homo?"
Mikan bit back a retort which she would've used under normal circumstances. "Nah kiddo," she quipped, "I was just fooling around."
Before Youichi could say anything, everyone decided to get up for some odd reason. Mikan didn't want to stick out like a sore thumb, so she got up too. She looked behind to see Natsume strutting in with Ruka behind him.
On a red carpet.
Yeah. There was a red carpet.
What the?
Natsume sauntered past Mikan and headed directly up on stage with Ruka trailing behind him, Mikan noticed that he still had the briefcase with him. Natsume motioned for everyone to sit down and then began talking into the mike.
"I'm not going to waste any time on formal introductions," he began swiftly, "You all know who I am and if you don't," he paused, probably for some dramatic effect, "You're a douche or even worse, you're a hag."
There were some appreciative snickers at that which caused Natsume to smirk slightly himself.
"So as you all know, this is a B.I.T.C.H meeting. In other words the Basic Institute for Teaching Children about Hags."
"But we're not children!" some stupid idiot shouted from the crowd (probably Koko), "We're hormonal teenage boys!"
Another round of collective snickering.
Natsume wasn't pleased this time.
"Koko," he growled into the mike, "If you remember, you were the one who came up with that acronym and if anyone's got a problem with it, you can go die."
The laughing stopped.
"Good." Natsume picked the mike up from the stand and began walking around the stage. Mikan could hear his expensive dress shoes click against the wooden floor. She scowled. She could never get him to wear those for any of the balls, (he said they were gay) but now that's it's a B.I.T.C.H meeting, he's more than happy to wear them?
Stupid git.
"There are only two types of people in the world," Natsume drawled lazily.
"Isn't that a Britney Spears song?" Someone from the audience yelled out.
Natsume shot the offender a deadly glare.
The offender shut his mouth.
Mikan snickered.
"The hags and the non-hags." Natsume continued. "Sadly, our word has as many hags as it has non-hags and it is our duty to resist their power."
What the hell?
"Yes," Ruka piped in, snatching the mike away from Natsume. "The hags in our world are disguised as people with the double X chromosomes, otherwise known as females."
"As Ruka eloquently put it," Natsume had another mike in his hand, from where, Mikan had no idea. She was positive that there was only one before. Oh well. "We associate ourselves with hags every day. Be it our teachers, our fellow students. Even our girlfriends are hags."
She couldn't believe Natsume had called her a hag in front of so many people. Oh she couldn't wait till she'd be alone with him. She'd give him a piece of her mind.
That dirty little chauvinist!
"Hags may seem nice at first, but slowly they drain out your soul." Ruka said solemnly. "My girlfriend is a hag,"
Mikan's jaw dropped. Ruka called Hotaru a hag? She knew Natsume was like this, but sweet Ruka as well? Had Natsume brainwashed him?
"Sure she's pretty and all, but she always gets her way." Ruka continued, "Like for example, say Natsume and I had planned a little guy's night out with the usual video games and such. At first, my hag agrees with me going. But then at the last minute she says that she wants me to help her with her inventions!" Ruka pounded his fist into the air, "Isn't that just a crime?"
There was a murmur of agreement amongst the people sitting.
"Furthermore, I don't see why she has to agree to anything!" Ruka said hotly, "I'm my own person; I don't need a hag telling me what to do!"
Another murmur of agreement.
"My case is even worse," Natsume began, "In fact it's so annoying that I can't even explain it with words. I'll just show you guys instead." He turned his back to the audience and fished something out of his coat pocket. It was only when the screen behind him started glowing that Mikan realized that he held a remote in his hand.
Mikan's eyes grew wide as she saw a video of Natsume. He was talking on the phone with someone.
"I'm busy now, Polka." She saw Natsume muttering into the phone. "I'll call you later." And then he cut the line.
Mikan's eye twitched. She couldn't believe he was that jobless enough to record that! What a weirdo!
"I thought I already told you that I'm busy." She saw Natsume growling into the phone as he picked up a manga from his table. "No, I'm not reading any manga," he was saying as he propped his feet up onto the table, "I'm doing the Math homework Jinno assigned us, which of course I'm sure you've forgotten about."
Mikan scowled darkly to herself. She knew he was lying that day when he said that! Now she had solid proof!
"For the last fuckin time!" Natsume hissed into the phone, which was now on speaker mode, "I do NOT want to know about Neal Horan."
"It's Niall Horan!" Mikan heard herself protest from the other end of the line. "Well why not? He's Irish AND he's cute!"
Natsume smacked his forehead. "I told you I'm not a Belieber."
Mikan heard herself gasp. "I cannot believe you called Niall, Justin Bieber. He's 1/5th of One Direction! We're not Beliebers! We're Directioners!"
At that everyone sitting snickered loudly.
Mikan scoffed. It was their problem if they didn't believe in One Direction. Those boys were amazing and to top it all off, every single one of them can sing and they all look so adorably amazing!
But sadly Natsume did not think so. "We?" He jeered, "I'm not a Directioner or whatever crap it is. All of them are bloody fuckin' gay."
"No they are not! They are bloody wonderful! Liam's voice is just to die for! And oh my god, Zayn's eyes..."
Mikan smiled to herself as she remembered staring at his picture on the net. Seriously, that boy had such beautiful pair of eyes. She could just die. Well she did. Countless number of times and then she had gone onto YouTube and listened to their song 'Another World' and had died once again.
It was true bliss.
But this wasn't. This was her boyfriend calling her a hag and showing a bunch of B.I.T.C.H invitees their private conversations.
"Ugh," Natsume closed his manga shut. "You're making me sick. Go die in a hole. Peace." And with that he hung up.
And a few seconds later his phone started ringing again.
It would take a fool to not get who was calling him.
"Okay, so you get what I mean, right?" Natsume stopped the video and turned to face the rest of the boys. "Such an annoying hag."
There was a murmur of agreement. Mikan was absolutely fuming inside. He just couldn't go around doing this! What happened to the boyfriend code or whatever? Surely there must be rules stating something like 'One must not insult one's girlfriend in front of other B.I.T.C.H people.' Or something else like that.
"So you all probably get what Natsume and I are trying to convey here." Ruka said swiftly as he walked to stand beside Natsume. "We've come up with five simple rules to control the hag infection. Natsume will do the honours by reciting them."
"Rule number 1," Natsume drawled lazily as he shoved his hands into his pocket, "Do not listen to the Hag."
Mikan could see almost everyone nodding enthusiastically and one person was even writing the rule down! The audacity!
"It's a fairly easy rule." Ruka informed the gathering, "If she wants you to do something for her, say no. After all, we know who wears the pants in our relationships."
"Hotaru Imai does!" Kitsunume hollered out.
Mikan stifled a giggle. She couldn't argue with that.
Ruka shot Kitsunume a glare. "Shut it Kitsu or I might just have to strangle you."
A lot of boys 'oohed' at that. Ruka Nogi threatening to strangle someone was very rare, he was always so mild that this kind of behaviour seemed totally out of character for him. Natsume must really by rubbing off on Ruka, Mikan concluded. What other possible explanation could there be?
"Anyways," Ruka's voice was a bit hard, "Let's move on to rule number 2."
"Rule number 2. Piss her off as much as possible." Natsume said while he examined his nails, "It's a fun rule, really. I've done it plenty of times before. Never gets old."
Mikan noticed that Yoichi was grinning like a maniac and was nodding his head so enthusiastically she was sure it wouldn't take long before he'd pass out due to extreme dizziness.
He sure must be enjoying all of this.
"Any questions?" Ruka asked, his voice still hard. He hadn't gotten over the Hotaru comment yet, that was for sure.
Nobody had any so Natsume went on to 'enlighten' everyone about the next rule which was to never call the hag by her real name, to do so would be a fatal crime. An embarrassing nickname would be ideal.
Git.
Seriously. This was basically a meeting or class or whatever to turn innocent people into Natsume! If she didn't do anything about it now, Mikan was sure Alice Academy would be filled with about 40 Natsume wannabes which would be extremely harmful to the society. One Natsume Hyuuga was more than enough. The world did not need to deal with more.
A few people asked questions like 'Can I call her honey?' or "Can I call her sugarplums?' to which Natsume rolled his eyes.
"You have to call her something embarrassing. Like lack of rack or something." Was his great answer.
"Rule number 4. Watch the Big Bang Theory and Two and a Halfmen. Charlie Sheen is our ideal." Natsume said solemnly into the mike.
"But that's irrelevant!" Some smart person from the crowd yelled out. Mikan nearly sighed in relief. Thank god there was at least one other sane person out here..
"No it's not." Ruka piped in. "Have you ever seen those shows? They're bloody fantastic!"
"Yeah they are. It makes me feel so proud when Sheldon always outsmarts Penny." Natsume said while smirking slightly, "It's like there's still some hope left for all of us."
Ruka nodded. "So we've covered four rules so far. This is our last one. So listen to Natsume very carefully."
"Rule number 5," Natsume said his voice as crisp as an autumn leaf, "Occasionally steal the hag's underwear and draw random stuff on it with a blue sharpie just to show them who's boss."
What the hell?
There were whoops of approval and someone even wolf whistled. Natsume looked jolly pleased with himself and he and Ruka were grinning like they'd won the lottery or something.
"Any questions?" Ruka asked.
A little boy next to Youichi raised his hand. "What do we get out of doing that?"
Ruka hesitated.. what could he say to that? Surely he couldn't say that panty stealing was normal... but luckily for him Natsume answered the question instead. "Well you'll just get this pleasure of annoying her. Sadistic pleasure, which is actually healthy for adolescents."
Mikan couldn't take it any longer. She was done with sitting through all this crap. "But he isn't an adolescent!" She screeched out, not caring that it was in her own voice, "He's just an eight year old kid!" she jumped out of her seat and pointed an accusing finger at Natsume, "I cannot believe you have the nerve to invite poor innocent children to this crack meeting!"
There was a moment of silence after Mikan's outburst.
"Polka?" Natsume shook his head, "What the hell are you doing here?"
Mikan removed the hat that she was wearing, it didn't matter if her hair tumbled down now, and everyone probably already knew that she was a 'double x chromosome bearer.'
"What the hell am I doing here? What the hell do you think you're doing? You can't sprout out nonsense like this! And who the fuck gave you permission to record one of our private conversations? You're such a weirdo! And oh lords I cannot—"
"Guards!" Natsume hissed into the mike. "We've got a barbaric hag in the front row. Please escort her out the B.I.T.C.H premises."
"Barbaric?" Mikan shrieked on the top of her lungs, "I'll show you barbaric you little son of a weasel!I'll—stop let go of me!" Mikan swatted the hands of the security guards away but that didn't work. They just lifted her and proceeded to carry her out of the ballroom. "I said let go of me you dirt little ferrets!" Mikan screamed while she kicked furiously Her eyes darted back at Natsume, "I am so going to kill you. Just watch Hyuuga."
Natsume chuckled at that. "Whatever you say."
Mikan scowled.
"Hag."
Mikan showed him the finger to which he merely smirked.
And with that, the two guards took her out of the ballroom. After Mikan left, Natsume spoke into the mike once more. "See what I mean? Even in a hag-free zone, hags still manage to pop out of nowhere."
"Aye," Ruka said. "We're infected."
~(*)~
*Acronym-a word formed from the initial letters or groups of letters of words in a set phrase or series of words
You must wish Alexxis T. Swan , Happy Birthday! She deserves as many wishes (PMs) as possible! :D
Reviews would be awesome :-)
Carolle Royale