Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling. Cyrano de Bergerac belonged to Edmond Rostand. My apologies to both.
Remus could hear Gideon and Fabian swear behind him as he stopped short yet again, this time to avoid walking right into a very young witch mounted on a pint-sized broom. The stands at the Wimbourne Wasps' home pitch were always chaos, and he wondered yet again why he was here. He didn't even like Quidditch that much.
"So, where's this bird of yours usually sit, Remus?" Gideon asked as he plopped himself cheerily into an empty seat.
Ah yes, that was why. Because he, shy and awkward Remus Lupin, had fallen hard for a girl he'd only seen from across a Quidditch pitch. Not that she was hard to spot from that distance, what with the bubblegum pink hair.
"She's usually just over there; you'll spot her right away. Her hair is very … pink."
Fabian squinted into the sun as he scanned the stands on the opposite side of the pitch. "I don't see her. Are you sure she'll be here, mate? Gideon and I are wasting valuable pub time, y'know."
"She's always here; she hasn't missed a game yet this season." (And neither had he.) "I don't see why today would be any different."
"I don't see why Fabian and I have to be here," Gideon put in. "Why can't you just head over there an introduce yourself? I could be on my third Firewhiskey by now."
"Did I hear the gentleman say 'Firewhiskey'?" A vendor who was passing them in the stands interrupted. "Ogden's finest, only two sickles a shot!"
"Cor," said Fabian, "they don't sell Firewhiskey at the Kestrels' games! Maybe we should consider switching allegiances, Gid."
"How much to leave the bottle?" Gideon asked the vendor.
"I'm not really supposed to do that, sir … but for you blokes, five galleons and I'll look the other way."
"Ta," Gideon replied, passing the requested galleons while Fabian grabbed the bottle. "Want any, Remus?"
"No, thanks."
"Still waiting for your bird to arrive? Didn't bring us here on a fool's errand, did you?"
"Hell, I thought it was an April Fools' joke when he told us he was in love, didn't I, Fabian?"
Remus supposed he was an April Fool, all right. Even beyond the folly of falling in love with a girl he'd never met, whose name he didn't even know yet, this girl was clearly out of his league. She had pink hair, for Merlin's sake! Remus looked down at his own shabby robes and self-consciously rubbed his old-fashioned moustache. Perhaps he ought to shave it off…
When he looked up, there was a flash of pink in the stands across the way. "There she is! With the blond fellow and the one with the black hair and big nose."
Gideon and Fabian looked across to where his finger pointed. "Well, then," Gideon said.
"Please tell me you know who she is. You two know everybody!"
"Oh, I know her, all right. You sure know how to pick 'em, doesn't he, Gideon?"
"Yep. Young Nymphadora would be quite the catch. She's a Metamorphmagus, you know."
"She lets you call her Nymphadora?" Fabian asked.
"Of course not! Her name's Nymphadora Tonks, prefers to go by Tonks, Remus."
"Tonks," Remus repeated. Even her name was too edgy for him. "She's too cool for me, isn't she?" he asked aloud.
"Yeah, 'fraid so."
"Sorry mate. Last bloke she dated had a mohawk and played bass in the Weird Sisters' opening act."
"Well, at least now I know." Remus tried valiantly to hide his disappointment. She just seemed so happy, so full of life, this Tonks. He himself might be quiet and calm, but he found himself drawn to her energy. A girl like that could have anyone she wanted, though, and he knew it. Why had he thought he had a chance?
"That's Lucius Malfoy and Severus Snape that she's with, though. That's not her usual crowd. Wonder why she's putting up with them."
"Haven't you heard? Lucius has taken a fancy to Tonks. Probably the Metamorphmagus thing that's attracted him. It's a bit disgusting. Anyway, he's got so much pull at the Ministry, I think she's afraid to upset him and lose her chance at a good job."
"Isn't Malfoy married?"
"That's where Snape comes in, you see? He figures Snape'll do anything he tells him to, so he's trying to set Snape and Tonks up, so he'll have a willing accomplice as husband. He's underestimated our Tonks, though."
"That's horrible!" Remus exclaimed. "I ought to go over there and give that Malfoy a piece of my mind. He can't do that!"
"Oh, he can and he will. You're new with the British Ministry, so you don't know how it is. He practically runs the place; Fudge is only a figurehead, does whatever Malfoy asks. And you may be a hair's breadth away from a fully trained Auror, but he and Snape both do more than dabble in the Dark Arts. Don't make them your enemies."
"Oh." Even the one thing he was good at – being an Auror – he couldn't use to help Tonks. Remus had rarely felt more useless.
"Well, if our services are no longer required, we'll be off," Fabian said cheerily.
"What! Already?"
"Well, we've finished the Firewhiskey, so there's nothing else keeping us here. Certainly not the game! They're playing the Cannons; there's no need to watch when the end result if a foregone conclusion."
With a crack they Apparated away, and Remus found himself sitting alone next to a couple of Cannons supporters who were apparently waiting for a friend.
"… can't believe he isn't here yet. He hates Bagman, and he never misses a chance to heckle him!"
"He'll be here, Peter, don't you worry. He was hinting that he had something big planned this time; he even asked to borrow the Cloak, so he might be here already, and we just can't see him."
"Excuse me," Remus broke in, "but were you expecting someone? I'm all by myself, so I could move."
"No need, no need," replied the taller of the two, who had messy black hair and glasses. "Even if he does show, he's rarely in his seat! Prefers to lean against the rails and harass the players, y'know. You look familiar. Where might I know you from? I'm James Potter, by the way, and this is Peter Pettigrew."
"Remus Lupin. I'm not sure when we might've met; I didn't go to Hogwarts, so I'm generally a stranger here in Britain."
"I know where I've seen you before. You're that new Auror trainee, over from the continent, right?"
"That's me," Remus acknowledged. "So you're an Auror yourself?"
"Yup. So's the friend we're waiting for, Sirius Black. He's quite the character; if you've seen him, you'll remember him."
"Is he the one with the leather jackets?"
"And the tattoos? Yeah, that's Sirius."
"And what about you?" Remus asked Peter, who had hung back from the conversation.
"Who, me? Oh, I'm no Auror. I run a sweets shop off Diagon Alley."
"You're that Pettigrew?" Remus asked.
"You've heard of me?" Peter blushed with pleasure. "Pettigrew's Pleasures Sweets and Snacks, yes, that's me."
"Be sure to stop by the shop some time; he gives discounts for Quidditch fans."
"James!"
"Well, you do."
"Only little ones."
"I stand corrected. He gives small discounts for Quidditch fans."
Suddenly, a voice boomed out from behind them, announcing the Wasps' starting line-up. Peter jumped at the noise. "The game's starting! Where is Sirius?"
Perched on his flying motorbike high above Wimbourne, Sirius Black grinned. This was his best idea yet. It'd come to him as he was installing the invisibility feature Arthur Weasley had suggested to him on the motorbike. Invisible bike plus Invisibility Cloak plus silencing charms on the engine meant he was pretty much undetectable, and he had to put that to use.
Peter would probably never forgive him for disrupting a professional Quidditch match, even in such a glorious fashion, but it was Wasps vs. Cannons, after all. Between that hack Bagman and the Cannons' typical play, that was a mere step above an exhibition match. The forfeit he would force would be far more memorable than another Cannons loss.
This was going to be so spectacular, even that new trainee Auror from France, Lupin, would have to be impressed, wouldn't he? He was a big Wasps fan, it seemed; he never missed a game, from what Sirius could pick up. Though he didn't seem the type to be impressed with showy, illegal interference with professional Quidditch, really. More the type to swoon if you quoted particularly apt passages of Virgil to him verbatim (in the original Latin, of course).
Sirius very much wanted to impress Lupin. From the moment he'd caught his distinctive golden hazel eyes from across the conference table during one of the interminable meetings he despised (he didn't become an Auror to sip coffee and talk over paperwork), he'd been fascinated by him. The man was quiet, but clearly a very powerful wizard and a fine Auror, if not as showy as some people (namely, himself and James). And he was bloody gorgeous, too, with those eyes and that hair, which looked like it would be soft and silky to the touch, not to mention his lush, kissable lips.
Exhilarated by the thrill of new love, as well as the brilliant prank he was about to pull, Sirius couldn't keep from shouting aloud. The rush of the spring breeze in his ears and the calls of birds were the only response.
Remus' new acquaintances, Peter and James, were clearly much bigger Quidditch fans than he was; they were paying close attention to the players warming up for the opening of the match, noting whose broom seemed to have a slight list and which Keeper looked in better form today.
Remus himself was not-so covertly staring across the pitch at the girl – Tonks, he reminded himself. She didn't seem to be enjoying herself anywhere near as much as she usually did at a match. By this point she was usually on her feet, shouting and whistling piercingly at the official. But today she sat quietly between Malfoy and Snape, and her hair didn't even seem as pink as usual; he supposed if she was a Metamorphmagus, as the Prewetts said, her mood could be affecting her appearance.
Surely one or two well-aimed Confundus charms wouldn't go amiss? Even if Malfoy and Snape were the darkest of dark wizards, they wouldn't be able to trace them back to him, would they? He reached into his pocket to pull out his wand, and discovered that there was already a hand in his pocket. Someone else's hand, which turned out to be attached to a shabby man who hadn't even the decency to look apologetic that Remus had caught him at it.
"Were you trying to steal my wand?" Remus growled.
"Wot? No, course not. I was merely hopin' to find a coupla loose sickles. I wouldn' steal nobody's wand!" The man looked genuinely offended that Remus would think him capable of such a thing, quite a feat when he had been caught red-handed.
"Do I look like the kind of fellow who has sickles to spare?" Remus asked.
"Well, maybe not, but your friends there, they looked well-off. Worth a shot." The man tried to extricate his hand, but Remus kept a firm grip on his wrist.
"Give me one good reason I should let you go."
"I can tell you somethin' that'll save the hides of those friends of yours."
"The Prewetts? They're in danger?"
"Hacked off a coupla Dark wizards, those two have. There's an ambush waitin' for 'em on their way home from the pub."
"I have to warn them! What pub are they at?"
"How should I know? Try the Hog's Head first, I say. Now lemme go?"
Remus reluctantly turned the man loose to try his hand a pick-pocketing a slightly less wary victim, and after a quick goodbye to James and Peter, who hardly seemed to notice, he Disapparated away with a crack.
James was probably the first to notice that something was amiss in Bagman's game, possibly even before Bagman. The first Bludger he tried to hit seemed to deflect off something and went careening off at exactly the wrong angle, forcing Wimbourne's other Beater out of position.
When it happened a second time, James grew suspicious. The third time, the Bludger headed straight for the Wasps' Keeper, but what was even more damning: James swore he could hear Sirius' voice, in snatches, from out on the pitch, taunting Bagman. Yes, he had definitely heard 'Ludicrous Ludo', and only Sirius called Bagman that.
"Peter! Peter! Sirius is on the pitch, under the Cloak, I swear."
Peter looked skeptical. "Not even Sirius would have the balls to interfere with a Quidditch match like that."
"Well then, explain that." For at that very moment, Sirius' luck ran out. A Cannons player had collided with him, confusing the player greatly and pulling aside the Cloak, revealing Sirius, seated on something invisible. James couldn't believe it. He was riding that ruddy flying motorbike, invisible, on a Quidditch pitch! It was insane! Impressive, though; Sirius could sure as hell fly, to have avoided colliding with a player sooner than he did.
The referee was now circling Sirius, wand drawn. Sirius looked as happy as James had ever seen him, as if he were out for a Sunday fly and not in the middle of illegally interfering with a professional Quidditch match. That was Sirius for you. Always up for anything, the crazier the better, and damn the consequences.
"Explain yourself!" the head official shouted.
"I don't like the way Ludo here plays," Sirius calmly announced, but loudly enough that James could hear him in the stands. "I'm simply attempting to improve his game."
"Well, you've made your point, you madman! Now kindly get off the pitch so the game can resume. We'll deal with you later."
"I'm not budging while Ludo's still playing. Unless he goes, I don't go."
"Are you crazy?" the captain of the Wasps, who had flown over to see what the matter was, asked. "We can't play with only one Beater!"
"You should listen to me," Sirius retorted. "Better one Beater than two, if one of them is this fool!" He made a rude gesture towards Bagman.
"So you refuse to leave?" the referee asked.
"I'm not going anywhere," Sirius replied, leaning back casually on the still-invisible motorbike.
"Then I am forced to declare this game a forfeit in favor of the Cannons!"
"What the bloody hell!" the Wasps' captain screamed, and the stands in general erupted into angry chaos, though the few Cannons fans in the stands were celebrating.
"Your home stadium, your job to control the fans, Petersen." The referee flew off, and most of the players on both teams followed her lead, leaving only Sirius to cheerily call out, "Better luck next time!" to their retreating backs.
Tonks had watched with carefully, if barely, concealed enthusiasm as her cousin Sirius, who must have bollocks of bloody steel, forced a forfeit of the Quidditch match. Several times a whoop of agreement or delight at something Sirius said nearly forced its way out of her, but the stony faces and disapproving comments of her two companions were enough to keep her silent.
She hated that she was even here with them, let alone concealing her feelings to keep them happy. She wished she could be more like Sirius, ready to say fuck you to the world if it got in the way of something he wanted to do. He'd been that way as long as she'd known him, ever since he'd run away from home. She'd barely met him before then, since his parents wouldn't associate with hers, but after that he was a frequent visitor to the Tonkses.
Sure, she might have pink hair and more than the usual number of piercings (and that alone was enough to upset her companions, she knew), but inside she still felt like the same obedient daughter who put on a jumper today because her mum had always said to dress in layers in the spring, in case the weather shifted. Even worse than cautious jumper-wearing, she was sitting here, as meek as a lamb, between two men she despised!
But even though she yearned to tell them both to bugger off, she couldn't. Not only did Malfoy practically run the whole Ministry, with his money and influence, but he and Snape were both dangerous Dark wizards, and Tonks wasn't sure she could afford to make them her enemies. She was doing her best just to keep them at arm's length and prevent them from carrying out whatever nefarious plan they had for her. She did this mostly by playing extremely dumb, which was actually pretty fun all on its own.
In a way, the manner in which Malfoy and Snape were treating her was only different from other wizards in degree, not kind. Lots of blokes stared at her; usually it was only the hair, but once they'd heard that she could change her appearance at will, the attention became more sinister. She could tell what they were thinking: she could be their fantasy woman, fulfill a different desire every night. And as some of the crudest had outright told her, she 'must be feckin' unbelievably flexible', too.
Lately there had been a new pair of eyes on her that weren't so degrading, though. She looked automatically across the stand to find her mystery man – Lupin, she'd found out through friends at the Ministry – but he had not returned from wherever he had disappeared to. He looked at her seriously, as though he was studying her like a book. She wondered if he read a lot of books; he had the air of a scholar, but her friend at the Ministry said he was an Auror trainee. She thought he was something of an enigma: an intellectual who was preparing for a life of battle and violence. A puzzle she'd like to get to know better, to figure out.
Her reverie was interrupted by a new outburst of venom from Malfoy. "It's a pity that Sirius Black is such a disgrace to his good, pure-blood name."
"Right you are, Lucius," Snape agreed.
"Not only does he dress like the most outlandish of Muggles," this with a side-long glance at her, "but I hear from very reliable sources that he practices unnatural vice!"
"No doubt. He was absolutely shameless about it at Hogwarts! One heard the most disgusting things about what he got up to."
Unnatural vice, indeed, thought Tonks. As if it was the most natural vice in the world to be attempting to bully a sweet young Metamorphmagus into marrying your lackey so you could have a free hand for Merlin knew what kinky fantasies. And if that wasn't hypocritical enough, Tonks had her own suspicions about Malfoy and Snape that would make this the pots calling the kettle black.
"If you ask me," Malfoy said carefully, "what he needs is for a respectable wizard to show him what's what."
"Certainly," Snape responded.
"And you're just the wizard to do it, Severus." Malfoy smiled sinisterly. Snape looked apprehensive, and no wonder. Eight times out of ten at Hogwarts, when he and Sirius had dueled, Sirius had won. Time to apply some of that feigned idiocy, Tonks decided, before he could find a way to wriggle out of this.
"I think that's a splendid idea!" she put in, trying to look as vacant as possible. "If we can't watch a Quidditch game, I'd love to watch a duel!"
"You heard the lady, Severus," Malfoy said. "Call Black over."
Sirius was hovering on the invisible something that Tonks suspected was his Muggle motorbike over by the opposite stands, probably talking to his mates James and Peter, but his ears pricked like a bloodhound when Snape approached the rail and shouted, "Oi, Black!"
"Something I can do for you, Snivellus?" he asked as he approached their position in the stands. "Wotcher, cuz," he added, winking at Tonks.
Snape took a deep breath. "Black, you are- you're a homosexual!" he spat.
Tonks used all the self-control she had left to keep from sniggering, and for once Malfoy seemed to have the same reaction as she.
"Yeah," Sirius calmly replied. "And?"
"And- well-"
"C'mon, Snivellus, even you can do better than that. At least call me a flaming homo, or a shirtlifter. And I am. I admit it. I'm as queer as a bronze galleon, poofier than a down pillow. I am an unabashed sodomite, and if you wanted to insult me, you'll have to try a lot harder than that. But all you wanted to do is get me to duel you, right?"
Snape seemed a bit unhappy at the way this was working out. "Well…"
"I'm happy to kick your arse any time, Snivellus, no provocation required. Shall we descend and handle this on solid ground, or can we take care of it here and now?"
"I can outhex you anywhere you please, Black. Stay on your flying apparatus, if it pleases you. You'll still lose." Snape was clearly eager to regain some of the face he had lost earlier.
"Fine by me. Tonks, if you'd do the honours? On your count of ten." Sirius flew back a short distance.
When she reached ten, the spells began to fly and it was quickly apparent that Snape was outclassed. He wouldn't even throw up a shield charm, probably out of some misplaced sense of honour, and so was having to dodge all the jinxes Sirius threw at him. While Snape single-mindedly tried to injure Sirius with some rather vicious curses, Sirius was nonchalantly deflecting them while peppering Snape with Jelly-Legs Jinxes and similar embarrassing, rather than painful, spells. He was toying with him, Tonks realized.
Finally, he seemed to grow tired of the game. Easily blocking Snape's snarled 'Diffindo' with a shield, he shouted 'Petrificus Totalus' and caught Snape completely out of position and unprepared.
"Take your lapdog home, Malfoy. He's obviously not ready to play with the real wizards yet," he told Malfoy, who looked livid with rage.
"You haven't heard the last of this, Black!" he spat as he dragged Snape's stiff body away.
Sirius unfroze him once they were a good hundred yards away, before turning his attention to her. "All right, cuz?"
Sirius was always glad to see his cousin Nymphadora – Tonks, she preferred, he reminded himself – since of all his many relatives, she seemed the one mostly likely to follow in his footsteps. He had heard she was considering the Auror program, but was worried because 'stealthy' wasn't exactly her middle name. Always tripping over things, if he remembered correctly.
He wondered why she was hanging around with Dark wizards like Malfoy and Snape, but remembered some gossip he'd heard floating about the Ministry about Malfoy's interest in a new girl "he'd never grow tired of," which he had found odd at the time; despite his marriage, Malfoy was out with a new gorgeous witch every night of the week. But if Malfoy was sniffing around his cousin, well, she could be all those witches and more. And if Tonks was worried about being accepted for Auror training, she wouldn't want to spit in the eye of such a powerful wizard.
Well, if she couldn't, Sirius would do it for her.
"All right, cuz?" he asked.
"Better now that you've driven those two gits off. That was bloody brilliant. Not just the duel, though I enjoyed watching you play with Snape, but the Quidditch stuff, too."
"I'm glad you liked it. Always nice to be appreciated by a kindred soul."
Tonks blushed at that. "So how'd you pull it off? Invisibility Cloak, obviously, but is that the motorbike you're on now?"
"Well now, to tell would be giving away a trade secret, dear cousin. But you've always been a very perceptive witch, I'll give you that." He winked at her.
"Oh, is that the way it is, then? I'm hurt that you won't trust me, your dearest relation, with your secrets."
"A bloke has to keep some secrets, doesn't he? But really, how've you been, Tonks?"
"That, Sirius, is a long story. And actually, we haven't had a long chat in a while. Could we get together tomorrow, maybe? I'd like to pick your brain about your fellow Aurors, as well."
"Sure, no problem. Hoping to get an edge on the application with some inside info, eh?"
"Something like that," she replied.
"You may be surprised to hear that there are some things I won't help you cheat at, and Auror training is one of them, but I'll see what I can do. How about tomorrow afternoon, around three, at Peter's shop?"
"Pettigrew's? I'll be there. Thanks, Sirius! You're the best."
"I am, aren't I?" he preened.
"Arrogant prat! Now get going; I think I see that friend of yours, Potter, waving for you from down below."
"S'not arrogance if you can prove it, cuz."
"Get out of here!" She waved him off with false exasperation, but she was grinning.
Sirius couldn't help but grin too as he guided the motorbike to a landing near James, who was standing by some sort of blossoming tree. "What happened to Peter, then?"
"Said he couldn't leave the shop unattended much longer. Second quick disappearance of the afternoon. First that Lupin bloke from the continent was sitting with us, but he popped off somewhere, and now Peter."
"Lupin?" Sirius asked, trying to sound only mildly interested.
"Yeah, Remus Lupin. Y'know, the one who went to Beauxbatons. Nondescript sort of fellow, with the brown hair-"
"- and the golden eyes, and the shabbily elegant wardrobe? Yeah, I've seen him around."
"'golden eyes'? Sounds like you've done a bit more than just see him around! You've been checking him out, haven't you?"
It was a beautiful day; the sun was shining down through the trees and the air smelt of growing things. Sirius had pulled of his most daring feat yet, and defeated Snivellus in a duel. He was in a good mood, so he decided to share a bit more with James than he normally would. A mood like this just had to be shared.
"It's more than just checking him out, James my friend, though he is gorgeous. I think I'm falling head over heels for the bloke."
"What? How? When? You've barely spoken to him! Is he even queer?"
"It's true we don't mix much at work, but I have listened to him when he talks to others, and from that I already know that he is serious, quiet, and intelligent, with a charmingly self-deprecating sense of humor. And he'll be a damn fine Auror, too. As for queer – well, I don't know yet, but I can hope, right?"
"I guess I always pictured you going for someone a bit … showier."
"Like myself, you mean? Well, not only is one of me more than enough for any relationship, just because I like to live large doesn't mean I don't appreciate the more serious side of things."
James groaned. "Tired old puns aside, you really have got it bad, haven't you? I suppose you've never done anything by halves, so why love?"
"Precisely, James, precisely."
He was just about to continue and see if James wanted to pop round to the pub and have a few celebratory rounds, when the Prewetts rushed up to them, looking only slightly the worse for Firewhiskey.
"Just the blokes we wanted to find," Gideon said.
"You fellas in the mood for a good fight?" Fabian asked.
"What's this, then?" James asked.
"Seems we hacked someone off but good when we managed to arrest that Lestrange woman last week," Gideon reported. "Anyway, we have it on good authority that they're planning to ambush us on our way home today."
"We were hoping that two such strapping lads and superb Aurors as yourselves wouldn't mind helping us take them out?"
"Normally we'd do it ourselves, but there'll be about a dozen of them, and we're a bit tipsy. Wouldn't want to risk it."
Sirius clapped them both on the back. "I'm in! Hell, we don't even need James here. I'm in such fine fettle today, I could take on three dozen dark wizards; a dozen'll be no trouble at all! Where're we Apparating to?"
"They're waiting somewhere between The Leaky Cauldron and our flat."
"Excellent. I'll see you there!" And Sirius Disapparated with a 'pop'.