The Candles
The Candles
2
Act 1: Tom's Diner
Jerry, George and Elaine are eating.
Elaine
You know, it's kind of weird I once dated a Russian, and now I'm dating a German. His name's Wilhelm Kandel
Jerry
Well first you dated a Communist, and now you're dating a Nazi. What's next, a Parliamentarian?
Elaine
No he's not a Nazi! He's a candle maker. Where's Kramer?
George
Well, you know Kramer. Always preoccupied with something. Get this, the girl I'm dating now, Jessica, is obsessed with cleanliness. She always insists that I take a shower before and after my dates with her. Every time we happen to see each other out on the street and she senses that I haven't taken a shower, she gets onto me. Every time I invite her over to my house, there can't be even a speck of dust around. I might have to break up with her.
Jerry
Well every time you have company you have to clean up, George. Even you should know that because of those crazy parents of yours.
George
Yeah, I guess so. I guess I'll give it one more shot. What about your date, Jerry?
Jerry
Oh, Elizabeth? She's probably one of the best dates I've ever had. She cooks my meals for me, doesn't care if I suck in my gut, doesn't whine or overload me with any of her problems. You name it, she does it.
Elaine
Well speaking from a woman's point of view, Jerry, she probably wants something big from you.
George
Well, I better get going. My parents are going to be playing Bingo at the nursing home tonight, and I better take my "date shower" for my date with Jessica.
Act 2, Scene A: Jerry's apartment
Jerry is "chilling", and Kramer comes bursting through the door.
Kramer
I've got it this time, Jerry! It's called "Kramer's Mystery Candles." It doesn't say what the scent is on the label. But if you guess it right, you win a prize!
Jerry
Kramer, that is the most absurd idea you've come up with!First of all, how are you going to afford all of the prizes? Second, there is no such thing as a "contest brand" of anything!
Kramer
Well people do like to win stuff.
Jerry
Well if you're that interested, Elaine's dating a candle maker. Maybe you can ask him.
Kramer
Will do. (Leaves)
Scene B: Elaine's apartment
Wilhelm
When my parents were children during WWII, they were always ostracized by their schoolmates in Gymnasium. People were always calling them Nazis, and saying "Heil Hitler!" as they walked past them.
Elaine (hugging Wilhelm)
Oh, I'm so sorry Wilhelm.
Wilhelm
That's okay. I'm over that now.
Kramer bursts in
Kramer
Hey, whoa! Am I interrupting something here, Elaine?
Elaine
No, Kramer, that's–
Kramer (interrupting Elaine)
Because if it is, I'll just LEAVE right now!
Elaine
No, Kramer. Here let me introduce you to my boyfriend. Wilhelm, this is Cosmo Kramer, Kramer, this is Wilhelm Kandel, a candle maker.
Wilhelm and Kramer shake hands
Kramer
You know Willie, I've been thinking about inventing some candles. Maybe you can help me out, huh?
Wilhelm
Sure, Cosmo. I only ask 10 of the profits.
Kramer
Done, and done. You know what, a candle maker named Kandel? That's like a pimp named Hooker.
Wilhelm
My mother was a prostitute for 13 years to put food on the table because my father was killed by some stupid Americans who thought he was a Nazi.
Kramer
Oh, sorry Willie. (To Elaine) See you around, Elaine. (To Wilhelm) Nice to meet you, Wilhelm.
Wilhelm
I'll get on our project as soon as possible, Kramer.
Scene C: George's house in the bathroom
George has just gotten out of the shower, has a towel on and brushing his teeth.
George
Spits out toothpaste. Now for some deodorant.
George is looking around the counter top. I could have sworn, it-it was right here. I just bought some yesterday.
Thrashes around in the cabinets below the counter top. WHERE IS IT! WHERE IS IT! WHERE IS IT!
Finds a basket and throws its contents on the ground: WHERE IS IT!
George finds some "Ban for Women" deodorant on the floor.
George
Well, it's better than none!
George then raises his arm to apply the deodorant, looks away with the same disgusted face
Show the outside of George's house
George
(screams)
Scene D: In a candle factory where Wilhelm works
Wilhelm is mixing some chemicals in a jar. He then rubs his hands together with an evil smile, and laughs an evil laugh.
Wilhelm
That Kramer. Thinks he's so big making fun of my mother. Well just call me Dr. Josef Mengele.
Scene E: Jerry's house with his date with Elizabeth
Jerry
Well Elizabeth, what shall you cook for me today?
Elizabeth
Whatever you say, Master.
Jerry
Well, let's have some macaroni and cheese, steak, with hot dogs, and hamburgers. And I want it home-cooked! All of it!
Scene F: George's house
George and Elizabeth are in George's bed.
George
Oh man, that was so good. That was great, Jessica.
Jessica
You know, I've noticed that there is a speck of dust on that TV over there, but since you vacuumed twice for me, I guess I'll overlook that.
Jessica starts to sniff.
Jessica
George, are you wearing women's deodorant?
George
No, (chuckles nervously), why?
Jessica pulls George's armpit up, and smells it.
Jessica
You are! I thought you smelled like a woman while we were making love.
Jessica slaps George, and leaves.
George
Well, at least you didn't have to smell sweat!
Mr. and Mrs. Costanza come in the front door.
Estelle
I was one space away from getting a full house, and you had to remove half of my tiles, Frank!
Frank
Estelle, you are so paranoid! I was sitting ten chairs from you! How could I take some of your tiles without getting caught!
George (calling from his room)
Hi Ma. Hi Pa.
Mrs. Costanza goes into the bathroom and notices her deodorant on the counter. She lifts the lid and sees some armpit hairs on it.
Estelle
Frank, you didn't use any of my deodorant did you? I found some hairs on it.
Frank
No woman! You know I'm not hairy. Even if I was, I used up all of my deodorant today and bought some on the way back.
Estelle and Frank run into George's room to confront him.
Estelle
George, did you use my deodorant?
George
Ma, I...
Frank
I cannot believe it! My own son? A transvestite? I thought we raised you better than that!
George
Well Dad, don't you wear a bra?
Frank
It's called the manssiere! And I quit wearing that a long time ago! Just for that and arguing with us, I'm kicking you out of the house until you can come back to your senses.
Frank pulls George out of bed by his ear, then throws him out of the house while George has nothing but boxer shorts on.
Act 3 Scene A: Tom's Diner
George and Jerry are eating at Tom's.
Jerry
So you were making love to Jessica, and she smells your armpit?
George
Yeah, then she walks out, then my parents literally threw me out of the house when Ma found out about the deodorant.
Jerry
What did you do for the rest of the night?
George
I beat up some poor homeless person for his clothes, then I went over to Kramer's house. Later tonight when my parents are gone, I'm going to go home to get some of my clothes out of my closet, return these bum clothes, then I'm going to stay at Kramer's house for a while.
Jerry
Those are bum clothes? You know, you could have asked to borrow some of Kramer's clothes.
George
Kramer's clothes? Those clothes are too skinny for me! They make me look fat! Plus you might as well wear clothes you washed in the sewer.
Jerry
Oh yeah, I never thought about that. You know, that's pretty disgusting sniffing somebody's armpit. I heard that's how they test deodorants. Shoe deodorizers too.
Kramer comes in with a bag in his hand
George
Hey Kramer, thanks for letting me stay at your house.
Kramer
No problemo Jorge. Don't even worry about rent because of that candle deal I have.
George
What candle deal?
Jerry
Oh, it's another one of Kramer's crazy ideas, you wouldn't be interested.
Kramer
These candles. I got them just now. If people can guess the smell of the candle, they win a prize. Want one Jerry? It's free.
Jerry
Sure why not? I guess I'll use it during my date with Elizabeth.
Scene B: Elaine's Apartment
Wilhelm
That Kramer, I hate him so much. I played a trick on him. Those candles he made me make, they smell like poo.
Elaine
Yeah, I know. Jerry, George and Kramer once did "The Voice" and it sounded just like when you said "smell like poo." It drove me nuts. (grabs Wilhelm by the shirt) And if you ever say that phrase again I'll kill you! Do you understand me?
Wilhelm
Jawol. Crystal clear.
Elaine
Good. Now I'm going to go to the bathroom, and don't let me hear that phrase again while I'm in the bathroom.
Elaine leaves to go to the bathroom
Wilhelm
Smells like poo. (Laughs)
Elaine
I heard that!
Elaine comes out of the bathroom, there's a knock on the door, and Elaine answers it.
Policewoman at the door
Good afternoon ma'am, I'm Private Inspector Margot Kandel. (Shows Elaine her badge.)
Wilhelm hides in the bathroom.
Elaine
Oh, hello Officer, what's wrong?
Officer Kandel
We have reports of a fugitive being held here. Do you recognize this man? (shows Elaine a picture of Wilhelm)
Elaine (V.O)
What is this woman doing? Trying to take my man away from me, that's what!
Elaine
No, Officer, he's not here. Never heard of this man.
Officer Kandel
Well, if you think of anything, here's my card. (gives Elaine her business card). Feel free to contact me anytime.
Elaine
Oh, thanks. I hope you crack the case of whatever it is.
Officer Kandel
Thanks for your time.
The officer leaves and Elaine closes the door.
Wilhelm comes out of the bathroom.
Wilhelm
Don't go in there Elaine. Smells like poo!
Elaine runs over to Wilhelm and slaps him a couple of times.
Elaine
Did I tell you that I like toilet humor?
Wilhelm
No
Elaine
Did I tell you that voice turns me on?
Wilhelm
No
Elaine
Then get out of my apartment! I'm through with you!
Wilhelm leaves
Scene C: Kramer's Apartment
George
I'm kind of glad that my parents kicked me out of the house. It's nice not to listen to hear them yell, scream and argue.
Kramer
Yeah, you said it buddy. Your parents are a bunch of queers. Say, do you want to try one of my candles?
George
Sure, why not?
Kramer goes into the kitchen to get some matches, then goes into the living room to get a candle. Kramer lights a match, and it burns his thumb, so he throws it on the ground, stomps on it and sucks his thumb.
George
Awww. Does Baby Cosmo's thumb hurt?
Kramer
Shut up George.
Kramer tries for a second time to light the candle and succeeds.
Kramer
You know there's nothing like a good old candle to help your house smell good.
George and Kramer start to get wide-eyed.
George
What the heck is that smell?
Kramer
It smells like crap George.
George
Oh my gosh it is crap! Where's the toilet!
Kramer
Oh, no, I'm the owner of this house. You're just renting.
George
You said I'll stay here for free.
Kramer
Well I guess I lied.
Scene C: Jerry's Apartment
Elizabeth
So, Jerry, do you want regular chicken or spicy?
Jerry
How about you make both of them, slave! Laughs evilly
Elizabeth
Sure, whatever you say boss.
Jerry lights one of Kramer's candles, and goes over to Elizabeth.
Jerry
You know what I like about you Elizabeth? You know how to please a man.
Jerry begins to kiss her but stops because he smells the candle.
Elizabeth
What is that smell? Is that sewerage?
Jerry
I don't know, I...
Elizabeth(cuts him off)
I might be really manipulative Jerry, but one thing I will not stand for is a house that smells like crap!
Elizabeth slaps him and leaves.
Kramer and George come running into Jerry's house
Kramer
Those candles that Wilhelm helped make–they smell like crap!
Jerry
Well tell me something I don't know, Kramer. You gave me one of these candles too.
Kramer
Oh yeah, I forgot. Oh man! Now I can smell your candle.
George
Alright, now let's calm down! Let's go outside to get away from all of this crap!
Jerry
We'll have to check into a motel somewhere. I can't live in a stinky apartment!
George
My parents kicked me out of the house, so I'll have to go too.
Act 4: Scene A–Tom's Diner
Jerry and the group are eating.
Elaine
You know, it's the weirdest thing yesterday, a cop showed up at my apartment yesterday, and wanted to talk to Wilhelm.
Jerry
Well Elaine, you've always had a taste for bad boys didn't you? You dated me.
Elaine
You're bad? That's like saying Ghandi was the worst mass murderer in history.
Jerry
Well your boyfriend Wilhelm commited white collar crime. Those candles that he made smell like sewerage. Now George, Kramer and I are living in a hotel.
Elaine
Wait a minute–that cop, her name was Kandel too! Wilhelm was using me to cheat on her. Not only that, he used that same voice all of you made up, and he used it bragging about the candles. Man, that's so irritating!
Jerry(in "the voice)
Smells like poo! Ha, ha, ha!
George
Smells like poo! Ha, ha, ha!
Kramer
Smells like poo! Ha, ha, ha!
Elaine
That's enough! One more outburst, and I'm out of here!
Jerry
I've always wondered if Superman used Wonder Woman to cheat on Lois Lane.
George
Probably, since Superman and Wonder Woman aren't human and Lois is. Kramer
Hey Elaine, do you want to get revenge on Wilhelm too?
Elaine
Sure, why not. I still have that business card from the cop, I'll go call her right now. (Leaves to use the pay phone)
George
I say that we do exactly what he did to us!
Jerry
No, the cop will probably arrest us for taking the law into our hands.
Elaine
comes back Well, we have an appointment with Officer Kandel at 3:00.
George
Hey Kramer, do you still have some of those candles? I might have a use for them.
Kramer
What for?
Scene B: The Costanzas' house
Frank
(hugging Estelle) Oh, my love, I love you like chocolate.
Estelle
Now that George is gone, we can finally have some time to ourselves again.
Frank
Great! I'll pour us some champagne, and put on some Tony Bennett.
Estelle
I'll light some candles to put us in the mood. Lights a candle.
George is outside looking in his house with binoculars giggling.
Frank is dancing with Estelle with a wine glass in his hand.
Frank sniffs.
Frank
What is that despicable smell? Is that sewerage? Did you bring home another stray cat!
Estelle
No, I'm allergic to cats. I don't know where it's coming from. The plumbing is fine, and...oh my gosh, it's the candle!
The phone rings, and Frank answers it.
Frank
Hello?
George (on the phone)
Hello, Pa. Did you like the Christmas gift I sent you?
Frank
You did this? Why!
George
Because you kicked me out of the house for no reason.
Frank
Yes, I did have a reason. You put on your mother's deodorant.
George
Did it ever occur to you that I ran out of my own?
Frank
Well you could have bought some of your own, George.
George
Look, the point is that if you don't let me back in the house, I will let that candle burn, and if you blow it out, I will have you arrested for child endangerment.
Frank
What? You're an adult!
George
Well you kicked your own child out of the house naked.
Frank
Okay, you got me. Come back home George.
George
Don't blow out the candle until I come in the house
Hangs up.
Frank
Estelle I'm sorry, but I have to let George back home.
Estelle
Why? That's not the man I married. The man I married would not suck up.
Frank
George was going to turn me into the police for kicking him out of the house.
George comes in the door.
George
If any of you ever do anything like that to me again, let me remind you, I still have the candle. Blows the candle out, and takes it to his room.
Scene C: The Police Department
Officer Kandel
Hello, Ms. Benes. How can I help you today?
Elaine
My friends have candles tainted by your husband, and would like to turn him in.
Officer Kandel
How did you know he was my husband?
Elaine
The last name.
Ofc. Kandel
So you do know him! I thought that was him in your apartment. That's obstruction of justice.
Jerry
But he cheated on you, Officer! Don't you want revenge?
Ofc. Kandel
Okay! Now where are those candles?
Kramer gives her the candles.
Wilhelm comes in the door and gets down on his knees before his wife.
Ofc. Kandel
Look what the cat dragged in.
Wilhelm
Margot, I'm sorry that I cheated on you. Will you forgive me?
Ofc. Kandel
I forgave you so many times, I've lost count, and it's not even funny anymore. Now, it's your turn to get screwed.
Act 4: In prison
Prisoner (to Wilhelm who's cell is beside his)
Hey, Oscar Schindler. Oscar Schindler. Talk to me, boy. I know you're there, I hear you breathing. Don't you listen to these nitwits, do you hear me? This place ain't so bad.
Wilhelm
No!
Prisoner
Tell you what, I'll introduce you around, make you feel right at home. I know a couple of bull queer WWI and WWII veterans that would just love to make your acquaintance. Especially that big German butt of yours.
Wilhelm (sobbing)
No! No! I don't belong here! I want to go home! I want my wife! I want to go back to Germany!
Prisoner
And it's Oscar Schindler by a nose!