Vague Summary. Eyebrow Raise. Mild Interest. Spelling Mistake. Flounce.
This is a story for xrxdanixrx, tkegl (who giggled), karry4harry, and all the lovely ladies of the 'erks' board on Twilighted. You know who you are ;)
A/N: K, guys so dis is mah unbeta'd authors note. Coz I can't write good wivout my beta. Thx babe!
Just letting u all noe that this story WILL have a HEA – ya know, a happily ever after. Sorry if dat spoiled it!
Jessica is sitting at her computer, eagerly scrolling through the fanfiction recent update list. She hopes for a good story, and looks desperately for a summary that piques her interest. Jessica knows that her search is most likely in vain, because most readers know that it's rare to find anything worth reading there, but she plows on, unable to admit that her search is anything but fruitless.
Jessica is a self-insert, and a really obvious one at that. Her hair is beautiful, long and brown, and her eyes are deep, chocolate orbs. Her beauty has been known to make grown men weep, though if you asked her, she would deny it, because she is also very modest. Even rarer for a self-insert, Jessica is extremely smart, and doesn't struggle with schoolwork at all. She has plenty of friends, and all the guys at school totes want her (Unnecessary A/N: OMG I know, right?). She is a Mary-Sue of the best quality, and the author has even bestowed her own name upon our protagonist, just to underline how many of these great qualities she herself possesses.
UNINTENTIONAL TENSE CHANGE.
Jessica knew that the best way to find a quality fiction was to get recommendations from other readers, but today, Jessica was feeling a little on the wild side. This was probably because another one of her virtues was that she could maintain the perfect balance between spontaneity and recklessness. She couldn't wait to meet Edward, because let's face it, such an obvious self-insert would most definitely meet Edward and fall in love. Bella wouldn't be an issue, because she's mysteriously not in this story, with no explanation. In fact, Jessica somehow possessed many of Bella's most distinguishable qualities, purely to confuse the reader more than they were already.
Jessica craved the characters she knew and loved so well; Carlile, Esme, Rosalie, Emmet, and Jassper. Jessica could just imagine doing stereotypical things with them; getting picked on by Emmet, Carlile fixing up her injuries (poor girl, her only flaw is clumsiness!), and listening to Jassper talk about the Civil War. She knew that Alice would be her best friend, and take her shopping (U/A/N: How lucky! Eek!), but Jessica would moan and complain the whole way, because she didn't believe that she deserved it. Even hanging out with Rosalie (who would be a total bitch) was exciting.
She sighed, and ran her hand through her perfectly curled hair. Her search was so fruitless today! The author knew that she had to take drastic action, as her plotline was dwindling, and she needed to create some unnecessary drama to drag out the storyline.
Jessica began feeling sleepy, and drifted off into an eerily prophetic dream…
Edward put his hands on her waste, and murmured with his velvet voice into her ear, "I will always love you, love, and I'm only doing this because you asked me…love." Just the sound of his voice was enough to make Jessica wet her panties, like a gush form a tap. She ran to change them quickly, before dashing back to her beloved.
She spent a moment trying to work out whether the dream was AU, or AU Human, before realizing she didn't know where she was.
"Where are we?" Jessica asked.
Edward smiled, crookedly. "We are in your exotic home in India, my Bella...er…Jessica."
Jessica frowned, creating a tiny crease between her eyes. "But it's snowing Edward!"
Edward sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "The author didn't research this part of the story properly."
"Oh." Jessica replied. The author finally decided that it's an AU Human story, and that it needs some smut to get more reviews. Some unrequited love wouldn't hurt too, and suddenly, human Edward had loved Jessica since they were newborn babies. The thought of their life-long love was enough to make Jessica wet her panties with desire again, and she ran to change them, before coming back.
They kissed with passion, and Jessica felt like she was connecting with Edward's soul (U/A/N: Awww, I know, right?).
Edward unbuttoned her blouse, demonstrating what a perfect gentleman he was. Poor Jessica wished that he would be more passionate; it was a human story after all. As if Edward could read her mind, he ripped off her clothes, and gazed upon the beauty that was her body. Such perfect breasts! What creamy skin! Oh, and her perfectly waxed pussy, calling to him, like a moth to a flame! Edward had to have her, regardless of their lack of chemistry.
Jessica became impatient (but with grace, of course), and ripped off Edward's clothes. Before Jessica could bask in the gloriousness that was his body, her eyes were drawn to his appendage.
"Edward!" she gasped, covering her mouth. "It's huge!" Jessica stared at what could only be described as a monster cock. It was colossal, and yet beautiful at the same time. Jessica gaped at it, trying to imagine how it would fit inside her tiny virginal pussy.
"I'm going to fuck you unconscious, baby," Edward grunted, grabbing Jessica and preparing to thrust. Jessica momentarily wondered why Edward's demeanour had changed so suddenly, before realizing that every good story needed a Doucheward.
Edward thrust his monster cock inside her. "Ooh, baby, you're so tight."
Jessica felt somehow flattered that her pussy hugged Edward's cock so perfectly, like they were made for each other.
Edward began to thrust, harder and harder. "Come for me, baby."
And she did, on command. It was pure bliss, like Heaven and Earth came together in perfect unison. She shuddered and convulsed, and gripped his tousled bronze hair. In fact, Jessica could hear angels singing, and was surprised that sex was so wonderful the first time. Edward brought Jessica to orgasm, again, and again, and again. He then poured his love juice into her, groaning in ecstasy.
They then proceeded to have sex multiple times over the course of six hours, disregarding the fact that Jessica was a virginal flower, because Edward was just such a stud in the sack. (U/A/N: LOL!1!) She slurped his monster cock down her throat, swallowing his cum with glee, and Edward snacked on her perfect pussy, disregarding the fact that they had been bonking for hours straight. The author's lemon became sloppy and clichéd, but who cared? It was still getting reviews!
Over the next few days, Jessica began having morning sickness, and other pregnancy related things that were poorly researched, and poorly foreshadowed.
A couple of weeks later, the author had a revelation that she needed another plot device to create drama. Jessica suddenly became pregnant from that first sexual encounter. Instead of telling Edward straight away, thus giving him a chance to actually resolve the issue, Jessica decided to run away. Edward, being the gentleman he was, chased after her, ringing fourteen different relatives, buying her three cars, and jumping up and down on the spot in an effort to get her back.
After finally getting into contact with Jessica through Alice (the obvious place to start, of course), Edward had trouble dealing with Jessica's news.
"Edward," Jessica tearfully cried, "I'm pregnant!"
Edward glared at her, trying to lie about his true feelings for her. "I can't fight my true nature. I don't want you." Then he left Jessica alone in the woods.
Suddenly, the dream was purely AU, and Jessica knew what she had to do to save her unborn (yet hybrid) child. She had to go to the Volturi…
Jessica sat up from her desk, and shuttered. Thank God it was all a dream, even if it borders on prophetic. If she had slept any longer, no doubt there would have been interference from that STUPID, SLUTTY WHORE Tanya, or that WIFE BEATING, CHILD MOLESTING, RAPIST & CRIMINAL Jacob. Jessica had always hated those characters in the original series by Stephanie Myer, and both her and the author (who were sort of the same person) had no problem with bashing them in fan fiction. Bella x Jacob pairings were enough to make Jessica loose her mind.
The author became sick of the story, and instead of following the plot to its completion, she decided to cut it off at the knees. She knew that her protagonist, the self-insert/Mary-Sue Jessica was bordering on being, well, just the author, and everybody hated Real Person Fiction. If the author had the inclination, she probably could have written some fluff to pad out the rest of the story, from multiple POVs, filled with weddings and birthdays and romantic dates, but today, the author decided to try the opposite end of the 'story length' spectrum.
Jessica opened up "Recently Added" stories again on , and clicked to page 16, where she found a promising, yet vague summary.
"Devastation. Anger. Hope. Can Bella and Edward's relationship survive?"
Intrigued, Jessica clicked, hoping for a more detailed summary upon loading. Alas, no such luck. It was a song fiction, with a link to the video clip, and lyrics dispersed throughout the page. This wouldn't normally be a problem, but the song was obscure, and Jessica had no idea of what tone the story was trying to convey. She persevered.
But finally the last straw; the story Jessica was reading used 'accept' instead of 'except'. It was too much. Such poor grammar! Such poor spelling! She had to flounce.
This was not enough though. Jessica had to go back and leave an anonymous review, flaming them and telling them just exactly how bad their story was.
This was still not enough; the author of this particular story had promised a happy ending, and a happy ending the readers shall receive.
Jessica hopped onto the Twilighted forum, and opened up the "What erks you in fandom?" thread. Jessica spewed forth a post full of vitrol and hate, yet carefully veiled it to hide the specifics of the story that injured her so. Others on the forum agreed, and Jessica felt validated by their acceptance. All was well in fandom.
A/N. OMG! Wat did u think guys? Read and Review! Im only gonna update if I get 250 reviews, BUT NO FLAMES. Only luv
My real AN - I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it...let me know your favourite cliche, or if there's anything you think I missed. I tried to get them all! Jess xo