I hated myself.
There were no other words to describe the way I was feeling.
I flipped the lightswitch to the dressing rooms. Thankfully I had arrived early. I walked over to the only neat mirror and dresser in the room. My mother had always taught me that "cleanliness is close to Godliness, Isabella". I could still remember her words..exactly the way she smelt...the way she looked. She was my role model. The perfect woman. She was a teacher...a mother...a loving wife.
I sat down at the mirror and brushed my dull brown hair. A soft sob went through me as I thought about my mother. What the hell would she think of me now?
I looked like death.
My hair like I had said was dull brown...lifeless..my eyes were sunken in. They were circled with black. Not only from lack of sleep but also the heavy amount of eyeliner i always sported. I was probably trying to hide myself...the old me..Our eyes were the same color..my mom and I.
The door burst open as other girls started showing up. Laughter, talk about sexual encounters with their men or other women's men, or even women. I could feel myself scowling. I don't belong here. But I AM here.
the soft beat of music filled my ears. It was time. And I was on first. I rolled up my fishnet thigh high and stood up and looked at myself one last time before heading out. Dark green bikini, thigh high fishnets, and black peep toe platforms...I looked like the common whore. Perfect for this place..
I walked out the entryway and into the hallway..men were shouting at the top of their lungs. I could hear the voice of Carlisle Cullen on the speaker. The owner of Rouge.
I stopped at the red velvet curtain.
"...I'm SURE this little doe is the reason you're all here tonight! First up we have your favorite little cocktease...Isabella!"
I closed my eyes for a second and tried to block out all of the loud whistling and yelling..i took a deep breath and went through. My first song of the night started blasting and green lights enveloped my body. My favorite thing when growing up was playing make believe...or pretend with my mother. Just close your eyes. pretend you're somewhere else...
she spread herself wide open to let the insects in
she leaves a trail of honey to show me where she's been
she has the blood of reptile just underneath her skin
seeds from a thousand others drip down from within
oh my beautiful liar
oh my precious whore
my disease my infection
I am so impure
top untied.
the music was my only savior. It was my door to escape through.
So I did what I always would do.
top off
get it
devils speak of the ways in which she'll manifest
angels bleed from the tainted touch of my caress
need to contaminate to alleviate this loneliness
I now know the depths I reach are limitless
I closed my eyes and pretended.
twirl
another night will be over soon
bend over
time will continue to pass
bottoms off
oh my beautiful liar
oh my precious whore
my disease my infection
I am so impure
the numbness will continue to seep through my veins.
pose
listening to the atrocious sounds the men were making made my entire body shiver.
I bent down and started gathering up my money...my sole purpose for being here...
when i fisted the last bit of money up i turned to leave...when i did my eyes met with the greenest eyes i have ever seen...sitting in the pit at the end of the stage was a man i've never seen before...wearing the biggest smirk known to man and smoking a cigar...
rich blood no doubt.
He leaned forward just a bit and handed me a one hundred dollar bill and winked at me. I watched him smirk again before I hesitantly stood up and walked away...when I looked back he was gone.