Characters: Ellen and Saul
Rating: T
Summary: Enter the mind of Ellen; her reasons, her thoughts… then pull back.
Author's Notes: A random one-shot drabble inspired by Exodus, part 2, season 2; and as such has spoilers if you have yet to make it that far. The results of insomnia and a surprisingly emotional muse. Edited: 3/23/07. I do not own Battlestar Galatica. Let me know what you think; the good, the bad, the flame... I'll take it all.

I had to tell you.

I had to tell you. Knew something was going to change, that it was my fault, knew that blood was on my hands because I wanted you to live. I had no choice, I did everything to keep you alive. I would do it again, Saul. Redo everything in a fracking heartbeat; without hesitation, without doubt, and without tears if you let me. All that matters are your warm arms that hold me, your steady heartbeat against my ear, the breath you take.

We were never made for words, you or I, and our conversations were always short. I fear my words, now that I have something you need to hear, I fear they are muddled.

There is a heaviness to my limbs and everything is being masked in a cloud of gray. I want you to understand. To fully understand that I'm sorry, that I love you.

I'm so weary. Tired. Exhausted. I don't know how to fix this, Saul. How to make you whole, how to comfort you. You've always been there for me, ever since we met you've been my strength, my weakness.

I wonder where I'll end up, where the God of the Underworld will place my soul once this life is over. You belong in the Elysian Fields, planning your battles with Adama. I fear my soul will traverse Acheron, the river of sorrow, only to come at rest in Tartarus. How much time do we have left? How many more memories can we make before this life is over?

The world is drifting, spinning, dieing. There is no more warmth, not from your arms or tea.

But then I hear it, your words. You sill love me. After everything I've done, after all the tricks and lies. You said it again, and I can feel a smile forming on chapped lips.

You love me… I am at peace.

There was a broken silence in the underground, time staggered to a halt. Mocking the pain a cup rolled upon the ground, and he would have smashed it while cursing the weak minded slithering fool of a president and every skinjob to ever have been manufactured… if he could let go. If he could just let go and find the energy, the will.

There was a broken silence in the underground as time staggered to a halt. A man sat rocking the still body of his love, a traitor's death and he the judge.

There was a broken silence in the underground and time staggered to a halt, but there were people coming and things to do. A broken man stood, grasping the anger, and decided to use it.