Memory of a distant girl

It's funny when you stop and look back into your life. So many things happen…little experiences…and there are others that stay with us though, a first kiss, a first job, our last day of high school, our first moments with someone close.

She had hair just past her shoulders and those beautiful brown eyes. Afterall, I hadn't had a girlfriend before and I knew she'd never had a boyfriend. She was just a memory now….

I lived an avenue over from her, back then. We never really talked at first... We knew each other through school and sometimes saw each other walking our seperate ways. It was in grade 4 or 5, on a bright clear day, I was walking home my usual way, when she came up to me. "Hi," she said casually, though her cheeks blushed a little. "How was your day"
I was tired and it was a warm afternoon. Her hair blew silently in the wind Suddenly I realized she was waiting for a reply, as she walked beside me. "Uh.h... fine," I replied, feeling a bit stupid. Then she giggled and it was all okay. She walked beside me as if she always had and we talked about nothing for a while.

We reached the two crossings, one way leading to her street, the other my own. "Well, I'll see ya later!" she said happily and with a wave, she walked down her own road. Not really sure what had happened on that short walk, I watched her walk away and after a few moments, smiled. I guess I'll see you later too.

The next morning, she was on my mind. I was surprised when I saw her waiting for me at the road crossings. "Hi," she said simply.
We didn't have any classes together. So I didn't see her through the day, though I thought of her. Sure enough, that afternoon, she and I walked home together. This time, when we got to the road crossing, I walked beside her, until we reached her house. With another happy goodbye, I walked from her house to my own.

For the next two weeks, she and I continued to walk to and from school together. We didn't see each other on the weekends - we were friends, but we were still of opposite genders and both aware of it. What would she say if I asked her to come over? The holidays were coming up and we had about two weeks off.

On the Friday of the last week, I walked her again back to her house again. "Well, I guess I'll see you next term!" she said smiling…
"Hey," I began, not really sure what I wanted to say. She turned around at the door. That hair, it was swaying again, just slightly, gently, in the breeze. Such beautiful eyes. I'll never forget how she looked.

"What's up?" she asked, grinning.
"How'd you like to come round in the holidays? Maybe, next week?" I blurted, blushing as I said it. I felt so lame in that moment. I was sure she was going to say no, call me stupid, tell me to wait until next term, to go away. I was about to turn away, feeling like an idiot.
"Sure," she said, still grinning. "Come over and get me on Tuesday, okay?" she turned and went inside.

The days couldn't go fast enough. It was Saturday. It was Sunday. It was Monday. I was thinking about her a lot - yet, it wasn't a crush. I didn't wish to kiss her. I wanted to know her better, to play games, to have fun! And on Tuesday, when the day finally came I was nervous….

The morning was a bit chilly... Summer had given way to early autumn now and the days were crisper. Outside her house, I felt awkward. What if she wasn't home? What if her parents told me to go away? What if she had changed her mind? I paced. It was 10 am when I started pacing. What if she doesn't like my house? What if my dog scares her? Finally, at 10:30 am, I stopped. I walked as confidently up to the door as I could(which wasn't really confident at all ) and knocked.

Beside the doorway was a large bush, hiding part of the side of the house. The garden surrounded by the fence in front of the house was pretty simple, but effective. Someone obviously cared how it appeared. When no one came, I knocked again. What if I annoyed her by knocking too much?

The door opened and I stepped back, surprised. "Hey," she giggled, seeing my surprise. "Sorry for the wait, I was getting my shoes on."

The details of the day are blurred with time... such a memory, to die away was years go by. I remember clearly we had played around on the trampoline, played on the playstation and spent a lot of time talking. The day had gone so quickly and no sooner had we been going into my house through the front door that we were walking out again, laughing and chatting with an ease I felt with none of my other friends.

Outside her house once more, I felt weird and nervous…again. We didn't looking into each other's eyes. "Tell you what," she said, grabbing my hand in both of hers, "next time, you can come to my house! I've got a trampoline too!" With that, she walked to the door and opened it. "Bye!" she said with a smile and then closed it behind her.

It turned out 'next time' was going to be on Friday of that week, like last time, I walked over pretty early. I knocked the door with more confidence. She opened the door quickly and shut it as soon as she waled out of her house…Putting a finger to her lips to tell me to keep quiet, she walked me down her front doorsteps to the side of the house, where she opened the gate and we went into the backyard. I gave her a questioning look and she shrugged.

Like the last time, the day seemed to fly by. We had spent the morning at her house... mainly out the back, on the trampoline, talking and flirting, but we didn't see it like that. Later, we had gone to my place... A small book of mine, with a lock on it, became the main part of a game. Fascinated, she wished nothing but to see what I kept inside the book. Ignoring the attempts to take it off me I refused to let her see it. I remember her laughter as we held hands and raced through the house, each trying to get to the book before the other.

The day came to an end again and I walked her home, as usual. After a cheery goodbye, we made no plans for meeting up again and I went home, thinking about all the secrets we had shared, the things we'd done, the fun we'd had. It was now deep in autumn.

A week passed and I heard nothing from her. I talked and played with other friends, playing computer games and reading books. It was the final Friday of the holidays and I went over, uninvited, to her house to see her. For some reason I was feeling more confident than anytime before. I knocked on the door. Quickly she opened the door. Instead of 'Hello', I mumbled a "Hunh," looking her up and down in her pyjamas.

"Hey," she said, in a tired sort of expression. "Give me a moment…ill get changed".

She lead me inside and sat me down before racing upstairs…

After a short while, I looked up to see her coming down the stairs. She noticed me staring "What?" she asked, blushing a little.
"Nothing," I chuckled softly, looking away. She looked at me suspiciously.

"What shall we do today?"

We went to my place and after mucking around for a bit, went upstairs into one of the spare rooms, where we played the playstation for a bit. Getting bored with that, we started playing truth or dare, mostly picking truth. "What we should do," she said, her eyes not quite meeting mine, "is play a kissing game. It's so funny. The rules are simple. The first person tells the other to kiss something - anything - in the room, then they have to"
My heart started beating faster. What was this? Why was my heart beating so fast….what was this……………..

I was sitting on a spare bed beside her, when I realized that I did have a crush on her. You're a moron, I thought to myself . This was stupid.

She looked at me shyly

My heart melted in those eyes. "I was just being silly, we don't have to play that," she said a little more highly than normal, laughing sheepishly. "It was a stupid idea anyway!"

"It's okay," I said, grinning. She took confidence from it.
"Alright," she said and then pointed at the wardrobe. "Kiss it!" she giggled.

For a while, we played the silly game, keenly aware of why we were playing it, but both denying it. We kissed almost everything in the room - the chair, the bed, floor, mirror, window, all the walls, TV, playstation... the list went on. Suddenly though, the game stopped. She sat on the edge of the bed and I sat next to her, neither of us looking at each other. For some reason I wordlessly, leant over to her and placing my left hand gently on the back of her head, I kissed her lightly on the cheek, then sat back, where I had been before.

Despite the silence, my head was spinning. Should I have done that? Did I read the signals wrong? Is this game stupid or what? What happens now? After a couple of moments, the blushing girl stood and turned to look me up and down. I gave her a half smile but my blood ran cold when I saw there was no feeling behind her smile. "I think I better go home now," she said, her voice quiet and a little shaky.

Barely waiting for me to walk behind her, she went down the stairs and out the front door but then at the gate, turned to me and held my hands in hers. I was suprised to see the distressed look on her face. She looked like she was about to burst into tears. "I can walk myself home," she said, her voice shaking slightly. Before I could say anything she ran off into the sunset.

For a few moments, I watched her running away. Then I turned, a tear or two somehow escaping my eyes. This wasn't happening. Would I see her again later? My thoughts buzzed with that single question, worded a thousand different times. That night I couldn't sleep…..

Monday morning came and the next term started.. I reached the crossing to find no one there. After waiting five minutes, I walked to school alone... The day passed and again there was no sign of her.

I went to school and the days went passed quickly….Sometimes I saw her at school still. I heard from a friend that she caught a lift to and from school now. I saw her a year later with a boy, kissing her on the lips. I smiled at that - I wanted her to be happy, even if it wasn't from playing silly little games with me. I mean, I was... me. And she was... her... So far out of my reach.

As she and the guy kissed, I could have sworn I caught her eye for a moment. As our eyes met, even as she kissed her boyfriend, a strange look crossed her face, for just a second. I found myself watching her hair swaying gently. Chuckling, I turned and walked away, smiling sadly.

Yes It's funny when you stop and look back into your life. So many things happen…some we forget and some we don't. Occasionally I wonder "What could have happened if it were different?"

I wonder if she ever wondered that.