Jack watched as Ianto left his office. The young man's posture clearly showed how hard the incident with the Ghost Maker had torn at his soul. The fact that they had managed to save at least the little boy did nothing to lighten up the empty darkness that was lying behind the Welshman's eyes.
Sighing, Jack grabbed the silver flask tighter and walked over to the safe. He just hoped by putting the thing in secured storage they wouldn't have to deal with the Ghost Maker again, but it was impossible to say to how many old film rolls the Night Travellers had been banned to.
When Jack entered the code, he heard the cog door opening and closing again. Ianto had left without saying another word. The young man was even more shaken by this than Jack had thought. He quickly put the flask in an empty cabinet and tried to ignore the music that was suddenly sounding through the Hub. He would deal with everything else tomorrow; right now there was a young man that needed his undivided attention. And Jack would make him forget the day if it was needed.
*
When Jack let himself into Ianto's flat half an hour later, he found it dark and silent. He slipped his boots off and hung up his greatcoat before venturing further into the apartment. A glance into the kitchen revealed it to be empty as well as the living room and the study. Bedroom then. Maybe Ianto was already asleep, but Jack highly doubted that. And to prove his suspicion, when he pushed the door to the bedroom open he found Ianto standing at the window. The light of the streetlamp was bathing his naked skin, making it shine almost like ivory.
Jack quietly padded over to his young lover, carefully reaching out to put his hands on the slim shoulders. When he got no reaction, he slid his hands down over Ianto's arms, snaking them around the young man's waist, so their bodies were moulded together, naked skin to the rough fabric of Jack's shirt and trousers.
"You're ice-cold," Jack whispered while gently caressing the smooth skin of Ianto's belly with his thumbs.
The young man still showed no sign he had noticed Jack's presence. His gaze was directed straight forward, arms cradled in front of his chest.
"Ianto." Now speaking a little bit louder, Jack pulled his lover closer to his chest, moving his arms to cover as much of the young man as possible.
"All those people died because of me."
The words were uttered in such a low voice, Jack almost thought he had imagined them, but they were hanging heavily between them now. Jack sighed and tightened his embrace even more, trying to convey assurance and love over the contact.
"You saved the boy."
"But I let all the others die."
Tears were now streaming down freely over Ianto's cheeks, reflecting and glistening in the light coming from outside. The young man made no effort to wipe them away.
"Ianto, there was nothing you could have done."
"I could have run faster."
"Ianto..."
"He took the flask from me, I should have fought harder."
"Ianto, I heard you scream. He hurt you."
"I should have held on to the flask."
"His touch is paralysing, you had no other chance than to let go of it."
"I should have tried harder..."
"Ianto, it's not your fault."
"All these people are dead, because I couldn't run fast enough!"
"That is not true and you know it. The Ghost Maker is not human; you couldn't have outrun him even if you had been going at light speed. If anything it's my fault for not pulling the film out of the camera quickly enough."
Jack's last statement finally pulled something other than a lethargic reaction from the young man.
"No!" Ianto exclaimed and turned in Jack's embrace. "It wasn't your fault."
"And neither is it yours." Jack lifted his arms to cup his lover's face with his hands and looked at him insistently. "We did everything we could and we managed to save a little boy. You managed to save a little boy who can live his life now thanks to you."
"But he will be alone." Ianto's voice broke at the last word and he averted his eyes, trying to pull away from Jack, but the older man held him in place.
"He won't be alone, Ianto."
"His parents and his sister are dead!" Now struggling against Jack's grip, Ianto managed to take a step back before his lover slid his arms around him and pulled him close again.
"He has his grandparents and his uncles and aunts."
"It's not the same." Still struggling against Jack, Ianto's body was now ragged by sobs, suppressed memories of a childhood, robbed too early of his parents, coming to the foreground.
"I know it's not the same." Jack pressed the squirming body of his lover against his chest, now fighting with the tears himself. Seeing Ianto so desperate and devastated was ripping his heart apart. This wasn't only about the little boy anymore. This was about Ianto as well. About his fear of being alone. The young man had lost so much in his short life, had seen so much terror and destruction, that witnessing the small boy coming back to life, a life without parents, had crippled his carefully erected walls. "But he won't be alone. You won't be alone." Pressing a kiss to Ianto's dishevelled hair, Jack was relieved when he finally felt Ianto's arms coming around him, now clinging to him for dear life. "You will never be alone again."
They stood like this for what felt like hours before Jack leaned back a bit and tipped Ianto's head up.
"Do you trust me?"
The look out of the deep blue eyes was enough to melt Jack's heart and it told him what he already knew. Ianto trusted him completely. Trusted him with his life. However, Jack needed the small nod that was following to continue.
"Then let me take care of you. Let me help you to forget for a while." When Ianto nodded again, Jack took the young man's head in his hands again. "I need you to surrender completely so you can let go." Jack felt Ianto stiffen and hurried to soothe his lover. "I won't force you to do anything, I would never do that. This has nothing to do with dominating or hurting you. I just need you to let go completely. Can you do that?"
"I think so." Ianto swallowed hard.
Smiling reassuringly at his lover, Jack pressed a gentle kiss to his lips, noting with relief when Ianto melted into the kiss. Pulling back, Jack smiled at the man standing in front of him. Ianto was incredibly vulnerable right now, standing naked in front him, emotions raw; he had to be careful. "I just want you to lie still, try not to move and talk, just feel, okay?" When Ianto nodded, he led him to the bed and helped him to lie down. Stroking his lover over his hair, he sat down next to him. "What I want to do will be really intense and you will get highly emotional. I just want you to let go. Don't be afraid, embrace the feeling and lose yourself in it. Are you okay with that?" Sensing his lover's unease, Jack bent down and pressed another reassuring kiss to the soft lips. "You can stop this anytime you want, but I ask you to try and just let it happen."
When Ianto nodded again, Jack stood up and quickly shed his clothes and pulled a tube of lube from the drawer in the bedside table, aware that Ianto was following every move with his eyes. Settling back on the bed, Jack put the lube next to Ianto's hip and placed a warm hand on the young man's stomach, gently caressing the cool skin under his fingers.
"You're still cold."
"I hope I will get warmed up shortly."
Jack chuckled at the cocky reply and bent down to steal another kiss. Curiosity at what Jack was going to do to him had joined the unease still visible in the young man's eyes and Jack just hoped he would settle the discomfort soon.
Sliding his hands up and down over Ianto's upper body, he finally grabbed the other man's wrists and pulled his arms up over his head, placing them carefully on the pillow. Jack knew that this would make Ianto even more vulnerable as his body was now completely exposed. "I want you to leave your arms like this, don't move, okay?" Gently stroking a stray strand of hair from Ianto's forehead, Jack slid his hand down his lover's face, caressing the smooth skin, smiling when the young man nuzzled his face into the palm.
"Close your eyes." Jack was relieved when Ianto complied instantly with the request and rewarded his lover with another kiss. "Now just lie still and let me do all the work. I want you to just feel."
Trailing small kisses over Ianto's jaw and down his throat, while his hands slid over Ianto's chest, raking gently over the skin, Jack followed the path of his hands with his mouth, making a quick detour to lap over his lover's right nipple. He stopped instantly when he felt Ianto squirm underneath him and pressed the now trembling body firmly down. "No moving." Jack knew it was incredibly hard for Ianto not to let his body react to the sensations evoked by Jack's expert mouth and fingers, but this was part of the game. When Ianto was forced to keep his body still, he would experience every touch even stronger, although it would take a lot out of him.
When Ianto stilled, Jack continued his way down, but stopped again, when he reached Ianto's groin. The young man's cock was already half erect and the quickened breathing were tell tale signs of Ianto's arousal.
Sliding between the young man's legs, Jack carefully closed his hands around both ankles and pushed them up, spreading them in the process. The fact that the young man offered no resistance and was now lain out in the most vulnerable position in front of him, stole Jack's breath away, although he had seen Ianto countless times spread out before him. But still it was something special; only Jack was privileged to see Ianto like this.
Pressing a kiss to each of Ianto's kneecaps, Jack reached for the lube and closed his hand around the tube to warm the gel a little before squeezing a generous amount of it on his hand.
"I'm going to touch you now," he warned and smiled at the shiver of anticipation that went through Ianto's body.
Pressing his clean hand on his lover's belly, he let one finger trail over Ianto's balls, cupping them shortly, before lowering his hand and starting to massage the young man's perineum. Catching Ianto and pushing him back down when his lover arched up from the bed as expected Jack rubbed soothingly over the trembling belly.
"Shhh, don't move." Jack continued to massage the perineum letting his fingers brush over Ianto's opening every once in a while as if accidental, all the while stroking soothing circles with his other hand on Ianto's stomach. "Just feel. Empty your mind and just feel."
Ianto's cock was fully erect now and Jack could feel the muscles twitching in the young man's body, strained by the effort to stay still.
Jack kept the gentle massage going for a few more minutes before he grabbed for the lube and added more gel to his already slippery fingers.
"I'm going to push inside now, just relax and feel." Speaking in a low voice, Jack rubbed his index finger over the sensitive opening a few times before pushing it in.
Ianto tensed up shortly and inhaled sharply, but it was only a moment before he relaxed again and welcomed the finger that was now brushing directly over his prostate.
Jack kept his movements slow and gentle, carefully massaging the gland. He knew that he was sending wave after wave of pleasure through his lover's body, but not quite enough to bring him close to orgasm. Crooking his finger, he intensified the pressure on Ianto's prostate, watching the play of emotions on the young man's face.
"Ianto, just let go. You're allowed to feel pleasure, just embrace the feeling and go with it." Jack could see the frown on his lover's face; he knew Ianto was still denying himself the happiness he couldn't give to others. But this was about Ianto learning to let go, this was about allowing Ianto to forget for the moment.
*
The young man trembled under the onslaught of emotions, his hands curled and uncurled into fists, every muscle was tensed up to keep himself from writhing on the bed. To keep himself from pushing down on Jack's finger inside him that elicited such wonderful feelings.
Ianto wanted desperately to forget, but the face of the little boy was burned into his mind and Jonathan's pained screams echoed in his head.
He couldn't do anything right, he had failed those people and they had to suffer now because of him. He brought pain and destruction over everybody. He should be hated.
But there was Jack, touching him so gently, giving him pleasure and love. The least he could do was to obey the order to lie still. But it was so hard; the urge to fuck himself on that finger inside him became greater with each brush over his prostate.
Jack was only bringing him pleasure but right now, it felt more like torture. But then, he deserved to be tortured, didn't he?
*
Jack could see the inner turmoil of his lover. It was all played out on his face, for once not guarded by a stoic expression.
Rubbing soothingly over Ianto's belly, he pulled his finger out almost completely to add a second, finding Ianto's hole slick and open for him.
When he pushed in again, Ianto couldn't suppress the moan, but he managed to stay still.
"Very good, keep still," Jack smiled and crooked his fingers a bit, intensifying the pressure on Ianto's prostate. Moving his fingers now in a constant slow rhythm it wasn't long before Ianto's ragged breathing changed to whimpering.
"It's okay, Ianto. Just let go. I know what you're feeling right now, it's intense and you don't think you can bear it, but please try to." Massaging the gland inside Ianto with a little more pressure, Jack curled his hand so he could press the base of his palm against his lover's perineum, now stimulating the prostate from the inside as well as the outside.
"Jack stop!" Ianto's body was shaking now, tears streaming down his face. Every muscle was on fire in an effort to keep still and the emotions running through his mind were tumbling over each other. He needed to move or Jack had to stop, this was too much.
Instantly stilling his hand, but not pulling out, Jack bent forward, sliding his free hand over Ianto's chest to his face.
"Shh." Wiping the tears from his lover's cheek with his thumb, Jack smiled. "You're still holding back. Just let go."
"I can't." Ianto was sobbing now, his eyes still clenched shut.
"Yes, you can. Trust me. I will catch you, you won't be alone."
"I don't deserve this."
Jack was glad; Ianto's eyes were still closed so the young man couldn't see the tears now streaming down Jack's face. They were finally reaching the point Jack knew they needed to conquer.
"Yes, you deserve this. You deserve to be happy." Starting to move his fingers in Ianto's anus again, Jack was prepared for the jerk of Ianto's hips. "You have done so much good, Ianto. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be cared for. You deserve to be happy."
Now quickening his movements, Jack sat back and curled his other hand around Ianto's cock, slowly starting to stroke it.
"I failed them," Ianto sobbed out. He was still obeying Jack's request not to move, but the strain on his body became evident now. "I failed all of them."
"It wasn't your fault."
"I betrayed you!"
"And I left you." Jack swallowed hard. All these emotions had been buried so deep, but they needed to bring them to the surface if they wanted this to be more.
"Because we betrayed you. Because I betrayed you again," Ianto whimpered, still denying himself the peace of mind, he deserved.
"And I came back. I have long forgiven you, Ianto." Jack was stroking Ianto's cock in earnest now, while still applying pressure to his prostate. At this pace the young man wouldn't last much longer.
Ianto couldn't focus, Jack's hands were still pleasuring him and it blocked everything else out. He couldn't think, he could just feel. Wasn't this what Jack had wanted? Finally fully opening himself to the feelings that were rushing through his body, setting every nerve ending on fire, Ianto embraced the warmth that radiated from his groin.
Just one thought kept him from letting go completely, one tiny bit that was nagging at his soul.
"Why have you forgiven me?" Pressing the words out between whimpers and sobs, Ianto felt ready to explode.
"Because I love you," Jack whispered giving his lover the last thing he needed to fall apart. One twist of his hand and a brush over Ianto's prostate and the young man was screaming through his orgasm, his body shaken from muscle spasms and sobs.
Jack continued to stroke Ianto through his orgasm, milking every last bit from him until the young man was whimpering and begging for him to stop. Only then did he pull his fingers carefully out and lie down next to his lover, cradling him in his arms, holding him while he was sobbing his heart out.
"Shh, I've got you. You're safe." Feeling the strain of this emotional ordeal himself, Jack didn't hide his tears anymore. They had both reached their breaking point today, but now they could start new and let the old wounds heal.
Pulling the duvet over them, Jack pressed a kiss to Ianto's head, prompting the younger man to crawl even closer. Jack wrapped his arms tightly around the slim frame of his lover, swearing to never let him go.
They had crossed a bridge today. Hopefully it would open the doors for many happy moments in the future.