The Fighting Suitors Reloaded
This is a tale about four hobbits, an old hobbit, a beautiful hobbit, and a very ugly hobbit. This is the untold tale that has the untold pieces that entwine with the first Fighting Suitors. May you laugh for many moons.
(The air is cool in Hobbiton. Frodo and Sam have gone to the Green Dragon to celebrate the seventh day to Bilbo's Birthday. The place is somewhat full, and other hobbits are singing; but somewhat off tune.)
Hobbit singers: There once was a lad who roamed my garrrrrden. And when he stole my carrots…I used to say…
(One of the hobbit singers look up.)
Hobbit singer 1: Bilbo!
Mr. Sackville-Bagginses: Hey! That's not the song!
(But the rest of the crowd is facing towards the door. For the hobbit that just came in, was Bilbo.)
Hobbit Crowd: Bilbo!
(Bilbo smiles and raises a mug that is his own which is half filled with ale.)
Bilbo to Hobbit crowd: My dear Bogginses and Boffins!
(Frodo and other hobbits raise their ale.)
Bilbo continues: Tooths and Champagne bucks.
(Crowd shouts at each name.)
Bilbo continues: Maggots! Chubbies! Trumpet blowers! Bracechains and Barney!
(Bilbo smiles stupidly but the crowd stops shouting at the last name "Barney.")
Bilbo to Hobbit Crowd: That was just a rehearsal.
(Hobbit Crowd groans and goes back to drinking.)
Frodo: Bilbo.
(Bilbo sees Frodo and smiles and walks over to his table and sits down across from him.)
Bilbo: Frodo me lad! How you doing?
Frodo: Couldn't be better, Bilbo.
Bilbo: What do you think about the weather?
Frodo: Couldn't be better. Or so Sam thinks.
(Sam smiles.)
Sam: Very nice weather.
Bilbo: Well that's good.
Frodo: I'm just wondering Bilbo. Why did you get your speech wrong?
(Bilbo groans slightly.)
Bilbo: Oh, probably because I was working too hard. I had to clean the chimney, mop the floors, and plant some marawana. This day's been too much for me.
Frodo: You didn't have to do all of that Bilbo. Why don't you rest like the rest of us?
Bilbo: Because Gandalf insists that I make myself look good and proper. And if I don't, he says he'll send more dwarves to take me on a good adventure to sober me up. Hmph!
Frodo: Oh. I'm so sorry.
Bilbo: Maybe I'm growing too old.
Pippin: Or maybe your having a pint too many.
(Pippin appears and sits right next to Bilbo.)
Bilbo: Hey Pippin my lad. How you doing?
Pippin: Oh just grabbin me self a pint of ale.
Sam mutters: You mean a pitcher of ale.
(All three hobbits look and see the pitcher full of ale that Pippin is holding. Frodo lifts an eyebrow.)
Frodo: And when do you plan to drink all of it?
Pippin: Right now.
(Pippin takes the pitcher and drinks it all in 20 seconds.)
Pippin: Ahh. There. Now you try Bilbo.
Bilbo: To drink all of that?
Pippin: Of course. That's the only way to prove one's love.
(Pippin holds the pitcher up high with a smile. Bilbo smiles also and holds out his hands.)
Bilbo: May I?
(Pippin smiles stupidly.)
Pippin: Most certainly.
(Pippin takes pitcher and hits it over Bilbo's head. Bilbo falls unconscious to the floor. Frodo and Sam get up dismayed while Pippin continues smiling and takes Bilbo's mug and drinks it down with one gulp.)
Frodo: What are you doing?
(Pippin holds up Bilbo's mug.)
Pippin: Drinking ale.
(Pippin continues drinking. Sam gets angry and turns the table over on top of Pippin. Pippin falls unconscious and gets buried in the mess. Sam grabs a scarf off a hobbit without knowing it and wipes his hand before throwing it inside a bucket of tobacco spit. The hobbit who owned the scarf, turns around and sees that it was Sam. The hobbit gets angry and places his mug on the table before rushing at Sam. Sam and Frodo open the door and close it behind themselves, just in time when the angry hobbit runs up and collides with the hobbit door and knocks it down with his own weight and goes unconscious. Frodo turns to see what happens but Sam continues walking. Sam reaches Bilbo's hobbit hole and is about to go inside, when a figure appears at the side of the door.)
Gollum: Hello.
(Sam gasps.)
Gollum: I'm looking for one called Sam.
Sam: What do you want with him?
Gollum: I have a message for him.
Sam: I'm Sam.
(Gollum takes out a tazer and places it under Sam's chin. Sam gasps and starts moving backwards into the house.)
Gollum: How much did my grandmother pay you?
Sam: What?
Gollum: How much did my grandmother pay you, to steal my Rosy? Wait. I don't want to know. Fat face!
Sam: You're the one they call Gollum?
Gollum: Ahh. (*Gollum taps tazer to his head*) Now there's some quick thinking there. With brains like yours I'd be a fool to waste them.
Sam: But you're supposed to come in the Two Towers.
Gollum: Anyone can enter into the movie early. Any jack-of-a-hobbit can enter early. But to be a fish eater, and an Andy Serkis fan…well lets just say…they don't give autographs for that anymore. Now come on!
(Gollum pushes Sam further into the hobbit hole and closes the door. Gollum then pushes Sam away from himself.)
Gollum talking to Smeagol: What should we do with him my love?
Smeagol talking to Gollum: I think we should eat some…fishhhhhh.
Gollum talking to Smeagol: This one is no fish.
(Gollum walks past Sam and looks around in each room. Sam flicks the switch on which turns all the lights. Gollum then sees a fish tank.)
Gollum: Oooooh. A Sushi Bar.
Sam: Wait! Those are my fish!
(Gollum hops over to fish tank and tries to grab the fish but doesn't realize that the tank is a glass tank. Gollum tries with much effort but cannot get the fish. Gollum then bangs his head on the fish tank with frustration. The fish tank breaks open, letting out all the fish and water. Gollum smiles in delight and starts crawling after the fish.)
Gollum: Come back my juicy sweeties!
(Gollum finally catches one. He stands up and sees Bilbo standing at the door. Bilbo's eyes widen and he starts running down the hallways. Gollum runs after him with anger.)
Gollum: Give me my precious!
(Gollum takes out a stick of dynamite and lights it. He continues chasing after Bilbo crazily. The wick starts to get shorter. Gollum's left hand grabs it from his right hand.)
Gollum to Smeagol: Give me that!
Smeagol to Gollum: But it will hurt people!
Gollum to Smeagol: Then throw it out the window!
Smeagol to Gollum: But it will teach kids bad lessons!
Gollum to Smeagol: Throw it out the…
(Dynamite explodes in Gollum's face and makes his hair all black.)
Gollum to Smeagol: You idiot!
(Gollum continues chasing Bilbo. Bilbo runs past Sam. Sam grabs a pan and waits for Gollum to run past him. Bilbo runs past Sam a second time but Sam thinks its Gollum and whacks him over the head with the pan. Bilbo falls over unconscious. Sam becomes horrified and drops the pan. Sam kneels over Bilbo and starts slapping him on the cheek to wake him up.)
Sam: Bilbo! I'm so sorry Bilbo! Wake up!
(Bilbo wakes up and starts choking Sam.)
Bilbo: Fool! No man can kill me! Die now!
Sam gagging: Bill! Wait! Let me explain!
Bilbo: There will be no explanation!
(Frodo appears at the door. Gollum sees Frodo and jumps out of a open window and lands in some rose bushes. Gollum screams and runs away into the darkness. Frodo though sees Bilbo chocking Sam. Frodo grabs Bilbo and shakes him slightly.)
Frodo: Bilbo! Are you all right? You've had a K.O too many.
(But Frodo's words seem to sound off far away and Bilbo finally faints and goes to sleep.)
(The next day…)
(Sam wakes up with a grunt and sees Frodo reading a magazine. Frodo then sees Sam awake and puts down the magazine.)
Frodo: Good morning, sleepy head.
Sam groans: Good morning.
Frodo: Get any sleep?
Sam: A little bit. It was a long night last night.
Frodo: You telling me.
Sam: Of course I am.
(Frodo rolls his eyes and gets up from his chair.)
Frodo: I made some breakfast for you.
Sam: Good. I hope its ale.
Gollum: Even better!
(Frodo and Sam look and see Gollum at the doorway with a plate covered with a large cloth.)
Frodo: Good morning, Smeagol.
Smeagol: Good morning.
Gollum to Smeagol: Hey! He was talking to me!
Smeagol to Gollum: No! He was talking to me!
(Gollum slaps Smeagol, but in reality slaps himself. Gollum then finishes the fight with "Smeagol" and hops over to Sam's bed. Sam sits up.)
Sam: I hope you cleaned up the mess you made last night.
Gollum: Oh yes fat hobbit. Oh yes. The juicy fish were very sweet. Oh yes. And I even shared some with Smeagol.
Smeagol to Gollum: No you didn't! You ate everything except the bones. That was the only thing you gave me! Bones!
Gollum to Smeagol: Quiet!
Gollum to Sam: I brought you something that we both like.
(Sam raises his eyebrows.)
Sam: Really?
Gollum: Yesss fat hobbit. Something that we both like.
(Gollum throws the cloth of the plate to reveal raw fish. Sam's face turns to one of an interested-sickening look.)
Sam: Yeah…but I like my fish cooked.
Gollum: Best both ways.
(Gollum stuffs a raw fish in Sam's mouth and grabs his head and chin and makes him chomp it up. Gollum picks up the cloth and hops towards the doorway.)
Gollum: You just sit there nice and tight-behind-the-belt fat hobbit. If you need some more…just go fish for some out of your Sushi bar. Those are the best!
(Gollum disappears. Frodo looks at Sam and raises an eyebrow. Sam spits the fish out and gets out of bed.)
Frodo: Where are you going?
Sam: I'm going on a breakfast date with Rosy.
Frodo: In your underwear?
Sam: Oh right.
(Sam rushes over to a bench and grabs his britches and rushes out of Bag End. Meanwhile, Gollum is hopping over to the Green Dragon. He hops inside and over to the bar. He leaps in the air and pushes a hobbit off his seat and lands in it. Rosy then comes in just in time. Rosy sees Gollum and lifts an eyebrow. Gollum smiles stupidly at her. Rosy rolls her eyes and points at the door.)
Rosy: Can't you read the sign?
Gollum: Yes.
Rosy: And do you know what it says?
Gollum: It told me to marry you.
Rosy: No. It says, "No britches, no pipe, no cash, no service." Understand?
Gollum: I understand it perfectly. The sign is telling every hobbit in this uncivilized place that it has no britches, no pipe, no cash, and no service. So that means it either needs all those things, or is looking for work.
Rosy: Wait. What do you mean by uncivilized?
Gollum: Well I wasn't talking about you or the other fat hobbits.
(Rosy gasps.)
Gollum: I was just talking about the way they cook.
Rosy: I see that you like to eat raw stuff.
Gollum: How did you know that?
(Rosy pretends to smile and then grabs Gollum's tongue.)
Rosy: You're breath smells like raw fish!
Gollum: I'mm nnn fitharman. I thunt fith.
(Rosy pushes Gollum backwards into some other hobbits. The hobbits cry out in anger but Gollum climbs back on his chair. Rosy seems to calm down and pulls out a note pad.)
Rosy: What would be your order?
Gollum: A new tongue.
Rosy: Sorry. We don't give free tongues.
(Gollum sighs.)
Gollum: I'm sorry that I've been such a talker.
Rosy: That's all right. I forgive you. For that's the kind of person I am. Humble. A humble waitress.
(Gollum massages his tongue.)
Gollum: I can thee that.
Rosy: Now what would be your order?
(Gollum stops massaging his tongue.)
Gollum: Would you like to go on a date?
Rosy: I'd rather eat one.
Gollum: No no no. Not a "date" like a food that you eat in grocery stores. I'm meaning a date date. You know. Where you go out with your girlfriend and you take her out to the best restaurant in the land. You know. That type of date.
(Rosy becomes interested.)
Rosy: Really? It sounds like a really nice date. Where do you want to hold it?
Gollum: I want to hold all of you.
(Rosy becomes angry and grabs Gollum's hair.)
Rosy: I'm talking about the date you dope!
Gollum pleading: Please! Not the hair! Not the hair!
(Rosy lets go and smiles.)
Rosy: I'll ask you again. Where do you want to hold this date?
(Gollum rubs his head.)
Gollum: At my favorite Sushi bar.
Rosy: And where's that?
(Gollum leans in closer to Rosy and starts whispering.)
Gollum: It's a secret. Meet me at the bridge near the old mill tomorrow evening.
Rosy: All right.
(Gollum leans back.)
Rosy: Now what would you like to order?
Gollum: Nothing. I just hopped by to say hello and that…I love you.
(Rosy gasps with excitement.)
Rosy: You really love me?
Gollum: There's nothing else in this world to love except fish and myself.
(Rosy becomes angry and takes a fly swatter and whaps it really hard on Gollum's hand. Gollum squeals and starts petting his hand.)
Gollum: What'd you do that for?
Rosy: Saw a fly on your hand! Be thankful I killed it before you became a walking maggot hive! Maybe you already are!
(Rosy leaves the bar with a fiery temper. Gollum sighs and walks out of the Green Dragon disappointed. Meanwhile, Pippin is walking along with a bush of roses behind his back. Pippin walks towards the Green Dragon and sees Rosy leaving.)
Pippin: Rosy!
(Rosy sees Pippin and walks over to him.)
Rosy: Hello Pip. You've just saved me from the fog of boredom.
Pippin: Pretty tough in there, huh?
Rosy: Very.
(Pippin smiles.)
Pippin: I brought you flowers.
(Pippin pulls the rose bush from behind his back and shows it to Rosy.)
Rosy: Oh those are beautiful.
Pippin: No they're not. They're roses.
Rosy: But they still look beautiful.
(Pippin bows low but then sees something on the ground.)
Pippin: Look what I found.
(Pippin picks up a credit card.)
Rosy: Oh Pippin. You found a credit card! Can you take me out to dinner? Please do say yes?
Pippin: No I can't.
(Rosy becomes sad.)
Pippin: But…I can take you in to dinner.
(Rosy smiles and locks arms with Pippin.)
Rosy: That's so sweet of you.
(Pippin and Rosy go out to a restaurant called Ryans and eat luxurious foods that have been transported from Harad, Gondor, Rohan, and Mirkwood. They eat and kiss a lot but then Rosy reaches into her pocket and finds something missing.)
Pippin: What's a matter Rosy?
Rosy: I can't find my…
Sam: Rosy!
(Pippin and Rosy look to see Sam coming into the restaurant. Sam walks over to the table that Pippin and Rosy are at.)
Rosy: Hello Sam. How are you doing?
Sam: Don't ask me now. It looks like your having a friendly dinner. You know, getting to know each other as friends.
(Rosy's face beams.)
Rosy: Yes it's very sweet. Pippin found a credit card on the ground and has used all the money up to buy both of us this splendid dinner.
Sam: That's very kind of him.
(While Pippin is listening to Sam talking to Rosy, he looks down at the credit card that he found on the ground and his eyes widen. He picks it up and sees that the credit card belongs to Rosy Cotton. Pippin's mouth gapes open and he hears Sam ask,"
Sam to Rosy: So what's your problem?
Rosy: Problem?
Sam: When I walked in here, I saw you looking for something.
Rosy: Oh yes. My credit card is missing and I can't find it.
Pippin to Rosy: Um…um…um…you can…you can…you can use mine.
(Pippin hands Rosy her credit card.)
Rosy: Oh that's so sweet of you Pip.
(Rosy looks down at the credit card.)
Rosy: Wait Pip. This is mine. Not…
(She and Sam then realizes that Pippin has been using her credit card to pay for the expensive dinner. Pippin grins nervously at Sam who is towering above him in anger. Pippin then leaps from his chair and past the tables followed by Sam.)
Sam: I'm going to kill you!
(Pippin climbs upstairs and sees a rope tied to the wall which is connected to the chandelier. Pippin looks down at Sam mischievously and grabs a knife from a passing chef and cuts the rope. The weight of the chandelier pulls Pippin from the balcony. The chandelier crashes to the ground and into some tables (luckily without hurting any hobbits that are inside) and pulls Pippin to the ceiling. Sam then sees where Pippin has gone too and runs back down the stairs.)
Sam to Pippin: Come down from there!
Pippin: Come up from there!
Sam: Ohhhh I will!
(Sam starts climbing the rope that is tied to the chandelier and climbs up towards Pippin. Pippin sees a table underneath him and he lets go of the rope. Sam falls from the rope which is now not being held by any weight and crashes through the chandelier; luckily only getting a few scratches. Pippin however, misses the table by an inch and falls to the floor. Pippin gets up and smiles.)
Pippin: That wasn't half bad.
(Sam shouts from the ceiling.)
Sam: Come back here! You dopey-hearted grinning mouth!
(Pippin ducks under a passing chef carrying a cake; but when Sam comes around he knocks the chef down accidentally and runs out of the restaurant after Pippin. Rosy runs after both of them. Pippin picks up a poker from a blacksmith's barrel and holds it out in front of him like a sword. Sam stops a couple feet from him and picks up a poker also except this time it is from the fire. Pippin goes cross eyed when he sees the hot poker and starts running away with Sam pursuing him hotly. Rosy runs after Sam with her skirts tucked in her hands. Pippin then stops and starts dueling with Sam. Rosy catches up with both of them.)
Rosy: Stop it both of you! This is absolutely barbaric!
(Sam ignores Rosy's words and continues fighting with Pippin. Pippin then all of the sudden slumps forward and falls down unconscious. Sam sees that Gollum was behind Pippin. Sam raises his poker once more.)
Sam: Have you been with my Rosy?
(Gollum shrugs his shoulders.)
Gollum: Not often.
(Sam becomes angry and starts swinging his poker. Gollum just circles him and retreats from him.)
Sam: Now it's your turn to be dueled to the flesh!
(Gollum reaches into a barrel and pulls out a fish.)
Gollum: I see we are equally armed.
(Sam raises an eyebrow.)
Sam: You're going to duel me with that?
Gollum: I see you're afraid.
(Sam becomes angry again and continues swinging his poker around his head. Gollum continues dodging, hardly aware of Rosy's angry words against both of them. Sam finally pins Gollum to the ground and puts the poker near his neck.)
Sam: This is a poker. You've seen it before, haven't you, Gollum?
(Gollum smiles stupidly.)
Gollum: Yup.
Sam: Stop touching my Rosy or I will cut your throat.
Gollum: I don't see how that would work.
Sam: That's it!
(Sam raises his poker high above his head. Gollum freaks out and kicks Sam between the legs. Sam drops his poker accidentally on Rosy's toes and keels over and groans. Rosy cries from the unexpected clumsy accident and then becomes angry and kicks Sam in the ribs and runs back home.)
Gollum to himself: I could be wrong but I think both of us have just qualified for a Black-belt.
(Gollum scampers away, leaving Sam unconscious on the ground.)
(The next day…)
(The mailman is walking over to Bag End and knocks on the door. Bilbo starts shouting from within.)
Bilbo: No thank you! We don't want to vote for any Republican, Democrat, sheriffs, sign up for new credit cards and be near distant relations whether private or public.
Mailman: And what about getting your mail?
(Bilbo opens the door and sees who it is.)
Bilbo: You're not Gandalf.
Mailman: I know.
Bilbo: Then what in all Hobbiton are you doing here?
Mailman: Delivering mail.
Biblo: Then why don't you give me it?
(Bilbo grabs all the mail from the mailman and walks inside his hole and shuts it. The mailman pulls out a cell phone and dials 911. On the other end of the line, Eomer answers.)
Eomer: Hello?
Mailman: Good morning sir. This is an emergency.
Eomer: Oh yes. You came to talk to me about delivering some doughnuts to the office?
Mailman: No.
Eomer: Oh. Then what?
Mailman: A hobbit here just stole all of my mail. He won't give it back.
Eomer: I'll be there in an hour.
Mailman: Thank you.
(Mailman turns off his cell phone and goes back to the post office.)
(An hour later, sirens start blaring and a company of riders start riding into Hobbiton with recorders of sirens, attached to their saddle. Frodo and Sam run up to Hobbiton to see what the commotion is. Bilbo comes out to greet Frodo and Sam. Just when they meet up, the riders ride right above Bilbo's hole and jump down and surround them in a circle with a line of spears pointing at them. Eomer then rides into the circle.)
Bilbo: What business does a Rohan-man, a Rohan-man, and a man of Rohan doing in the Hobbie-Mark? Speak quickly!
Eomer: It is our painful duty to the Steward of Gondor and to my King, Theoden. Now, what business does a old hobbit, a skinny hobbit, and a fat hobbit have to do in stealing mail, secretly keeping the One Ring, and falling in love with Rosy Polyester.
Sam: Hey that's Rosy Cotton!
Bilbo: I'm not old!
Frodo: And I'm not skinny! And how did you know I had the One Ring?
Eomer: Gandalf told us.
(Frodo pulls out Sting and points it at Eomer.)
Frodo: He would die before his tongue fell!
(The Riders close in with the spears. Eomer lifts an eyebrow.)
Eomer: How did you get the sword so early? That's not in the actual movie.
Frodo mumbles: Friends in high places.
Eomer: I'm afraid I'm going to have to arrest you all.
Sam: On what grounds, may I ask you are on?
Eomer: On the grounds of Hobbiton.
Sam: Where in Hobbiton?
Eomer hesitatingly: On...the…grounds of Butt End.
Sam: So that means you should be getting of my…Bilbo's property before he sends the dogs after you.
(Bilbo lifts an eyebrow.)
Bilbo: Dogs? I have no dogs. The last one I bought was hot from Wal-Mart. And it was after I had burnt my tongue, that I realized why they called them, Hot Dogs.
Rohan Soldier 2: But sir, these hobbits are not on the grounds of Butt End. They are on the grounds of Bag End. Rightful property to the Sackbill Bagwinsess.
(Mrs. Sackville and her husband come lumbering up the hill with Pippin.)
Mrs. Sackville: And we have our attorney to prove it.
Sam: Pippin? Why he's so loafered and idiotic, and sentimental he doesn't know what his left hand knows what his right hand is doing.
Pippin: And that is why (*hiccups)I make such a good attorney. I cannot be blamed if any(*hiccups again*) ting go(*hiccups*) os wrong.
(Pippin sits in Bilbo's porch rocking chair with the Sackville Bagginses standing behind him. He opens his briefcase and starts pulling out papers.)
Pippin: They have reports and evidence of stolen mushrooms, cabbages, and pipeweed just from last summer. They have filed a case against you to sue you for letting the trouble maker Gandalf into this country while almost incinerating her hair on fire. Oh and also they heard tell that someone came out with a ridiculous comedy called The Fighting Poopers.
Mr. Sackville correcting: Suitors.
Pippin: Oh yes. The Fighting (*hiccups again*) Suitors. (*lays down briefcase*) Do you have anything in your defense?
Sam: Oh no. We have something in our offense.
Pippin pretending to be interested: Oh?
Sam: You and I both know that you and Merry were the ones that did the stealing and goaded on Gandalf to send you, illegally, to a world called Earth and tell someone in Missouri to write a silly stupid comedy about us respectable hobbits.
(Pippin blushes.)
Pippin: How did you know?
Sam: I have friends in high places. Satellite.
Pippin protesting: But that's illegal also.
Sam: So.
Pippin: So that means if I do a wrong and you do a wrong, two wrongs make right. Which means, your in the wrong. (*turns to Eomer*) Constable, do your duty.
Eomer: I don't take orders from flea bags like you.
Pippin: Flea bags! Why, you must know that you are insulting a knight of Gondor!
Eomer: Already taking titles for yourself long before you start on the quest?
Pippin: Of course.
Mrs. Sackville: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! I've had enough of this! I want to be in my house now and start growing me cabbages and carrots. Now.
Eomer: Right. (*turns to Bilbo, Frodo, and Sam*) You all are under arrest for trespassing on someone's property and government property.
Frodo protesting: This isn't government property!
Eomer: It will be when Sharkpoonman comes along and ruins the Shire.
Frodo mumbling: Just because I get a weapon I'm acquiring at the wrong time, doesn't mean he can do it also. Fatty pants.
Sam to Eomer: On what grounds?
Mrs. Sackville: ON SACKVILLE GROUNDS!
(Pippin gets out of his chair.)
Pippin: This is preposterous!
Bilbo: Rot!
Eomer mumbling: Times running out.
Pippin to Mrs. Sackville: You said you would allow me into the bargain.
Mrs. Sackville: Well I'm a lair. I lie. Lie, lie, lie.
Pippin: You don't have to say everything in threes.
Eomer: Take them!
(Several riders dismount and move towards Bilbo and Sam and start tying them with ropes.)
Rohan Soldier 2 to Bilbo and Sam: You have the right to not tell a lie. You have the right to a comfortable jail cell.
Bilbo: But I want to be in my home, not in a cold cell.
Rohan Soldier 4 to Bilbo: Hey shrimp, we happen to like it there.
Bilbo: YOU HAVE TO, I DON'T.
(Eomer moves toward Frodo. Frodo takes out the ring, looks once at the rider and disappears and kicks Eomer in the face. Eomer gets up with his wig half off.)
Eomer: I see it all. I see your mind! You intend to take the ring to Peter Jackson! You will betray us all!
(Bilbo lifts an eyebrow while he is being put onto a horse.)
Bilbo: Getting emotional already.
(Eomer grumbles and mumbles something about athletes foot being shoved up ones face and then gets on his horse. Pippin pulls out his pipe and starts smoking comfortably. Merry then shows up.)
Merry: What's going on Pippin?
Bilbo: They're taking me to prison.
Merry: Pippin you have to let them go.
(Pippin stops smoking.)
Pippin: Ok.
(Pippin starts digging in his pockets for money. He pulls out two tickets, a marble, a jar of something green, and finally gets to his wallet.)
Sam to Pippin: Hurry!
Pippin: I didn't intend it to be like this Sam. Don't worry. Don't worry. I'll get you out.
(Pippin turns to Eomer.)
Pippin: What's the fine?
Eomer: I though you wanted them both in prison.
Pippin: Well I do but Merry here convinced me to get out one.
Merry: One? I want both out. What will happen to poor Bilbo?
Pippin: Well Merry we got to be logical about this. It's either the gardener or the writer, and prison is obviously no place for a gardener.
Bilbo: WELL IT'S NO PLACE FOR ME!
(Pippin hands Eomer the money and they release Sam while they ride off with Bilbo.)
Pippin: Say goodbye to Uncle Bilbo.
Merry: We'll see ya in 3 months.
Bilbo: Nooooooooooooooooo.
Finis
Or in the vulgar Tongue,
The End