I curled up on my bed in the motel room as Dimitri turned out the lights. Adrian popped back into my mind as he always did before I fell asleep, and then tormented me after. I didn't doubt that even though I was far away from him, the disgusting memories would plague me and fuel my nightmares. I didn't doubt that sometime tonight I was going to end up being shaken awake by my terror, and disgust at myself and at what he and his friends had done to me. It felt like I relived it every night in my so real nightmares.
When I was awake I was able to avoid the memories, and push them back to the far recesses of my mind where I could completely avoid them and force myself to put up the act of still being Adrian's girlfriend. I hadn't told anybody anyways, so no one was suspicious, I guess my acting skills were better than I gave them credit for. But it was like I was constantly exhausted from the effort. I curled into a fetal position, feeling safer, Dimitri's presence enforced that slightly. Tears streamed down my cheeks, I felt so trapped and out of control, like I couldn't breathe anymore. I tried to stay silent, but apparently I didn't do a good enough job, because Dimitri must have heard me, because the next thing I knew he'd turned the bedside lamp on behind me, I refused to turn and look at him. I stared at the wall in front of me, and stifled my tears, forcing myself to breathe through my nose and hoped he would drop it. But, I wasn't so lucky.
"Rose…" I heard Dimitri's voice say, surprisingly gentle, and I felt his hand on my shoulder, I moved quickly and moved as far away as I could to the wall, leaning my back against it, and wrapping my arms around my legs, I was sure I looked pathetic…and I couldn't believe the emotions that were running through me in the moment, I was afraid. Afraid…Afraid of Dimitri.
"Please don't touch me." I whispered, my voice wavered and I berated myself for showing my weakness, I looked away from him, disgusted with myself.
Dirty. Ran through my head, and I refused to look at him.
He must have seen the fear in my eyes, because I could practically feel him jump to the assumption that I was afraid of him because of how he'd been strigoi.
"Don't even." I whispered, "It has nothing to do with that, you can go back to bed, I'm fine."
Lies.
"You know better than to try and lie to me." He rebuked me.
More tears filled my eyes, and spilled down my cheeks, again I mentally beat myself for being so weak, I stared at the bedspread and refused to talk to him, which was much harder than I thought it would be.
We waited in silence for what felt like forever, but was actually only a couple of minutes, before he gave up, "This conversation is not over." He said.
He moved away and turned out the light again,
"Yes it is." I whispered, I knew he would hear me.
Adrian and I had been talking, talking about life in general when someone knocked on his door, he smiled and walked over to it, opening it, he greeted three other Moroi and let them it, locking the door. Adrian walked back over to me and looked me straight in the eyes, alarm washed over me for whatever reason, but I forced it away. But it weaseled it's way back into my mind as he approached me and grabbed my waist forcing me closer to him, then it hit me, he was going to compel me, but before I could do anything, "Adrian…what're you-"
"Let's get this party started!" One of them said, an excited sharpness to his voice. He looked at me and studied my body in a way that actually made me uncomfortable and made me question what I had decided to wear today.
I swallowed, as I felt the wave wash over me, I was strong and I tried to fight it, and the last thing I saw was him pull out a whiskey bottle, before my will caved, and I succumbed to his demands, he seemed to sense it, and he walked back over, and pushed my tank tops up and undid my pants,
"Adrian…please…" I begged, not having the will to fight, literally.
Another one of them walked forward and walked behind me, gripped my waist, he pressed again me, and I felt his disgusting hard on against the small of my back.
"Oh, it's okay damphir, this is what your good for, reproducing."
Adrian reached into my pants and caressed my bare hips reaching his hands further back he played with the panty line of the back of my panties,
"Adrian…" I pleaded, my heart was racing, I felt him take the fabric in his fingers and pull up, giving me a wedgie, and it wasn't playful, it was a sex symbol, and a foreshadow of what was to come, I squirmed in discomfort as his friend took it from him and practically lifted me off the ground, I gasped.
"Please…Adrian, don't do this." I begged, tears filling my eyes as I truly took in, there was nothing I could do about this, as he fondled me.
"I've waited a long time Little Damphir, and now I'm finally getting what I wanted. You really think I'll give it up now?" His breath stank of alcohol, and I realized he had been drinking before, but his compulsion still ran strong.
Another one of the men walked forward, "Let's have some fun." He said, smiling evilly, Adrian shared the smile as he yanked my pants down to my mid thigh, and propped his knee up on a desk chair, "Give her here." He ordered his friend who was still restraining me by my waist, Adrian wrapped his arm around my waist, and forced me over his knee, he slowly pulled my pushed my panties down to join my jeans. He fingered me, as his friends watched in delight. I begged them to stop as Adrian thrust his fingers in and out of me, dry, it hurt terribly, my begging didn't touch them, in fact I was pretty sure they liked my begging. I was crying hard by the end, but that didn't stop them, as they grabbed at me, and forced me down onto the bed, stripping me completely, running their disgusting hands all over my body, covering my mouth, then the horrible pain,
I jolted up in my bed crying out in fear and despair, I pressed myself against the headboard trying to get some grip on reality, as I remembered the pain, it had been so real this time, my body was covered in cold sweats and I was shaking, sobs broke through my body, and I felt completely and utterly alone, the light beside me turned on, and then Dimitri was there.
He pulled me into his arms, I was resistant at first, but his grip didn't falter, and I moved closer, burying my head in his chest, and sobbed. He spoke to me gently in Russian,
"Тише, я здесь, ты в безопасности, ты в порядке…"
(Hush, I'm here, you're safe, you're okay.)
His arms were wrapped tight around me and our relationship status was forgotten as he comforted me, "Tell me what it was Rose, tell me what you're hiding." He said, knowing what I was hiding was what was tearing me up inside, he tightened his grip on me as the statement brought on more tears,
"Let me help you…" He whispered, against my head. I pulled away and backed away on the bed. I stared at the blanket,
"I can't get them off me." I whispered, my voice laced with self-hatred, a small sob escaped my chest.
"What do you mean?" He asked, confused.
I shook my head, I couldn't do this…why did it even matter, I wasn't worth anything anyways,
"Don't do that." Dimitri said, sternly, he took my chin in his hand, "Do not shame yourself, talk to me."
I couldn't take it,
"I do everything I can to wash it away! I try to rid myself of their touch, how he compelled me, the way they abused me, how much it hurt as they forced themselves into me. But it never works!" I sobbed, I snuck my hand beneath the sleeve of my shirt and dug my nails into the crease of my wrist. Truth be told, I had wounds up and down my arms from them, I felt embarrassed and nauseous at the fact that it was all coming out now, and that it was in front of Dimitri.
I looked up through my hair, and saw his eyes, they were filled with absolute agony and worry as he watched me fall apart in front of him. I felt my finger nails break the skin, and blood coated my finger tips, and another small sob broke through my body.
He must have seen it in my face, he moved forward quickly, and grabbed my wrist, yanking my other hand out from underneath the sleeve, he saw the blood, and looked up at me, I tried to pull away but he had a firm grip on my wrists.
"Where were you…" I rasped, "Where were you when I needed you the most?!" Tears ran down my cheeks, and I thought I could see some in his eyes. "God I hate myself so much, I thought for so long, and I know it was irrational, but I thought you hated me because I was used…dirty…disgust-"
He gathered my wrists in one hand, I had gone weak so I didn't bother trying to pull away as he cut me off, covering my mouth with his hand.
"Don't you dare." He said, "Never,and I mean, never say something like that about yourself again."
I pulled away and looked back at the bedspread again,
"Who was it, Rose?" He asked softly, letting go of my wrists, but keeping a careful eye on my hands.
I shook my head, the tears wouldn't stop coming, I felt like I couldn't breathe, I reached for my wrist again.
"Don't move your hands, Rose. I don't want to have to restrain you." He threatened, I warred with myself for a few seconds, I wanted to the release, but I knew he's have me pinned before I could do anything.
He took my chin in his hand, and forced me to look up at him,
"Answer me, Rose, who did this to you?" He asked quietly but sternly.
When I didn't answer, I saw something in his eyes, then there was fury, I flinched thinking it was at me, but what he said next caught me completely off guard,
"It was Adrian." He said. My eyes flashed up to his, and I snapped my eyes back down,
"Was it just him, Rose?" He asked, I covered my face with my hands, and tried to pull away, instead he pushed me down onto the bed, I waited for the fear to flood my body, but it didn't come, he pinned my wrists on either side of my head, "Was it just him, Rose?"
A small sob ripped its way through my body…again, "No…" I whimpered.
"How many?" He asked, his grip tightened on my wrists,
I hesitated, but closed my eyes, my secret was out, "3 others." I whispered.
He let me go, "Roza…" He whispered, again he pulled me into his arms. "I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you, I'm sorry I didn't do something, I knew you were in pain, but I thought it was because of me. I'm so sorry." I felt a tear on my head, and I buried my face in his chest. He held me like that for about 15 minutes, no words needed to be said. Then,
"Does anyone else know, Roza, except for me?"
I shook my head,
"No, no one needs to know, besides I'm just a damphir."
I felt him tense, "Don't ever say that again Rose." He said, I tensed.
"I don't care what you are," He began, "No one, and I mean no one deserves to go through that." He grip on me tightened.
"Have you seen a doctor?" He asked.
"No." I whispered. I wasn't worried though, I knew we had to keep a low profile, so I was sure he wasn't going to force me into going to see one now.
"Rose, you need to see a doctor."
"No…" I said, "No…I don't, I'm fine."
"You don't know that." He chastised.
"And I'm fine not knowing it." I argued back, slightly nervous now, what was he thinking?
"Not for long." He whispered.
I tensed, "What do you mean?"
"If you won't see a doctor, I'm going to check you Rose."
~Okay Guys, quick Author's note,
So, you can imagine what happens next, it's not too graphic…but if you don't like or can't tolerate this part of the writing…please, don't force yourself to read it. ~
I pulled away…"No….Dimitri…" I couldn't think of an argument, all of us had had to go through this, all guardians had to go through medical training, so I couldn't hold that against him…and he'd already seen me undressed before. I was running out of options here.
"I need to be sure that you're okay." He said, he kept a firm grip on my arm that told me I wasn't going to get out of this. Tears filled my eyes again, I swallowed, I had a choice to make, it was him or a doctor.
He must have seen the indecision in my eyes,
"Rose, you know I won't hurt you." He said, then, "and I've already seen you naked." He pointed out.
My breath caught in my throat at the memory, and I looked down,
"Come on." He said softly, he took my ankles in his hands, and pulled my legs away from my arms, I didn't fight him as he pulled me around to face him and he eased me into a laying position.
He kneeled beside me,"I won't hurt you Roza." He said gently, wiping a tear away from my cheek, he looked me in the eyes, confirming that I could trust him,
"Tell me if any of this hurts." He said gently, and pushed my shirt up, exposing my stomach to him, and he probed his fingers up and down my lower abdomen, I cried out in pain as his fingers pressed down on a really sensitive spot, there were two other spots like it, and the farther down he got the more sore I was. I had noticed it before, but I was convinced that it was just because I was healing.
He smoothed my hair away from my face, "You're okay." He said gently.
"I trust you." I whispered, sealing my fate, he nodded, and untied the drawstring of my pj shorts. I closed my eyes tightly, trying to force the memories away, this is dimitri, this is dimitri, this is dimitri. I said to myself over and over again. I felt his warm comforting hand on the bare skin of my stomach,
"You're okay, it's me, you're safe." He said gently, his voice soothing me slightly, then slowly, he took the waistband of my panties and shorts in his hands, and pulled them down. I whimpered, and held my breath,
"Breathe Roza." He said, resting his hand on my stomach again, and rubbing in soothing circles with his thumb. I took slow deep breaths, and he went to edge of the bed, and pulled my bottoms completely off, I should have been embarrassed, but he was right, he'd seen me naked, and for some reason it didn't bother me, part of my mind whispered, It's because it's Dimitri.
He separated my ankles, and moved in between my legs, and spread my knees, I gave a small cry of pain at the movement. He ran his hand over my leg in a comforting gesture,
"Okay." He said gently, preparing me, I felt his gentle fingers on me, it had been about a minute, when the pain started to get to me, I flinched, and wanted to close my legs,
"Don't." He said gently, "We're almost done, I know it hurts."
I closed my eyes, and tried to keep my breathing normal, and not soon enough, it was over, he moved away and I heard him in the bathroom, I tried to tune it out, as I tried to calm my nerves, and get some of my composure back.
A few minutes later he came back, and I gasped in surprise when I felt his arms under me, and he picked me up bridal style.
"What…" I whispered, slightly confused, he didn't say anything, he just carried me into the bathroom, I saw the full bath, and didn't argue with him, he looked into my eyes again as he pulled my shirt over my head, and undid my bra, I felt like a child, I felt extremely self-conscious and I crossed my arms over myself covering my breasts, and slightly curled in on myself, hiding the wounds on my arms, and part of my body.
"Hey, don't do that." He whispered, taking my arms in his hands, he overpowered me, easily, and pulled them away exposing me to him. He ran his hands over my arms as he looked over my body, looking for any other wounds, he pulled my arms up to him and pressed gentle kisses to each open wound. He pulled me into his arms and stroked my hair gently, then he picked me up again, and immersed my abused body in the water.
After a few minutes, he left me alone to wash up, I washed my hair first then moved to my body.
Then he came back in, and in seconds he was by my side, pulling my hands away from my body,
"Rose, Roza, stop." He ordered, tightening his grip on my wrists. I looked down and saw my arms and stomach were a bright red, I couldn't get them off me, no matter how hard I scrubbed, so I just cried, Dimitri picked me up again and pulled my wet body to his. He dried me off easily and slipped his shirt over my head before carrying me out of the bathroom.
He sat me on the bed,
"If this happens again Roza, I'll be in the bathroom with you every time you bathe." He threatened, I nodded, and he sighed walking over to me and positioning me under the covers, I grabbed his wrist before he could walk away, and he looked down at me, before I pulled him down with me.
"Roza…is this a good idea? I mean, after every-"
I put my finger to his lips, and he smiled against them before pulling the blankets over us.
"I love you." I whispered, "You don't have to love me back. But I need you to know that."
He pressed his lips to my forehead and pulled me closer, his hesitant hands slipped beneath my shirt, he watched my face for a reached, and his arm wrapped around my waist, his other rested against my torso as he pulled me closer,
"I love you, my Roza, my sweet, sweet Roza." He whispered.