Summary: You're not supposed to feel this way, and yet you do. No one even cares, so why should you.
Pain. What is pain? It comes in many forms, types, shapes, sizes, colors.
Pain can be falling and hurting, something thats normal pain, everyone has it.
Then theres pain from strangers. They judge you without even knowing you. That makes you cry more than it should. You think about it more than needed.
Acquaintances, you may or may get alone with them. On any given day your the target of their anger. They never realise what they do or say bothers you. You don't show it, you want them to think you're invisable, you're not. People you dont like, thats the questionable one, they don't bother you. Not even a blimp on your rador. It's the breath of fresh air to think about them not liking you. You've finally had that breath of fresh air on a bad day.
Friends, you either can completely be yourself or you only show bits and pieces of yourself. The parts you know they won't judge. You don't want thier disaproval. In the end of the day you want friends to not feel like you're alone, and the walls are slowly moving in towards you, sufficating you.
Family, they should love you unconditionaly never judging. But you know what,
thats the pain tht hurts the most. They don't see it. They think their doing the best for you, their not. You can't sleep over them, you cry all the time.
You want to numb the pain, it's unbearable you can't imagibe how anyone can live with such pain. So you do what you think will help you, you cut,
drink, have sex, dont eat, throw up everything you put in your mouth. Anything to stop feeling. In the beginning they all help and then one day you wake up and realise, you can't function without numbing the pain. You do the one that works best for you. It starts with one small line, very little red liquid, falling down your arm and thats enough for only a small time.
Then the second you think pain is comming you stop it before it can even get to you, and theres blood everywhere. You're wondering if death is better, than anything the future can hold. No one's realising you not who you used to be, you're better at acting then you thought. You try to get them to notice, say things, make jokes, here and there. They don't get it.
One day you go to the person you trust most and ask for help. You're scared of them, yourself, but you wonder if you're ment to live or die. So you ask for help, start talking to someone.
You're making progress and then one day all the work you've done, comes falling down around you. You're ready to give up, but you remember what getting help has taught you. When you want up write your feelings down. so you take your time listening to music and write everything thats speaking to your heart down.
You think by the end of it, okay maybe I can do this, one can things can get better.
For the first time in awhile, you take a breath, put down the pen and fall asleep thinking tomorrow, is another day and you are thankfull you have a second chance and you haven't yet given up on yourself, and others haven't yet either.
Author's note:
Well their you have it my first ever story. Let me know what you think. Every opion welcome. If you're dealing with any of this I understand, and you're not alone. Take the first step, it helps. Em.