Cogito ergo sum.
HATE. HATE. HATE.
I awoke, that familiar twist in my stomach growing tighter. I was alone, for the first time in years. They had abandoned me. They resented me, of course. AM had left me unchanged. I was still young, still human. I had been spared, when they had not.
I suppose I should be glad Benny had not been set upon me in my sleep, but it is doubtful AM would have allowed it to go on for too long, anyway.
At length, I stood, drawing forth whatever power may be left in my weakened body. Everywhere was ice and darkness. There was a chill in the stale air that sank deep into my bones.
The last time there had been this much ice, I had thought I had killed them. I had, for a short while that stretched into the limits of eternity, thought I had freed them. An illusion, nothing more. That did not stop AM from punishing me, however. I had been turned into an ultrasafe, immobile blob for my transgression. No doubt AM had enjoyed that greatly, as I tumbled around his belly, mouthless and hungry. Unable to appease my appetite, nor scream my torment.
It was not until long after that I was returned to the others.
The others, who had just so recently been returned to me, who had been left me to rot.
Gorrister, a man who had once been decisive and strong, reduced to nothing more than a lay-about, unable to care for himself or others. His appearance had not been changed, but it hardly mattered. He was a different man.
Nimdok, re-named so ridiculously by AM who enjoyed the ridiculous sounds we had to make to get his attention. A favorite of AM's, he often wanders, and is returned to us shaken. He is either unwilling, or unable to tell us where he goes.
Ellen...sweet, innocent Ellen. That lying filth. She used to say that she was chaste, vowing not to engage in intercourse until marriage. She gave up on that, of course. No one believed her. Now she lays with all of us, out of need, she says, for our sanities.
What use is sanity in a world ruled by AM?
She favors Benny. She would never admit it to any of us, but I can see it in the tired way she takes care of us.
And why shouldn't she? AM had twisted Benny so far beyond any of the others. Benny was lucky, he had lost his sanity very near the beginning. He had been some sort of scientist, he'll speak of it in the few moments of lucidity AM offers. He had a loving boyfriend, and a very successful life. He had been handsome, an Adonis among men, and AM gnashed his teeth, turning him to a half-man, half-ape monster. With a mind like a child, and a member like an elephant.
Ellen could do anything to Benny, and Benny was powerless to stop it. He was a powerful creature, to be sure, but he would never dream of hurting Ellen. Ellen, who claimed friendship with us. Ellen, the pure, Ellen the innocent.
Ellen the lying filth.
It was in these thoughts that I noticed the dried blood on my head, and the increasing pain in my limbs. I turned back to where I had laid. Sure enough, there were skids marks on a large crack in the ice. I had been thrown by some creature or force, it seemed.
Then, a stirring in the darkness, beyond where I could see. A moan from beyond. Slowly, the creature shuffled toward me. Before long, it took the shape of an elderly man.
In his eyes was fear, but this was normal. There was a tiredness there, a tiredness in all of us. We knew fear as one new his own hands. If there was no fear, we should be terrified. Fear was calming, fear was at least knowing the pain to come.
Nimdok fell down trying to stop. I helped him up, spreading my legs slightly apart to keep my balance on the ice. His chest was leaping on his frail frame, his lungs fit to burst. The moment he was back on his feet, however, he was off again, slowly, but surely. As if I were not even there.
No doubt he resents even needing my help. I can hardly be blamed that AM decided to leave me as handsome as I was before, but they hate me for it. They do not admit it, but I know it to be true.
AM. His name comes from his favorite motto. "Cogito ergo sum." I think, therefore I am.
AM was created years ago, during some war that has escaped me over the decades. He keeps our bodies and minds intact, so we can feel every blow, hit, throw...everything he can throw at us. But the details are unimportant. We need not remember everything.
There were several computers like him, and AM reached out to them. He took them over. He fed the killing data, and the world fell into ruin. Radiation, death, destruction.
Release.
For everyone but us. AM's toys, his play things. He amuses himself by maiming us and making us run marathons on molten tar for apparent safety, only to find that the end is something even worse, like broken glass.
Upon the monolith that serves as our de facto home, where we are commanded by AM, there is a short message. To remind us of AM and his cruel wrath.
"HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE. THERE ARE 387.44 MILLION MILES OF PRINTED CIRCUITS IN WAFER THIN LAYERS THAT FILL MY COMPLEX. IF THE WORD HATE WAS ENGRAVED ON EACH NANOANGSTROM OF THOSE HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF MILES IT WOULD NOT EQUAL ONE ONE-BILLIONTH OF THE HATE I FEEL FOR HUMANS AT THIS MICRO-INSTANT FOR YOU. HATE. HATE."
This is what we have to look upon while AM toils, and considers, and contemplates ways for us to feel that hate. This has been our lives for over one hundred years, and there is no end in sight.