A/N: Jennifer East is an OC merc who does have a backstory, but it's written in my head not on here. In a nutshell, she used to work for SHIELD, but broke out and eventually joined the original Agency X before Marvel got bored and turned Alex into an obese loser who nobody likes. This fic is AU and assumes that Agency X never broke down, but instead continued to operate out of Alpine Park and recruited new members to join in the fun. This is it, people. Hold on to your integrity.
What would have happened if Marvel didn't cop out on Agent X and cancel the book? Where would Alex and Tasky be now? And what of Sandy and Inez? Still getting drunk and groping each other? (Or was that all just another of Alex's lovely dreams? – We sure hope not!) Join the gang at Agency X for fun, frolics and Fruit Winders – PVC abounds in The All-New Adventures of Alex Hayden!
The phone buzzed and Alex sat up sharply. Wiping the drool from his mouth, he snatched up the receiver and cleared his throat.
"Er, hello?" the voice on the other end of the phone said.
"Agency X," Alex recited groggily, still rubbing the sleep out of his eyes with his other, slightly crusty hand.
"Is this Agency X?"
"Did I just say that?" Shaking his head slightly, Alex tried to focus on the desk. There were two desks. Two desks and a bottle of absinthe. An empty bottle of absinthe. "Aw, crap," he said out loud.
"Excuse me?" the voice said, beginning to sound irked.
"Sorry, ah…well you see, last night we had a party, and there may have been alcohol but I can't remember. And this morning there's no absinthe, but I can't decide if that's because I drank it or if there was an empty bottle in the first place."
There was a pause.
"Hello?" Alex said, starting to wonder if he'd imagined the whole conversation.
"I'm still here," the voice said. "And it sounds to me like either you're nuts, or you're hung over. I'm kind of hoping it's neither, because I'm not sure a lunatic or an alcoholic with a desk job could help me with what I called for."
"'Kay," Alex said, examining the empty bottle. "What did you call for?"
"This is Agency X right?"
Alex narrowed his eyes trying to remember if this question had already been addressed. Maybe it was a trick.
"Uh, yeah."
"Jobs done, questions none?"
"Uh, sure."
"So I give you a job and pay you and you do it and don't ask anything about it. Or me."
"That's the general idea. Is this a genuine call or am I on KBBL?"
"What's KBBL?"
"Isn't that the generic name they give to radio stations?"
"Probably. Look, buddy, I have a job for ya. And it ain't pretty."
"We do ugly also," Alex said. He glanced at Sandi's photo of Tasky that sat on the desk in a pink frame with little plastic flowers glued onto it. "In fact, we got a whole world of ugly working for us right here at Agency X."
"Excellent," the voice said.
"Heh. X-cellent. Good one," Alex said. He was now rooting around in the desk drawer looking for a Fruit Winder. "So you wanna come down here?"
"I'm not sure that's a good idea," the voice said. "Can we meet somewhere?"
"Sure," Alex replied, tearing open the wrapper of his favourite rolled snack. "But please not somewhere black tie – my DJ is still at the dry cleaner's."
"Fine, let's meet at the corner of 56th and Park. And look inconspicuous."
"Inconspicuous is my middle name," Alex said, wiping his now rather sticky hand on the sleeve of his blue and yellow Hawaiian shirt.
"Twelve noon today," the voice said.
"'Kay," Alex said again. "See you later alligator."
There was a click. Alex put the phone back in its cradle and threw his Winder wrapper in the bin.
Footsteps out in the park alerted Alex to the fact that he wasn't alone, so he stood up, not wishing to be ambushed, and strolled outside, another Winder in hand.
"Oh, there you are," Jennifer said, throwing her spent cigarette to the ground. Alex stared.
"Do you mind? This park has an anti-littering policy!"
"I don't see a sign. Anywho, I came to tell you we got full payment and interest from the last job. And I'm taking the bonus."
"Noffair!" Alex mumbled through a mouth full of reconstituted fruit and animal by-product. On second thought, believing there was any fruit in there was a tad naïve. He swallowed. "Why do you get the bonus?"
"I seduced a fat man. You get near that much pork you need compensation."
"You knew you had to do that," Alex said, still disbelieving. "We flipped for it."
"Uhuh," Jennifer scowled. "Believe me, I deserve that cash. You'll get your chance."
Alex scowled again and finished his second Winder. He ambled towards the carousel, and Jennifer followed.
"Anyway, is that all you came to tell me?" he said, climbing onto the nearest horse, which had the word 'Tasky' crudely painted on one side in congealed blood.
"No, I came to see if there's any more work going. I'm getting bored. And I'm getting bored of these crappy jobs. I could be working for S.H.I.E.L.D., y'know."
"Oh yeah, like you'd want to do that. You'd rather have groped ten of that fat guy's ass than still be stuck up there in that tin can."
"True." Jennifer stepped up onto the carousel, and took the horse next to Alex's. This one bore the legend 'Clooney'.
"Actually I got a call. Some weird sounding guy. Kept repeating what I'd already said. I think…" Alex looked thoughtful for a minute, then shrugged. "Wants to meet later. Inconspicuous. No idea what he wants."
"Sounds interesting," Jennifer said, patting Clooney. "This thing doesn't work any more does it?"
"Not since I threw up on the control box."
"Thought not. You going?"
"To meet this incognito dude? I guess so. He was pretty convinced nobody could find out about whatever job it is he wants us to do."
"Kay, well I'll come too. Incognito is my thing." Jennifer stood up and hopped off the carousel platform.
"You suiting up?"
"I don't think that's necessary. I could show up in 10-inch platforms and an afro wig and you'd still be more noticeable. I'm going to find some lunch."
"I have Fruit Winders," Alex said eagerly, but he doubted Jennifer shared his passion for rolled goods, and, as he expected, she left without answering.