Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish that I could forget it all. I pray I could forget his comforting touch, his beautiful voice, his warm welcoming hands. I wish I just didn't have to remember any of that… I wish I didn't have to remember how being with him made my feel safe. As if just one time in my screwed up, twisted life, everything was going to be ok. And most of all, I wish that the saying "the home is where the heart is" wasn't true… because he was… no, is, my only home… as he has my heart.
He left; he left me to fend for my self in this sorry excuse for a world without a single word. He just walked away, step by step, until his outline was no longer visible and the dust his feet kicked up was now lying on the ground. He didn't look back; to anybody it was as if he didn't know me, just crossed by me on the street. As if when I said those words, they meant nothing to him, and he just shut down, lost all emotion, walked away and erased me out of his life. But I don't want to be erased again. I can't be erased again. I can't be thrown away, I can't be put to the side, I can't be last on someone's list again, not after, for the first time, he made me feel like the first.
When I was broken, when I had nothing, he gave me everything. He gave me the world, because for me, he is my world. He fixed me piece by piece. He made me complete again. He gave me something to fight for, something live for and something to die for. He brought the fire back into my eyes, he brought the passion back into my soul… he healed my shattered heart with every word or touch. But he destroyed me again. Before he came, I didn't think things could get any worse, I thought I was in the deepest pits of hell, I thought this is what true pain felt like. I was wrong. When he left, for a while there was nothing. Then came the pain. It started slowly, like someone dropping water onto your head from a bucket. It starts as trickle, but then comes crashing down all at once. But it wasn't water, no it was lava, it was every horrible, harming object crashing onto you and completely torturing you leaving you empty. It felt like a dagger was plunging into my heart over, and over again cutting it up to pieces, except this time, it was irreparable by no one other than he caused it to brake… as no matter how much he pushes me down, he's the only thing that can ever bring me up.
Ill never again be enveloped in his strong secure arms that protected me from every harm the world could throw at me. Ill never hear him call my crazy wild golden hair "gorgeous princess curls" ever again. Ill never be able to run my hands through his raven black hair as he laid on my lap and we sat in loving silence. Ill never loose myself in those mesmerising sea green eyes that are so full of depth and emotion. The ones that gazed down at me with something I thought was love. Ill never kiss those lips again, the same ones that tasted of home and made me forget everything. And ill never here his heart thumping the same rhythm as mine, reminding me that I'm not alone in this, and will never be as long as he is beside me.
But he's not beside me, nor will he ever be, so I was alone again. I went back to the world of nightmares, monsters, killers, and rapists that he helped me escape. I neared the verge of absolute madness without him… I thought he knew how much I need him. I thought he knew this would happen if he ever left. He was my only light in this dark place.. and I need him like I need air. I thought he knew, I thought he was the first to understand, the first to care, the first to love…
It's been 4 years since he left, but I've never gotten over him… not once. I still don't have a home, nor do I have a proper heart to function with. He took everything and left me nothing. The nightmares got worse, I've nearly killed my self multiple times, it's pure luck that I manage to wake up before any serious damage occurs… this is what he's done to me, this is what I've become. I tried to forget him, tried to think that he was just a dream so I could get over him, the amusing part is, that even if he was a dream, he ended in a nightmare, proving that nothing good is possible to happen to me. But I couldn't… not even for a second. He never left my mind. And as much as I hate to say… on the days I couldn't take it and was ready to give up… I would visit the old memories of us, when I felt safe and cared for and loved, it was the only thing keeping me from giving up. Ironic how he is the reason I want to give up in the first place, yet he is also the reason that I haven't… but no matter what happens. I cant stop loving him, never have never will. And I know if I ever see him again… I will break all over again, even worse than before… because seeing him means that he is fine, he is happy, why else would he be in public where I live? And if he's happy, it truly means none of that was real, nothing we shared meant anything to him. if that's true, I don't think the memories I have of him will work anymore, as one of the few things that kept them real was the love that radiated off of him just for me. And if the memories no longer work, I'm fairly certain I will die.
That's why he couldn't come back, he couldn't come and ruin this any more than its already been messed up. As much as he has the ability to fix me again, it wont matter because he was done with me, he was finished the moment he turned his back on me 4 years ago… meaning the only thing left that he could do, is break me even more. But I didn't have to worry so much about it as there's no possibility of him ever returning, I was left to myself once again.
But remember how I said nothing good can ever happen to me… ya well, here's something else to back up that statement…
He came back.