Disclaimer: I don't own them. :(
I may be absolutely crazy, but I've found myself head-first into a multi-chapter fic. This is my first in the CSI/GSR fandom, so I hope all goes well. I'd like to thank mingsmommy for the beta, princessklutz04 for reading and nuding me along and to ardvari for making me not give up on this.
The title--Luctor et Emergo--means "I struggle, but I'll survive", which I thought was fitting for Sara. :)
Morning has come, another day
I must pack my bags and say goodbye...
-- Hands to Heaven by Breathe
Everything comes full circle. I took a cab when I first arrived in Vegas and now I was taking one to leave. Except, my arrival here was a markedly more happy one. It brought me to Gil, I was full of excitement and the sun was shining, making my future here look bright. Now I was leaving him, my mind full of uncertainly, and I was sneaking away in the night, my future beyond the city unknown.
Tears cloud my vision as I scanned the Vegas strip, lights touching everything. It's funny, after so many years of living here, I'd never really stopped to enjoy the beauty the city holds. Behind the façade of money, sex and drugs, there is something inherently beautiful about the numerous hotels and flashing lights and water displays. There's something comforting about the light we've created in the desert.
Unfortunately, my job deals with the darker side of Vegas, which clouds the beauty tourists flock here to see. Despite dealing with death all day I love—loved—my job; I felt like I gave innocent people the justice they deserved. But not anymore; instead, it weighs me down and just makes me realize even more how twisted and cruel people are.
Frantically, I glance left and right, wondering if I was doing the right thing. I felt so lost sitting here trying to contemplate my future. So many things in my life just started piling up on each other; I don't even know the real reason I'm leaving.
I need to sort myself out.
If I were normal, I'd be getting married soon. But I'm not, and I know that. I can feel myself breaking apart at the invisible seams that barely hold me together. I don't want my friends to see the empty shell I've become.
I really don't want Gil to see me unravel and have him try so hard to help me pick up the pieces. Because I know he would. He'd smooth back my hair, press kisses to my forehead and tell me everything would be okay. That we could fix it together.
I let out another choked sob and I see the cabbie look up at me through the rearview mirror. His eyebrows furrow slightly. "You okay, Miss?"
"Yeah, fine," I say shakily. He can see through my lie, but I don't care. He doesn't know the pain I'm going through.
My mind is in hyper drive. The words of my letter are burned in my mind. But I knew I would never be able to tell him to his face I was leaving. He'd pull me into a hug and I'd be lost in the comfort of his body.
Gil, you know I love you. I feel I've loved you forever. Lately, I haven't been feeling very well. Truth be told, I'm tired.
I wouldn't have had the nerve to leave.
That's why I left the way I did.
With Gil, the whole world disappears and it's just us. He makes me forget my problems and makes me feel so incredibly loved. But when he's gone, I allow myself to think of all the horrible things from my past. And after…Natalie, I realized, I never really killed those demons.
Since my father died, I've spent most of my entire life with ghosts. We've been like close friends, and out there in the desert, it occurred to me it was time for me to bury them.
They follow me around like a piece of gum you can't quite get rid of on the bottom of your shoe.
I need to find myself. I need to find peace within myself. And to do that I can't be with Gil. I hope he'll find the strength to forgive me one day.
I can't do that here.
No matter how hard I try to fight it off, I'm left with the feeling that I have to go. I have no idea where I'm going, but I know I have to do this. If I don't, I'm afraid I'll self-destruct—and worse, you'll be there to see it happen.
The city lights still burn bright as I turn around and take one last look at the city I've called home for almost nine years. Tears burn behind my eyes as I think of all the things I'm leaving behind; I'm leaving a home, a job, friendships, and the most important person in my life.
I turn back around and let the silent tears flow.
Know that you are my one and only. I'll miss you with every beat of my heart.
Goodbye.