Let's see where to begin, the poisoned pen, the malevolent laugh, and the fact that all of our emotions are running a bit thin recently. While I'm trying to get to the bottom of this case Matt just sits there with his eyes glued to that stupid little game. Over and over he plays it, beating it every time. It's obvious that he's already shut off the world.

No matter what I say to him he just sits there nods his head and grunts. I sighed as I walked into the apartment and noticed that yet again he was sitting on the couch engrossed into his game. I broke off a chunk of chocolate and put it in my mouth. Groaning I sat down on the opposite side of him.

I turned to the side and rammed my boot into Matt's thigh. "Hey prick! Look up from your fucking game once in a while!" To my surprise he actually paused his game long enough to look up, sigh and go back to his game.

His eyes showed no signs of life in them at all. I stood up and began walking to my room. I kicked off my boots and shrugged off my vest revealing my guns over my nearly skin tight black t-shirt. I unhooked the holster containing my weapons and set it on my dresser. I turned around and punched the wall by my door, leaving an indent in the wall.

Shaking my hand easing the pain I laid on my bed and stretched out my arms. "FUCK!" I yelled as I slammed my hands down onto the bed. Matt walked into the room, eyes still glued to his game and he tossed a bar of chocolate by my side.

"Quite fucking whining." I glared at him as he walked back out. "There's only me and you here and really Mels, I don't want hear it." Still glaring at the door where he had just exited I broke off a piece of chocolate and put it into my mouth and mumbled the word ass. "HEY MELS!" I groaned.

"What!?"

I heard him chuckle only adding to my frustration. "Never mind!" I wanted to get up and shove my gun down his throat and pull the trigger. But no, I can't kill my best friend, no matter how much he pisses me off. The only emotion I have felt in a long time seemed to have been anger, and a lot of it. He walked back into my room this time without his game. "You mad Mels?"

"Oh no, not at all. Because you know, Near is only getting further lead on this case and I have no more places to look. I can't hardly think straight and you're fucking toying with me!" I yelled before putting another piece of chocolate into my mouth. My nose wrinkled and I slammed the rest on the bedside table next to me.

Matt just smiled a little and sat on the edge of my bed. "Oh chill." His eyes were still lifeless even though he mastered fake emotions. There was happy, completely happy written all over his face but his eyes screamed death. In them I could see pictures of L, and the Wammy house. Pain seemed to be the only emotion he felt anymore.

"Matt.." I trailed off not sure of what to say next. He looked at me and obviously he saw something in my eyes that mirror hid. I saw sympathy in him as his expression shifted. "Forget about it. Just get out of my room." His hand rested on my calf as he pushed himself to a standing position.

"Go to sleep. Maybe you'll feel better when you wake up." He walked out of the room turning the lights off as he went. I shrugged off my leather pants and tossed them to the side leaving me in my boxers and my shirt. I slid myself under my comforter and exhaled as my body relaxed. Closing my eyes I drifted off into a nightmare filled sleep.

Running. Constantly running but never looking behind me. I didn't even know what I was running from but I didn't stop. I pushed myself further, sweat pouring down my face and the icy air burning my lungs with each intake of breath. It hurt, my sides ached knowing I wasn't going to stop running. The bang of a gun and the pain in my chest knocking me back. The cackling laughter came from all around as I fell to the ground. I looked at my hands that were now covered in crimson colored blood. I coughed, more blood splattering from my mouth.

I woke up, my body drenched in sweat. I looked down to see if I was really bleeding and when I looked up Matt was standing in my doorway. I jumped back, startled by his sudden image. "You okay?" Two words nearly broke me. I could feel the knot swelling in my throat and my eyes sting with the sensation of tears. "I could hear your screams from my room."

"Sorry." I muttered as best as I could.

He walked over and sat next to me, facing away. My room was almost pitch black and if it were for the tiny crack of light coming from a dimly lit room down the hall I wouldn't have been able to see anything. "Another nightmare?" he asked. It was almost a stupid question, but yet it was one that made me feel like breaking again. Each word he spoke made me feel like I was being shot, over and over again. "What was this one about?"

"The same thing." I said with a sigh. He handed me a glass, I smelled it before I took a drink, water. Great for my soar throat.

"Ever figure out what you're running from?" He was still faced away from me. I ran my hands through my hair and mumbled a no. He held his hand behind his back. "Asprin?" Noting the headache that seemed to scream at me now I took them and finished off the water. My throat felt better. "Try and go back to sleep." He stood up and before I even realized what I was doing my hand grabbed his arm. He stopped.

"Don't leave." I didn't look up afraid that he was looking at me. I felt him sit down next to me. "Promise that you'll be here when I wake up."

"I promise." I sighed with relief and moved so I was under my blankets again and I turned my back away from him. I felt him do the same before both of us dozed off. This time when I woke up my room was brighter, the light showed itself through the curtains. I looked over my shoulder to see Matt still asleep by my side. I felt bad for making him stay with me, but when you're scared that you won't wake up in the morning you'll do anything to keep from being alone.

I slid out of my bed trying not to wake him up and by the time I got to the kitchen for something cold to drink I realized that I failed. "What happened to being there when you woke up? Thought that worked both ways..?" He yawned and rubbed his eyes. I handed him a glass of orange juice.

"Sorry. Had to pee and I was thirsty."

"It's alright. I'm just playing." he took the glass and finished it in a single gulp, or so it seemed. "Feel any better now?" Now that he mentioned it my headache was gone and the lump in my throat disappeared. I nodded. "Good."

I still didn't feel anymore relaxed than I had before I went to sleep and I felt even more worried this morning. Worried that last night I had done something in my sleep that I shouldn't have, talked in my sleep and said something that should have stayed in my mind. Matt didn't say anything about it, but, he only woke up a few moments ago.

I stretched and noticed that I was still in my boxers and t-shirt. Matt didn't seem to be wearing much more. In fact the only difference between us was that he was wearing sweat pants without a shirt. How had I not noticed that?

He looked at me hesitantly as if afraid of my every move. I wanted so desperately to ask what was wrong but the words just wouldn't form. I yawned instead. "Still tired?"

"Yeah, I don't feel rested at all."

"Well go back to bed then."

"I don't want to.."I hesitated a moment before continuing. "I don't want to be alone."

"Mels, when have I ever left you alone when you didn't want to be? I'll still be in the house if you want to sleep alone."

I just shook my head and walked to the couch and sat down. Leaning my head again the arm I felt the other side of the couch move indicating that Matt had followed me. I closed my eyes and listened to the clicking of the buttons on his game. Drifting off into sleep once again, the sound got quieter until it wasn't audible.

Standing in the middle of a blizzard I looked around. I couldn't tell where I was. But something that glistened caught my eye. I turned around to see what was shining being pointed in my face. The gun looked familiar and so did the hand holding it. I looked up slowly from the gun to see Matt.

"Come on Mels." his voice was different, evil. He grinned. He handed me the other gun and watched me point it to my temple. "Pull the trigger. You've done it before. Maybe after you do, you won't feel like shit!" He went from coaxing me into killing myself to screaming at me to do so. I knew exactly what he was talking about.

He was talking about Hope. "It was an accident Matt! I didn't mean to! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry..." I dropped the gun and fell to my knees.

I felt my shoulder's shake back and forth. My eyes popped open just as Matt pulled the trigger in my dream. I jolted upright, smacking my forehead against Matt's. "Damn it!"

"Sorry.." he said as he sat back down. "You were talking in your sleep.. What were you dreaming about this time? You kept saying you were sorry for something."

I pinched my eyes shut and laid back down. "It was nothing."

"You keep saying that.. But it's obviously something." He was right. It was something. It was Hope. It was an accident. It was a dream because to this day Matt doesn't use a gun, unless absolutely necessary. He wont touch one. It was all my fault.

I hadn't had the gun for long when it happened. We were just playing around like we had done every day. Except instead of water guns, I had a real one. They warned me not to pull the trigger. I promised that I wouldn't. I didn't even think that it was loaded that day. I could have sworn that I had emptied the clip. But the bullet in Hope's chest said otherwise.

I killed her. Today was filled with regretful thoughts and the pestering of Matt. I still hadn't told him. Who knows what he would do. "Do you want to sleep alone tonight?" He asked me as we walked back into the apartment for the night.

I nodded my head as I dropped my stuff by the door and walked to my room. I changed out of my clothes and into pajamas. Collapsing on the bed I sighed with exhaustion. Before I knew it, I was asleep again.

Her laughter echoed throughout my ears. Just like it had the day she died. Hope's dark hair blew in the wind as she chased Matt around. I looked down at my body, I was eleven again. Looking up at them, so were they. I felt my body move but I felt as if I was still standing still. "Hope I wanna play too!" I heard myself yell out towards them.

Matt turned around and tackled me. "You're it then!" He said as he jumped up and ran away. I heard myself laugh and felt my body get up.

"You're gunna lose Mello!" Hope said as she ran past me. When I stood up I blinked and look at her.

"Oh yeah? Says who!?" I pointed my gun at her and yelled bang before I pulled the trigger. I saw her drop to the ground and Matt ran over to her. "Hope?" I asked as I dropped the gun. Watari, Near and L stepped from around the corner. Matt stood up covered in blood. "I didn't mean to..." I felt myself begin to cry.

Hope stood up. She was covered in blood, it dripped from her mouth. "You killed me Mello." her voice was melodic. "It's all your fault that I'm dead." the others joined in as they began walking towards me.

"It's your fault Mello. You killed her. She's dead because of you."

I woke up gasping for air. Every night I feel like the life is taken out of me. I looked around for Matt, but he wasn't in the room. I must not have been that loud. I walked over to the dresser and got my gun then carried it to the night stand.

"Mello..." A mere whisper in my ear sent chills up my spine. I looked around, but I was alone. "Mello..." the voice got a little loud and more reconizable. I closed my eyes and images of Hope and Matt began running through my head. "Mello.." her voice faded out of the room. I followed it. My name being whispered through the small apartment. "Mello.." I stopped at the door of Matt's bedroom. I didn't realize that I still had my gun in my hand until that moment.

I gulped and turned the handle on the door. "Mello..." her voice got louder again. "Mello!" She screamed in my ear. I winced and my hands few up to my ears, covering them. I dropped to my knees and gripped at my hair. "You're alone Mello." she said. "You'll always be alone." Hope appeared before me. "Do you see him?" she asked as she pointed to the bed. "You killed him too. By killing me. He'll never trust you again. He'll never view you as a friend again. You're alone Mello! You'll always be alone Mello!"

She screamed at me over and over. "No!" I yelled. Matt sat upright in his bed.

"Mello?" He asked looking at me wide eyed.

"I'm sorry.." I said as I pressed my forehead to the floor, gun still in my hand, fingers still in my hair. "I didn't mean to Hope.. I'm sorry.."

I heard Matt sigh. "Mello.. Please stand up.." I made no effort to move. "Mello..?" My grip on the gun tightened as much as it could. "Mello. Drop the gun.. Please.." Slowly I moved the gun to my temple. "Mello! Stop!" Matt's hands found mine and he pulled the gun away from me. "Don't do it! It's not worth it!"

"I don't know..." My voice was broken by the tears and the lump in my throat. "Matt I'm sorry..."

"For what? You didn't do anything wrong."

"I killed her.. I killed her Matt.. How is that not wrong?"

"It was an accident..." His voice showed that he was lying. I knew that he didn't believe himself. "Come on.. Stand up.. You need to go to sleep.."

"No. I don't want to sleep anymore.. I can't take it. She's there every time I close my eyes."

"You can't stay awake forever."

"Yes. I can. And I will." I knew right then the words coming out of my mouth were lies. I couldn't stay awake for ever. But I lasted a few days. Two days and thirteen hours before I passed out on the couch.

"Mello..." It was her voice again. Calling from behind. "Mello..." I turned around to see her with a gun pointed to my chest. "Mello.. I think it's your turn." Hope's image morphed into Matt.

"Come on Mel's. You'll survive this won't you?" That evil look was back. "Then again... Maybe not." He pulled the trigger.

My body jerked up and I grabbed my chest. My heart was pounding to fast and the blood was too much. I felt it pour out of my mouth and off to the side. "Matt.." My voice was too low for him to hear. My heart began pounding faster and harder before it finally stopped. My eye lids fluttered closed. "I'm sorry I left you alone."