Disclaimer: I own nothing relating to Bridget Jones. Other than the book, that is sitting in my shelf!
Introducing Daniel Cleaver by Anja Boyce
My name is Daniel Cleaver. I work in a publishing firm in London and do you know what? … Life couldn't be better! I'm single and if I don't say so myself, have my pick of women. I'm educated, Cambridge, you know. I come from a rich family and am quite exceptionally attractive. So as you can see it comes easy for me to get laid.
As for all this serious relationship crap! I'm just not interested. It's a total waste of time. I mean, what happens? You start going out, learn all about each other and have great sex for the first two weeks. You think to yourself, "Great, this is working." Then, it goes downhill. Its little things…you know. She starts to want you to cuddle her after sex. Big no, no! I mean, I'm tired out! Then she starts leaving make up in your flat and items of clothing. Guys, you know what that's all about don't you. Well, she's marking her territory. Any girl coming to your flat and seeing all that crap knows you're with someone. But what I hate above all is when six months in to going out she starts to let herself slip. It starts with the bikini line. Maybe not getting it waxed as often. But it gets worse. Next, it's the legs. As you slide your hand up her legs, gone are the smooth, silky legs of your first night together. Yuck! There is nothing worse. Then, it gets all "Lets have a quiet night in, watch some videos, Daniel." She doesn't wash her hair for the occasion or put any make up on. It's just not good enough. Where did the effort go? Then you know it's over. She's getting too comfortable. Next, she'll be telling you she loves you. God, I'm actually shaking at the thought. I'm young. I don't want to settle down.
So, yeah. Life is good. I don't need a woman. I can have as much sex as I want single. And let me tell you, its good sex! Last night I brought this nice little honey from the accounts office back. She was dead eager to please the boss in more ways than one. Sorry, I stray from the point. I was arguing with a married mate the other day. He was saying that when you find the one, that's it! He said that your whole perception of women changes. And this man used to be a right shit to women. Now, I can't even get him in a strip bar. It's awful. That will never happen to me!
I sat at my desk the other day. I eyed one of the girls in the office. She'd come in that day late and was sat chatting on the phone. No doubt to one of her silly little friends. They are always phoning her about something or another. I contemplated what I thought of her as my next project. I did have my doubts. After the last time, I had decided not to screw the crew. You know, don't shag the payroll and all that. Well, people outside of my office were allowed. I didn't have to see them everyday. But should I go for this, Bridget one? I knew she'd be easy. Maybe she'd give me a blowjob in the toilets one day during my break.
She walked past my office and looked in. She blushed. As she swiftly looked away I gazed at the short length of her shirt. I began to follow my usual assessment of potential ladies. Height? Yeah, tall enough. I won't have to crouch to kiss her. Yes, but just short enough to be able to lift easily. That's always better when you're in bed with a girl! Okay, now weight? Could probably do with losing some weight. Actually, I don't know. I quite like her curves. Hair is average. Though, that's not really important. Oh, stunning eyes! Well, that's not really important either but it helps if you have to introduce her to your mates. Yeah, good lips. Seems to be a good all rounder. Not perfect, but then who is? I began to type an email to her. Something flirty, but not giving her the impression I want anything more than sex. Yes, that would do. I pressed return. I returned to my work and my computer instantly told me I had a message. I laughed to myself. So she had a sense of humour. She obviously wanted to play along with my game. This looked promising. Yes, very promising.
*******************
Hey all! Please feel free to review as you wish, bad or good! I am female, so I guess I got quite a lot of the male perspective wrong. I don't think all guys think like this at all. Its just that Daniel Cleaver is a bit of a different breed! Review now! It will only take a sec. Thanks for reading and I will update soon! Ax