Warnings: (especially) cracky!Sasuke! possible language! minor perversion!
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto
Sasuke suffers from a major bout of gender confusion. Konohagakure crack.
Identity Crisis
The panel of fluorescent lighting suspended over Uchiha Sasuke's rigid form flickered. It was probably just intimidated.
He shuffled farther down the aisle when prompted. A scanner sounded noisily as it scrutinized his purchases and he fumbled for his wallet in anticipation of paying. Why they made beautiful people like him pay was beyond him.
He rifled through it groggily, accidentally spilling a flyer for the game 'Mousetrap' onto the ceramic tiles of the supermarket checkout line.
(He was currently debating whether of not purchasing the game would provide any aid in trapping and killing Itachi. Mouse, weasel, they were all the same really.)
It was too early.
He should be in bed dreaming of Itachi's blood running over his perfectly manicured fingers. Or something pornographic, he was a teenage boy after all.
He grudgingly bent down to pick it up, running a pale hand through his spikier than normal hair.
You'd think living alone he'd be able to find the hairbrush, it's not like there was anyone else alive to misplace it.
He slapped the bills on the counter and moved his purchases, several tomatoes in varying sizes, farther down the line.
He forced himself to meet the gaze of the cashier, a plain girl with mousy brown hair and intolerable amount of enthusiasm. Her nametag read 'April' although it might as well have read 'Not Itachi' because Sasuke just didn't give a shit.
She took one look at Sasuke, smiled brightly (he flinched), and chirped, "Thanks for shopping, paper or plastic?"
To which Sasuke grunted, "Paper," because he was environmentally aware and knew damn well those plastic bags were non-recyclable.
"There's your total... and here's your change," the cashier sounded, while hitting each button on the cash register with a flourish. Sasuke scoffed.
The woman was obsolete, a trite existence. He could clearly read that information on the screen for himself.
He picked up his bags and turned to leave, the cashier calling after him with a good-natured half wave, "Have a nice day, ma'am!"
Sasuke froze. He shook his head in an effort to clear whatever innocuous substance had momentarily clouded his hearing.
A surprisingly gruff elderly woman barked out, "Hey lady, keep the line moving!"
Heat rose in his face as the already fragile circuits of his psyche began to short. Sasuke's mouth hung agape, his grip on the brown bag loosening.
A woman in the back juggling three toddlers and a stockpile of Captain Crunch loaded onto her cart yelled, "You're not supposed to be in the express lane anyway! Look at that! Does anyone else see this? She has 13 items!"
Sasuke dropped his bag to the floor and grabbed his ears as if in pain. He fled the store howling insistently (and somewhat femininely), "I'M A BOY!"
The other customers exchanged glances before the elderly woman whacked a bystander on the head with her cane.
"Move it, junior, if me and this prune juice don't get home in five there'll be hell to pay!"
Once on the streets, in the marketplace, in the open air and surrounded by rows of tomato stalls, Sasuke could breathe easier. He made a mental note:
'If ever again mistaken for a girl try not to shriek like a girl/ act like such a pussy.'
He sniffed; he had a reputation to uphold.
He approached the nearest vendor, a ruddy faced man who greatly resembled his produce, and demanded a dozen tomatoes.
After the fiasco in the supermarket Sasuke had an overwhelming urge to eat his feelings.
The man gripped his rotund stomach and belted out, "Whoa there, little lady, whatcha gonna do? Make toma'ter pie?"
The large man laughed so uproariously at his own sufficiently lame tomato pie joke (because such a thing is preposterous) that he failed to notice Sasuke squash an unfortunate vegetable in his clenched fist.
After denying himself an outlet in the form of squealing, having made a mental note and such things were always to be upheld, Sasuke alighted on a more agreeable solution.
Gathering the necessary chakra to his tomato splattered fist, Sasuke prepared to punch a whole through the funny man's obtrusive stomach.
"-STOP!"
Sasuke stared unabashedly at the individual foolish enough to halt his attack.
Rock Lee stood before him, arm outstretched, head hung low. His obscenely shiny hair fell in front of his eyes in an attempt to be dark and mysterious.
He also spoke in ominous and dramatic tones.
"Think about what you're doing, I can't allow you to-"
Just then Lee looked up and instantly took on a dazed expression. "Why...surely you are the most beautiful flower in Konoha! Fairer, I venture, than my Sakura-chan! I promise to protect you until..."
Never mind that he had met Sasuke on countless occasions and vowed to show him the merit of hard work versus genius by beating him to a pulp, currently Rock Lee thought Sasuke to be a beautiful maiden and was quite smitten with him(her?).
Strangely only one voice in Sasuke's head was roaring indignantly at everyone's apparent lapse in judgment. If he wasn't the perfect specimen of the male species then who was?
The rest of him was disposed with determining if there was any truth to their claims.
The young Uchiha barely noticed when Neji and Tenten, who had been basically standing there the whole time, stepped forward.
Tenten was appraising Sasuke with a harsh eye while simultaneously comparing their features.
Just what she needed: tough competition like this. If it came down to a fight for Neji why she'd jam a couple hundred senbon needles up the girl's pretty little-
Oh no, Tenten realized, eyes quickly sweeping her own figure, checking the back and then darting back to the new girl. She had a nice ass! Tenten took the offensive.
Ignoring Tenten's overt killing intent Neji strode arrogantly to where Sasuke's brain was ticking away and drawled, "Have we met?"
There was a glimmer of something in his pale eyes that made Sasuke nauseous and Tenten flammable.
Hellfire surrounded the weapon's mistress but when she turned to exact a graphic manner of punishment the 'new girl' was nowhere in sight.
Tenten congratulated herself, grabbed Lee (interrupting his monologue) and Neji by the ear, and hauled them back into whatever pit they stay in until the brief moments they're let out to be in the series.
Sasuke pressed his back hard against a nearby tin roof, trying not to breathe too hard, although winded. He didn't need to give those freaks any indication of his location.
If he had been man enough to peer over the edge he would've seen all of Team Gai disperse within thirty seconds. However, Sasuke stayed frozen, even as the tin heated up with the rising sun, searing his back.
He was starting to sweat faced with the blazing heat and his startling gender ambiguity.
Damn it, why had he worn a dark shirt today? Oh that's right, because he only changes his clothes every couple of plot arcs.
Sasuke sent chakra pounding to his legs as he shot through the trees towards Team 7's training area. During his brief stint on the roof he had, in a desperate attempt to get cool, shed his shirt.
He looked down at the frilly nightgown now draped over his upper body.
A single mother had seen him in the first stages of heat stroke, dragged him inside, and refused to get him water until he listened to her lectures about modesty and promiscuity.
"It's all fun and games, you tease, you flirt, but next thing you know you've got a baby and the rent's due..."
What's more during this emotional counsel she had thrust the stocky infant in his arms and he proceeded to burrow into Sasuke's non-existent bosom.
"You're a pretty girl, what's your name? 'Get the fuck away from me?' That's sort of a strange name. Don't worry I'm sure your mother didn't mean anything by it. Unless of course she's a single mother- what, your mother's dead? Was it the trials of raising you independently? Cause sometimes..."
All Sasuke could do in his frail state was continue to motion frantically for any form of hydration while the baby emptied more fluids than he could possibly contain onto his lap.
Sasuke was also forced to wear the clothing she offered.
(When questioned, the woman said she was too busy with her maternal duties to do the laundry this week and the pink nightgown was all she had. She then said 'Hell yeah!' rather forcefully and Sasuke had a startling image of Sakura in motherhood).
"But really, did you have any reason to be lying there with your gifts-from-god out in the open for everyone to see?"
The look on Sasuke's face must not have been the comprehension the young woman was looking for because she continued.
"Breasts, we're both strong, independent women here, breasts. Listen when I tell you you're on a dangerous path, girlfriend..."
Back in the present Sasuke gripped his chest and, for the thirtieth time, breathed a sigh of relief upon reassuring himself that he was not endowed with breasts of any size, and continued on his way.
Since then Nara Shikamaru had gone to the effort of conversing him, Chouji shyly offered him a sandwich, and Ino decked him in the jaw. Kiba licked him, Hinata's self esteem sunk immeasurably low, and Shino had serenaded him on the acoustical guitar.
Who knew the guy could play?
Sasuke didn't know what to think anymore, his thoughts were a jumble, tripping over each other, clawing to break free of his mind and form something legible. A few freaks, sure, but all of Konoha?
It could be worse, he reasoned, he could be unattractive.
Suddenly Sasuke felt the hairs rise on the back of his neck, before glimpsing a swirl of black and red and a shock of blue.
Although usually Sasuke would be masochistically ecstatic at this opportunity to get his assed whooped by his brother, he by no means wanted to confront him in a nightie.
"Sasuke," acknowledged Itachi, "you've gotten queer."
Kisame snickered giddily. "Your brother's a pussy!"
"Shut up," grumbled Itachi and Sasuke together.
Kisame, suddenly having gotten school-girl-giddy, was not one to let it go.
"Tell me, how long have you been a girl?"
"I am not a girl!"
"Are too."
"I'm a boy!"
"GIRL!"
"BOY!"
"GIRL!"
"BOY!"
Itachi cut in, "He's a boy."
Sasuke wasn't done yet, "GIRL!"
(This blunder really spoke to his upbringing because anyone who had any semblance of a childhood would've spotted this plot mechanism a mile away.)
Everyone blinked.
Itachi stepped forward and swung one arm to viscously backhand slap Sasuke across his delicate face. Sasuke let out a high pitched cry of pain and his eyes began to water.
Sasuke started sniffling.
Kisame, long since having broken out the harpseal (popcorn is to humans as harpseal is to sharks), was avidly watching the confrontation.
Extra butter, his favorite!
Sasuke suddenly threw himself on Itachi, who seemed too surprised at the contact to do anything but look superior. Sasuke gripped him around the waist and began sobbing into his Akatsuki cloak.
"I DON'T -hic- KNOW WHAT -sob- TO THINK ANYMORE!"
Sasuke promptly began to hyperventilate.
Itachi's face was turning green from all the touching.
Kisame set down his snack and rustled momentarily in his pocket, withdrawing a brown paper bag.
After prying the youngest Uchiha off the eldest the two managed to get Sasuke to breathe into the bag before he overoxigenated. Once they were sure he would live long enough to come after Itachi, the pair fled. Fast.
"Hate me, pansy," Itachi called over his shoulder as they darted away.
"Why didn't you kill him again?" asked Kisame, harpseal flapping in one hand.
Itachi just sped faster and mumbled something about desperately needing to shower.
Sasuke's leg twitched from where he lay on the forest floor. He probably needed more iron in his diet.
The fog in his mind slowly lifted. He was still hearing voices, though, and they were laughing uproariously.
Wait a minute.
Sasuke parted the bushes quickly to reveal his teammates, Sakura and Naruto, rolling on the ground in a fit of hysteria.
Naruto pointed at him and managed to choke out, "You-gasp-girl!"
To which Sakura tried to adopt a look of reprimand. "Naruto don't make fun of- snort-Sasuke-chan!"
"Sakura?" Sasuke murmured incredulously. Number one fangirl Sakura?
She seemed to sober up and clutched her hands together nervously, "Don't be mad Sasuke-kun, it's just a joke -giggle- we didn't know you were that unsecured in your masculinity!"
The two returned to cackling like undignified hyenas.
Sasuke turned on his heel and stomped off (probably to go cry sensitive tears) while Naruto made catcalls. ("Work it girl!")
"I almost feel bad," admitted Sakura, after whacking Naruto. The blonde had continued to holler even after Sasuke charged out of view.
Naruto rubbed his sore head, but was thankful he was cut off before his comments strayed farther into the inappropriate. (His last had been somewhat borderline, and contained detailed observations about the Uchiha's ass.)
"Yeah... it's not like he really needed more emotional scarring," he agreed.
There was a thoughtful silence with some light angsting.
"I said I almost feel bad," reminded Sakura.
"Oh, sorry, I thought you wanted me to feign guilt."
"Read a social cue, would you, Naruto? That comment obviously required measured agreement followed by something like 'he deserved it' or 'that'll teach that bastard'."
Sakura had retrieved a scroll marked "Lessons in Behavior for the Socially Inept" and was lecturing in the manner she adopted when talking about chakra or the ninja ranks.
Naruto, who was never very receptive to formal teaching, fidgeted. "I get it, Sakura-chan," he whined.
"Apology accepted," she huffed.
He leaned forward excitedly. "Yeah whatever, do you have it?"
Sakura abandoned her lesson and snapped to attention excitedly.
"Right here." She gestured to a tape hidden at her side.
Naruto and Sakura exchanged a glance while pocketing the footage they'd shot of Sasuke's lapse in coherency. It didn't matter that if they opened their wallets right now a couple moths would fly out, every penny spent bribing the residents of Konoha to instill gender confusion on the young Uchiha had been very very worth it.
A/N: "EBAY!" Naruto and Sakura squealed. :D/ Opinions? --hides--