A flaw here, a memory there. An echo of a voice, eyes you once caught. A secret there, a reminder here. Everything haunts you, but you can't cry. You can never cry again. For you no longer have a right to the mere shedding of your own tears.
You don't even deserve the blood that runs down your leg tonight.
You didn't belong in the first place, and now you've gone beyond unwelcome. Unwanted went to completely hated. It was gradual, but you finally got here. It's not something you wanted, it was inevitable. You are just terrible in every way. More than the failure they always told you you were. Complete trash is what you are. You try so hard but in the end all you are is worse than nothing, hindering things far more than helping when you didn't even belong in the first place. Your pathetic attempts to find a place in this world are what make you the scum of the Earth.
The worst scum there is.
You're stubborn and scarred, that much is true, but Cynical Flowers Can't Say No to Rosemary.
You walk in the room with a relaxed frown, toting your bags full of belongings. Today is your first day of college and you finally got to get away from those "parents" and "friends" of yours. The first thing you see is the comfy beige carpet. The second thing you see is the back of a flowy, bright red skirt that reaches the carpet. Your eyes slowly move up to rest on jet black hair, short and well-kept. The girl turns around, holding a small digital clock. You take note of the detail at the front of the skirt, which you find is ever-so slightly glittery as it shimmers in the light. You find that the black and green colors on the girl's t-shirt compliment the red skirt quite nicely. At the same time, you also happen to notice her full lips which appear to have black lipstick applied to them neatly. The shape of her mouth has you lost for a second before you realize she is speaking.
"-And oh dear I haven't reapplied my lipstick since this morning. How sloppy of me, I do apologize."
You blink and open your mouth to answer but decide against it as you watch the green stick of makeup glide across her smooth, silky lips. As she stands in front of the mirror next to the bathroom door, you idly wonder why you are so fixated on her mouth, it strikes you as a bit creepy on your part. Her slightly bent posture towards her refelction, intent on her visage, has you very interested. Her figure is a pirstene hourglass and her attractive appearance sends a pang right through you. You hope your face doesn't show your anxiety.
She straightens up, capping the lipstick and smoothing the green by sliding her lips together side to side. The girl you still don't know the name of looks at you expectantly before addressing you once again.
"Not much of a talker, I see?" The pretty girl says.
You register her voice and snap back to full-on reality. "Not especially, but I wouldn't call myself introverted. I'm Rose Lalonde, we appear to be room mates?"
She holds out a hand and you take it. Her skin is pale and smooth, nails perfect with green and purple polish. The purple designs on green shine match the purple ribbon that wraps around her slim waist.
"Kanaya Maryam. I did say that before but you seemed to be off in another world."
She spoke with a warm smile. Green did suit her well.
"Sorry," You apologize with a short smile in return. How formal this person is. Kanaya.
"Well," Kanaya said, surveying the dorm. "If you'd like, we could split the room in half. I don't know how you feel about these things but I'd like to respect your wishes if possible."
"It's fine," You say, setting your two bags down on the empty bed. You rest your hands on your hips and scan your surroundings. To the left of the front door is where you're standing. There are two beds and two night stands between them. Your bed is on the left, closest to the door. Straight across from the entrance is a medium-sized television set on a large dresser. To the right of the dresser appears to be the aforementioned restroom, a rectangular mirror is set vertical in between them. On the other side of the room is a dinky kitchenette, prodominantly a soft yellow. The place has an overall old home-like feel.
You sit on your bed and begin to feel slightly underdressed compared to your new room mate. Her beautiful look makes you look like, well, trash. You're only wearing a white and purple t-shirt with jeans, after all. Your only pair of jeans too. You thought you would blend better during your introduction to the campus this way but that clearly is not the case. You decide to change into your usual purple skirt.
As you unzip your bag, you see from the corner of your eye that Kanaya is watching you. Pulling out the folded long skirt, you stand up and walk to the bathroom past Kanaya. You walk into the restroom and set your clothes on the sink counter before sliding the closet-type door closed. You make sure to flip the little lock piece into the loop before slipping out of your jeans and carefully sliding on your skirt. It goes halfway down your calf, which is a convenient length for you. You love this skirt.
Unlatching the lock, you push open the door and step out. Kanaya is sitting on her bed, organizing her night stand. You decide this time you might contribute a bit to the introduction.
"So what do you major in?" You force a smile. You're good at it, no one can ever tell it's always fake.
"I chose Culinary Arts. It wasn't my first choice but it was the optimal course of study, all things considered," She said, picking up her digital clock from her bag and tweeking the bottom.
"Oh?" You say, slightly intrigued. "What happened, or is that too personal."
Kanaya sighs and sets the clock on her night stand. "My father has a few restaurants that need to be taken over and I must be a qualified heir."
"I see," You say, stepping over to your own bed and climbing on. "That's rather unfortunate. What was your first choice?"
"I would have loved to study Horticulture. Plant life was always wonderous to me. I took a couple classes in High School, the greenhouse was probably my favorite place," She says, smoothing the soft fabric of her skirt. "It was so relaxing, and the way you could make somethig grow on your own was just the greatest thing. The colors and just everything was beautiful."
You nod in understanding, thinking about it when you are pulled out of your reverie.
"What is it that you major in?"
Looking up, you see her curious green eyes. Jade green.
"I chose performing arts," You say simply. "I'm under the impression there are many things you can do with such a degree. I hope someday I'll get over my minor stage fright."
More than intrigued look adorned, Kanaya scoots to match your position on your bed. "What do you desire to do?"
You sigh. "I intend to do something that doesn't have much to do with performing, truthfully."
"Well, what is it?" She says with her warm smile.
"It sounds foolish," You say, slightly embarassed. "But I'd love to have a maid cafe."
The girl's face seems to light up. "Oh goodness, do you enjoy anime?"
"Some, yes, though I just like the concept of a restaurant like that," You say, trying hard not to sound like a weird, perverse lesbian.
Kanaya clasps her hands together and brings them to her chest. "How adorable, I also find the idea of little maid cafes quite endearing. I think that the best part is how waitresses can also be actors of sorts."
"Exactly!" You exclaim. "As manager I could also dictate events, decor, menus, staff, everything. I could do anything, it would be wonderful."
You calm down from your ever-so slightly more excited state as Kanaya's features soften.
"You mean it WILL be wonderful. A splendid Japanese-style restaurant will belong to Rose Lalonde soon enough. It'll be a smashing hit, wherever it is to be located," She says with determination.
"New York," You pipe up. You can't help but smile the tiniest bit. An honest smile.
"Ah, another thing I thought I wanted to do when I was a child. Be an actor on broadway," Kanaya explains.
"I always wanted to perform too," Only a hint of sadness is present in your voice. Surprisingly, your room mate detects it.
"What's wrong?" She asks with slight concern. There's a pause.
"It's not a big deal, I didn't get into any of the school plays I tried out for," You tell her with a, hopefully, reassuring upturn of the lips. "I know, it's stupid."
"If it's important to you it's not stupid," She tells you. "Though, I can tell you that the one time I got in a school play it was ludicrous. I got such an insubstantial part with very few lines but I was still obligated to attend every practice and meeting. Sometimes I was not involved and my presense was still required. I can assure you, you really were not missing much."
"I know," You say with a sad smile, feet barely touching the carpet as you swing them back and forth. "I just would have wanted the reassurance, mostly. Proof that I had a little skill."
Kanaya nods in a way that urges you to go on.
You continue. "Up until eighth grade I was determined to be a singer, it's all that kept me going and strong. I suppose one too many things took a toll on my view of reality?"
You pause. "I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense to you, it's not important at all."
She shakes her head as you laugh awkwardly.
"Do not apologize, I'm interested, and really I asked. After orientation would it be amiss if I were to ask a bit more about you?" She asked a bit hopefully. You looked at her face, pale yet fair skin. Her eyes that had such a lively gleam in their beautiful, colorful depths. Solid forest green. A color you realize you like a lot.
"I think that could be acceptable," You reply, slightly warily.
"Excellent!" Kanaya beams, jumping up and turning back to her half-empty suitcase. "I do hate to cut our exchange short but we really must be going momentarily!"
You nod and return to your own unpacking. With due caution, you open a small pocket inside the bag and hide the small object you find with it curled in your fingers, protected by your palm. You pull open the small empty drawer on your nightstand. You place the precious item in the back before quietly resealing the drawer. Kanaya thankfully takes no notice and hasn't even looked up from her rummaging.
With a tiny, hopefully inconspicuous, cardboard box and roll of paper towels, you head to the bathroom. You place the items safely in the cupboard beneath the sink, unbeknownst to your roomie. You return to your bed and pick up the bag before emtying your clothes in the dresser next to the restroom.
Before long, you and Kanaya are on your way to your first-day introduction to college.