I'll come out and say it: I'm not as big of a Twilight fan as I used to be. (Twihards gasp)
So, here it is: me making fun of it.
Reviews are encouraged, por favor. :)
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The Twilight Saga...Abridged
Part 1 - Twilight
Once upon a time, there was a girl named Bella Swan. She was trippy, and plain, and really really boring, but she seemed to be likable, anyway. Her mom had issues with commitment, so she divorced her dad and went off with a sports star (Don't they all?). Since Bella didn't really want to go live with her mom in Florida, where the sun would beat down and give her sunburn, she decided to go live with her dad in Forks, Washington, because at least there, she'd have an excuse to be pale.
She started her new school, and ALL the guys she met thought she was the hottest thing since Flaming Hot Cheetos. You know, it's not that odd that guys are drawn to trippy, plain really really boring types when there are nicer, prettier, friendly girls WHO HANG OUT WITH THEM ALL THE TIME. But, whatever! Bella is the most TOTALLY RELATABLE being on the face of the earth, because so many girls who read this can pretty much imagine themselves in Bella's place (cough cough).
So, Bella made all these new friends right away (because that happens when you're a new kid), but she didn't care about them. She wanted to meet the hot guy EVERYONE was talking about. His name was Edward Cullen, and he was a BABE. I mean, seriously! There's so much detail throughout all the books, I could do a character study on him!
Anyway, he and his really good-looking model friends - er, I mean SIBLINGS - caught Bella's attention. And instead of maybe, I don't know, paying attention to the people who obviously want to be your friend, she decided to stare at him like she was constipated.
But, what's this? He DIDN'T want to be around her? How could that be? Bella wasn't THAT trippy, plain, or really really boring! She wouldn't allow this to be! So she continued her stalking - wait, no...OBSERVING of Edward, blowing off her new "friends" in the process. But, being Bella Swan, they allowed her to ditch them and sulk about the emo-ish god that was Edward Cullen. She was the protagonist in the story; she ran this shit.
So, one day, Bella was listening to some emotastical music on her iPod, when God sent down an angel to knock some sense into her. The angel took the form of one of her male "friends", whose van was out of control and headed right toward her! Bella stood there like a complete moron, because that's what all heroines do, and awaited to be turned into a pancake.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, Edward appeared and STOPPED THE CAR FROM CRUSHING HER. She couldn't believe her luck! She didn't even have to try this time to get his attention!
So they started talking more, but Bella was getting the feeling that Edward wasn't...normal. You know, because the fact that he was really really sexy and had superhuman strength hadn't tipped her off or anything. But Edward didn't want to talk about that. In fact, he didn't want to talk to her AT ALL, which made her really really pissed.
So after saving her sorry ass AGAIN - this time for almost being raped by a bunch of drunks - Edward finally revealed to her what he was: A SPARKLY FAIRY PRINCESS!
Just kidding!...or am I?
He was a vampire - wimpy one, at that. His running wasn't all that fast, his strength wasn't all that manly, and his skin SPARKLED in the sunlight. FRIGGIN SPARKLED. Why the hell did it do that? Vampires burned up in the sun and could change into bats! They didn't sparkle like fairies! What the hell, Stephanie Meyer?
Anyway, Bella, being the genius that she is, decided that, even though Edward wanted to basically drink her blood, she couldn't stay away from him. So they started dating, because that's what any NORMAL person would do.
But, oh no! A meany tracker vampire wanted to eat her, too! Edward would not allow his new snack - I mean GIRLFRIEND - to be killed! So he and his family RISKED THEIR LIVES FOR SOME TRIPPY STUPID TEENAGER THEY HARDLY EVEN KNEW. Wouldn't you do the same?
Bella was bitten by the meany tracker vampire, but through the wimpiest fight scene ever, Edward's family ripped him up and burned the pieces. Then, in an anticlimax, Edward had to - gasp- MAKE A CHOICE! He could either suck out the venom from Bella, or let her change into a vampire. Well, apparently the OTHER SIX FAMILY MEMBERS WERE BUSY, because Edward was the one who saved Bella. Granted, he almost drained her life essence, but he didn't! And that's all tha counts!
And then Bella and Edward went to the prom together, neither of them suffering from PTSD or anything of the sort. And Bella now wanted to be a vampire, but Edward told her no; he liked her, no matter how bitchy she was.
THE END
Review? Prett please?