They said I would get better.
It takes time. You'll be back to normal before you know it. In a couple of months you won't even remember it. You will be fine.
You will be fine. Fine. Fine.
What is fine? It's been thirteen months and twelve days since I came back to the Victor's village, since I came back home. I am not fine. I have done everything in my power to be fine. I have done everything that was up to me. Wake up. Shower. Cook. Eat. Work. Paint. Shower. Cook. Eat. Sleep. Nightmare. Sleep. Nightmare. Wake up.
I am not fine. I barely speak to anyone since I came back. I don't speak with Haymitch; I don't even get to see Katniss. Katniss. She doesn't leave her house. She doesn't hunt. She doesn't wave. She doesn't smile. She doesn't let anyone in. The only way we know she is alive is because we can hear her at night, I can hear her at night.
She screams. Every night at around 1am, she screams. It goes on for hours, every single night. She cries out different names. Rue, Finnick, Prim. Those are the ones I can hear the most. Occasionally she calls out her mother; occasionally she calls out her father. No Gale, no me.
The last time I saw her was three weeks ago, I caught her looking out her living room window towards mine, her eyes empty. She looked skinnier, she looked unhealthy. But there is nothing I can do about that. Like I said, she won't leave her house. She doesn't let anyone it. Not even me.
Sometimes I feel like checking up on her, but the only thing I can bear to do is leave food in front of her door every morning before she gets up. I know she eats because when I come to pick it up every night after she goes to bed, the tray is empty. I wonder if that's all she eats. It probably is, she doesn't even hunt anymore. She's always inside that house.
Many have been the times I had walked up to her door with the courage to knock but soon failed, more have been the days I had made up conversations I would have with her if she would just speak to me. But she doesn't. She doesn't even answer her phone to her psychiatrist. He still calls me once a week to see if she has made any progress. I still give him nothing, I say I wish I could help, he says I can and I laugh, because I know the only person who is ever able to help Katniss Everdeen is Katniss Everdeen.
It's a cold winter night and the snow covers the ground. I can feel something is off tonight. There is no sound coming out of her room. No screaming, no crying, nothing. It is all silence. Something is not right.
I grab my jacket and make my way to her door, there are just a couple of steps between her house and mine but for some reason it seems like an eternity before I get there. Is she dead? Sick? Has she left? I hope none of my thoughts are right as I reach for her doorknob hesitating for a moment whether I should go in or not. I haven't been inside the house since after the first games, and even then I only came in once or twice. But I can't back down this time, she could be hurt. She could also be gone. And that would be even worse.
The first thing I notice when I come inside is the mess and the stench. It almost smells worse than Haymitch's. There are broken plates and cups all over the kitchen, some food rotting on the floor and when I try to get the lights on, I notice the light bulbs are broken too. What happened to you, Katniss?
I make my way upstairs slowly, taking in every detail of the house. A house that has the exact same structure inside out as my house and yet is so different, it is finally now that I notice I am actually not doing that bad. This house which has been built around the same time as mine yet looks so much older. I can see some photographs hanging on the wall next to the stairs, their frames and glass broken, some of them are on the floor, others are crooked, just one is left untouched, her sister's.
When I reach the second floor and still see no light coming from any of the rooms I take time to check each one slowly, without making a sound. I'm already at the second room when I finally hear a small whimper coming from the room next to the one I am in. I don't bother being silent any more, I run up to it only to find Katniss sitting in a corner with a huge blanket wrapped around her body quietly sobbing.
I stop midway and just stand there. I don't know if she realizes I am there. Her eyes are closed and her hands are against her ears, pressing down to them as if to shut all sounds out. I no longer know what to do. This is the closer I have been to her in over a year. I am not ready, I can't face her yet. Why did I even come here in the first place? I am a danger to her, I could kill her even though it is the last thing I want to do. I am no longer myself and I can't help but feel completely useless.
I have to do something, I have come so far. I can't just leave now that I am here. I take a few steps closer and stop when she lifts her head up and looks me straight in the eye. Run a part of me thinks, but I know that is no longer an option. She is not crying anymore, she is just sitting there, staring at me, none of us daring to say anything, daring to move.
I notice how surprisingly skinny she is. Her face is all bones and her lips have lost their color. Her eyes are hollow and her once glowing and strong hair seems brittle. This is no longer the girl on fire but the ashes remaining. I can't help but feel a bit good with my own recovery; besides the nightmares and occasional throwing up I am doing exquisitely good.
Suddenly she starts crying again, louder stronger this time. Not caring at all that I am there anymore, I am useless once again.
No. No no no no no. This is not happening again. I can't let her stay like this forever. This is killing her and it is killing me and it is enough. It is enough.
I can't go on doubting myself forever, with the way I am now I can't help her like I want to, but I can change into what I was. I can be her boy with the bread again. I can save her. I have to make Katniss come back.
So I continue walking up to her after what seems like an eternity. She covers her whole face and body with the blanket and pushes herself against the corner, trying to escape from me, but there is nowhere she can run to anymore, it has been enough. This may be selfish of me, but Katniss can't go on like this forever, she needs her life back.
I lean down in front of her and take her in my arms. She almost weights nothing. By now she is back to sobbing as loudly as she can but I am not letting her go, not this time, not anymore.
I put her on the bed as softly as I can and lie down next to her, my face facing her back and I hold her. I hold her until she stops screaming, until she stops crying, until she falls asleep, until I fall asleep.
This is my very first fan fiction, reviews are welcomed :) Inspiration: Waltz for Pony - Boy / July - Boy / Apartment - Young The Giant / Hiding my heart - Adele (it's a cover) / For Emma - Bon Iver
I write whenever I feel inspired which is mostly whenever I relate the lyrics of a song to where my story is going. I'm going to post these songs at the end of each chapter as I am doing on this one.
Thanks for reading!