"John Paul have you got a sec?"
"Sure Jac what is it?"
John Paul got to his feet and joined his eldest sister in the kitchen. Sometimes it had been overwhelming growing up in a house full of women and there had been times when he craved some male input, especially in his youth when he would feel trapped amidst them all. But the passage of time had given John Paul a new perspective and he had discovered that his sisters were far more than the annoying women he had once considered them to be.
Each one held their own beauty, inside and out, and John Paul would fight tooth and nail to protect them, just like he knew they would fight for each other, or for him.
Myra had long since instilled the importance of family in her children and they had grown up knowing that, no matter how often they might fall out and claim to hate each other, when the need arose the McQueen children would stand shoulder to shoulder against the world.
"What d'you want?" John Paul asked as he looked at Jacqui. Being the oldest of the children Jacqui had often sacrificed her own needs in favour of her younger siblings and John Paul knew he would never be able to repay that debt. Jacqui was a beautiful woman but it sometimes seemed to be something she tried to hide. Her gentle features were all too often buried behind excessive amounts of make up and a show of being hard faced and uncaring. John Paul had always been able to see past the mask that his sister wore and he had never been happier than when she found a good man in Tony, a man who could also see beyond her bravado to the frightened girl beneath.
"Happy birthday." Jacqui handed her brother an envelope, her bright eyes sparkling with some secret pleasure.
"You've already given me a present Jac… what's this?" John Paul turned the white envelope over in his hands with puzzled curiosity.
"This is off me and Tony… something that I think you… look we wont be offended if you don't use it… but I think you should… I think you need to…"
"What is it?"
Jacqui laughed. "The usual way to find out what's inside an envelope is to open it," she teased affectionately.
John Paul ripped open the envelope slowly, his heart racing as he saw the contents, he wasn't sure what he had expected to find inside but it wasn't this.
"Tickets to Dublin?" John Paul said with a gasp.
Jacqui smiled and slipped an arm around John Paul's shoulders, surprised to find that the young man was trembling.
Jacqui had never been a fan of Craig Dean. She had seen how that boy had messed her brother around and, quite frankly, she didn't think he was good enough for John Paul. But she had also seen how the young man that she had watched grow from a boy had blossomed in the year he had known Craig, and she had seen the loss and pain in his soft blue eyes ever since Craig had been gone.
"I don't understand," John Paul said quietly.
"Go and see him John Paul," Jacqui replied with a strong squeeze of her brother's shoulders, "I know you've been missing him…"
"What if I'm too late… what if he doesn't want to know any more?"
"Then at least you'll know… isn't that better than always wondering… look it's an open ticket… you can come back in a day… a week… never…"
"Never? I thought you didn't like Craig…"
"But it's not how I feel about him that counts is it?"
---
John Paul sat on his bed, plane tickets to Dublin laid out before him, offering him pleasure or pain, and if he didn't take up their offer he would never know which.
Picking up his phone John Paul flicked through his text messages for the one he had received on Christmas day.
"Merry Xmas. miss you. luv 2 cu in Dublin. X."
It was a message John Paul hadn't been able to reply to any more than he had been able to delete it.
But that was months ago. Was Craig still missing him now or had his silence given the dark haired man the push to move on and leave the memories of what they once shared behind.
John Paul had been so certain he was doing the right thing that day in September when he walked away. He had known in his heart that Craig wasn't ready to be open and comfortable in the world. John Paul had been positive he made the right decision. His feet hadn't faltered as he left the airport and walked briskly to the taxi rank. At which point he had spun around on his heels, pushing back through the crowds of people in an attempt to get back to Craig. But when he got there Craig had gone. Why hadn't Craig known he would come back for him? Why had Craig been so willing to let him go without a fight? But the biggest why of all had to be, why did John Paul walk away from the only love he had ever known?
Running his thumb over his phone's screen John Paul looked at the plane tickets again. He hadn't taken the chance once and he regretted it every day since. This time he wasn't going to make that mistake, however it might turn out.
---
John Paul lifted his hand to knock and then hesitated. It had all seemed so simple, such a good idea, but now, faced with nothing but a single door separating him from Craig Dean he wasn't so sure.
Standing at the airport with his ticket for Dublin clutched tightly in his hand had been an unsettling experience. John Paul could almost see the ghost of two teenage boys, on the verge of starting out on a new life together, filled with hopes and dreams and a promise of the future.
John Paul wanted to grab them and tell them not to throw it away. To hold tight onto the love they had fought so hard to win, that what they shared was worth any sacrifice they had to make. But John Paul couldn't tell them those things because, like all ghosts, they faded away under the stark light of reality. Those teenage boys had made their choice and John Paul knew that at least one of them had lived to regret it.
John Paul turned from the door to look back along the corridor that led to the outside world. It felt dark and soulless. Several identical doorways positioned at random intervals, pathways into other peoples lives distinct only by the small silver number fixed at the top of each door. The floor was covered in what was probably once a brightly coloured carpet, but the years of wear had dulled it as the many residents of the building had passed over its surface on the way to their homes, some only temporary and some more long term.
The door at the end of the corridor was a darkly painted wooden frame with a glass window at its centre whose sparkle had long since been lost under years of grime.
John Paul suddenly felt very claustrophobic. There were too many variables, to many what ifs and he was no longer sure he could do something as simple as knock on the door. What if Craig didn't want to know any more? It had been months since his text at Christmas, what if Craig had taken John Paul's lack of response as a rejection and moved on? What if Craig didn't even live there now? This was the flat that they had planned to move to together but there was no guarantee that Craig hadn't moved again since then, he could have moved into student accommodation, found a new flat with new friends… found a new flat with a new lover…
Closing his eyes John Paul took a deep steadying breath and the image of Jacqui suddenly filled his mind. She was smiling as he placed his overnight bag on the back seat of the taxi.
"Am I doing the right thing Jac?" John Paul had asked nervously.
"D'you still love him?" It was a simple question, with an equally simple answer.
"Yeah… as much as I ever did… but it wasn't enough then… what if it still isn't."
"Tell me one thing John Paul," Jacqui's tone had been calm but the force of her gaze held John Paul pinned to the spot. "If you could go back and change things… would you have gone to Dublin with him?"
John Paul's hands were trembling as he looked back at the door to the flat that should have been his home. Craig could be in there at that very moment and if he didn't have the courage to knock and find out then maybe he didn't deserve Craig anyway.
Raising his hand John Paul let his knuckles connect firmly with the wood, listening to the solid echo of his knock and holding his breath as, after a few moments, the sound of a lock being unfastened could be heard.
The door seemed to open at an indeterminately slow pace. A beam of light illuminated at its edge as the gap between the door and its housing gradually increased until it was wide enough for the occupant of the flat to clearly observe his visitor.
"John Paul?" Craig gasped the word, shaking his head as if he might be dreaming; a dream that Craig had had many times before, dreaming of the moment when John Paul would appear at his door. "What… how…?"
Craig's hand fell from the edge of the door as he almost staggered backwards.
John Paul decided to take this as an invitation to enter and he gingerly stepped over the threshold, closing the door behind him.
"You did say you'd love to see me in Dublin?" John Paul said with a half smile as he tried to gauge Craig's reaction to his sudden presence.
"What?" Craig's brain struggled to process the information that was bombarding it but only one fact seemed to want to get through. John Paul was in Dublin. John Paul had come to Dublin. John Paul was here. John Paul…
Craig looked at the two bright blue eyes that were observing him. Eyes that had haunted his dreams and followed him in his waking hours. The memory of their beauty, of how they looked at him with such love had been both a comfort and a torment to him and now, seeing them again, Craig wasn't sure what he was supposed to do or how he was supposed to feel.
"In your text…" John Paul said with a small step forward. "You said you'd love to see me in Dublin." Craig looked as gorgeous as he remembered. The man's dark eyes were just as deep and his soft pink lips just as full. It was taking all of John Paul's restraint not to grab the man there and then, but there was a wariness in Craig's eyes that gave John Paul pause.
"In my text?" Craig repeated. "In my text that I sent at Christmas?" Craig voice rose slightly. "A text that you couldn't even be bothered replying to?"
John Paul could hear the growing anger in Craig's voice and he knew he deserved it, just like Craig deserved an explanation; unfortunately John Paul wasn't sure he had one.
"It… it wasn't that simple… I didn't know what to say." John Paul stammered.
"How about Happy Christmas… or I miss you… or anything… anything would have done John Paul… didn't I at least deserve some kind of recognition?" Craig's mood had changed from stunned silence to outright anger in the space of a few minutes and, as much as he wanted to grab hold of John Paul and kiss him deeply, he also wanted to punch him, over and over, until his blood obscured that beautiful face.
"I'm sorry," John Paul replied quietly. "I didn't… I couldn't… I was scared Craig… I was scared of what getting in touch with you would mean… I didn't know if I could handle it."
"And you think it was easy for me? Sending that text after months of silence? You think I didn't wonder if I was doing the right thing? But at least I made the effort… at least I cared enough to give a fuck!"
"I did care," John Paul insisted and, taking the few steps that separated him from Craig, he gently rested his hand on the man's shoulder. "I DO care… why else d'you think I'm here?"
Craig relished the warmth of John Paul's touch for a second, the old familiar feelings raging through his chest. Love, hurt, desperation, anger, betrayal, need, desire, so many emotions were awoken by one touch that Craig had to shrug the hand off and turn away in a vain hope that they would stop. After months Craig had finally taught himself how to lock away all of those feeling and he had managed to move on as if they never existed. He couldn't let John Paul bring them all back now. It was too hard. It always cost too much.
"I don't know why you're here," Craig said, "And it doesn't matter… I can't go there again… I can't do it John Paul… it's too hard… we tried and we failed and you walked away." Turning back to face the man he didn't want to love Craig took a deep breath. "You should have stayed away… there's nothing for you in Dublin… not anymore."
"You don't mean that…" John Paul's voice broke and his soft blue eyes filled with tears. "Please Craig… I love you… I never stopped loving you."
"But it wasn't enough remember?" Craig's hands balled to fists at his side to stop himself from reaching up to brush away John Paul's tears. "You deserved more… so go and find it… cause it isn't here… please John Paul just go."
John Paul stood unblinking as each of Craig's words smashed into his chest. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. Craig's eyes had gone so cold and John Paul felt a wave of guilt as he realised he was responsible for stealing the warmth from them.
"Get out!" Craig shouted, wrenching the door open and pushing John Paul through.
The door slammed closed behind him and John Paul was left alone and breathless in the dark dingy corridor, uncertain of where he was supposed to go or what he was supposed to do. Leaning against one of the grimy walls John Paul closed his eyes and wept.
Resting his head against the cool wood of the door Craig tried to steady his breathing. How had that just happened? What gave John Paul the right to turn up like that after so long? To show up at Craig's door and make Craig feel everything that he'd tried so hard to forget. Craig was doing fine without John Paul in his life. He didn't need him anymore. He didn't want him. He couldn't let him leave.
John Paul's head snapped up as he heard the door of Craig's flat being flung open and the dark haired man charged towards him like a wild animal.
For a second John Paul felt afraid, as if he was about to become the victim of a vicious attack. But as Craig came to a standstill before him John Paul saw that it wasn't anger or violence that shone in Craig's eyes, it was something much deeper and far more powerful. Love.
"Don't go," Craig said quietly and with a hint of uncertainty. "Not this time."
"I'll stay," John Paul replied, "If that's what you want."
Craig's mouth pressed hard against the delicious sweetness of John Paul's lips as he pushed the man against the wall with the weight of his body. John Paul's arms wrapped tightly around Craig's waist as the kiss he hadn't dared hope for intensified second upon second until their desperate moans mingled inside the heat of their mouths.
"I want you," Craig gasped breathlessly, "I always want you."
Craig's kisses became frantic and hungry. He had been denied the taste and the feel of John Paul for so long that his senses reeled as his tongue plunged the depths of the younger man's mouth awaking every ounce of emotion that he had tried to suppress.
Pulling at John Paul's belt Craig fought for access, moaning with frustration as warm soft hands restrained him.
"Craig… Craig wait…" John Paul gasped breathlessly as Craig seemed to fight against him, desperate to claim possession of his body.
"No John Paul you want this," Craig insisted, until a creeping doubt assaulted his mind and he turned his eyes to John Paul's needing to see the look of desire that used to be there. "You do want this don't you?"
"Of course I do," John Paul replied with a warm laugh. "I want YOU Craig… I love you… but possibly not in the corridor!"
The reality of their location came back to Craig with a jolt as he looked around him. As intense as his desire for John Paul was Craig had to concede that it was probably a reunion that his neighbours didn't need to be a party to.
Grabbing John Paul's hand Craig almost dragged him back into the flat, barely pausing long enough to close the door before pulling him into the bedroom. With a forceful shove John Paul was toppled onto the bed, the weight of Craig pressing down on top of him before he even caught his breath.
Craig seemed to be trying to devour John Paul as he kissed the man with desperation, his urgent moans vibrating through John Paul's mouth as hands valiantly sought out bare flesh.
In a tumble of bodies and entangled limbs clothing was somehow pulled over heads and pushed down over ankles with grunts of frustration should any items stubbornly refuse to move fast enough. Finally, thankfully, clothing was eventually relegated to the floor and the two men revelled in the heat of each other's naked bodies as they pressed together tightly, their matching arousals pushing together causing moans to echo around the small room.
Craig's mouth began a ravenous journey over John Paul's flesh, consuming its exotic flavour as his tongue trailed hotly downwards. His desire for John Paul was far greater than he could ever remember it being before. He didn't know if it was because they had been apart for so long, or because John Paul had come for him, chosen to come back for him, or maybe it was simply because he had been trying to hide his need for the beautiful man for so long that having him in his arms again was too much to contain, but whatever the reason the furious nature of Craig's worship of John Paul's body made the blonde man shake with uncontrollable lust.
Craig let his teeth nip at John Paul's firm nipples, enjoying the whimper of pleasured pain as he bit into the flesh, sucking it into his mouth.
John Paul's fingers curled into Craig's hair, clawing at the man's scalp as his mouth moved lower, making John Paul groan in anticipation as the warmth of Craig's mouth covered his belly before stopping at the head of his fully engorged cock.
"Oh god Craig…" John Paul's voice shook as Craig let the heat of his breath caress John Paul's erection. Raising his eyes Craig smiled as he saw the look of total abandon on his lovers face. He knew with that one look that John Paul was his completely, just like he knew that he had never wanted anyone as much as he wanted that man.
John Paul cried out, gripping Craig's head tighter and pulling at his hair as the man's mouth devoured his cock in one swift motion.
Craig's need was too strong, too desperate, he couldn't wait another second to feel the fullness of John Paul's thick cock pushing to the back of his throat, to taste the drops of precum that cried from its tip and to hear the moans of pleasure that growled deeply from John Paul's chest.
Sucking deeply Craig swirled his tongue around the hard cock in his mouth, teasing it and tempting it until John Paul's whole body shuddered with unbridled passion. The feel of John Paul in his mouth, the taste of him, the scent of him and the sound of him was something Craig had tried so hard to forget and tried so often to recreate. But the reality of John Paul was so much more than the memories had been, so much greater than any substitutes and Craig wanted to drink in every last drop of the man's essence, to give him the pleasure that was always so much sweeter when it was between the two of them.
Slipping his fingers into the corner of his mouth Craig coated them with saliva before pushing them gently between John Paul's buttocks. John Paul raised his hips slightly to allow Craig easier access to his most intimate opening, moaning loudly as his tight ring of muscle was firmly breached, Craig's fingers pushing firmly, urgently inside him.
All sense of reason or conscious thought had long since deserted John Paul and his entire being seemed consumed by the pleasures that Craig bestowed upon his body. The hot mouth and tempting tongue stimulating his throbbing cock perfectly and the deep penetration of one, two and then three fingers made his body ache for more causing him to push back against Craig's hand in an attempt to force the man deeper.
The feel of John Paul's tight body hotly gripping his fingers and his firm cock thrusting deeply into his mouth left Craig's own cock in urgent need of attention but he ignored his own need for satisfaction as he felt John Paul being pushed closer and closer to release.
"Oh fuck… Christ Craig… I… oh god…" Exclamations of desire tumbled from John Paul's mouth as he arched his back, pushing his cock deeper into Craig's throat as the man's fingers plundered his body with expertise, stroking against the one perfect spot that he had no resistance against.
With loud cries John Paul's whole body shook violently as his cock pulsed wave after wave of hot satisfaction down Craig's throat. Craig sucked against the throbbing member in his mouth, pulling every last drop of the man's climax into him until John Paul's body fell limply back against the bed.
Placing a hand either side of John Paul's hips Craig slowly climbed his way back to the man's face. His mouth was hot as it pressed against John Paul's lips and John Paul kissed him with hunger, sucking the taste of himself from his lovers tongue.
Lifting himself up on his hands Craig looked down on the gentle feature of the man below him. He had never seen anything so breathtakingly beautiful before in his life and he felt transfixed by the passionate loving gaze from John Paul's stunning sapphire eyes.
It wasn't until John Paul reached down to stroke Craig's still hard and throbbing erection that Craig was able to tear himself away from the mesmerising look, moaning softly as John Paul's hand ran the length of his cock.
"John Paul…"
"I want you…"
"God I…"
Craig ability to speak was stolen from him as John Paul's fingers brushed over the head of his cock, smearing the precum in slowly enticing circles as Craig fell back to his knees, positioned between John Paul's firm thighs.
Pushing John Paul's legs back Craig moaned as his cock was guided towards that tight entrance that he longed to possess. With a gentle but forceful push John Paul's flesh was once again breeched, both men crying out as Craig's cock sank deeply into the heat of John Paul's body.
Craig's mouth sought out John Paul's as he began to rock into the man's flesh. John Paul's body gripped him so tightly and his arousal was so intense that Craig knew he wouldn't last long. John Paul's legs wrapped around Craig's back as he raised his hips, pushing himself up to meet each of Craig's thrusts, urging the man on harder and faster, his fingers clawing at Craig's back as their tongues battled for supremacy inside the furnace of their kiss.
Breaking from the kiss Craig buried his face into John Paul's neck as his body moved faster and faster, his pants and moans mingling together as his cock demanded release.
John Paul pulled Craig closed to him as he felt the man begin to shudder, his moans muffled against John Paul's skin as he came. The heat of his climax pulsing deeply into John Paul's body until his worship of that beautiful flesh was complete.
Craig fell to John Paul's side with satisfied exhaustion, turning his face to one side he saw the brightness of the love shining from John Paul's eyes and for the first time in so many months Craig felt truly alive.
"I've missed you so much," John Paul said as he opened his arms to Craig.
"I've missed you too," Craig replied, snuggling into John Paul's warm embrace and resting his head against the man's chest.
For some time the two men lay in silent contentment, the need for talking would come but for now all they needed was to hold each other and remember what it was that they had almost lost.