Fanfiction Rap: Basil Fawlty VS Mr. Krabs
Basil Fawlty falls asleep, ear plugs in his ears to drown out the sound of his wife Sybil's laughs as she chats with Audrey
on the telephone. The sound of a seal being machine gunned slowly starts to fade as Fawlty enters a deeper sleep and
begins to dream. He dreams he is in an underwater restaurant, being served by a sponge. Suddenly, a crab gives Mr. Fawlty
an angry look and approaches him with a mic.
"You, I know who you are, you're Basil Fawlty" said Mr. Krabs.
"Who were you expecting, anyone in particular, Henry Kissinger perhaps?" said Basil, reading the paper about strikes
against the Krusty Krab management.
"I challenge you to a showdown," said the crab.
"A show-a show-a showdown?" asked Basil, looking up at the crab, very confused.
"Yes, a showdown" said Krabs.
"This is a hotel, not a borstal" replied Fawlty.
"You're not in your hotel anymore, lad. I own this joint" said Krabs.
"Yes, Major, well, get some rest will you" said Basil.
"Excuse me? Arg, tell old Captain Krabs to get some rest do ye?" said Krabs.
"Yes, that's right, get some rest, plenty of rooms for you here at Fawlty Towers" replied Basil.
"No, I'm tellin' ye lad, I want me showdown" said Krabs.
"Well I didn't bring my revolver," replied Basil. "And this isn't much of a suitable enviornment if you ask me"
"No, no no, get a microphone they're on sale over there" said Krabs, pointing to a booth where a salty sardine
was selling microphones that were way overpriced. Basil just grabbed one. The sponge went to get some sunglasses for
Fawlty and put them over his eyes. A squirrel seated at a table nearbye could be seen giggling at the sight of Basil in
sunglasses, winking at the sponge, giving him a thumbs-up. However, Basil remained firm in his conviction that he would bring this whole place down, yo. But Mr. Krabs had
tricks up his own sleeve, and he began rapping. He figured Basil probably did not even know what rapping was, but
began anyway.
"Arr, arr, it's Mr. Hotel Guy, here's a soder drink, a patty, a sponge and a fry!" said Krabs,
as he began throwing things towards Fawlty, Fawlty nimbly evading.
"I don't care what my customers think, do, or say, all that matters to me is that they PAY. But don't get me wrong,
my golden heart will never falter, heck I'll even give ye a free glass of water. Your fawlty cast has got a heck of a lot to fear, if this wasn't a dream, you couldn't breathe here.
I'll mess up yer hotel worse than anyone did,
yes even more messed up than that Barcelona kid.
You have a non-existent shrapnel wound in your leg, an excuse for everything, as you wine and beg!
I'll have you know I was once in the Navy, no one's ever gotten me on a plate next to gravy.
Stop stealin' food from your guests, stop making lame excuses for vermin
and pests, and lay that wandering old sow to rest!" rapped Krabs. To the shock of Krabs, Basil flipped his hat sideways
and began rapping, after executing a spin move.
"Well, hello there, tis I Basil Fawlty, I'll pickle this prawn and serve him up salty.
I was in business first, you cheap-ish imitation crab, this place is three words in total: dull, dismal, drab.
I'm a debonair gentleman, by god it's bloody true! (Fawlty raises his fist) I've never lost my cool and I'm not about to!
This place is for bottom feeders, disgusting and crass, the sheer opposite of refined upper class!" rapped Fawlty.
Krabs's eyestalks began blinking rapidly and he stood for a few seconds, then picked up the mic to retort Fawlty.
"Excuse me buddy, I'm not here for a room, I'm sure they're booked with degenerates, prepare for doom!
You say I'm the opposite of upper class? I'm the richest crab in the sea, I won't give YOU a pass.
My raps couldn't get more red, steamed, and naughty, your raps are just like your name and hotel, FAWLTY!
I have to admit, you're making me mad, this red wine's gonna react with the cork and go BAD!
We have one thing in common, we're both crabby and cheap, but I'd rather rap with a sardine who only said 'Meep'.
Yer after me formula, that has to be it, tell me, is that why you truly just can't quit?
Face it Fawlty, you won't win, you shall fall, and Mrs. Puff doesn't see how you could manage it at all" said Krabs.
"No, not just that, I'm here to sue you, for showing your filthy fat butt on Hulu! You won't be getting a double for
you and your 'daughter' and I'm dishing out seafood, lyrical slaughter. I won't be meek, I won't turn the other cheek, I'll be honest, I suspect your frycook might be Greek. You run a business with a kitchen utensil broughtto life, I run a business with my dear pirahna fish wife, you've heard nothing yet if you can't take this verbal strife"
said Basil.
Then suddenly, a beam of light could be seen, and Manuel, Polly, and the Major showed up to lay the dirt on Krabs.
"Who are you, you great big half wit? I know nothing of this red horse, nor his name...Nit-wit?
You rap no good, you is not good man. You no pay employees, you not nice man, you bad.
What is this? You have pinchers...like a CRAB?" said Manuel, running for his life. Polly laughed, then struck Manuel with
her arm, pushing him away. She began rapping.
"He is a crab, Manuel, you loveable derelict dodo, I'll handle this with fetching sketchings, and feminine mojo!
Yes, I'll tear this old sea dog completely apart, I certainly don't play by the rules of art. (She holds up a strange and questionable sketch, while glaring sharply and deeply)
You'll be pickled...like shrimps, soused...like herrings, and laid to rest...under the taaaaa-ble!" rapped Polly,
going crosseyed. The Major stepped in, after having a very in-depth conversation with Mermaid Man.
"Ah, hello there, just was reading the paper. Strikes, strikes, strikes, my what's that vapor?
Ah, what is it? Sybil's perfume?" asked the Major.
"There no perfume! Perfume not here," yelled Manuel, who was becoming good friends with Patrick the Starfish.
"Well, the service here certainly isn't poor. I can forgive these Germans, I won't mention the war" replied the Major.
"What?" asked Polly.
"Ah, well, I think I'll get a sandwich and get going, actually I would do that, but I've got a rat to take
care of!" said the Major, chasing Krabs with a rifle. Polly grabbed the rifle away from the Major as Krabs ran
to the back of the Krusty Krab, all the way towards the freezer-door. Fawlty went to get some ice.
"Excuse me, this was a fun little excursion and all, but do you have ice?" asked Fawlty.
"Ice? Is that what you want, you want ice? There's never been any ice, ice is just a myth!" said Krabs. Just then a beam of light was seen, and Sybil entered the dream-scene.
"Oh dear, such a shame. Looks like I'm late to the party. So, you're from underwater? I just love the ocean. Shame not everyone gets to live in it.
Do you have any plans for this evening? AhahahahaUUUGH" laughed Sybil. Basil could then be seen attempting to mimic a crab.
"Basil!" yelled Sybil. Just then Patrick Star and Maneul walked in.
"Uhhh...Mr. Krabs? Don't Basils live in cupboards? Mr Krabs, the Basils came out of the spice cupboards, one of them came to life, it's tall and big and horrible!" said Patrick.
"Yes, the starfish, he tell me Basil come to life, that Basil live in cupboard but now he come to life" said Manuel. Mr. Krabs ordered Patrick and Manuel out of the room,
but then saw tables filled with money, and delighted/confused customers.
"What is the meaning of putting all me money on the tables?" asked Mr. Krabs
"Uhh...we were table tipping" replied Patrick.
"Yes, table tipping," said Manuel.
Who won? Who's next? Epic Fanfiction Rap!