To be taken very seriously with a full glass of water.
Alcohol is partially recommended, but only if you're under 21.
Disclaimer: I own your soul. That's about it.
Because I Can. It's a Fanfic Life.
"Yawn. What am I doing here?" Harry wondered out loud. "Oh that's right, going to potions." It was true, he was going to Potions. And that he did. He walked down to the dungeons, went in the door, and sat down next to his best friends, Ron and Hermione.
"Mr. Potter, care to explain what you're doing?" growled Severus Snape, Potions Master, former Death Eater. Harry blinked.
"Breathing, sir. Sitting, sir. Trying to learn, just like everyone else in this classroom. If you cut me, do I not bleed? If you-"
"Five-trillion-billion points from Gryffindor," Snape said with a sneer. The Gryffindors moaned and glared at Harry.
"Why?" He cried indignantly.
"For... using.... looking... uh.... Because I said so!" Harry sighed. "Now take out your books and make an extremly advanced level difficult potion!" With collective groans everyone unpacked their cauldrons and such.
"This is awful!" Ron said. "Hermione, do you understand this?"
"SHUT THE EFF UP RON, I HATE YOU AND YOU HAVE RED HAIR!" Hermine burst out.
"What?"
"Ahem. I mean, according to my intellectual calculation we must stir one teaspoon of extracellular unicornia tresses with 18 micro miligrams of newt ligaments."
"Oh, I gotcha."
Neville was busy concentrating on his potion, making sure he measured everything exactly right and added all the right ingredients. So far, his potion was exactly the crimson color it was supposed to be. Snape came strutting over and hovered over his shoulder.
"Explode.... explode.... explode..." He muttered uner his breath.
"Er, Professor?"
"What is it you impudent little boy?"
"Are you muttering 'explode' to my cauldron?"
"No!"
"Oh...." Neville turned around to check something in his book and Snape threw something in his cauldron. It turned a horrible shade of puke green. "You threw something in my cauldron!"
"I did not!"
"I saw you!" Then, the liquidy green substance exploded all over Neville. Big red boils sprung all over his face.
"Insufferable little brat! Can't you do anything right? You deserve to be crucio'ed into madness just like your parents!" Neville ran from the room, crying. Snape smirked. The Slytherins started to slow clap.
"Encore!" Shouted Draco Malfoy. "Encore!"
"That's what your mother said last night!" shouted Ron. The noise died down.
"What did you say, Weasley?"
"You heard me! There's more where that came from!"
"That's what your sister said!" The crowd "OOOOOOH!"ed. Snape awarded ten points to Slytherin.
"WHAT? YOU AND GINNY? BUT GINNY IS MINE!" Harry exploded.
"Ew, isn't that like rape?" muttered Pavarti to Lavender.
"No, it's okay for guys to go out with younger girls, just not girls to go out with younger guys."
"That is SO sexist!"
"I know, right!"
"OKAY! TWENTY-MILLION-BILLION-QUADRUPLE-JILLION POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR! NOW SHUT THE EFF UP!" Snape roared, "AND GET OUT!"
The Golden Trio headed to the Gryffindor common room, you know, to possibly get some homework done or something productive. And then it happened....
"OW!"
"What is it, Harry?" Ron asked. The boy crumpled to the floor, clutching his head.
"My scar," he panted.
"Yeah, mine hurts, too," Ron said, rubbing his elbow. "Ever since I hit it off the table it's been killing me."
"Oh, did you try an anti-pain potion?" Hermione asked. "It usually helps."
"Voldemort....NO!" Harry cried, sobbing into his hands.
"OH-MY-GOODNESS!" Hermione cried out. "HARRY? HARRY! HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO TELL YOU, STOP SAYING HIS NAME!"
"Sirius...." Harry sobbed harder.
"Yes, I'm serious," Hermione said sternly. "I'm so sick of you acting up. Come on, Ron. It's obvious he wants attention right now, so let's go. Harry when you're done you can come join us." They left Harry writhing on the floor.
When the pain had subsided, Harry just wanted to be alone. He ran to the abandoned girl's bathroom. When he went in, he heard moaning.
"Moaning Myrtle?" he asked. "Are you okay?" The moaning became louder and more frequent. It was coming from the bathroom stall. Cautiously he went to it and pushed it open. "MYRTLE? SIR NICOLAS? GROSS!" He ran out of the bathroom, looking for Ron and Hermione. They were found in the library.
"Guys! Guys!" He said, sprinting up to them where Ron was reading a Captain Underpants comic and Hermione was reading the encyclopedia.
"If it's about Voldemort, Ginny, or Quidditch I don't care," said Hermione, not even looking up from her book.
"You just said "Voldemort!"
"Yes, well Voldemort's the name of a fictional character in a novel for teens and children, Harry, fear of the name only increases fear itself."
"That's a misquote," muttered Ron.
"I SAID SHUT THE HELL UP YOU IGNORANT, UNWANTED, ADOPTED MONKEY-LOOKING LOSER!"
"What?"
"I mean, my apologies, my dearest amiable aquiaintance."
"Oh, alright."
"Anyway," said Harry. "Guess what I saw! Moaning Myrtle and Sir Nicolas-"
"Anyway I've been doing some research and guess what I found on our problem," continued Hermione, flipping open the thick encyclopedia and pointing at a picture.
"What problem?" asked Ron nonchalantly. Hermione let out a frustrated sigh.
"Come on, get with it Ron. THE problem."
"What the hell, Hermione," Harry cut in, suddenly agitatated. "There is no problem! You always create the problems! Maybe if you weren't so damn NOSY we wouldn't get into problems! I have to go now, or I'm going to be late for Hagrid's sodomy class." He began to march away.
"Wait!" said Ron. "I'm coming with you!"
They finally reached Hagrid's hut and knocked on the door. The huge man answered and looked at the children curiously.
"There's no class today, guys," Hagrid said. "Been cancelled." Harry frowned.
"Oh, so can we come in?" he asked, pushing past Hagrid.
"NO!" roared the giant, and the two boys stopped.
"Why?" asked Ron.
"You lot keep gettin' me inter loads o' trouble! Yer know how susicious it looks when two lil' boys keep comin' to my house after dark?"
"No," said Harry innocently.
"Go back home," Hagrid said shortly and shut the door.
"Aw, I really wanted to pet Hagrid's dragon," Harry muttered and he and Ron went back to the dormitory for a good night's sleep.
The next day, there was a Quidditch match. Harry marched to the breakfast hall and joined his friends, who already started eating.
"Good luck at Quidditch today," said Hermione.
"Thanks," said Harry brightly, garbbing a plate full of sausages.
"Oh, not you. I was talking to Ron. He's the one that's going to need it," she said.
"What is that supposed to mean?!" demanded Ron from the other side of the table.
"Just that you'll need it. God Ron, we all know your a bloody awful keeper, just give up on life. Harry doesn't need a shadow copying his every move." Ron glared, and slammed his fork on the table.
"It's not my fault! Harry has a Firebolt, and all my family can afford is a dinky little broom we found under Fred's bed, and bewitched it to fly!"
"RON!" scolded Hermione. "Do NOT talk about Harry in that tone! You know Harry loves his broom."
"You whore," Ron spat. Lavender brown was passing by and he grabbed her arm, jumped up, and hooked his arm around her waist. "Come on baby, let's go."
"Money first," the girl said. Ron handed her a few bills.
"Is this going to last me through the day?" The girl looked the money and sighed.
"I guess. I feel like I'm getting cheaper and cheaper everyday."
"You are a minor character whose only purpose is to fuel me and Ron's relationship," Hermione pointed out. Laverder shrugged and strut away with her temporary boy-toy.
"Harsh," commented Harry, and continued to eat his toast. Nearby, Luna Lovegood had her nose buried in the latest issure of The Quibbler. Hermione rolled her eyes.
"That's rubbish," she said, and snatched the Quibbler from Luna's hands. "Snumple Horned Breaded Snorkkacks? The ministry corrupt? Pluto not a planet? For God's sake who writes this unrealistic stuff!" Luna grabbed back her paper with a frown.
"It's Skrumpled-horned double snack-racks! Get it right, bitch," she hissed. Hermione turned up her nose.
"I'd rather read about things that make sense, like the gringotts gremlins and the wizarding world, thank you very much."
Unfortunatlely, to be continued...
Not the stuff I usually write, but I felt like it.