❯ Karkat: Make a mistake
You are five solar sweeps old when it happens.
Sollux has sent you a new virus to practice with. You're pretty sure it doesn't even do anything and he just gave it to you to shut you up, but you're determined to make it work anyway. You'd really like to show him up and make him acknowledge your capabilities as a programmer. And viruses are your specialty.
❯ Karkat: Execute virus
At first you think nothing's happened and are ready to go back to fiddling with the code for another few hours.
Then your screen goes black and letters from an alphabet you don't recognize begin running across it.
❯ Karkat: See this shit through
The strange text goes on for long enough that you're about ready to give your husktop up for gone (again) before it stops.
When it does your husktop returns to pretty much normal (so you didn't destroy any of your property this time, that has to count as a success) except for an open Trollian chat window from a trolltag you don't recognize.
❯ Karkat: See who's trolling you
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [GT]
TT: What the hell did you do.
CG: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?
TT: I could ask you the same question.
TT: But right now I'm more interested in finding out precisely what you just did.
CG: I JUST FINISHED CODING AND EXECUTING A GENIUS PIECE OF PROGRAMMING.
CG: THE DETAILS OF WHICH I AM SURE YOU ARE NOT CAPABLE OF UNDERSTANDING.
TT: Jesus Christ.
TT: You don't have any idea what just happened do you?
CG: OF COURSE I DO.
CG: EXACTLY WHAT I INTENDED TO HAPPEN IS WHAT JUST HAPPENED.
TT: So you intended to totally fuck up my AI is what you're telling me.
Okay, so you definitely hadn't known that your virus was going to mess with some guy's programming. On the other hand, causing destruction to people who are not you (for once) is literally the sole application of a virus. So you can potentially claim this as a success and tell this guy that this had been the purpose of your virus all along, but you will also feel like a total asshole for it because you have the shittiest conscience of any troll in the history of ever.
Honestly, you don't think you were ever entirely sure what you would do if something you programmed actually worked. In the privacy of your own head you can admit that this has never really come up before.
❯ Karkat: Notice that the other guy is still typing
TT: Yeah, okay, that could potentially be plausible.
TT: And if you actually managed to pull that off then it would be pretty impressive.
TT: Except I'm looking through the code right now and this is straight up the clumsiest shit I've ever seen.
TT: You might have hit a home run, but it doesn't count if the game was table tennis.
TT: I'll have this all cleaned up in an hour anyway.
CG: FUCK YOU.
CG: MAYBE YOU COULD RECOGNIZE THE GENIUS OF MY CODE IF YOU WEREN'T SUCH AN IDIOT.
CG: BUT SINCE YOU ARE AN IDIOT I SUPPOSE IT IS ONLY UNDERSTANDABLE THAT YOU WOULD PROJECT YOUR OWN IDIOCY ONTO OTHERS.
CG: IN ORDER TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL LESS LIKE AN IDIOT BECAUSE THERE IS NO ONE WHO IS MORE OF ONE THAN YOU ARE.
CG: YOU ARE IN FACT THE KING OF IDIOTS.
CG: I FORGOT TO BOW BUT I DOUBT YOU NOTICED ON ACCOUNT OF YOUR OWN STUPIDITY.
TT: Dude, shut up and show me whatever it is you were trying to code.
CG: WHAT.
TT: Show me whatever you were trying to code and I'll take a look and see if I can explain what you did wrong.
TT: This type of shit is more my friend's forte than mine, but I have just finished coding the most complex artificial intelligence the world has ever seen.
TT: He is basically an actual person.
TT: Or will be once I fix what you messed up.
TT: I'm pretty sure I can handle it.
CG: YOU ARE QUITE POSSIBLY THE ONLY PERSON ON THIS PLANET WHO IS MORE OF A CONCEITED, OBNOXIOUS ASSHOLE THAN PAST ME WAS.
TT: Yeah, okay.
TT: Do you want me to teach you how to code or not?
twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [GT]
TA: KK are you there?
TA: you diidnt blow up your hu2ktop agaiin diid you?
TA: ii only a2k becau2e ii havent heard from you 2iince ii 2ent you that viiru2.
TA: u2ually ii cant get you two 2hut up.
Huh, that's strange.
When did you stop talking to Sollux every day?
It takes you an embarrassingly long time to clue into the fact that Dirk Strider might not be a troll, unusual name or not. You're kind of surprised by how easily he admits it when you ask.
TT: Nope.
CG: SO WHAT THEN.
CG: ARE YOU FROM ONE OF THE COLONIES?
TT: Something like that.
TT: I'm what they call "human".
Honestly, for a little bit I thought you might have been from my time period. No one from as far in our planet's past as Jake and Jane are should have the knowledge of troll culture that you have and UU never mentioned you. I didn't say anything to Roxy because I didn't want to get her hopes up. However, our most recent conversation has confirmed what I already suspected.
There are no trolls alive in my time, except for Her. So I guess that means that you're probably dead by now and another friend that I'll never meet. It's okay, I'm getting quite the collection.
Who am I kidding. I'd never send this.
Warning: exiting the chat client will result in the loss of all unsent messages. Are you sure you want to exit?
❯ Yes
TT: I could make it happen if you want.
CG: WHAT ARE YOU BLATHERING ABOUT.
TT: That whole becoming your own kismesis thing.
TT: I could totally do it.
TT: I just finished creating a sparring robot for one of my buddies, which I made in my own image.
TT: If you send me a picture of what you look like I could make one for you.
You're a little disgusted that Dirk actually thinks you would be that desperate (okay, you are actually pretty desperate and it is literally a life or death situation, but it is still pretty insulting that he thinks that about you).
At the same time you think of the robotic tail that asshole Equius made for Nepeta and you wonder what Dirk means by the gesture.
CG: YOU REMIND ME SOMETIMES OF A TROLL I KNOW.
TT: Oh?
CG: HE IS THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE I HAVE EVER HAD THE DISPLEASURE OF KNOWING.
CG: IF YOU HAVE EVER CONCEIVED OF SOMETHING THAT YOU WOULD DECLARE THE WORST HE WOULD SURPASS IT.
CG: HE CONTAMINATES EVERYTHING AROUND HIM WITH JUST HOW MUCH HE SUCKS.
CG: HE IS LIKE A VOID CONSTANTLY SUCKING EVERYTHING ELSE INTO HIS ENDURING MASS OF SUCKAGE.
CG: UNTIL EVEN YOU START TO SUCK JUST FOR KNOWING HIM.
CG: THAT IS THE TROLL YOUR REMIND ME OF.
TT: Considering what I know of troll culture, this is actually very flattering.
TT: Are you perhaps harboring some black feelings for me, Karkat?
TT: Have I inspired obsidian emotions in the cold cockles of your fluttering blood pump?
CG: NO, YOU ASSHOLE.
CG: I DON'T HAVE THOSE TYPES OF FEELINGS TOWARDS YOU.
CG: I AM FRANKLY DISTURBED THAT YOU SUGGESTED IT.
TT: Don't worry, dude, I'm only kidding around.
TT: I don't hate you too. ❮3
You feel blood rushing to your face and abruptly log off without bothering to reply.
Dirk isn't a troll, but he is surprisingly knowledgeable about some aspects of Alternian culture. The question is does he know enough to be aware of what he just implied.
You spend the whole day thinking about it.
For some reason you can't explain, you feel the same out of breath rush you usually get from a particularly good sickle practice session.
TT: Come on, just open the file.
CG: MY REFUSAL IS STEADFAST.
CG: I AM LIKE A PART OF THE PLANET'S LANDSCAPE.
CG: WHICH CANNOT BE MOVED EVER.
CG: EXCEPT POSSIBLY BY BEING ERODED STEADILY OVER THOUSANDS OF SWEEPS.
CG: WHICH IS TIME YOUR PUNY HUMAN LIFE DOES NOT ALLOW YOU.
CG: SO YOU CANNOT SUCCEED.
TT: It's just a show, Karkat.
CG: A SHOW WHICH IS FOR TINY HUMAN GIRLS.
TT: First of all, you need to get over this whole machismo gender segregation of interests thing because it's really nonsensical in your culture.
TT: Your friends, some of whom are girls, play FLARP games, which you also say are for girls, where there is serious risk of injury and death.
TT: What you have described to me is some hardcore shit.
TT: Second, this show teaches some really good lessons that I feel you are in need of.
TT: I cannot abide you continuing to equate friendship and hatred.
TT: Friendship is magic, Karkat.
TT: Third, my research on the twenty-first century indicates that the most notable audience of this show was made up of adult men.
TT: Not everything that has been said about them is particularly flattering, but I can conclude that they definitely existed.
TT: This is what primarily drew my attention to this show in the first place as part of my research.
CG: THAT IS A LIE, DIRK.
CG: WHAT DREW YOU TO THAT SHOW IS YOUR SICK AND UNNATURAL FIXATION ON EARTH HOOFBEASTS.
TT: This is also true.
TT: Okay, will you open this file?
TT: It's not even a video file, it's an image.
CG: ALRIGHT I WILL OPEN YOUR STUPID FILE IF IT MEANS THAT MUCH TO YOU.
CG: WHAT THE FUCK AM I LOOKING AT?
TT: It is your new MLP: FiM fursona.
TT: I drew it for you.
TT: My research in "brony" culture has lead me into researching "furry" culture.
TT: There is apparently quite an overlap.
TT: It actually makes for some interesting reading.
CG: I AM DELETING THIS FILE, JUST SO YOU ARE AWARE.
CG: I DON'T WANT YOUR WEIRD FETISH STUFF ON MY HUSKTOP.
You don't delete the file.
In retaliation you make him watch some rom-coms with you. He says he enjoyed them ironically.
You're not entirely sure what the difference between irony and sincerity actually is when it comes to him.
He says they're probably the same thing.
It's your wriggling day when it happens. You see Dirk's message flashing on your screen, but you decide to ignore it because you're going to play a game. You don't really want to disappear in the middle of the conversation because you're busy playing the game or vice versa. You can talk to him later.
You don't talk to him again for three human years.
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [GT]
TT: Hey, man.
TT: Happy birthday.
TT: ❮3
Warning: Critical error detected. Pesterlog cannot continue.
The handle "carcinoGeneticist" does not exist.
❯ Karkat: Remember
You are now seven point four sweeps old and on the cusp of entering a new universe. You are terrified. You have made so many mistakes and lost so many of your friends. You might still lose more before this is all over.
You are also excited.
And also even more terrified.
You have long since figured out that Dirk Strider is on the other side of the humans' scratched session. The grief that rocked through you when you and Dave Strider were exchanging "war stories" and he related the discovery of his brother's death caught you off guard. You felt selfish for it because Dave had more of a right to that grief than you did. You're just some guy who had a childish flush crush on an alternate version of his brother years ago and never did anything about it.
You wonder what Dirk thought when you disappeared.
If he asked you now, you would probably admit that the coding that allowed the two of you to meet was a mistake. It is probably the only mistake that you don't regret.
You think you should probably tell him that when you see him, even if he doesn't care.
You've made too many mistakes that you regret regarding people you care about to make another one now.
You are seven point four sweeps old and everything is about to happen.