What happens when you lose the one you love?
"It was Jeff wasn't it?" His voice was a poisonous whisper to my ears.
What happens when that person was all you lived for?
"Tell me who it was! Tell me if I caught the right one!" He was yelling now, his body being wracked by strange shudders.
I forced my eyes open against the dim light that had snuck in through the pitiful window on the south side of the dingy room.
"You… you… you will… never… know." I said, my voice rough from disuse. His head snapped back from its position against his chest, and his glowing eyes turned to lock with mine from across the room.
He didn't say anything. Thinking he would be done interrogating me for today, I slumped back down into the chair, feeling the splinters of old wood dig into my back. Normally this would have caused me some pain, but I was so used to it by now that these days I wouldn't feel it if an elephant sat on my head.
It was too late to look up, too late to cringe, too late to move out of the way. There was absolutely no warning at all. His hand came flying out of the darkness and hit the side of my face with a sickening thud. I'd forgotten how well he could move in the darkness, forgotten how quiet he could be when he put in the effort.
I flew through the air and hit the brick wall. From the sound of it, a bone was broken. My body immediately slid to the ground, and because of my impenetrable weakness, I could not move it, I could not order it under my control, nothing. My brain was saying one thing, but my muscles did not understand the order.
I heard a small scuffle, and within seconds of it, something large and dark landed beside me.
His hand grabbed the hair on my head and pulled it up so that my eyes were level with his.
At that point I could not suppress a gasp of agony at being moved.
He grinned, showing perfect white teeth that glimmered in the shadows.
"That, is what I like to hear." He said huskily. "Now, you understand, I'm only doing this for your protection? There's no other way my dear. All you have to do is tell me who he was… and I'll let you go."
I put on my brave face and glared at him with as much defiance as I could muster.
He let me go with a snort.
I sighed in relief.
"Well, I really was hoping it wouldn't come to this, but, I guess you just can't help yourself can you?" He said it lightly, with an air of feigned unimportance.
I struggled to push myself up against the wall, gritting my teeth to stop the pain from forming sounds.
"And where do you think your going?" He asked roughly. His hands came up to slam my body further into the wall. " I think I haven't had my fill of you yet."
I knew what was coming next. My mind began to go through a familiar routine: lockdown mode.
His breath tickled my ear, coming out in pants rather than levelled breaths. His hands began sliding down my body.
"I'm telling you, you could save yourself all this pain if you just told me."
I didn't reply, I didn't care anymore. He paused for half a second.
"That's your final answer?"
He began moving faster now, unafraid of what the future would hold.
It was going to happen again. One more time, one more night. My mind was quickly getting engulfed in shadows.
Lock away the memories, erase everything. Make your mind blank. That's what I had been told. If you go through an unpleasant experience, shut yourself off from the real world, reside inside yourself. I was almost ready now, almost there, I just had one more memory floating across the vast extent of my memoir.
A face, smoother than baby oil, the color of caramel, with warm brown eyes, and long, black hair that glistened under the sun. A face of a man I once knew. He was smiling, and when he smiled, it seemed the whole world came alive, as if he were the father of nature. His mouth was moving now, forming a question.
Who is it? Did you pick the right one? Who is it?
He was speaking to me, and, in the trance that I was, I heard myself reply.
Who is what?
He turned to me with an expression that took my breath away, so much love and wonderment. His hand came up and gently traced my cheek. I felt his touch as that of a ghost.
Whom do you love? He asked.
I waited, not wanting to leave this wonderful world, where everything was in its rightful place.
I heard my dream self begin to speak, and just as I held my breath to hear the answer, the memory was shuffled away into some dark recess of my mind, maybe never to be seen again.
It didn't matter, I knew what the answer was.
Whom do you love? He had asked.
I knew the answer. It lay in every action I did, every fiber of my being; I knew the answer.
Oh, Jacob. I love you.
And then the dream world became reality, and something was pushing into me, and the pain was uncontrollable. I couldn't fight back, couldn't move. I was a doll in the hands of its maker.
He grunted as he moved against me.
"Will you tell me? Will you tell me who he is?" He spat out now. Words I had heard before, words that meant everything.
I lifted my head and looked into his eyes.
Don't you know?
A glimmer of recognition shown in them before being overtaken by some stronger emotion.
He is you. I thought sadly.
I felt my strength ebb away, felt my head spin, and then the blanket of darkness came, and without a second thought I stepped up to meet it, overjoyed by the chance to get out of this world and all the pain it caused me.