Sitting under the warm morning sun, I start thinking about everything I've been through to finally get here. I think about Sarah for a few moments, but then I let it go being confident that in despite the pain is never going to leave, it won't help to keep on trapped in memories. I smile when I think of my actual life, in the beautiful woman I have as my girlfriend and Ellie, that has become a beautiful, brave and more mature girl, and in how it makes me proud how I helped her to become who she is now. Sometimes is hard to deal with her stubborn personality, the responsibility of taking care of her and the fact that sooner or later she's going to realize I lied about the Fireflies.
Facing the possibility of her leaving the dim and surviving by herself, scares me a bit. I'm totally aware of her skills, it's only that after all that time looking after her, watching her grow and specially how our bond evolved in that adventure finished almost two years ago, make me feel almost in the same way I did after snatching her from Marlene's evil hands. My life wouldn't be the same without her, and, of course hers wouldn't be the same without me. Don't get me wrong. This goes further than the selfishness of a almost-sixty-decades man. It's all about looking after her like she was my own daughter, but sooner or later she's going to crave of making her own life. Actually, I feel something is happening within Ellie, something I have never perceived over this years and that is difficult to understand. Actually I'm not pretty sure about how a seventeen year old girl should act like, but that behavior is far from what she uses to be. Did she realize about my lie? Would she like to look for a galvanizing life in another place? Would she like to come back to Boston military school? Suddenly I hear steps behind me and I stop gazing the autumn forest view to figure out who it is.
Talking of.
-Hey, Joel.- She mutters, hands on her black pants front pockets and walking towards me. Her eyes slightly covered by her red hair are fixed on the mossy concrete floor as her red flannel flutters with the wind. Along this years, she had hell of a change. Her body was more curved and she grew up a few centimeters. Also, her face wasn't a baby face anymore . But her eyes were the same metallic green. That green keeping a dark, sorrowful past. I can't avoid astonishment every time she comes around, filling my chest with pride. I leave the guitar on my left side
-Hey kiddo. What ya doin' up so early? Thought Maria would let ya rest for today due of our hunting game from yesterday.-I tell her with a smirk and a small chuckle. She walks towards the rail and rests her arms on it by my side to after gazing the horizon for a couple of seconds without saying any word.
-I had a bad dream-She starts, nodding her head and pursing her lips while her glance is still on the sun rising.-Thought a bit of fresh air would help me...what about you?-I sigh lightly cringing my shoulders and gazing at my guitar with the corner of my eye.
-I...just...couldn't sleep. I guess we've got the same idea.-I chuckle again in hope Ellie imitates me, but it seems like her level of introspection doesn't allow her to hear me-Hey, It's everythin' all right?
She strikes her head closing her eyes like a gesture of confusion and attempt to come back to reality. Then she blinks a few times and separates of the baranda just resting her hands and stretching her arms.
-I...uh...dreamt about Riley-She says, giving me a short shy glance-I dreamt about the moment when we were bitten.-She rests on the banister again with glassy eyes, but I prefer not to speed it up and I let her open up by herself if necessary. There is another unending pause that it only fills partially by the rustling.-It doesn't matter how much time passes by, the remorse and guilt are still there, seeking me day after day. Also, I can't' stop thinking what would happen in things were different. I can't deny that day in the mall was...-She stops, smiling at the void.
I don't know what is she thinking, but there is something about the shine on her eyes I've seen before, a shine that expresses something deeper than when talking about just a friendship, but I ignore it, believing that is only provoked by the storm that torments the girl. I narrow my eyes, willing to listen more of it due of not having too much to say-beautiful, of course; What keeps me awake at night is, apart of the fact of what could've happen if...she was still here...what could've happen if the Fireflies haven't been so coward, and pathetic for stop looking for the vaccine and if they'd used my blood for reverting engineer. Just think about it. If they weren't so pathetic for giving up, the social statement would've been reestablished. Our lives would be way better and people would've stop dying, at least because of Cordyceps. Lots of families, friendships and couples could be able to joining again or at least they wouldn't have that fear of being suddenly ripen apart.
Something inside of me shakes, filling me with emotions that flow from guilt due of the lie to the commotion for what just fell on me. I don't know where to begin, because the flow of my own thoughts suddenly gets unsettled. I start drowning on confusion, the anguish, the astonishment and over all the guilt behind that selfish action that drift me to condemn humanity to keep looking for another opportunity and the Fireflies to go on without their leader . Because of a sudden feeling of dizziness, I feel the need of sitting down in a destroyed chair near us and Ellie looks at me with the same upsetting that fills my hazel eyes.
-Um...-I startle nervously. My heart is racing furiously against my chest and the sweat silently rolls down my temple. I curse to myself and try to talk again.-There's...There's something you should know...already.-She looks at me turning her body at me completely so Ellie now is looking at me with grim eyes and severe expression. Sometimes is something amazing, but astonishing about her and those green emerald eyes of hers, how she is able to be loving and caring but also intimidating and change from one moment to another depending of the situation and how overflows in a concerned confusion. It reminds me the moment I found her striking a machete against the face of that cannibal guy who tried to...I come back from my introspection to find her narrow eyes.
-The...uhm...Fireflies. They didn't stop lookin' for the...cure.-And then I feel how everything shatters. Every memory we made up together. Every molecula into time, every breath we spent together and specially our beautiful almost-dad-and-daughter-relationship. I can perceive how inside she is breaking, tearing apart everything we made up with blurry eyes and a disgusting feeling of let down. Her eyes moves from one spot to another. From my face to the ground, from the ground at the morning view and then to a leaf moving slightly by the breeze while twisting her fingers as she always do when nervous. When her eyes meet mine again, I know something inside of her shattered. I can feel a deep shame on her eyes, shame on me for what I've done. She was looking at me with blaming matt gaze and sorrow. Something inside of Ellie was broken like when the flames were sweltering us in an abandoned restaurant, in a lost city covered on white.-They actually wanted your brain...all of it. They were goin' to kill you to find out what was makin' you immune. But I couldn't stand losing you like Sarah.-
-So unselfish of fucking you, Joel. Deprive the human race from a cure and me from the guilt that has been harassing me since the day Riley died-
-I know I was selfish, but I want you to understand...-
-What do you want me to understand?! That you worry about yourself more than me? I'm not someone you can replace Sarah with and neither am I someone who's here to brush away all your shitty feelings of guilt like "Now i'm goin' to do it fine"-She imitated my Texan accent almost as a hurtful mock now moving her hands up and down with anger. I frown trying to control the pain.
-Don't.-Thought my lips I let out a small sigh.-Don't say that.-Then mumble irascible. Ellie shudders slightly due of my response, but despite of that, stays strong.
-Joel, you knew I was disposed to even give my life for the cure. We knew it. So then why? Why saving me?- I stop for a moment and think. There is a lot of things I can say. I rub my watch softly remembering Sarah and then think about all those things we went trought since we met in that small bakery back in Boston. I remember being cold and an asshole to Ellie the same way she was to me. Remember when she tried to whistle or told me things about herself and the only thing I could do was nodding and mumbling an small "Yeah" or telling her to shut up or we would get busted. I remember those stupid puns while walking or traveling that I actually grew to like. Just like I grew to like her, to feel sympathy and finally our bond grew to the point that we cared and worried of each other, and even if we didn't know too much about the past of the other, we knew each other as if we were always sticked together. That's why I wouldn't stand losing her. Because of that and other thing.
-I wouldn't stand loosin' you. Not only because I grew to love you like my own daughter. Also because lookin' after you turned into my reason to keep fightin'. To be alive. If it wasn't for you, I'd probably be hang somewhere or with a self-inducted shot in my head.-She walked towards the rail stairs and then hesitated before looking at me again. Her eyes looked clearly more peaceful than before, like if she understood my reasons, but there was still something there hitting like a storm inside those pupils.
-You know? It reminds me of something that Riley said after being bitten...-The redhead looked into the woods.- She said..."There are a million ways we could die before today, and a million ways we can die before tomorrow, but we fight for every minute we get to spend for each other, wether is two hours, or two days. We don't give that up. I don't want to give that up" And, well, that's what I've been trying to do during this months. Fight for her. For you. I...um...understand you. Maybe I'd do the same if things were different. Yeah, I still think you were selfish. But I was selfish too for asking Riley to stay. I think we thought the same...how...our lives would be meaningless without those people. And that's human. Also...-Ellie looks down and then glazes again at me-She taught me about take the most of every moment I get to spend with my few loved ones. So I better not lose my time arguing when I kind of knew from the beginning and, you know? Get why you did it. And you're olding out.-We both laugh for a brief moment and then my seriousness comes back at the same time the girl's eyes darken.
-Ellie, I...I'm sorry. Sorry for lyin' to you and hidin' it all this time.-
-No...It's...-She sighs.-It's okay. Life goes on, time heals...I guess that's the only way life's meant to be.-She tugs the sides of her mouth softly for a brief moment in a sad, lethargic and depressing way. The tone of her voice sounded strangely melancholic. I just stare quietly. It feels kind of unbelievable how well actually the redhead took all of this. I thought she was going to hate me and almost toss me off the balcony, but instead of that she understood. She passed through the same as I did. Same guilt, same pain. And probably the same nightmares.
But I feel something different about this and about those words that girl said. Something so faithful and caring that made me think they actually...Can it be? Sarah never...never told me about having crushes on anyone, but by myself I could distinguish perfectly how loving someone felt like. I feel a rush of blood to my head and my heart starts racing again.-Wait.- She looks at me with a shine of curiosity on her eyes.-You...you and that girl Riley...you were more than friends, weren't you?-
She looks at me with that melancholic shine in her emerald eyes, but is not the only thing. It feels like something inside of her breaks and breaks away at the same time.
-Yeah.-She glazes down to her black old snickers and rubbing her nose nervously with her index and a slight blush on her cheeks. She looks at me again, taking her time before talking again-...I mean...kind of...Since the first time I saw her stubborn eyes and that arrogant silhouette I knew she was special. Then it was just a matter of time before realizing that actually what I felt for her was more than just... admiration. That morning at the mall I could feel the tension between us, but I wasn't confident enough to take the chance, until...-She sigh looking at her snickers-Until I told her not to go and she...she took off her dog tag and...-Ellie swings a brief moment back and forth on her heels and fingertips and the continues.-I kissed...uhm...I kissed her. I-I was very nervous after that. Actually I apologized, but she didn't care too much. She actually looked at me as she felt the same as I did. And then it came. The infected...If it wasn't for them, we would be together by now. But at least I can remember that day and our last hours together cuddling and...kissing in a room waiting to turn-She showed her back to me again and restarted the descent trough the stairs obviously affected by the reminder of what probably was one of her worst days.
I never thought I was going to get attached so much to this girl that started up being just cargo. I never thought she was like that...I wouldn't imagine she actually was in love with this girl. The same way I never imagined ending up talking about this kind of topics. The same way I never thought the dark, sorrowful past she carried before that dark event on winter. But it happens that after all, this girl called Ellie Williams, which started being mere cargo, turned into my daughter. That made me not care at all if she was in love with Riley. It only made me feel more admiration for her strength and love.
And now more than ever she needed me, because as she was the only one I had despite of Tommy, I was the very only one she had. Because everyone she ever cared of...has either died or left her. Everyone except of me. And if I was so selfish, I can't disappoint or let her down. And I won't.