Seems like the millionth time I've stood here watching over him. Lying there completely out of it. Bruises littered all over his face. Another concussion added to his already too long for my liking list. It never ceases to amaze me how young he looks while asleep. Makes him seem more vulnerable. More fragile. More Sammy than Sam.
Every time I sit here the same questions go through my mind. "What could I have done?, Why is it always him?" I think back to what happened. We were investigating some abandoned run down house. We were arguing. Seems to be a daily occurrence these days. What were we arguing about? I glance at the clock. It's past midnight. It's Sam's birthday today. What a way to spend it eh!
This is the last birthday I will spend with him. Why are our lives so screwed up? The deal is hanging over us. Has been since day one. We go about our daily tasks and hunt as often as we can but it's always there. For Sam's sake I keep the tough guy pretence up but the truth is I am crumbling and crumbling fast. I am terrified. More terrified than I've ever been. Terrified of how I'll die. Terrified of hell. But the thing I'm most terrified about comes back to the person I value and love the most. Sam.
I don't want to leave him alone. Sure Bobby is there but I know Sammy and I know what's best for him. I know when he wants to talk. I know when he wants to be left alone. I know when he is coming down with a cold. I know him better than myself. The worst thing is I know the evils of this world and what they are capable of and they all seem to be gunning for my little brother. And I won't be here to defend him and that is a realisation worse than death.
Ruby wants me to help her toughen him up. Become inhuman and unfeeling. All the things that makes him who he is. All the things I mock him over but those are the things I admire most about him. Looking at him I know the exact person he is. He is sensitive, compassionate, loving, loyal and will do anything for anyone even if it comes at a price to him. He is the strongest person I know..
In his 25 years he has gone through so much. Losing Mom. Probably one of the hardest things I have gone through but I have memories. I can remember her smell, her voice, her smile. Sam has none of them. He has gone through being forced out of his home so he could be normal. No child deserves that. The love of his life killed over his bed and all he could do was watch. Sometimes I think he would have preferred I had left him there that night. He will never get over Jess.. His visions and the YED. Such excruciating pain and seeing what he sees in those visions and his first thought after every one of them is getting to those people.
One thing I think affected him in a major way was Dad. Sammy butted heads with him so much but Dad never made it easy for him. Sam was not willing to just fall into line, He could stand up for himself and he proved that on many occasions. But what Dad told me to do. To kill Sammy if it came to it. That hurt him so much. It killed me thinking about it but I can only imagine what it done to Sam. Knowing that your own father actually told your brother you might have to kill me. Way to win father of the year Dad. But through it all Sam remained Sam.
The night he was stabbed was the moment in my life I so badly want to forget but the moment I think of the most. The light dimming in his eyes, his body losing complete control and not hearing him reply when I screamed his name. God he looked so scared. Thinking about how scared I am about hell, it can't be any worse than sitting with Sam's corpse just praying it was all a dream. I admit I was reckless making the crossroads deal but I had no choice. Sam was dead and I couldn't let that happen.
I have my tough guy persona I use on everyone but my mind is filled with darkness and uncertainty, The things I have seen will do that to you. The only person who got me through it was Sam. He is the only light guiding me through it. I would have given up a long time ago if it wasn't for him. And when Sam was dead I was dead and I was never going to be able to live with that.
As he shifts in his sleep I promise him and myself I am not going to let anyone change him for any reason. I won't let Ruby change him and I won't let him change him. As I settle the blankets around him and he turns to face me, his face so peaceful in sleep, I move a strand of hair out of his eyes and whisper Happy Birthday Sammy and I know there is good in the world with him in it and come what may I made the right decision and Sammy will have the chance at the life he deserves and I won't let anyone prevent that.