a lack of colour
She's driving him crazy and he doesn't know why.
It could because she's so pretty or because she's smart or maybe because he knows that he'll never be able to have her.
She shoots him a smile and it's one that he wishes he could frame and hang on his wall and treasure for the rest of his life. He wants to fall to his knees right there and then but he stands his ground and politely smiles back.
He wonders if that was a smile meant just for him. He likes the idea of a secret smile that they could both share, one that only lovers shared. But they aren't lovers and no matter how much he wishes they were he knows they can't be.
She's only seventeen and it's such a delicate age. She's like a flower that's coming into bloom and all he can think about when he looks at her are her bright eyes. He knows they hold so many secrets and he wishes that she would share those secrets with him, and that he would be the one to protect her from them.
He looks at her as he crosses the room to where they're setting the table and he wonders why he was invited to this the dinner. He never went to Bloor's, he was only Charlie's friend. The whole time, just Charlie's friend and he needs to know if he's more than Charlie's friend to her.
There's an empty space between her and Charlie and he takes it, trying his best not to look at her. But he can't help it and he wonders if she can feel time slowing down as he turns his head. She's looking away and he feels crushed that she doesn't feel the urge to look at him.
The dinner starts and Tancred begins cracking jokes and Emma's holding onto his arm but he doesn't seem to notice her gaze or the way she needs him and he wonders if she feels the same way about him.
"Benjamin, can you pass the salad, please?" He hears a voice but it's not her, her voice is so much more beautiful. So he passes the salad to Olivia, feeling so numb inside that he just wants to break open and crack until she really sees who he is but he knows that even if he does she won't look.
He sits and waits for the day when his life will be so much bigger than passing salad at dinner parties.
---
Fidelio is banging his fist on the bar and Benjamin is trying to pretend like the sound doesn't echo in his head and make everything a thousand times worse.
He hears Fidelio's angry yell to the bartender and he just wants to close his eyes and fade away into the distance because he's staring straight at Una. It's like a car crash and he can't look away because looking away would be like letting go and he would never let go of her.
She's sitting at a table with a boy and laughing. He thinks he's all that with his skinny jeans and neon-coloured belt and blue streaks in his blond hair and he's drinking coke but Una has a Sprite because that's what she always has and Benjamin wishes he didn't know what she was drinking because then maybe he wouldn't think about her so much and wonder if maybe he ordered a Sprite too then she would notice.
"Benjamin?"
He hears the voice but he doesn't want to answer because that would mean looking away and looking away meant leaving her alone with the boy.
"Benjamin!"
This time there's a hand being waved in front of his face and he turns around with a subdued look on his face at Fidelio who finally got his drink from the bartender.
"Yeah?" Benjamin asks even though he's really not that interested and instincts are telling him to turn around and protect her because really that's all he wants to do.
"You getting anything?" Fidelio asks him and Benjamin nods and orders a beer because that's the only way he's going to be able to drown his sorrows tonight.
---
She visits him in his dreams and it scares him but he doesn't want to ask her to go because then she might never come back.
They're sitting at a restaurant and he doesn't know which one but it really doesn't matter and she's having a drink and she's not allowed to have a drink because she's not eighteen and he tries to stop her but she just looks and him and he just wilts and-
He doesn't want to think anymore because his thoughts are getting so far ahead of him. She gets up and walks away and he's left with the tab so he hastily grabs some pounds from his pockets and leaves them on the table as he follows her.
"Stop," she tries to tell him but he grabs her wrist.
"I don't want to stop," his voice sounds so small and so choked like a small child and he wants to break inside because she wants him to stop.
Benjamin holds her tighter and she turns to look at him and there's fear in her eyes but there's also want and then he's kissing her and he's not stopping.
Then Una's invisible and he's so startled he lets go and before he knows it, she's gone.
When he wakes up, he wakes up panting and frightened because as much as he wants her he doesn't want to scare her and just the thought of forcing her to do anything scares him because she's so young and he's twenty-four.
---
They're having a real conversation today and Benjamin's thrilled because it isn't awkward.
He dropped by the Pet's Café with Charlie and Gabriel and was duly surprised when Una came to talk to him while she was on work. He loves looking at her and wondering why she does the things she does, like tying up her hair when it's so much more beautiful long.
"I saw you at the pub last night," she drops the ball casually.
"Yeah. I didn't notice you were there, though," he says quickly- too quickly- and immediately regrets it because he doesn't want her to think he doesn't care about her.
"Oh," she tells him and he wonders if it's just his imagination or does she actually sound disappointed?
He can't help himself as he reaches up to finger one of the chopsticks wound in her bun. "Why do you keep your hair up?" he asks and the regrets it and he doesn't know how to have this conversation with her and it scares him.
He feels her tremble underneath him before she looks down and tells him. "I have to do it for work. Hygiene reasons."
Benjamin nods because he understands but he still doesn't like it so he says, "It's so much prettier when it's down."
And now she's frozen because he just told her that her hair was pretty and if he isn't mistaken there's a blush sliding across her face as she turns away. "I need to get back to the kitchen," she tells him but he doesn't think she really needs to so he grabs her wrist and suddenly it's like his dream.
Una looks like she's been caught telling a lie and she's blushing and biting her lip and Benjamin knows that he isn't anything like her boyfriend and he doesn't wear skinny jeans or have dyed hair but he hopes she likes him anyways.
"Stop," she tells him and his worst fears are confirmed. Slowly, he lets her arm drop before looking down. She's walking away and he wishes she would stop and his mouth forms the words but he just can't say them.
---
"Sorry," he tells her the next time he sees her.
She's standing on the sidewalk and he's caught her arm but she looks like she really doesn't mind.
"I have a date," Una says but he knows that she doesn't really want to go.
Benjamin can't believe what he's doing when he bends down and whispers in her ear because he's the shy one and she's not even legal yet and he just can't describe how much he wants her. "Break it."
He's even more surprised when she wraps an arm around his neck, the contact sending shivers down his spine, and brings her own mouth to his ear.
"I wish I could."
He can't forget her ghost-like voice for the rest of the day.
---
"You're beautiful," he says to the mirror because he can't say the words to her face and he doesn't even want to think about their age difference.
"You're beautiful," he repeats but the mirror doesn't reply and he realizes that it's because the mirror can't say anything at all and all he's doing is talking to himself because he knows that there isn't anyone out there who would listen.
He finds the phone.
---
"I like Una," Benjamin says.
Charlie is sitting at his kitchen table, tracing his finger over the grains of wood. He doesn't reply.
"Charlie?" Benjamin asks and he realizes his voice is getting smaller and admitting this to Charlie hadn't taken the weight off of his chest at all.
"She's seventeen," says Charlie in a thick voice and Benjamin's heart sinks lower than he ever thought it could possibly go and the numb feeling overtakes him once more.
"I know," he whispers dryly as his fingers drum a strange rhythm on the glass of milk he's holding but not really conscious of holding because he feels like his vision is fading out and he wonders why every is so black all of a sudden.
Charlie stands up and walks to the door. "Why, Ben? Why her? Why not some normal girl from some normal school."
Then Benjamin understands that Charlie isn't just worried about the ages but about Una's endowment and the fact that they're from different walks of life and he just doesn't want Ben to get hurt.
But he doesn't care.
"I need her, Charlie," he says and his voice is dry and he realizes that he's crying so he wipes away the tears before Charlie comes back because he doesn't want Charlie to see that he's so emotionally attached to her.
Charlie doesn't say anything and Benjamin finds himself wishing for Runner Bean, but Runner Bean's dead and buried in the ground and now there's no one left who understands Benjamin but his mirror and his mirror can't speak.
---
"I want to kiss you," Benjamin tells her but it's just a dream.
This time she doesn't say stop. This time she pulls his head down and kisses him but she doesn't just stop there and now her hands are beginning to inch down his pants and this isn't what he wants and he just wants her to-
"Stop," he says and he realizes how much that word hurts him.
"Why?"
She's laughing now and Benjamin realizes how angry he is and he grabs both of her wrists. She can't see how he's dying inside and this obsession is killing him and he wishes he could give in to the dream where she's slowly undressing him but he knows this isn't her.
"I want to kiss Una," he enunciates so that there will be no misunderstanding this time.
"You can't," The Una-that-isn't-Una whispers and then he wakes up.
---
He locks himself inside his house and he never wants to leave again. He never wants to see her again, so he concentrates on doing the only thing he knows how to do.
He's playing video games on his computer and he remembers playing video games with Charlie when he was twelve but that was so long ago and now Charlie thinks he's some sort of creep and he can't even confide in Charlie anymore.
Benjamin's wining the game but at the same time he knows he's losing because really aren't they both the same thing in the end? He's winning here but he's slowly drifting away from everything and all he wants is Una.
---
She's standing on his doorstep and all he can do is invite her in.
"Want anything from the fridge?" he asks, trying to distract himself from how obsessed he is with her.
"No," she says and the tone of her voice makes him realize that this might not be a pleasant visit. He sits down in the chair across from her, eyes serious and he realizes that her eyes aren't just the plain brown that he thought but before he can get lost in them she continues.
"I'm sorry about the other day," Una tells him, fiddling with her hair, which he notices is down and over her shoulders.
He leans forward earnestly. "Don't be."
"You're too old," she replies but they're both leaning in anyways and Benjamin really wants to kiss her.
But she's right. He's too old. He wants to tell her that it doesn't matter, but he knows it really does. Before he can her voice cuts him off. "I don't care anymore…"
He ducks. "Stop."
Then she's gone and the door is slammed behind her and Benjamin doesn't know what he's done except that he's ruined his only hope of being with her. It's only been two days since the dinner party and he wonders why everything is happening so fast.
He's not endowed. He can't deal with it.
He's only Benjamin Brown.
"I'm only Benjamin Brown!" he yells, bordering on hysteria. He picks up the closest heavy object- a vase- and hurls it against the wall in despair. He's only a shy boy with messy brown hair. He's only Charlie's friend.
But that was twelve years ago.
Benjamin doesn't feel like he's grown a bit.
---
He's telling Fidelio everything over the phone and Fidelio doesn't know what to say.
"I told her to stop," Benjamin confesses. "But I like her and I want her and I've always liked her even though she's too young for me and she's driven me crazy for forever but recently everything's changed."
He wants to tell the whole world to stop but he can't because he's only Benjamin Brown.
---
He falls asleep right away and he doesn't want to dream but he can't help himself.
The dream is about her but he saw that one coming.
She looks like Una but he really can't tell if it's her or if it's someone else just wearing her face. When she tries to kiss him he knows it isn't her so he pulls away.
"Why?" her voice is questioning and he has to remind himself that it isn't her voice because the Una he likes is sweet and intelligent and beautiful and she would never try to jump him like that.
His voice is a whisper. "What's my name?"
She tilts her head. She's wondering why it matters, Benjamin can see the unspoken question in her eyes. Disgusted, he turns away.
---
He wakes up with a sickening realization and the first thing he wants to do is go to the bathroom and throw up but his legs won't move and it's frustrating him and he just can't believe he was so stupid.
Una never liked him. Him, Benjamin Brown.
She liked the idea of him. An older man, more distinguished, with a job (one that he had to go to this morning). She just wants an older man for the experience. She doesn't want him because he's Benjamin Brown.
He wants to cry and call in sick for work but he can't because he's strong and he has to show that he's still strong.
The phone rings and Benjamin looks at it. He picks it up even though he really doesn't want to. "Hello?"
"Benjamin?" It's her.
He hangs up so hard that his head pounds.
Still, the way she said his name was so sweet.
---
He can't avoid her forever and he knows that. But in the meantime he can still turn off his cell phone and concentrate on his work. Stories, he needs a story. He needs a story desperately because out of the corner of his eye he can see his editor glaring at him so he takes a pencil and sticks it behind his ear.
An invisible man for an invisible woman. That's what he had thought of himself as. But now he wasn't invisible. He had made himself so visible and it had been the complete wrong move.
"A story, Benjamin," he reminds himself because the newspaper was still going to be printed whether or not he had his story.
It was printed the same time every day and Ben wishes he could be like a newspaper and have a schedule, a set time to do everything and not have to worry about girls because his life would always be routine and he would always know what was happening.
Ben just wants to fade into the newsprint that was lying on his desk but he can't because he needed a job and to keep his job he needs a story.
He laughs ruefully.
"Benjamin Brown needs a story."
He always loved telling stories, and the newspaper allows him to tell those stories with a different face, so he can still be his shy self.
"Benjamin, are you working?" He likes his editor but today he just wishes she would leave him alone.
"Yeah," he lies, and that's that.
---
"Can we meet?"
It's been a week and he's sick of avoiding her. He leans against the streetlight with his cell phone in hand and he wonders if she can hear the pain in his voice.
"Yes."
He knows what he wants to tell her but he doesn't know if he can.
---
"Una," he starts and he pauses because he knows if he finishes this than he finishes everything.
She's listening. "Una," he begins again. "Look. About the other day… I don't know what you want. An older man? A new experience? Me only because I'm older and because you think I'm interested and you can take advantage of that? I don't know what you're looking for but you won't find it in me."
Because he's only Benjamin. Nothing more.
Una grabs his hands from across the coffee table and she meets his weak gaze with a strong look. "Ben, do you want me?" She twines her fingers with his and he feels his legs shaking.
He can't believe she's in his house and they're sitting on his couches facing each other and his bedroom is only a metre away. He feels himself shaking and he knows that he can't lie to her. "Yes."
She called him Ben.
Her voice is surprisingly honest. "I've never been with an older man."
He winces because she's admitting that she's been with other men and she's only seventeen and Benjamin is having trouble thinking back to his first time because Una's sitting there and she's the only thing he wants to think about.
"I don't want you if you're just looking for a thrill," he says darkly and he hates himself for it because having a thrill with her would be just fine with him if she wasn't seventeen and the most precious thing in the world to him.
He wants to be her older brother but he can't be that because he wants to touch her and kiss her and protect her from every man that isn't him because she should be his.
"It would have to be secret, anyways," he adds. At least until she was older.
Then she's coming over to him and she's straddling him and he loves it but in the back of his mind he knows that this isn't the Una he wants. "I'm okay with that," she says but he moves away.
He wants to tell her to stop but he can't and now she's undoing the buttons on his jeans and this is everything he's ever wanted and everything he hates at the same time, but he can't deny that her fingers feel like magic on his exposed skin.
She's tugging his hand now and leading him into the bedroom and it feels so stuffy in there and Benjamin wants to throw up again but he doesn't, he just holds on as Una leads and he wonders where he went wrong.
---
When it's over she's gone and Ben is left with himself, his mirror, and a feeling of regret that he just can't seem to shake.
The only thing he manages to think is whether or not she was on the pill. But she had a boyfriend and she had even said that she had been with men… He shakes his head and he sinks back onto his bed as anger surges through him.
He was used, played, and he realizes now that the Una who had pinned him like that isn't the Una who he loves and he just can't figure out how he was stupid enough to let her take advantage of him like that.
Benjamin may be twenty-four but today he feels like he's twelve again.
He's so angry now that he punches the mirror and the shards fly everywhere. He cuts his hand but he doesn't care. It's bleeding onto the carpet now and all he can do is sit back against his bed and cry.
The mirror's gone and he's alone now.
Why does he feel so angry?
---
It's after work and he's walking down to the street, his feet leading him towards the bookshop because he needs to talk to someone and he thinks Emma will understand.
He sees Una in the distance and she's walking with the boy from the bar.
Ben's overcome by two emotions and he doesn't know what to feel. On one hand he's angry at her for just playing him but on the other hand the movie playing out in front of him is beautiful.
Una's laughing at some joke the boy made. She smiles and blushes when he touches her and Ben can tell that this is the Una he loves. The shy, smart, sweet, and beautiful Una. Not the Una who straddles him and leaves once it's over.
He takes a picture of them- not because he's a stalker but because he's a journalist and he wants frame that moment on his wall because it's just so beautiful.
He wishes desperately that Una could be like that around him but he knows that it just isn't true and that they just aren't meant to be together.
Benjamin walks off.
---
They ran into each other at Starbuck's and Una invites him to get a coffee.
Ben doesn't know why he agrees but he does anyways, pulling his chair out and facing her with serious brown eyes.
He'll never be in a love story; he's just the one telling them.
The invisible man.
Stop.
She's leaning across the table and he can smell the cheap perfume and see the bright red lipstick she's applied so crudely. He knows she's purposely showing him her cleavage but now he couldn't care less.
So he orders his mocha, feeling so numb inside that he just wants to break open and crack until she really sees who he is but he knows that even if he does she won't look.
He's bandaged his hand but it still aches and it reminds him of everything that went wrong since he let himself start falling for Una.
"When can we meet up again?" she asks quietly, sipping her coffee and he wonders if she still drinks Sprite.
She's not his Una.
He thinks back to the boy with the skinny jeans and the way Una was laughing around him and he knows that's the Una he fell for but he'll never be able to see that Una if he continues like this.
He can't have her.
Benjamin Brown gets up and leaves.
---------------
A/N: So I was reading over some of Dot's one-shots again and I decided to try writing in her style (Noo, I'm not copying :3 I'm attempting). I think I overdid it with the run on sentences though xD Sad ending though, ah well.
I really don't know why I ship BenjaminUna. I was looking for parents for one of the charries in my main CB Generation! fic and I decided on Una for the endowment, and Benjamin, 'cause well, I love Benjamin. Except in the fic they do love each other, so this is just me being angsty.
Apologies for any grammar mistakes C: